Vertigo (1958) some thoughts (in 2022)

 

So, here’s some thoughts on Vertigo – the movie which was annointed the finest movie of all time in that most recent sigh and sound poll. I’ll drop this here: it’s weird.

So, just quickly here’s the entire story – spoilers ahead – a detective who retired from the force after he is discovered to have vertigo is tasked with following the young wife of an old college mate. She acts in a strange manner and it seems as though she’s being possessed by the ghost of her grandmother – a woman who commit suicide many years before. Like all good private detectives, he falls in love with his friend’s wife whom he is supposed to be tailing. At a Spanish mission, she jumps off the steeple, and because of his vertigo, he’s not able to climb up to save her. Her death means that the husband gets all of her estate (ship-building, in case you ask) and the detective goes into a weird catatonic state after an inquiry deems him not responsible for the death.

He comes out of it when he meets a woman who looks a little like the wife, and after a very strange, manipulative relationship, it turns out that this woman was playing the wife – the husband had paid this young woman to act crazy, to trick the detecitve into thinking her mad, before the real wife was flung off the steeple. In a deranged fit, while the young woman is (for some reason) ready to run away with him – they RETURN to the steeple, seemingly in order for the detective to rid himself of his vertigo and confirm the truth about the death. The young woman, frightened by a nun, jump/falls off the steeple while the detective looks on.

That’s the story, it seems a little strange, but it’s much more than that.

Anyway, here are some thoughts:

There are special effects used throughout which add a certain charm. There’s a fair bit of green screen effects, especially when characters are driving, and the special effect of someone falling to their death is used a few times. It’s not convincing, but it’s pretty cool. Later on, Jimmy Stewart (he’s the detective) to show his state of high anxiety, goes into a technicolour dreamscape which reminded me of that bit in Dumbo with the bubbles and pink elephants. Charming, sure.

Anyway, as a private eye, Jimmy isn’t great. He barely keeps his distance while tailing his mark. In the worryingly empty San Francisco he would definitely be discovered if there wasn’t a plan in place to keep him following her. When the woman he’s watching jumps in the water, he a) feels her tits while he is saving her, and b) takes her home and strips her instead of calling the police or ambulance. To top it all off, he falls in love with this woman, a woman he believes is an old friend’s wife, before she dies under his watch. It’s a pretty crappy private dick job from old Jimmy.

 

Fun fact: in 1958, a boob-grab like this could lead to pregnancy.

When, later on, he finds the actress who was playing the wife, they embark on a very strange relationship. It reads as maniupulative and potentially abusive today, and probably did in 1958, too. He stalks her so that he finds where she lives, and his mad eyes and uncompromosing demeanour never let’s us see why she has fallen in love with him.

For the record, it’s the same actress, but because of the clothes, I couldn’t tell it was the same woman. It’s Kim Novak, who is still alive as of the time of writing, which is nice, and something I can’t help but keep an eye out for now. Anyway, this young woman was posing as the wife, and after the death of the real wife, she’s able to go back to her regular life, which seems to involve walking around showing off her slim waist. It doesn’t seem that she’s been paid very much for this difficult and dangerous action which would have taken months of planning, as she’s still living in the same hotel she ever was.

Jimmy Stewart falls in love with this new woman. He forces this much younger woman to dress and look exactly like the dead wife through clothes fittings and hair dyeing. It’s weird. He is in a clothes shop with a non-consenting woman, forcing her to wear clothes, and the shopkeeper just says ‘there’s a man who knows what he wants’ – it’s kind of funny, but it definitely plays weirdly today.

It’s not helped by the fact that Jimmy Stewart is in his very late 40s while he chases after a woman who is, we’re told, 26 – his other love interest, a woman called Midge is described as being Jimmy’s age, but she looks like his daughter. I watched this movie yesterday, but I’m still not sure how her story ended – was the last thing she said in the movie telling the psychiatrist that Jimmy is still in love with the wife? That’s not a very satisfying storyline.

The movie is from 1958, and there are a few funny incidences, too. We’re meant to believe that the husband broke the wife’s neck, carried her up several flights, then threw her off a bell tower without anyone seeing, despite at the very end, a speedy old nun is able to overhear mere voices. Also, is there only one restaurant in all of SF for them to eat at?

There are a few other things too, they notably turn down cigarettes from a town gossip, and Jimmy says ‘it’s a little early in the day’ for him to have a drink when meeting with his old friend. However soon afterwards, the wife, in a state of shock, is given brandy, arranges to meet with with him later, and he says, yes but in a couple of hours: “Make it noon.” How early are they drinking then? He also describes brandy as tasting like venison… which… it doesn’t.

Perhaps the most Hitchcock-ian element of the entire movie, and the most telling reflection of the time it was made, is the strange attitude the whole thing takes to mental illness. We’re told at the beginning that Jimmy’s vertigo is only curable by another trauma overtaking it (which explains why they go up the bell tower again at the end – note that it’s not a convincing reason). After the death of the wife, he goes into a catatonic state which is seemingly curable by Mozart. This strange attitude to psychotherapy is similar to other Hitchcock movies, such as Spellbound, and that strange bit at the very end of Psycho which makes nonsense of the rest of the movie. I’m sure that Hitchcock had some concerns with the branch of medicine at the time, but I’m too lazy to look it up further. At very least, it’s an interesting snapshot intop the thinking of the time, for sure.

At the end of this is a very weird choice for the best movie ever made. Arguments could be made that it’s not in the top, oh, 15, of its own director’s best movies. The plot is really weird. At the end of all of this, this is a very strange movie, it’s interesting, sure, the music is good and... you know, it’s well shot, but you’re left thinking ‘why is this considered the greatest movie of all time?’ in a way you don’t with many others. Put it this way..not many ‘great’ movies end with ‘the main woman dies when a nun spooks her and she falls the same was as the woman she was posing as did.’

The Northman: aka why do none of the reviews mention Nicole Kidman's face???

 Howdy folks, I hope you're all well and enjoying the season.

I watched the Northman yesterday, and I feel that something needs to be said. There's some nice scenery, roaming accents, and much bloody violence. The story is a verion of Amleth, which we might know better as Hamlet - a prince must get vengeance on his uncle, who killed his father and takes his mother as queen / wife. So far, so good, and from the director of the VVitch? There's no reason this shouldn't be a good movie.

I've got a lot of time for humourless, dour viking movies, but this one didn't do it for me. There's a scene where Amleth, now a man, has joined a Viking party and raids a town for slaves. In the battle, there's a guy that he fights, I watched it pretty closely, and here's how it goes: the other guy swings his sword, Amleth blocks it with his shield and then shoulder barges the guy to the ground. While he's there he kicks him in the stomach to prevent him getting up. The other guy's face is now messed up for some reason. We're to assume he's dead, though if a shoulder barge and kick messes your face up and kills you, there's a reason your town won't get much money as slaves. This is from a long single-shot scene, and they should have taken another attempt at it. It's jarring, and the person I watched it with noticed it too, despite having me to distract them.

One of the slaves is Anya Taylor-Joy, who is a Russian for some reason. From the sounds of it her accent coach must have left to fight in Ukraine. The kid who played Amleth as a kid also sounds like an American trying to do a Scottish accent, and Nicole Kidman's accent is terrible. It's really off-putting.

Speaking of which, I read a couple of reviews saying that her performance is a tour-de-force, particularly a scene where Amleth confronts her as an adult. She tells him that she and the uncle had planned the death of Amleth's father - i.e. that Amleth's entire life had been for nothing. Fine, fine, but this scene takes place in a room with a fire underlighting it, and Nicole Kidman's face is so full of botox that she looks inhuman. There are no creases on her face so the flickering fire has no effect on it. It's even worse that it's in a movie set in the early 10th century. Every time she was on screen it was offputting, and removed a lot of the potential emotional heft of the movie.

I mean, come on.

I don't know who she's kidding, she was a very pretty young woman, there's no reason she'd be ugly as a 50 year old. Certainly it would be an improvement over the 'Janice from the Muppets' look that she's got now. I don't know how it's not mentioned in every review.

It's also telling that this scene, potentially the emotional climax of the movie, takes place when there's still 50 minutes left. The final battle, which takes place in a volcano, is far less cool than you'd imagine.

Anyway, not great. This movie has made Richard Egger's movies go from must-see (after the VVitch, and to a lesser extent the Lighthouse) to someone I might watch if the reviews are good. I'm sure that will really hurt him, but jeez.

'Of Blood' movies, discussed and ranked.

Hello! So, because of the life I lead now, I realised that a lot of movies have been called 

'[Blank] of Blood.' 

I've seen a couple, but I did some research into others that I haven't. Let's discuss 'em, then I'll give some suggestions of my own '...of blood' movies. As a note, it has to end in 'of blood,' and nothing else. So go back to hell, pirates of blood island and your ilk! First, let's look at the two that I have seen: 

Throne of Blood 

 

[source]

Which may well be my favourite Akira Kurosawa movie, and it’s up there with the most metal movies of all time. It’s Samurai Macbeth, and it’s amazing. Enough of my yakkin', go check it out (and give it five minutes or so, ok?)  

Theater Of Blood 

 

[source]

  Is the movie that made me realise the formula of the title. The movie is fine, just fine, and even Vincent Price is fine in it, and usually I find him kind of ludicrous. 

The following 9, which I haven’t seen, are to be ranked as to how interesting they seem by the title. I’ll then look up the posters and add them, and see if the  poster matched the title. There’s a chance I’ll watch some of these, so I won’t read the plots right away. I'm guessing there will be a lot of horror movies there though. Let's begin, shall we?

1.Beast of Blood - 

 

[source]

Which is a good name for a horror movie. It seems to be a monster feature, and with the alliteration of the name, that's pretty interesting. I was wondering whether it's a beast made of blood, or it's a beast for blood - i.e. it's lusting after blood - until I saw the poster. From that image, it needing blood, and presumably drinking it, would be a messy proposition indeed, seeing as his head isn't attached to his neck.

2. A Bucket Of Blood

[source]

A whole bucket of blood? How intriguing. I guess that this was either about a murderous cult, which requires buckets of blood for its evil shenanigans..., or a slapstick comedy involving a clumsy waiter trying not to spill gallons of blood. From the poster, I guess it's closer to the second one. I’ll let you know. 

3. Bordello of Blood - 

 

 [source]

 

Just for the record, bordello means brothel – which means that this particular brothel is closed for most of the month. I imagine the story is about vampire prostitutes, a less crazy version of From Dusk ‘Till Dawn. It’s a good title because it’s: insane, sexy, and alliterative, a little like myself.  

Looking at the poster, it's a little too knowing, and is thus likely to be not as good as it should be. Also, is that that skeleton head from Tales From the Crypt? Let's say yes and move on. 

4. Queen of Blood - 

[source]

Is it about a lady Vampire? I’m in. Is it about political intrigue where a woman kills everyone to gain power? Also in. Giant Green spider woman ruining a trapeze artists act, like the movie suggests? Still interesting, but in a different way. 

5. Streets of Blood

 

 [source]

Streets of Blood is either:
                        
                         - a hard-hitting, violent street gang movie
or
                         - The movie which finally gets Val Kilmer and 50 cent on screen together. 

Unfortunately it's the latter. Looks as generic as they come, and shot for less than a dollar.

6. The Tree of Blood

 

 [source]

Another disappointment for me here. I assumed this was about a tree used in sacrifices, or at least a haunted tree. Instead this movie seems to suggest the 'of blood' being in terms of familial blood. Not interested in watching this couple fuck a tree.   

7. Volumes of Blood

 

 [source]

Pretty unremarkable title there. The only ambiguity is about the word 'volume' : if its the amount, that’s a clumsy title. A very small amount could be a volume, technically - and no one cares about a drop of blood. If it’s about the books, and it was about a guy going mad whilst researching and writing about blood diseases, for example, that would be pretty cool. It would certainly be a better movie than this poster seems to suggest.

8. Corridors of Blood 

 

[source]

You'll realise that the least interesting room in a building is a corridor. Kitchens, Living Rooms, Basements, even bedrooms... of blood would at least be a more arresting title (especially bedrooms). Despite the title, this looks like a legitimate movie, with a good cast, and I might check that out.

9. Evidence of Blood

 

 [source]

A bad title. Evidence of blood is a bad name for anything. There should be more than mere evidence of blood for any crime worth its salt. If it's related to anything else (family ties, etc) it could be put differently. This looks like it'll be hard work to sit through.

That’s enough, I couldn’t find any others – and even Throne of Blood is just a translation which doesn’t reflect the original Japanese. So, here are some suggestions for all you budding filmmakers out there: 

rivers of blood would be a good title, but Fascists have taken it, like they have so many things.

feast of blood  A horror movie about cannibals, easy. 

oceans of blood a historical biography about Mongols reaching a sea which is red from iron deposits, and assuming it is the blood of the enemies they have slain.

Bonds of blood could be about a number of things, a documentary about the slave trade. A bromance between two people (50 cent and Val Kilmer, for example), or a documentary about shitty high school metal bands, one of which is named for the title.

Eyes of blood In a movie that is maybe a metaphor for puberty, a kid’s eyes start bleeding whenever he’s highly emotive.

 99 bottles of blood I guess there have been too many horror ideas, so this is a town’s struggle to get blood donations after a nearby accident.

Balloons of Blood - is about clowns. And following from It, it wouldn’t need to be scary or funny to be a huge success.

There you go guys, hope you're all living your best lives.

48HRs. The most 80s movie ever.

Hello all, hope you enjoy this!

Desperate to escape the thronging crowds of Londoners here for the increasingly out-of-control Edinburgh Festival, I went to see a movie with a couple of friends. Also as part of the festival, one of the smaller movie houses is replaying some old movies. We stayed for a couple of them, and I want to talk about them today. The place was busy, and so we grabbed tickets to what we could. The two movies were:

1. Born to fight:
A Thai movie, produced by the same people who made the Ong-Bak movies. This, absolutely ludicrous plot, has some terrorists taking over a village to use as hostages to get a war criminal general out of jail. THe village, however, has some of the Thai national Sports Stars visiting (for some reason), as well as the surviving policeman who just happened to arrest the general in the first place. So far, so action movie. However, it takes forever to get going, they spend literally a third of the movie on the ground, surrounded by gun toting militia, and only reluctantly start fighting at the end. The athletes all use their skills (high jump, for example) to overcome the terrorists, but their specific skills are only alluded to until then. It's utterly bizarre. When they're not being held hostage, the villagers are either being 'funny,' and sentimental together, or mercilessly killed in slow motion. For example, you know from the loving look between young daughter and father will end with his execution right in front of her. It's the worst mix of tones ever. There are some interesting stunts, but it's overlong even at an hour and 20 minutes, and doesn't develop into the cult classic guilty pleasure that it should. It's pretty much the definition of a wasted b-movie premise. Pretty unimpressive.

 Finishing this, a little flat, we went to the next movie, one none of us had seen, the renowned cult buddy cop movie, 48hrs. I admit, a little, socially lubricated (drunk, in case you were wondering).

2. 48 HRs:
The only thing I knew about this was that it started the craze of 'buddy cop' movies, and that it was directed by the same guy who made 'The Warriors' and 'Southern comfort.' Those are two solid action movies, the latter in particular, and there is an overlap of characters and themes with those movies, and probably others of his oeuvre* too. For example, all three of those movies involve: gritty male characters, initially in opposition but gaining friendship over time; and racing against time to achieve a goal and reach safety. The plot here involves a grizzled cop getting a petty criminal a 48 hour day trip out of jail so that he can help him solve some crimes related to him. The cop is white (Nick Nolte, so grizzled you can smell him) and the criminal is black (Eddie Murphy and his tiny teeth). Often, 48hrs is held as a forgotten classic. I think it's the perfect example of 80s action movies, beliefs, and a perfect showcase for all the trappings of a generic cop movie.

That's not to say that it's a bad movie. It's entertaining, often funny, and well made: it's a tight action movie. However, some of the views on show are terrible, and a lot of the action and plotting has been done to death in subsequent movies. It's a little like 'The Graduate' or 'Die Hard' in which you may as well have seen it before in every other movie of its genre, or in the simpsons episodes. Originality breeds unoriginal followers.

Anyway, some of the views on show, in a rough, 1980s San Fransisco, include but are not limited to: a lot of use of the N-bomb, spear-chucker and other terms to describe Eddie Murphy. It's good evidence that those cretins who complain that political correctness has gone mad, are indeed cretins. Also involved is an American Indian, who is one of the guys in the Predator crew). Views on women aren't very enlightened either, at several points Nolte threatens to strangle women, while prostitutes are treated roughly (this despite their obligatory 'hearts of gold'). Eddie Murphy, as a prisoner on day-release, also says some of the worst things about, and to, various women. It's the kind of shit that would make Jim Davidson blush. Aside from some unpleasant desciptions (describing a vagina as 'trim' isn't fun in this day and age), he also dances with the obligatory 'curly-headed-sassy-80s-black-girl,' and before saying hello says "if I'm not in some flesh in five minutes I'll kill someone" (that's not a misquote, we all remembred it). She is, rightly appalled, but then is shown to have slept with him later, even promising to wait for him till he gets out of jail.


Other than Morally, the movie is a showcase for 80s movies cliches. The only real ones I can't think of are, perhaps, an endangered baby, and the hero running and jumping away from an explosion. Let's have a look at some scenes:

• The cop drinks, fights dirty, and has women problems, but he gets the job DONE!
• The 'good' guys, in a car, are involved in a gunfight with the badguys, who are in a bus.
• This scene above is only possible because of the immense good fortune in finding their bus, despite not suspecting a bus, nor seeing them driving it. He just appears next to it. 
• Various car chases make civilian cars swerve out of the way
• One chase ends with a car smashed through a store window
• Despite racially abusing each other throughout the movie, the two leads are friends by the end of the movie, for no real reason other than mutual respect.
• There is an angry, black D.A. who suspends Nick Nolte ("you're off the case!" he shouts)
• The two are stumped about what to do, but the location of the two badguys is found because of a sarcastic remark by Eddie Murphy.
• The final battle takes place in a steam-filled, darkened alleyway.
• Nolte nearly has the bad guys, but is wrongly stopped by police before any shooting can take place.
• The main badguy, previously a shoot-first type of guy, talks to Eddie Murphy, and then takes him hostage instead of keeping with his persona and just shooting him.
•  Dozens of shots are fired at point blank range and miss.
• Dozens of shots are fired and no gun is ever reloaded. 

As well as this, there are at least two chase scenes don't follow logic. The chaser is right behind them, and by the time they reach a corner, they are a huge distance behind them, losing their target. This happens at least twice in the underground metro chase scene.

Also of note is the fashion, and music. So many of the genre tropes are there and present, this seems like the kind of thing which would be the buddy cop to end all buddy cop movies. It's interesting, not only because the action scenes include every 80s cliche ever, but also offer a good glimpse into views whch people who decry the rise of political correctness would have us still spouting. A flawed classic, probably.

Pictures up here soon, hope you're all just super.

*That's right assholes, dropped an o-bomb.

Samurai Guy: Kurosawa's Samurai Movies Part 2.

You've read part one and youve tirelessly watched those four movies. Now, you want more, but where are you going to get it? Right here, that's where!

5. Ran [1985]

Plot In One Sentence: It's King Lear in Japan, as three brothers fight amongst themselves after their father decides to retire from kinghood.
Thoughts: Possibly one of the most brutal, beautiful movies ever made. The costumes, sets, and cinematography really have to be seen to be believed. Watched on a big screen it's almost achingly gorgeous. The action scenes are brutal and exquisite, and are wonderful displays of costumed man-management. This on its own makes it worth seeing. The DVD extra feature I have on this, a making of, is one of the few I've ever seen which makes me more in awe of the achievements in the movie. The costumes were individually stitched from silk to match the time period.

There are several versions of the DVD, all of which have pretty striking covers.

 The battles involved literally thousands of costumed extras, and the sets were solid enough to withstand an actual siege. It's an amazing, technicolour achievement, but there are some downsides. Some of the acting is less than compelling (I'm looking at you faggy* jester guy) it also features the worst female character in any movie ever, not just a Kurosawa movie. The title of Ran means Chaos, or upheaval, and the utter misery of the conclusion leaves a sour taste behind. This is probably one of the ten movies to see before you die, although it's hard to see it more than a few times, despite the stunning beauty of some scenes.  

 6. Sanjuro [1962]

Plot In One Sentence: A sequel (possibly) to Yojimbo, as a grizzled ronin helps out a group of 12 hopeless, young samurai against a corrupt lord.
Thoughts: This is a good, surprisingly funny adventure movie. However it is hampered by two incompetent Kurosawa women, who are just idiots in this movie. Also not helping are the 12 conspirator samurai, who never make any right decisions and bicker like schoolchildren. This is played a little too frequently to just be for laughs. This is a loose sequel to Yojimbo, in that it features a grizzled, lazy, highly skilled, but unnamed samurai played by Toshiro Mifune.

Who is, judging by this poster, 20 feet tall.

Largely it's a light-hearted romp, held together by the towering central forces of Nakedai and Mifune. Their performances in particular raise this from pedestrian Summer-fare to something more enthralling. The fact that the conclusion is mentioned in any review you read, including this one, and features only the two of them, is proof of their performances. Funny, and then tense, and entertaining, but not the best of the Samurai movies. Still worth watching though.

7. Kagemusha [1980]

Plot In One Sentence: A thief acts as a doppleganger for a shogun during the era of warring states.
Thoughts: I watched this again recently, having dismissed it previously. It follows a warrior clan in the warring era, and yet shows very little action,. We're shown troops besieging, or leaving battlefields, or grouped en masse, but most of the action remains offscreen. The result is we deal with the human effect of constant war, giving the feel of an intimate epic. I was very impressed with it on the second viewing. There are some brilliant scenes, such as the massed army marching past the sun, or the march past of the shadow warrior, passing his massed troops, but which we view from above next to some enemy spies.

Kurosawa's own artwork, which looks not dissimilar to things I draw while on the phone.

The sets and costumes, and ambitions show this to be almost a training version of Ran, but in a way it's a more satisfying movie than that. The shadow warriors death / suicide at the movie's conclusion is a choice, and gives him a sense of honour, despite his former clan being entirely wiped out. Compare this to the unneccesarry killing of the last son in Ran, and this choice makes it a little less nihilistic, despite the devastation. Kagemusha is a little overlong perhaps, and there are some weak scenes, such as the Shinto-inspired dream sequence. Scenes with the shadow warrior bonding with the child are also irritating at times. . Still, this is a remarkably epic, beautifully shot movie which is underrated, especially by myself. I also like that the doppleganger is twice outed by a horse, as the people are unaware. As much as Kurosawa hated women, he loved horses.

8. Hidden Fortress [1958]

Plot In One Sentence: Two peasants trapped in enemy territory, help a general and their princess to transport gold back to their home region
Thoughts: My DVD of this has arch film revisor George Lucas explain that the plot is the first of its kind, and that it influenced the telling of the original Star Wars. Notably, it lets the story unfold from the point of view of two seemingly superfluous, lower-class characters, much like C-3P0 and R2D2. Other than that, it would probably have faded into insignificance. Toshiro Mifune is an imposing character here, but he's given little to do, and the most important character in the piece, the princess, is just terrible.

We like short-shorts, now stop asking!

 I read somewhere that she didn't act again after it, and I can kind of see why, she's pretty enough, and isn't a terrible character, but seems to equate screaming with acting. The purpose of the movie is to prevent her capture, but she's such a pain that I wouldn't have minded at all if she had been taken, kicking and screaming. This is largely light-hearted, but with some tense moments, and a relative lack of action. The scene at the fire sequence is good too. Overall, this is the least imperative of the Kurosawa samurai movies, and even that still influenced Star Wars. That in itself is probably more impressive than the movie.

So there you have it, 8 - EIGHT! - samurai movies to get on with. Lucky you. Hope you're all fantastic.

*Please note, I'm using faggy here in the sense of 'messing around incompetently and constantly', not the homosexual insult. I am typically loathe to use the word, but this guy gives me little choice.

Samurai Guy: Kurosawa's Samurai Movies Part 1.

An easy one here: If you've not seen any Kurosawa Samurai movies, and you need somewhere to start, follow this list. If you want, you can overlook the following movies importance to Japanese cinema and world cinema, the hidden subtexts or the influence that they've had, or the filmic techniques. You cannot, however, overlook them as great movies. I'll do them in the order you should see them, and will try to avoid spoilers as far as I can, but I'd say just get watching.

1. Yojimbo [1961]

Plot In One Sentence: A grizzled ronin plays two warring gangs off each other in a miserable town.
Thoughts: The loose plot of this was taken from some American crime procedural, and this movie then 'inspired' the 'A Fistful of Dollars' which copies it almost scene for scene. Yojimbo (the bodyguard) is a straight-forward action movie, with some hidden meanings and motivations visible on second viewings. Toshiro Mifune is terrific as the titular bodyguard, a grizzled anti-hero, lazy but exceptionally skilled as a swordsman. The support cast, composed of many of Kurosawa's regulars, are great too. It's visually distinctive, and at times darkly amusing: for example, the arresting sight of a dog trotting happily along carrying a human hand in its mouth, or the dashing of expectations as we are told of the skill of another swordsman, whose only appearance is to show him waving goodbye as he escapes the town forever.

Probably a little too much going on in this one too.

Also interesting is the position of women- surely a thesis is waiting to be written on Kurosawa and woman- in Yojimbo they are either prostitutes, or the wife of one of the gang leaders. One wife in particular effectively leads the gang herself: she is scheming, vicious and violent, she's one of the most unsympathetic charcters in a movie filled with them. The set, namely the broad, wind-swept high street of the town, is great, and Tatsuya Nakadai is also good as a nefarious, gun-wielding villain. This is a a good, solid, tightly-plotted, visually-striking and brilliantly directed action movie, one which only the most racist or stupid of people would say is bad. That's why it's a great starting point for Kurosawa movies.

2. Throne of Blood [1957]

Plot In One Sentence: In this MacBeth-in-Japan, a warrior learns his fate and does his best to avoid it. 
Thoughts: This is probably as good a version of MacBeth as you'll ever see, and there's not a word of English in it. While there are some aspects which are dated- such as the sound effects of the witches laughter, or the nightjars -  it still perfectly encapusaltes the dilemma of MacBeth accepting or denying his fate. Of particular note is some of the cinematography, and obviosuly the plot, which meshes MacBeth perfectly with Samurai Japan. While the action typically only obliquely viewed, we see people rushing from to or coming from battles, battlefields after the action, or get ongoing updates from various messengers, the movie as a whole still seems action packed and the threat of violence is alluded to right until the bloody finale.

Not a great DVD cover, but who cares about DVD covers? Not I.

The finale, memorable for its sea of trees, and the firing of arrows at Mifune as MacBeth, was apparently filmed using genuine arrows, so that the look of fear on Mifune's face would seem genuine. It certainly worked. On top of that are some great uses of mist and fog, some atmospheric Japanese castles and sets, great costumes, and some great scenes, which make it seem so authentic. What's also interesting is that the equvalent of Lady McBeth is now even less sympathetic than she was in Shakespeare, now more than a mere suggestive influence, but the force which makes him act. It's held together through captivating performances and atmosphere. A truly brilliant movie, and a truly brilliant version of MacBeth.

3. Seven Samurai [1954]

Plot in One sentence: A poor illage enlists seven samurai to help fight a group of bandits.
Thoughts: This was the first Kurosawa movie I'd seen, and it was like staring at the sun. I didn't mind or even notice its 31/2 hour plot. I seriously must have seen it like 10 times, and will happily watch it again soon. It's still brilliant, amazingly shot, with all the characters wonderful and characterised in a realistic manner. The action scenes are also beyond compare. It is both epic and intimate. It's a masterpiece.

This, colourful abomination, however, isn't. Oh, what a bitch I am.

 Now however, I've noticed some problems: some of the 'comedy' scenes, and the romance in particular, haven't lasted the test of time. I'm also struck by the notion that the bandits surely must have realised that they could have ransacked somewhere else until the samurai left that town. However, perhaps that's the point - everyone involved is tied into their roles: as villagers, as samurai, as bandits, and there would be no point resisting that. However, that, and its place at the top of the best movies of all time list mean that it shouldn't be the first one you see, because it's likely to taint your views if you don't like it as much. Some of the comedy scenes don't go so well, but it's filled with memorable images speeches, and battle scenes. The final battle, in the rain, is one of the saddest, most epic in all of cinema. Stunning.

4. Rashomon [1950]

Plot In One Sentence: A murder and possibly a rape take place, and we gain conflicting views of how it happened through various interviews with those involved. 
 Thoughts: This was the movie which shot Kurosawa to fame internationally, winning the Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival. It has been remade as a western, and has given us the term 'Rashomon Effect' to describe any movie with unreliable narraotrs, or when the truth is uncertain. Obvious examples include The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, or Memento.

Yeah this is the best I could find at the moment.

It's a great piece of film history,  but it's not quite as entertaining as some of his later works. The part with the child at the end is also a little saccharine. Despite this, it's more than interesting,  as it has some good performances and cinematography, there is a reason that the 'walk through the woods' is so well remembered. However, although it is great, I view it as more of a 'sign of things to come' both from Kurosawa and Mifune in particular.

If that's whet your appetite, the next four are coming up soon. lucky you guys! For those wondering, I won't include 'The Men Who Tread On The Tiger's Tail,' because it's bad even by propaganda standards.

6 Shitty Modern Movies Everyone Loves

Yeah, yeah. More hating, what are you going to do? Not read? That's ok. The following are movies which seem to remain popular and which critics and commentators seem to appreciate, but which I think don't deserve the adoration. Close to making the list, The Avengers, Up In The Air, Monsters, and any number of others. The Dark Knight Rises would be here but I've already mentioned it. The good reviews that got when it first came out are proof that critics are influenced by studios into giving good reviews, as anyone with half a brain could see it was horseshit. The following are more overrated movies.

6. Wall-E

For whatever reason, this got the best reviews ever. It's got some great, beautiful, scenes, but man does it go on too long. Also, the whole 'romance despite being able to say one word only thing' got really annoying really fast. Which is a shame as that's one of the central tenants of the movie. Also there was a half baked notion not to trust technology, as well as to appreciate the earth and don't sit in a pod all the time. It's a good looking movie, but not one I'd rewatch endlessly. A Special Mention, also, to Pixar's Up, which is all downhill after the first few minutes.

5. Knocked Up

 I really don't get the appeal of this. I admit that I am generally not a fan of Judd Apataow movies, mainly because they're comedy movies which aren't funny. This applies especially here, it's filled with failed gross-out jokes, unlikeable characters who you couldn't possibly care about, and makes awkward nods to societal problems. The result isn't entertaining, funny, or interesting. She's nearly fired for being pregnant? Interesting. She kicks the idiot who knocked her up out of the car and screams a lot? Hilarious. He's a manchild who lives with a bunch of unfunny friends of the director? ROFL. I can't fathom how this is held as a modern classic, it's shit. I saw this with an ex, and she whispered half way through 'I really hope they have an abortion.' It was one of the only times I laughed during that movie.

4. Saving Private Ryan

Ok this is fine, in a boys on a mission kind of way. It's got some good performances (although NOT by Ted Danson, who's terrible in it) and some good scenes (particularly the breathless opening scenes of the Normandy landings) but it devolves into a 'search and trek along' movie pretty quickly. Also, the things with the crying old man at the beginning and end are utterly irrelevant, and the music is too saccharine and emotive for anything. Good, but could so easily have been better

3. Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino is another director who I'm not really a fan of. Most of his movies are too long, too self-absorbed and too overrated. The dialogue is irritating. Pulp Fiction hasn't aged well, and it is remarkably contrived. It's like something a perverted idiot who thinks he is clever comes up with. I should know. Anyway, Basterds was also given good reviews and I think an Oscar nomination for best film. I know people who consider it a great movie. It's not. It's overlong and predictable. For example, the scene in the bar was always going to end in a massacre, and still managed to go on for an eternity. Meanwhile, the loose playing with history, is not just stupid, it's offensive. I can't think of a movie I dislike more. Even Christopher Waltz's performance wasn't as great as everyone says. Top of my list for why I hate this movie though, was the Bear Jew. He had been bigged up by friends. Instead we see a wussy, not-very-big guy with a high pitched voice. He killed unarmed Nazis with a baseball bat. A 9 year old kid could do that. The conclusion, after at least an hour too much of this shit, is a mugging Brad Pitt at the end and he says something like 'I think this might just be my masterpiece' moments before it says 'Directed by Quentin Tarantino' - what a smug shit. A terrible movie, terribly overrated.

2. Terminator 2

It's a fair movie, although it is overlong (how many visions of a nuclear bomb does Sarah Connor need to see?) There's a reason it's iconic: A scary, impressive CGIed bad guy, an outgunned Arnie, and some great action scenes (the one in the truck is good) etc. There are, however, a few things which drag it down: The first movie had an intimate charm about it: people got shot, and it wasn't overblown. In this movie people don't get shot, and it's incredibly overblown. It's probably the movie that made the Transformer movies possible. Also, the kid is incredibly irritating, he's just the worst. This is a good, solid action movie, but one which often held up as one of the best movies of all time (at least by a couple of mates of mine). It isn't.

1. Broken Flowers / Lost in Translation

I have a fair amount of time for Bill Murray, he can do good work, such as in Ghostbusters (which is also hard to enjoy because of its mental fans) and he's also good in some Wes Anderson movies, and things like Zombieland. He's not good, however, in movies he's serious in. Broken Flowers was held as a great indie movie, but was interminable. Lost in Translation is abysmal, and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when people talk of it as something more than self-absorbed, fish-out-of-water boring nonsense. Bill Murray can be good, but he can also be terrible, these two, and the almost unwatchable Caddyshack, are evidence of the latter. I can see how he's a cult hero, but hate people that wear shirts with his face on it and will hear no wrong about him. He's good, but he's not the Messiah, he was Garfield for fucks sake.

There you go. Movies I don't like. If you disagree, I don't really mind. 

8 Weird, Recent Japanese Movies To Watch Tonight

All movies are inherently odd. Even straightforward movies have often ludicrous premises. Even so, every once in a while (or more often, if you are me, and have my friends) you see a movie that defies all logic and is utterly bizarre. Here are eight. The following are Japanese, of course, a nation that seems adept at making alien, exotic, excellent movies. However, they won't include any Takashi Miike movies, because a) I've already talked about them, and b) there're too many to bother with. So, let's talk about movies that I haven't mentioned yet. Chances are, if you've seen the no. 1 on this list, you'll know exactly what it is. Spoilers abound. Also noteworthy, Suicide Club.

8. Paprika [2006]

Yes Paprika is a bizarre, mind boggling movie, but I've already talked about it here, so I won't mention it again. That's my self-imposed rule. Nothing I've talked about before.As a reward, here's the theme tune. Good luck getting this out of your head.

7. Mindgame [2004]

Plot In One Sentence: Tonnes of shit happens in this movie, all with disparate visual style, including a whale, a comic writer, and some fighting.

Good poster, but not great. [source]

Thoughts: The story is bizarre, though not as much as the others later on in this list. What is most impressive is the sheer variety of visual styles used, the amount of effort must have been extraordinary. My overriding memories are being impressed with the manic intensity of the story, and the incredibly imagination of the art. Interesting despite the sensory overload and epileptic fit you get by watching it.
Best Moment: the extended piece in the whale is good.

6. Big Man Japan [2007]

Plot In One Sentence: A mock-documentary following 'Big Man Japan', a regular man occasionally employed by the state to turn into a 100ft tall superhero and fight a variety of bizarre monsters.

Big Man Japan talks to a horny octopus monster. Cool. [source]

Thoughts: Before seeing this, I knew that it was about a modern guy fighting monsters, but had no idea that it was so bizarre. It follows, documentary-style the current 'Big Man Japan' whose job is largely irrelevant because most of the genuinely threatening monsters have been destroyed already. He is therefore left with only weak or bizarre monsters to fight, and his personal popularity is very low. We follow him at a low ebb, on the (very) lowest branches on the tree of celebrity (or 'celebri-tree' if you will): public resentment towards him (as a building damager and major use of electricity) is palpable, his agent is obviously stealing from him, and most of the rituals around his enlargement (including giant purple undies he grows into so he isn't naked) are shown to be useless. His life is unpleasant, and you can't help but feel for him, especially as he has his ass kicked by a giant red monster (which I think was either meant to represent North Korea or China), and people enjoy laughing at him. On this list not only because of the unusual plot, but the pitch-perfect recreation of a documentary following around a fool, and being applied to such a bizarre set of circumstances. My favourite monster: The screaming leg with a face on top of it. The ending is stupid, incidentally, but I think it may be the final thoughts of a dying man, or an allegory for American intervention in Japanese affairs.This takes precedence over a movie by the same guy, Symbol which is nuts, but not as genuinely bizarre as this. 
Best Moment: His drive, on a scooter, up to the facility where he is enlarged, as we see the protests and slogans written against him. A joy.

5. Tokyo Gore Police [2008]

Plot In One Sentence: A privatised police force reign with an iron fist and fight genetic mutants, which only the most elite cops (i.e the chick from Audition) can kill.

Now this is bizarre, a blonde Japanese woman. [source]

Thoughts: I had heard good things about this, but couldn't help but feel that it was stupid, and either unnecessarily exploitative or a failed satire. It suggests a dystopian future, and has far too much unnecessary violence and stupidity (the dismembered body bits are done better in 'Suicide Club' which is itself pretty stupid). The premise to this, however, is the kind of thing written by a 14 year old boy. Not great, but it is held together by some really deranged moments, such as the incidental ads on TV, which we see selling wrist cutting razors, and swords to commit harakiri with, what a harsh future that will be!Other than that, the girl from Audition is far too skinny in this, her voyage in the underground is like a lesson in underweight posing, while some of the mutations have to be given credit for their imagination - such as the penis gun, the vaginagator, and at least some of the girls are pretty (before they are mutilated).  
 Best Moment: I suppose the cheering that the torso on a seat gets in the gimp club. Or, the vaginagator.

4. Cat Soup [2001]

Plot In One Sentence: A hungry, anthropomorphic cat fights fate and various obstacles to help heal his brain damaged sister.

Water elephants are endangered because Chinese people grind up their water tusks for traditional medicine. [source]

Thoughts: This is only short (half an hour or so) and, again, it's based on a cartoon by Nekojiru (thanks Wikipedia). It is remarkably dark, plays with a lot of fairy tales, and ends on a very pessimistic note. It's all tied together by a weird mix of religious imagery, folk stories and fairy tales, and some really innovative, dreamlike music and graphics: This is a really interesting use of half an hour. It's dialogue free, although speech bubbles hint at conversations. I imagine it would be hard to sympathise with the main character for some, but as an anthropomorphic cat, he would be expected to kill most animals he sees. Some stunning, insane animation too, and the lack of any explanation (who is the pig in their boat?) is also good. I liked this.
Bet Moment: The circus, or the water elephant, both of which lead to unnecessary deaths.

3. Uzimaki (Spiral) [2000]

Plot In One Sentence: A town becomes obsessed with vortexes and spirals, with disastrous results.

Yeah this is pretty gross. Luckily he survived. [source]

Thoughts: Another one based on a manga cartoon, and which is available in English, though I haven't read it, or really intend to. This is interesting, showing the fixation of a town, some brutal murders, and then some horrific spiral mutations. The best thing of all is that there is little if no explanation of why this is happening. A dark, horrible horror movie, but not without black humour and moments that make you go, 'naaa'.
Best Moment: Your fingerprints are spirals, so better cut them off. That or the man- snails.

2. Tetsuo The Iron Man [1989]

Plot In One Sentence: A guy turns into a metal man, and meets his nemesis.

A scene from the metallic, black and white, freeze-framed love scene. Eat your heart out Wall-E. [source]

Thoughts: This is a really bizarre, really alternative movie. It's done on the cheap, using a lots of stop motion, models and speeding up to enhance the action, but it belies its small budget. The beginning, in an industrial setting, with our hero dancing to heavy industrial music, is immensely cool. There is very little in the way of dialogue or explanations, and it probably could use them. It's a cult classic, violent, powerful and with some devastating imagery. It's interesting, but difficult to sit through.
Best Moment: Also memorable is his fight, and the sex scene, which is horrifying and arousing (I know).

1. Funky Forest [2005]

Plot In One Sentence: It's hard to say, but there are a number of sketches revolving around a possible (Piko-Riko) alien invasion, a singles picnic, and some dancing. 

Yeah, this happened. [source]

 Thoughts: This really is demented, not as violent of gross as most of the others on this list, but it really doesn't follow anything like a plot, or logical explanation. You might have seen some of the screenshots online (there's one on the beach which I'd seen before, and another of a guy, a girl, and a yellow thing all looking weirdly at the screen which is from the school scene), and the plot, such as it is, is largely an excuse to have fun. You can tell that the actor's think it's weird and are enjoying themselves, and that's something, unlike most of hte movies on this list, this is actually pretty funny. While there are bizarre sketches (one with a movie director dog is a real eye opener in a movie full of them), there are also multiple dance sequences, comedy gross bits, some light satire and some slapstick, as well as an interval. The result is the height of insanity, particularly as it's at least an hour too long.
Best Moment: A lot of it, though the fat white kid who hassles guitar brother is fun, and the little creatures which make for both the weirdest orchestra, and the weirdest badminton game ever. What's also great is the caliber of actors on show, some of whom are now making waves as Asian sidekicks in Hollywood movies.

So there you have it. Just for sake of reference, I originally wrote this list with only two Japanese movies, and 8 non Japanese ones. To tantalise you, I'll write up the non Japanese one before too long, Take care and fight to win.
Pascal.

P.S. Will add pictures tomorrow, but am busy tonight!

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Takashi Miike Movies I've Seen Part 3

So we're back, with 5 more Miike movies I've seen since I last wrote of movies I've seen by him. The last list was only a few months ago. It's amazing what having no steady girlfriend can do for watching movies you want! As ever, this can continue on, so if you like it, read it. Tell your friends. Or don't, I don't make any money out of this. The second part can be seen here while the first can be found right here. Please note that I'm trialling a new 'Weird-O-Meter' to indicate how weird a movie is. Spoilers abound.

1. Gozu [2005] 

A lively tongue-ing. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A Mafia tough and his soon-to-be executed boss make an unexpected, lengthy  stop at a bizarre strip mall.
Thoughts: I avoided this one because it keeps cropping up in the 'most insane movies' lists I see. Resultantly I dismissed it as less than essential and put it to the back of my mental list. After having seen it, I mostly agree that there are better Miike movies around. I went in expecting either gore on the scale of Ichi the Killer, or of bizarre flights of fancy that I'd even Miike himself hadn't reached before or since. In either case, I was both impressed and unimpressed by this: make no mistake, it's demented. Barring a few jarring moments of insanity and / or violence, this is a strangely philosophical deconstruction of both the road trip and the yakuza movie genre.

What makes it interesting is the interplay between the characters and how they react to some very unusual situations. The movie is populated with unnerving characters, and climaxes with perhaps the most unexpected birthing scene of all time. The use of the Minotaur on the movies poster, and DVD cover, I was surprised to find that it is only incidental. It's still odd, and unexplained, but a minotaur only making a fleeting appearance is somehow a genuine concern in a Miike movie. Overall this is a interesting, and strangely soothing movie, and also batshit insane: it is, in fact the closest that Miike has come to replicating David Lynch. For example, I haven't yet referred to the bizarre case of mistaken identity (straight from Lynch's 'Lost Highway') or, of all things, a homemade volcano stand used to house a ladle fetish - or the guy with psoriasis who acts as some sort of spiritual interpreter for the gangsters. Bizarre, and possibly essential. Real marmite stuff, and I liked it. 
Score on the 'Weird-O-Meter': ****

2. Hara Kiri: Death Of A Samurai [2012]

"Pick up the sword." "not this year" - Fight for seven minutes in an alleyway.[source]

Plot In One Sentence: A unemployed samurai seeks to commit Hara Kiri and recounts his version of events, which tie into the death of his beloved son. 
Thoughts: This is a remake of a 1962 original. The original is one of my very favourite movies, I've had an 'in praise of' about it in draft for well over a year now. It's the reason I bought a Blu-Ray player. The remake was conceived, I imagine, as a more sobre piece on samurai code to the excellent remake of  '13 Assassins,' which shares much of the scenery and cast as this movie. together, they should form a diptych, both movies showing the inherent foolishness of the inflexible loyalty of the samurai code.

 However, having seen the original, this remake is pointless, as it lacks the intensity, political machinations, and performances of the original. With only slight differences in story, and this time  in colour, and with added 3D, it merely seeks to reinforce the superiority of the superlative original. The 3D is largely pointless also, as most of the action is static until the thrilling conclusion. While both movies highlight the futility of the inflexibility of the Samurai code, the remake lacks the depth of the original, which had a political poignancy over Japan's failure to come to terms with its role in WWII. Largely pointless.   
Score on the 'Weird-O-Meter': *

3. Visitor Q [2001]

If you've seen this, you know that his particular mystery is hideous. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A family commit various crimes and social faux-pas, while an enigmatic, unexplained visitor enters their lives.
Thoughts: I have decided to view this as an allegorical, disgusting take on modern life. It leaves literally no moral stone unturned, as we see incest, rape, necrophilia, voyeurism, lactation, murder. Yet at the same time it can be seen as an allegory for the struggles of family life, with its conclusion being seen to reinforce the nuclear family, an almost conservative social view after an hour of mayhem. As an allegory, it showcases the daily concerns of families and family members, only magnified to insane levels.

 For example, the Oedipal distance between mother and adolescent son takes the form of brutal beatings; the fathers reluctant acceptance of his daughter as a sexual being manifests itself through prostitution and incest; the mild things that housewives have to do to take their mind off their lot becomes heroin addiction and more prostitution. The head of the family, the father, has to deal with sexual boredom, social unpopularity and poor career decisions evident in most families, are here used to give a showcase of murder, voyeurism and then a hideous necrophilia scene, with some of the darkest comedy ever seen. This is deranged, but blackly funny. Almost the very definition of 'not for everyone.' Short, sweet, deranged, immoral and quite possibly brilliant. a hugely black comedy, and possibly the worst movie ever to watch with your parents, or on a first date. 
Score on the 'Weird-O-Meter': ****1/2

4. One Missed Call [2003]

Just one of the reason that mirrored ceilings in bathrooms will never catch on. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: People get a call from the future of themselves dying, it then comes true.  
Thoughts: A pretty poor, generic J-horror genre movie without even the typical flairs of Miike. It's disappointing, and hardly even chilling. It's also far too long for a genre movie. I think it didn't help seeing it so close to seeing The Grudge, The Ring and Dark Water, but it's not great even without those other movies around. A definite low point and strangely prosaic genre exercise, despite a couple of gruesome deaths. Inessential.
Score on the 'Weird-O-Meter': **

5. The Bird People Of China [1998]

Almost impossible to get a picture of this, so you're stuck with this red-rimmed abomination. [source]

 Plot In One Sentence: A salaryman heads to China on a business trip, where he is joined by a translator and a yakuza member, and they are all bewildered by an unspoilt mountain village. 

Thoughts: Compared to some of Miike's more intense movies, this is immensely pensive and subdued; proof indeed that he can do thoughtful, character-based pieces. It is both interesting and interestingly subdued. The movie hinges on the voyage of discovery, and the conflict between technology and primitivism - a key factor is when the salaryman's Walkmans batteries die out. In essence it displays the conflict between the Japanese 'West' and the remote Rural Chinese 'East'. Of great importance to the movies plot is the rather cheap looking plane still crashed into the river, which is now all that is left of a WWII British pilot, other than a granddaughter, a secret song (a now-garbled version of a Scottish ballad) and the secrets of flight. This secret now manifests itself in some of the rituals of the village, and is evidence of the transmission of myths in community building.  There are some great performances, particularly by the three main characters (the translator is played by none other than the wonderful Mako), and there are only a few Miike-ish glitches (the turtle powered raft for one, and the movies climax) but is otherwise a thoughtful, largely spiritual movie. Interesting, and quite beautiful, recommended.
Score on the 'Weird-O-Meter': *1/2

There you go, some more stuff coming up, but I also have to prepare for my next job, which is, again, overseas, so I'll be busy. Hope y'all is fine.

Romero's '... Of The Dead' Movies Discussed

Some zombies, one in a toga [source]

 Beause of the weather, I've been on somewhat of a zombie movie binge recently. Particularly George A. Romero zombie movies. They're pretty archetypal for zombie movies: the zombies are slow, their origins only hinted at, and the focus is more on how the survivors deal with things, rather than the threat of the zombies themselves. They're perhaps not great art, although at least one is culturally significant, but they are great fun. The following '...of the dead movies' which I've seen are reviewed in chronological order. There are a couple of new ones that I a) can't be bothered tracking down, and b) have heard that they are terrible, so they remain unwatched and unloved for now. The plots are disparate, but seem to suggest that they take place in the same zombie infested world as time progresses. While the first movie shows the resistance against the zombies, the middle two show that the struggle is failing, while the fourth seems to have made an uneasy compromise between zombies and mankind. The Zombies are shown to be evolving through the series, posing a continual, increasingly intelligent threat to mankind. There are also political subtexts available to them all, but thankfully these are not necessarily at the expense of gore, fighting, and insane deaths. Simultaneously smart and stupid, they are immensely entertaining and enjoyable. Please note, this contains spoilers, so if you're a wuss who'll bitch about a list of which the newest movie is nearly a decade old, kindly punch yourself in your respective reproductive organs.

01. Night Of The Living Dead [1968]

There is far too much going on in this poster. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Throughout America, the dead are rising and attacking the living,- can a disparate group of people put their differences aside and survive in a barricaded, under-siege house? (Not a sentence)

What's The Underlying Political Theme? Racism and the contemporary Civil Rights Movement

Thoughts: A genuinely great movie, deemed "culturally, historically or aesthetically significant" by the  Library of Congress. It accurately shows the panic and finger-pointing that would likely arise in a similar, quickly spreading plague. Television and radio, when available, shows armed militia (largely rednecks) destroying zombies systematically as politicians and the press to deal with the situation. The mindless hive of a violent dead being taken on by a group of gun toting rednecks, aptly reflects the contemporary debate and prejudices of the Civil Rights Movements. Confused newsreaders and politicians draw a link between a passing meteorite that is making the dead rise again, but it's never clearly explained. This mystery as to 'why' the zombies exist is never answered definitively in any of movies in the series, and adds to the mystique.

Some of the gang tune in to look at a chair and listen to the radio. [source]

In this particular movie, the humans trapped in the house are largely unsympathetic. Most obviously, the cowardly father of the child, who locks himself and his family downstairs out of nothing more than self-interest. He also has an attractive wife and a zombie daughter. He is quick to anger, and seethes with a barely concealed racism at the hero of the movie, a handsome, resourceful black fellow. This ugly side of humanity is painfully evident throughout the series, and is a common contributor to disagreements and deaths. Similarly, the lead woman, in a state of shock, is beyond useless. However, the hero, and a couple of others, are intelligent enough to barricade the house, and make plans to either escape or survive. Together, they bicker and try to escape, and then survive, for the night, before a superb, poignant and politically charged ending. Brilliant on its own, and brilliant for spawning the modern zombie movie. 

Overall Zombie Rating: Not as gory as others on this list, but an excellent piece of film-making, tense, tight. It is simultaneously socially and politically conscious, and viable entertainment.The original, and possibly the best, modern zombie movie. Also, I covered this in a copyright law lecture, that it is freely available online legally, get it right now.

02. Dawn of the Dead[1978]

The source has this for sale at £199. Irony? [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Some survivors head to the local mall where they battle the zombies and a bike gang.

What's The Underlying Political Theme? Consumer Culture.

Thoughts: A solid, belated sequel to the first movie, which shows that as time has passed, both zombies and the human survivors are adapting to their new situations. We're shown police and military forces gradually losing the war against zombies, with crime, particularly armed crime, being an unnecessary drain on the rapidly diminishing forces. Meanwhile, tv and radio transmissions have all but ceased as emergency broadcasts take over. We follow a group who end up in a large mall, which is soon fortified. the dynamics of the four main characters: two policeman and a couple, are again shown to be the most important in their own survival. It's rare in a Romero movie that someone careful and thoughtful is killed, rather deaths arise because of rash decisions or out of anger. This is particularly true here.

This is on most posters for the movie, despite being a huge spoiler [source]

  The zombies are shown to have a residual memory of their lives, leading them to continue to swarm to the mall. We're told that this is because "it was an important part in their life". From a social standpoint, there are some noteworthy aspects here: the racism evident in the first movie is still evident here, particularly in a racially charged siege of an apartment block at the movies beginning. Furthermore, like the first movie, Romero chooses to have a big black guy as probably the most sympathetic person in the movie. The same is true, to a lesser extent, in all the other movies. Other than that, there is casual domestic abuse and misogyny, and a character telling of her pregnancy while chain-smoking. Most amusingly of all, scenes which show the characters rummaging through stores and trying on the latest fashions reveals some of the most unalluring clothes of all time. The ending is again largely negative, but it is humans rather than the zombies themselves, which are the real threat. It is, however, far too long, at well over two hours, which is just too long for a zombie movie largely set in one mall.  Personally, I think this one is a little overrated: good, but my least favourite of the four reviewed here.

Overall Zombie Rating: The movie is good, and shows a good development both of how mankind and how the zombies are moving on from the first movie. Surprisingly, the 2004 remake is also good.

03. Day Of The Dead [1985]

Evidence of the 'Every dollar we spend on posters is a dollar not spent on booze' movement. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Army guys and scientists fight it out in an underground lair over how best to deal with zombies.
 What's The Underlying Political Theme? Unbridled aggression by the armed forces aggression, and scientific engineering.
Thoughts: This is slow, and stupid, but I have a huge soft spot for it. It's not the 'best' Romero zombie movie, but it's definitely my favourite. The boss of the military guys is absolutely awesome - he looks like an evil version of Jason Bateman, and his evilness is played with obvious relish. He has some great lines too, him screaming "I'm running this monkey farm now!" is something I say whenever I'm drunk and in charge of organising things, which is surprisingly frequent. There is also time for a debate on the religious and sociological significance of the zombie outbreak too, with a relaxed Jamaican helicopter driver and his drunken Irish pal. The impasse that the scientists and soldiers come to is a cynical reflection on the military-industrial complex, as well as, perhaps the fear America has of science, but the point isn't particularly laboured. There is also evidence of the increasing intelligence of some zombies, notably the character Bub, who seems to retain some memory of his life. The movie suggests that while humanity bickers and dies out, the zombies continue to rise.

This is Michael Bluth, and he's not happy. [source]

There are some good deaths, always important in a zombie movie. My two favourites are "choke on 'em!" and a soldier laughing himself to death, both of which need no explanation if you've seen it.  On a lighter note, the Mexican soldier, with the beard and the one arm, looks surprisingly like an old friend of mine, and we used to make him do the voice and tantrum thing he does throughout the movie. He's not nice to his girlfriend, and this is the third one to suggest domestic abuse so far, although this is more than hinted at here. I'm glad that the most recent one (below) stands up against violence against women. However much I like this movie though, it's not without its flaws. The army guys are perhaps too unpleasant and unsympathetic, and the escape at the end, through a tunnel, is both thrilling and stupid (they have very limited ammo, but literally unload clip after clip into one zombie's torso,). Almost unforgivably, the movie ends on an 'it was all a dream' note - luckily waking from that dream still involves a zombie filled nightmarish reality.

Overall Zombie Rating: A good mix of survival techniques, politics, humour and zombies. I have a huge soft spot for this, so I argue that it is recommended.

04. Land of The Dead

[source] the best poster yet, and it's still not great.

Plot In One Sentence: Dennis Hopper is a tyrant in a new walled city, doing his best to keep the regular people, and zombies, away from him and his self-appointed elite.

What Is The Underlying Theme? Increasing financial inequality.

Thoughts: This isn't bad, but it's not great either. It's pretty well shot, and the budget for it is probably ten times the budget for the other three combined. This, weirdly, makes it look a little cheaper, and less charming, than its predecessors. Humans have been reduced to scavenging for food in their forays beyond their heavily fortified walls, effectively allowing the rest of the world to zombie control. The real distinction is shown to be not between the humans and the zombies, but the suit-wearing elite, and everyone else. The zombies and the people at the bottom are both shown to be mindless, miserable, and with no chance to improve their lives. This is perhaps a rather heavy handed allusion to the follies of capitalism and inequality. The zombies are also shown to be evolving: from mindless instinct in the first movie, now they (and one in particular) is capable of rallying, outsmarting the people, and then seemingly going their own separate ways at the end. The whole thing is dragged down, however, by John Leguizamo, who is terrible, even by zombie movie standards, while Dennis Hopper adds a surprising amount of charisma to his evil plutocrat. The rest of the human characters are largely one dimensional, which is surprising. 
 

I have this to thank for me 'Hot zombie movie survivor' fetish  [source]

Overall Zombie Rating: interesting, and certainly not terrible, although the Samoan guy is obviously a Mexican.

In conclusion, these are largely well scripted, well plotted, with realistic behaviours in a hopefully unrealistic situation. There is gore and violence, but also a close look at the inherent nature of humans, and some other aspects of contemporary life. If anyone snobbishly dismisses Romero's zombie movies as puerile nonsense, bite them in the throat.