'Of Blood' movies, discussed and ranked.

Hello! So, because of the life I lead now, I realised that a lot of movies have been called 

'[Blank] of Blood.' 

I've seen a couple, but I did some research into others that I haven't. Let's discuss 'em, then I'll give some suggestions of my own '...of blood' movies. As a note, it has to end in 'of blood,' and nothing else. So go back to hell, pirates of blood island and your ilk! First, let's look at the two that I have seen: 

Throne of Blood 

 

[source]

Which may well be my favourite Akira Kurosawa movie, and it’s up there with the most metal movies of all time. It’s Samurai Macbeth, and it’s amazing. Enough of my yakkin', go check it out (and give it five minutes or so, ok?)  

Theater Of Blood 

 

[source]

  Is the movie that made me realise the formula of the title. The movie is fine, just fine, and even Vincent Price is fine in it, and usually I find him kind of ludicrous. 

The following 9, which I haven’t seen, are to be ranked as to how interesting they seem by the title. I’ll then look up the posters and add them, and see if the  poster matched the title. There’s a chance I’ll watch some of these, so I won’t read the plots right away. I'm guessing there will be a lot of horror movies there though. Let's begin, shall we?

1.Beast of Blood - 

 

[source]

Which is a good name for a horror movie. It seems to be a monster feature, and with the alliteration of the name, that's pretty interesting. I was wondering whether it's a beast made of blood, or it's a beast for blood - i.e. it's lusting after blood - until I saw the poster. From that image, it needing blood, and presumably drinking it, would be a messy proposition indeed, seeing as his head isn't attached to his neck.

2. A Bucket Of Blood

[source]

A whole bucket of blood? How intriguing. I guess that this was either about a murderous cult, which requires buckets of blood for its evil shenanigans..., or a slapstick comedy involving a clumsy waiter trying not to spill gallons of blood. From the poster, I guess it's closer to the second one. I’ll let you know. 

3. Bordello of Blood - 

 

 [source]

 

Just for the record, bordello means brothel – which means that this particular brothel is closed for most of the month. I imagine the story is about vampire prostitutes, a less crazy version of From Dusk ‘Till Dawn. It’s a good title because it’s: insane, sexy, and alliterative, a little like myself.  

Looking at the poster, it's a little too knowing, and is thus likely to be not as good as it should be. Also, is that that skeleton head from Tales From the Crypt? Let's say yes and move on. 

4. Queen of Blood - 

[source]

Is it about a lady Vampire? I’m in. Is it about political intrigue where a woman kills everyone to gain power? Also in. Giant Green spider woman ruining a trapeze artists act, like the movie suggests? Still interesting, but in a different way. 

5. Streets of Blood

 

 [source]

Streets of Blood is either:
                        
                         - a hard-hitting, violent street gang movie
or
                         - The movie which finally gets Val Kilmer and 50 cent on screen together. 

Unfortunately it's the latter. Looks as generic as they come, and shot for less than a dollar.

6. The Tree of Blood

 

 [source]

Another disappointment for me here. I assumed this was about a tree used in sacrifices, or at least a haunted tree. Instead this movie seems to suggest the 'of blood' being in terms of familial blood. Not interested in watching this couple fuck a tree.   

7. Volumes of Blood

 

 [source]

Pretty unremarkable title there. The only ambiguity is about the word 'volume' : if its the amount, that’s a clumsy title. A very small amount could be a volume, technically - and no one cares about a drop of blood. If it’s about the books, and it was about a guy going mad whilst researching and writing about blood diseases, for example, that would be pretty cool. It would certainly be a better movie than this poster seems to suggest.

8. Corridors of Blood 

 

[source]

You'll realise that the least interesting room in a building is a corridor. Kitchens, Living Rooms, Basements, even bedrooms... of blood would at least be a more arresting title (especially bedrooms). Despite the title, this looks like a legitimate movie, with a good cast, and I might check that out.

9. Evidence of Blood

 

 [source]

A bad title. Evidence of blood is a bad name for anything. There should be more than mere evidence of blood for any crime worth its salt. If it's related to anything else (family ties, etc) it could be put differently. This looks like it'll be hard work to sit through.

That’s enough, I couldn’t find any others – and even Throne of Blood is just a translation which doesn’t reflect the original Japanese. So, here are some suggestions for all you budding filmmakers out there: 

rivers of blood would be a good title, but Fascists have taken it, like they have so many things.

feast of blood  A horror movie about cannibals, easy. 

oceans of blood a historical biography about Mongols reaching a sea which is red from iron deposits, and assuming it is the blood of the enemies they have slain.

Bonds of blood could be about a number of things, a documentary about the slave trade. A bromance between two people (50 cent and Val Kilmer, for example), or a documentary about shitty high school metal bands, one of which is named for the title.

Eyes of blood In a movie that is maybe a metaphor for puberty, a kid’s eyes start bleeding whenever he’s highly emotive.

 99 bottles of blood I guess there have been too many horror ideas, so this is a town’s struggle to get blood donations after a nearby accident.

Balloons of Blood - is about clowns. And following from It, it wouldn’t need to be scary or funny to be a huge success.

There you go guys, hope you're all living your best lives.

Taiwanese Baseball Teams, evaluated

Want to visit somewhere cool that’s moderately off the beaten track, and that won’t make you feel sick thinking about the ethics of the people in charge? Visit Taiwan. It’s like China if you took away the weird, aggrieved communism and added some Japanese coolness. 

There’re a lot of reasons to go there. One of the less compelling reasons to go there is the love people have for baseball. Seeing this picture...

Some images just don't need context. N.B it's wearing a Corona-mask [link]

...of a salmon-head mascot reminded me reminded me about the baseball league, which is popular, but not without controversies. All the information is coming from this page here, so let’s get on with it!

Of course, there are 5 defunct ones, so let's rank them first, they're named as (the area or company that they represent) The Team Name

5. (dmedia) T-Rex 

This league started around the era of Jurassic Park, and much like the Toronto Raptors, is pretty obvious in appealing to that zeitgeist. Don’t get me wrong, T-Rexes are cool, but naming a team after them is pretty dull. Naming a team after a dinosaur famous for having tiny arms is just folly. It's no surprise that they're defunct. It was the hubris that killed it.

4. (China Times) Eagles  

Not bad. No one can fault you for choosing a predatory bird as a team name. The other day I just happened to see a sparrowhawk catch a sparrow, and it was just perfection in motion. Still, it's a good name, but there are better ones ahead. A shout out to the abstract alternative logo, too.

3 (Mercuries) Tigers  

 Another fine choice. Tigers are good luck in East Asian culture, and they’re beautiful. They’re bad luck to encounter in real life, and presumably on the baseball diamond (until they went bust, presumably). A solid choice.

2 (Macoto) Cobras  

A good name, a good logo. Can’t argue with that. I'd be very interested to see the mascot (a search yielded nothing Safe for work).

1 (Chinatrust) Whales

I’m a fan of this as a team name. Whales are pretty useless in a baseball sense, but the name is just weird enough to like it. This is the best so far. Also interesting is this possibly fan-made team logo,

 Which is cute. That's it for the defunct teams.

As we pause to remember those who have passed, let's celebrate the ones which are still there:  

 5. (Fubon) Guardians 

solid, but uninspired. I would have liked to have made that knight's helmet be more baseball-y. History suggests that they used to be known as the rhinos, and as the bears, both of which would be cooler. 

4. (Uni-President) Lions 

 I've put both logos there to show the mix of thought in Taiwanese society. One is hard and ferocious, the other is cute and kawai! Both aren't great. As a team name, it's just too boring. Again, Lions are fine, but there’s nothing inspired.

3. (wei Chuan) Dragons  

As a name, it's solid, though uninspired. I get it. I'm intrigued by the logo though, as his horns are incorporated into his helmet. Interesting.

2.(CTBC) Brothers 

 Brothers is a weird name for a team, and so it's worth remembering that this is 'the Elephant Brothers.' Elephants is a cool name for sure, and the term brothers is very enigmatic too. Good.

1.(Rakuten) Monkeys

Good. The name is great for a team. It's fun, interesting and uncommon. That’s what we should be after. Look at the logo above. And then look at the logo below. Which is better? You decide.

 Which is awesome. In conclusion, of the 5 best names, only 2 of them are still around.

P.S. I haven't updated this blog in many years. Welcome back me. More news soon.     

6 Shitty Modern Movies Everyone Loves

Yeah, yeah. More hating, what are you going to do? Not read? That's ok. The following are movies which seem to remain popular and which critics and commentators seem to appreciate, but which I think don't deserve the adoration. Close to making the list, The Avengers, Up In The Air, Monsters, and any number of others. The Dark Knight Rises would be here but I've already mentioned it. The good reviews that got when it first came out are proof that critics are influenced by studios into giving good reviews, as anyone with half a brain could see it was horseshit. The following are more overrated movies.

6. Wall-E

For whatever reason, this got the best reviews ever. It's got some great, beautiful, scenes, but man does it go on too long. Also, the whole 'romance despite being able to say one word only thing' got really annoying really fast. Which is a shame as that's one of the central tenants of the movie. Also there was a half baked notion not to trust technology, as well as to appreciate the earth and don't sit in a pod all the time. It's a good looking movie, but not one I'd rewatch endlessly. A Special Mention, also, to Pixar's Up, which is all downhill after the first few minutes.

5. Knocked Up

 I really don't get the appeal of this. I admit that I am generally not a fan of Judd Apataow movies, mainly because they're comedy movies which aren't funny. This applies especially here, it's filled with failed gross-out jokes, unlikeable characters who you couldn't possibly care about, and makes awkward nods to societal problems. The result isn't entertaining, funny, or interesting. She's nearly fired for being pregnant? Interesting. She kicks the idiot who knocked her up out of the car and screams a lot? Hilarious. He's a manchild who lives with a bunch of unfunny friends of the director? ROFL. I can't fathom how this is held as a modern classic, it's shit. I saw this with an ex, and she whispered half way through 'I really hope they have an abortion.' It was one of the only times I laughed during that movie.

4. Saving Private Ryan

Ok this is fine, in a boys on a mission kind of way. It's got some good performances (although NOT by Ted Danson, who's terrible in it) and some good scenes (particularly the breathless opening scenes of the Normandy landings) but it devolves into a 'search and trek along' movie pretty quickly. Also, the things with the crying old man at the beginning and end are utterly irrelevant, and the music is too saccharine and emotive for anything. Good, but could so easily have been better

3. Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino is another director who I'm not really a fan of. Most of his movies are too long, too self-absorbed and too overrated. The dialogue is irritating. Pulp Fiction hasn't aged well, and it is remarkably contrived. It's like something a perverted idiot who thinks he is clever comes up with. I should know. Anyway, Basterds was also given good reviews and I think an Oscar nomination for best film. I know people who consider it a great movie. It's not. It's overlong and predictable. For example, the scene in the bar was always going to end in a massacre, and still managed to go on for an eternity. Meanwhile, the loose playing with history, is not just stupid, it's offensive. I can't think of a movie I dislike more. Even Christopher Waltz's performance wasn't as great as everyone says. Top of my list for why I hate this movie though, was the Bear Jew. He had been bigged up by friends. Instead we see a wussy, not-very-big guy with a high pitched voice. He killed unarmed Nazis with a baseball bat. A 9 year old kid could do that. The conclusion, after at least an hour too much of this shit, is a mugging Brad Pitt at the end and he says something like 'I think this might just be my masterpiece' moments before it says 'Directed by Quentin Tarantino' - what a smug shit. A terrible movie, terribly overrated.

2. Terminator 2

It's a fair movie, although it is overlong (how many visions of a nuclear bomb does Sarah Connor need to see?) There's a reason it's iconic: A scary, impressive CGIed bad guy, an outgunned Arnie, and some great action scenes (the one in the truck is good) etc. There are, however, a few things which drag it down: The first movie had an intimate charm about it: people got shot, and it wasn't overblown. In this movie people don't get shot, and it's incredibly overblown. It's probably the movie that made the Transformer movies possible. Also, the kid is incredibly irritating, he's just the worst. This is a good, solid action movie, but one which often held up as one of the best movies of all time (at least by a couple of mates of mine). It isn't.

1. Broken Flowers / Lost in Translation

I have a fair amount of time for Bill Murray, he can do good work, such as in Ghostbusters (which is also hard to enjoy because of its mental fans) and he's also good in some Wes Anderson movies, and things like Zombieland. He's not good, however, in movies he's serious in. Broken Flowers was held as a great indie movie, but was interminable. Lost in Translation is abysmal, and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when people talk of it as something more than self-absorbed, fish-out-of-water boring nonsense. Bill Murray can be good, but he can also be terrible, these two, and the almost unwatchable Caddyshack, are evidence of the latter. I can see how he's a cult hero, but hate people that wear shirts with his face on it and will hear no wrong about him. He's good, but he's not the Messiah, he was Garfield for fucks sake.

There you go. Movies I don't like. If you disagree, I don't really mind. 

Nintendo 64 Games - A Retrospective (Part One)

We had a Nintendo 64 when I was growing up. We moved to the UK, and had our house robbed and everything stolen within a couple of weeks. We got replacement money for new games, so we ended up owning a fair amount of different games over time. The lesson from this, insurance kicks ass - home robbery doesn't. Still, here are my memories of all the games that I played a lot of either through owning it, or through playing with friends. For the sake of interest, these are in the order that I wrote them down. For the sake of entertainment, I'll put in my patented plot-in-one-sentence things.

1. Goldeneye

Plot In One Sentence: You play as James Bond in Goldeneye. 

Apparently graphics have come a long way since 1997 [Source]

Thoughts: I never really got the fuss about this game. The multiplayer I found either too easy or too reliant on luck, and the missions were either far too easy or far too difficult, or incredibly frustrating. I've not played it in like, a decade, but I still remember that tank level as the height of annoyance. Also, it's funny today to think that the graphics were pretty cutting edge for the time, they look vaguely obscene today. 
 

2. Perfect Dark

Plot In One Sentence: A disappointing semi-sequel to Goldeneye, following Joanna Dark, a spy who fights these shitty aliens and spends a huge amount of time in lifts.

Apparently Graphics have come a long way since 1999 [source]

Thoughts: Yeah, as I said, disappointing. the multiplayer was a little better this time, and it required the booster pack (conveniently priced by Nintendo itself), the weapons were more imaginative than before, but the story itself was pretty stupid, and before too long, we're fighting aliens. Tough too.

3. Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon

Plot In One Sentence: Goemon, an outlaw ninja, teams up in 3D with his allies to save his girlfriend, a fair chunk of Japan, and himself from giant robots, and the weirdest, campest bad guys ever.

Image taken from the food temple, what a bizarre, delicious game. [source]

Thoughts: A bizarre, amusing and self-aware game, it's set in ancient times but has frequent nods to video games and breaks the fourth wall frequently (the giant robot you fight with for a a couple of battles tells of his plans to go to Hollywood). He, and the musical-obsessed bad guys also have genuine music interludes, complete with songs. Great music (which I still catch myself whistling from time to time), intelligent gameplay and deals heavily in Japanese mythology, geography and story tropes, largely a  joy, with a few flaws, such as the lack of sane hints, the frequent backtracking, and the lengthy travel times between some lands. Still, enjoyable.

4. Goemon's Great Adventure

Plot In One Sentence: Goemon and friends are back, this time in 2.5D to best an evil dude who plans to take over the earth and afterlife (or something)

Couldn't find a link of the actual gameplay, so here's some fan-art [source]

Thoughts: There was a time when I had a stepping machine and Nintendo 64 in my room, I would stomp away and play games, particularly this one. It's flawed, certainly, some of the missions go on for far too long (there's one where you have to collect mushrooms, and it takes enough time to break a stepping machine), some require far too many coins, which means going through the same levels again and again, and earning your friends is too easy, - the final temple is genuinely tough, and the gameplay is great fun, the bonus costumes are fun, and the two player was something an ex and I used to do together. A unique experience in my romantic life.

5. Legend Of Zelda, Ocarina of Time

Plot In One Sentence: Can be seen here
Thoughts: I've described this before, if you want to read about it, go here. Needless to say, it's a goodie, with a few minor flaws which were largely corrected in the excellent 3DS version. I've just worked out too that we have Majora's Mask in our house, but when we first got it my sister had an absolute monopoly on it, so we couldn't play it. 12 or so years on, I still haven't.

6. F-Zero X

Plot In One Sentence: It's the future, people, including you,  race in giant, enormously fast machines.

An entire universe filled with racers, and a gimp is in second place? [source]

Thoughts: A great game despite its terrible music and pretty lame graphics. Genuinely fast, and challenging, winning all the cups is a genuinely rewarding challenge, which unlocks a 'random track generator' which I wasn't so convinced about. having 30 cars on the track was impressive for the time, and explained the pared down graphics. Multiplayer was only ok, as it was between only 4 or 5 cars, not 30. Still, one of of the games I was very best at, and it was difficult to beat me, at least among my friends, there were doubtless millions of dedicated racers who would wipe the floor with me. 

Depending how popular this is, this is the first part of maybe three or four. Looking back at this, at this, how did I ever get anything done? I didn't

Also, here is the video from the first Goemon game: what the hell were they on?

Shohei Imamura - A Pretentious Run-Down

When not telling everyone who hasn't started yet to watch Breaking Bad (which I should have done an 'in praise of' of, but couldn't be bothered)- I have watched a lot of Eureka's masters of cinema series, which I have admitted admiration for before. For whatever reason, they have a lot of movies by Shohei Imamura.  What do I like most about his movies? subtle, bizarre depictions of life, particularly Japanese life, and a respect for animals which is rarely matched by other auters. Here are the ones I've watched, with my patented, 'plot-in-a-sentence' feature which I am so revered for, and which I probably stole from someone anyway. Here they are in the order I saw 'em.

1. 11'9'01 September 11 [2002] - segment 'Japan'

Surrender: the coward's victory. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: In this inane 9/11 compilation, Imamura's sequence features a guy who is back from the Second World War, he thinks he is a snake.

Thoughts: Oh, god I hated this movie. A bunch of different directors from around the world each make an 9minute, 11 second movie about the 9/11 attacks. The best was the first, which followed an Afghani classroom for a bit, but most of the rest were either terrible, saccharine (watching a deaf couple arguing in New York should be enough to make you want to wipe out humanity), or a terrible combination of the two. Sean Penn's piece of shit was the worst of all though. Why did I even watch this? It was probably through school or something, but man, I hated it. Imamura's segment, only obliquely related to the horrors of 9/11 through... war, I guess, at least had the good grace to be interesting. Terrible when I saw it, and it can only have gotten worse as time goes on.

2. Ballad Of Narayama [1983]

Image from the movie. Cool. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: We follow the brutal, often violent lives of the members of a remote village, who must abide by strict laws to survive until they ascend to the top of Narayama hill when they turn 70.

Thoughts: A pretty straight-forward parable about how we treat the elderly, and an interesting depiction of a remote village struggling with starvation enough to impose bizarre laws. For example, everyone has to be taken away to starve at age 70, no matter how useful they are; only the first born gets to have kids, leading to a second born frustration being taken out on various objects. However, this is a beautifully shot, compelling piece of work. According to liner notes, the cast mainly lived as depicted, and the old lady actually had her four teeth removed so that she could portray a toothless woman after (in a very painful scene), wonderful use of animals too, particularly of snakes, which are depicted as the gods of the households and are vitally important. 

3. Profound desires of the Gods [1968]

'All aboard the symbolic-of-progress-at-the-expense-of-the-environment train!' [source]

Plot In One Sentence: On an Okinawan island, a modern day engineer is captivated by the beauty and laid-back lifestyle offered by the island.

Thoughts: I've already mentioned this before, here, and I stand by those sentiments. I'd also like to add how alluring the island itself looks, and though the movie is olverlong and dreamy, that still doesn't mean you'll be sad to leave. Also, more good footage of animals, sea snakes, octopuses and whatnot.

4. Pigs & Battleships [1961]

A pretty shite-y movie poster, but there aren't many others out there.[source]

Plot In One Sentence: A ratty, irritating wannabe-gangster refuses to commit to a nice girlfriend and focuses instead on his pig racket in a coastal Japanese town with a US naval base.

Thoughts: An interesting character piece set in the fallout of the Second World War, with yet another largely negative depiction of Koreans and particularly Americans. The pigs themselves serve an obvious analogous importance, as they are fed American leftovers and remain better nourished than the Japanese themselves. At the heart of the movie though, is the nice, attractive women in love with the immature idiot, showing Judd Attapow how it's done 50 years before he bored audiences to death. (seriously, Funny People makes me want to murder people, and anyone who thinks he is a comic genius while propelling seth Rogen to stardom deserves nothing but resentment.) Either way, more interesting and fast paced than I had hoped, and certainly moreso than I have made it seem so far.

5. Nishi Ginza Station [1958]

This looks like the cover of a parody album [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A wife pays a woman to spy on her husband as they go on a seemingly romantic adventure together, also there is singing.

Thoughts: This was a bonus feature on the DVD of 'The Insect Woman' which I still haven't gotten around to watching. This is a pretty slight piece, with some romance stereotypes, and is bookended by the singer of 'Nishi Ginza Station' - so it's essentially an extended music video. Weird, but with a very attractive female character, let's just I'd say that I'd certainly be tempted. Also interested is that now Nisha Ginza Station is home to the world's best sushi restaurant, which is something (n.b. I just looked that up and it's untrue). Either way, not essential.

6. The Eel [1997]

A vibrant, subtle and yet still suggestive movie poster. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A man is re-released from prison after killing his wife and opens a barber shop, where he must deal with gangsters, care for his eel, and hide his past from a woman who falls in love with him.  

Thoughts: Weird, and pretty sexy, and a good turn from the near ubiquitous Koji Yakusho. It is largely set in a weird bit of Japan which looks totally unalluring. Character development is only hinted at, and even though I saw it last year, I had to look up the ending as I had forgotten it. The importance of the eel is only hinted at too, which makes it even more bizarre. Possibly worth a second look.

7. Vengeance Is Mine [1979]

Naked dead chicks, a smug looking dick in a tux, do I smell another bullingdon reunion? [source]

Plot In One Sentence: We follow a recreation of a famous con-man who murders and cheats his way through Japan, and also deal with his family, whose Catholic beliefs complicate things further.

Thoughts: A Pretty good serial killer movie, and a good look at the conflict of being a Christian in Japan. Based on a true story, it skimps a little when looking at his motiviations (although the title is from a Christian proverb, and suggests a religious motivation for it). but is a well shot and compelling story nonetheless. On a sidenote, his wife, attracted to her husbands father (don't ask) looks good throughout, particulalry in the spa scene, which may just be the pinnacle of how boobs should look. Worth seeing for that alone. 

So there you have it, there are others to see, such as 'Stolen Desires,' 'A Man Vanishes' and 'The Insect Woman,' but I guess we'll get round to that in time. Hope everyone had a good one,

Pascal.

My Favourite Stadiums of the world

I love a good stadium, although Christ alone knows why. Here are my favourite 6 I've encountered:

6. Hampden Park in Glasgow, Scotland

[source]

Capacity: 52, 063
This is a big stadium, where I think Rangers used to play until they got done for being a team of tax dodgers. I'm not sure if they still play there. The lesser known light of this is that Queens Park plays there. They play in the Scottish third division, which means, if you turn up, you get a game. We went along, drunk, one time, and it was fun shouting on the sidelines with 48,950 empty seats around you as watch some junkies play soccer.

5. The MCG in Melbourne, Australia

[source]

Capacity: 100, 018
This is such a pretty stadium, and makes me think fond thoughts of Melbourne, which is the most hipster-filled city I've ever seen. A day spent there watching test cricket and getting drunk, is and will always be a joy, good cricket, heavy drinking and good mates. The following sentence is why I like stadiums. Still, not a bad word to say about the place.  

4. Athletic Park in Wellington, New Zealand

A slightly outdated picture, taken before the advent of colour photography in New Zealand in 2009. [source]

Capacity: 39,000
New Zealand has a lot of earthquakes. When I lived there, I remember being in the bath and an earthquake came and shook all the water out of that bath, leaving me a shivering dry but still soapy. At matches in Athletic Park, if you were on the Millard stand (a rickety stand which shook even in the wind) and a small earthquake came along, it made everyone freak out. It was kind of cool. On this list for that, and because it's now demolished, according to Wikipedia.

3. Redfern Oval in Sydney, Australia

[source]

Capacity: 20,000 (but 0 seats)
The picture above is more recent than when I saw it, it definitely didn't have rails around the edges when I was there. However, it's on this list because it's my old stompin' ground. During university I used to train, and play matches there. A joy, particularly for the experience of being watched during a match by hundred of the local kids and having a chat with the old guys afterwards. It was a great place to watch a match if you weren't playing. If you were playing though, it was a great place to pick up chicks. Although I was stuck in various hateful relationships during my career there, I've always had fond memories of it.

2. Caledonian Stadium in Inverness, Scotland

[source]

Capacity: 7,753
Why? because Inverness is surprisingly ok, if a little isolated. However, it is freezing, it's very northerly, and sits on the coast with arctic winds blowing in. This stadium is right on the most exposed part of the harbour, only half covered by stands, so that on a cold day the wind whips through it like nothing else. Inverness are currently in a position where they can play in Europe next year, and the thought of a team like Barcelona coming over and freezing their nuts off, getting battered by the wind and staying at motels, is a surprisingly good one for me.

1. Hrazdan Stadium in Yerevan, Armenia

[source]

Capacity: 53,849 - 70,000
I went to Armenia when I was working overseas, and can't stop going on about how much I was pleasantly surprised by it. Beautiful woman, nice food, a friendly vibe, and lots of cool things to see and do made it a winner. One of the best things of all though, was this behemoth of a stadium, which we were told has never been full at any event, not when U2 played there, not when they played their first match as an independent country, not when most of the citizens of the city had to shelter there during a war and earthquake. Why is it so big? Why is it multicoloured? why is it tilted like that? We may never know, and that mystery is what makes life worth living.

So there you have it, my half dozen favourite stadiums. The one I want to go to most of all is the famous one in North Korea, Rungnado May Day Stadium in Pyongyang, which fits 150,000 brainwashed people to watch brainwashed people perform for their great leader. I mainly want to go there because North Koreans are insane.(Did he just go there? You bet he did.)

Pimple Terminology

As someone who has been the pawn in an ongoing adolescence for the last, oh, 16 years, I know a thing or two about pimples. Partly its genetics, partly it's poor diet and lifestyle, but from time to time I still can rustle up one or more of these pimples: between the ages of about 12 and 16, I had pretty terrible skin, and am lucky to be left without scars I would have thought, so I know of what I speak. this also makes it annoying that I can't grow a beard to this very day. N.B. Please be aware that I find this disgusting, but can't be bothered to write about less unpleasant things. For the sake of entertainment, I'll rate them all out of 5.

The Facechanger (a.k.a. Day Ruiner) - The perfect storm: it hurts when forming, forms in a terrible place so that you feel it constantly, and is too painful to squeeze so you have to sit it out. If it forms on one of the folds of your cheek, it can effect the way that you talk until it makes its long-awaited exit. Can lay there for weeks at a time. Often thumb-sized. A terror. *****

Pore-tease - Something which you think is going to turn into a Face Changer, but ends up as a regular pimple. **1/2

Colombo -  A pimple of any kind which you think you have got everything out of, but 'one more squeeze' brings forth more from its puss-filled treasure chest. **

Day Long Worry - When you are out for the day, either at work or on holiday, and you can feel a pimple somewhere on your face but can't check a mirror, and can't deal with it, so you have to worry about it all day. Between 0 and **** depending on situation and severity.

Haemophiliac - Any pimple which bleeds profusely, so much so that you fear you may have squeezed an artery so hard it burst. Tends to happen on first dates or job interviews. ***1/2 (bad but can be staunched)

Flirt Stopper - Any pimple which plays on yoru mind to stop hitting on people in bars, shops, or anywhere else that good times are had. ***

Golden Boy - That perfect combination of all pimple elements. A well-formed head, well-defined edges, solid puss that hits the mirror and then heals quickly. A joy. 0 Stars (on the inconvenience scale)

Golden Boy Jr. - Probably better than it's more formed brother. a huge blackhead which is easily squeezed, gives out a huge, waxy deposit to play with, and then leaves an aethestically pleasing hole. A joy (if you suffer from pimples). 0 Stars.

Dreadnought - Something which you feel forming, fearing that it will be a 'Facechanger' but which luckily comes to nothing. *

The Unwanted Houseguest - A possibly-unique-to-me pimple which looks like a small mark, but at any time, I can squeeze an enormous amount of pus from. It's utterly repellent and I've even been to the Drs about. However, it remains invisible unless I am tanned, and I live in Scotland. Problem: solved. Hideous ****

The Lurker - Any pimple which lurks under the skin without forming a head you can squeeze. Severity depends on the size and soreness of the pimple. * - ****

The Zombie - A pimple you think you have dispatched with, but lingers around for up to a week before healing - or worse, reforming because you didn't get all the gunk out of it. ****

The Bulger - Anything which causes a bulge in your face. One particularly shitty one I remember was the size of a malteaser and nearly killed me when I dealt with it. * - ****

Childhood Sweethearts - Two regular pimples which mutate into a monster when they form fully because they are in neighbouring pores. Irritating, particularly if they are the only two pimples you have! * - ***

Sui-Sebum - the feeling you get when you wake up, look in a mirror and have a variety of pimples on you that will prevent you from functioning as an adult, and make you want to kill yourself. ****1/2, or ****** out of 5 if they involve more than one 'Facechanger'

Limple - Pimple on the lip, or on the edge of the lip. Another one which varies depending on severity. A big question though, if it was big, would it be better to pass off as a pimple, or as a coldsore? ***

The Hair Bear (aka the 'Rambo') -Any pimple, large or small, which hangs out within your hairline, watching and waiting. * - ****

A recreation of me, aged 12-16. [source]

In conclusion: My skin was never 'that' bad, but I hope now you can see why people hate people who say 'oh, I never had pimples,' or acne medication adverts that use people who've never had a pimple in their life as the 'before.' Clearasil I'm looking at you.

Guilty Pleasures (Movies)

I’ve been away for a fair while, and have only just seen the music video for Gangnam style. It’s pretty funny, but once is enough. I’ve also been listening to Ween, like a common 16-year-old. These two things have got me thinking about my favourite ‘guilty pleasures’ – specifically movies. I would count 'Mad Max 2', 'The Castle', and 'Idiocracy' as guilty pleasures, but I can argue that they are all genuinely good. The following though, I can't convince myself that these are high art, but I do like them. Here are five guilty pleasure movies, in chronological order. 

1. Hausu [1977]

Plot In One Sentence: In this demented horror-comedy, a group of seven friends go to visit one of their grandmas (and her cat) – turns out she (and her cat) are a witch or vampire or something!

A surprisingly sane picture, the eponymous 'House' is on the top left. [source]

Why Is It So Good / Bad? Made to appeal to a youth market, this follows a group of girls, each with their own distinct characteristic (e.g. one is sweet, one is hungry, one likes to fight), who are killed in some of the most bizarre deaths of all time. To illustrate, one is eaten by a piano, while another is smothered by sentient mattresses. The tone is uneven, the plot nonsensical, there are myriad insane scenes, cuts, and musical cues, and their teacher gets turned into bananas - but it’s hilarious and stupid at the same time. Almost unwatchable sober, but a great movie to watch drunk. 

Best Scene(s): The girls get on the train, where they discuss the past and have a collective flashback which should advance the plot but which they talk and gossip over. Another highlight is the athletic girl, for no reason whatsoever, gets rid of most of her clothes to fight the ghost. The undoubted highlight is when the cat sings the theme tune, which had been repeated throughout the movie. 

2. G.I. Samurai – [1979]            

Plot In One Sentence: A small modern military force travels back to Samurai time for some reason and pits modern military might against huge samurai armies.

Imagine walking your dog and coming across the filming of this. [source]

Why Is It So Good / Bad? Have you, like me, ever wondered if, like, twenty guys with guns, a tank and a helicopter could defeat a samurai army of thousands? Well Wonder no more! It’s a pretty good action movie, but its central premise is never explained, it’s overlong, and it’s almost entirely humourless which means that the scenes between the battles drag considerably. The main battle, after the group is betrayed by their allies, is an incredible, realistic depiction of how modern technology would compete against huge samurai armies. Also, Sonny Chiba (their leader) is the boss.

Best Scene: The main battle is a highlight, a half hour, serious depiction of warfare between a small modern battalion and a huge samurai army. The highlight of this is the cunning tactics which the samurai army use, particularly to overcome a helicopter. Surprisingly awesome- a nerds wet dream.

3. Road House [1989]

Plot In One Sentence: Patrick Swayze is a ripped, world-famous bouncer, recently out of prison; he is recruited to help bring peace to a rough, rural bar in some dive town, but finds more than he bargained for.

This poster even references 'Dirty Dancing,' making it the most '80s poster ever. [source]

Why Is It So Good / Bad? Possibly the worst idea for a movie ever made, and also probably the most latently homosexual (check out the disdain Swayze shows when he interrupts a couple having sex in the stockroom.) The whole conceit is ridiculous even before you add the insanely over-the-top bad guy, who wants a monopoly on the tiny town. It’s far too long and the romance between Swayze and the girl is basically stapled on. However any movie which has such a thing as a 'world famous bouncer' is beyond awesome.

Best Scene: Swayze’s first appearance in the bar, when he stops someone having heterosexual sex. Actually it’s when he rips out the guys throat (something he'd promised never to do again) after the immortal threat ‘I used to fuck guys like you in prison.’ Terrible. 

4. Shanghai Noon [2000]

Plot In One Sentence: Jackie Chan kicks ass and Owen Wilson cracks wise as they team up in the Wild West to save a princess and gather a scroll (or something.)

In this surprisingly difficult movie to get pictures for, Jackie fights using a horseshoe. [source]

Why Is It So Good / Bad? Other than perhaps 'Zoolander,' this is Owen Wilson at his funniest, and Jackie Chan seems to be having a good time too. It’s got everything: Jackie Chan and Owen Wilson crackin’ wise, some casual racism, Lucy Liu and a red-hot Red-Indian chick. There’s also some good fight scenes, drug taking, and at least two particularly evil bad guys. The problem, it’s pretty crappy, and doesn’t really sound as good as I just made it. 

Best Scene best scene: Owen and Jackie in the bath together playing drinking games and mucking about, predating Brokeback Mountain by a good few years. Also, Owen Wilson saying 'I don't know Karate, but I do know Kerazy' in the most high pitched voice ever.

5. Ong Bak [2003]

Plot In One Sentence: A Thai boxer from the sticks is tasked with bringing back the head of a valuable statue stolen by a guy who has a stoma and speaks with a larynx microphone.

Tony Jaa fights a Japanese guy, as well as Burmese, Australians, Americans and Thais. It's very multicultural. [source]

Why Is It So Good / Bad? Tony Jaa, the lead, is an incredible athlete, and I was actually going to do an ‘in praise of’ of this, but it’s just a bit too stupid. The girl is incredibly annoying, and the bald guy from Tony Jaa's village brings things to a stop every time he is on screen. Also, it starts so slowly that you wonder if there will ever be any joy in your life ever again. However, when the action starts it's amazing. The fight scenes are incredibly skillful and brutal and some other scenes showcase his athletic ability (namely the sprint through the crowded street). The climactic fights first in the garage, then in the cave is breath-taking, as is the extended scene in the Bangkok fight club where he is pitted against: a giant Australian; a speedy Japanese guy with an Afro; and a gay fella in a bandanna. All the action is Jaw-dropping, back-breaking and incredibly impressive stuff. Which makes the drag of the non-fighting stuff all the more irrelevant: particularly the tuk-tuk chase scene. 

Best Scene: the utterly irrelevant first 40 minutes before the action starts, or conversely, the insane, brutal fight with the Burmese guy at the end, especially the finishing move, which has to be seen to be believed (hint, hint)

 

 In conclusion: I stand by these, though I'm sure I could make more lists like it if possible. Just bubbling under, 'They Live', which I would have written about if I had the inclination. The fight scene alone makes this worth whatever money you pay for it. Have a friggin' great weekend.

Pascal.