B.T., Absolute piece of shit.

I had an important Skype meeting today, with someone in another timezone. Rather than stay in the office, I decided to go home to do it. It was important, so I prepared, made myself comfortabe, and waited for their call (the interview was at about 1am). Needless to say, the internet connection cut out. It turned out it wasn't from the side of the conversation which is in the third world (I guess China is still largely 'developing'). Rather, the internet problems stem from the supposedly high-end connection from one of the largest cities in the United Kingdom. B.T. is my Service Provider and todays whining is about that shitty company. The service is slow, the charges are exorbitant, and the internet is getting much slower.

Slower, I think, that's annoying, I wonder what is making the internet slower? Then I reaslied that B.T. are paying £750 million on a revamp for TV rights. The end result is, they spend nearly a billion pounds, we get sports channels. The result, they are paying to air some soccer matches instead of revamping the internet speed. At some stage, some high up has asked  'What's more important, the fact that South Korea's average internet speed is 40 times faster than it's British counterpart, or a few soccer games?' and answered that soccer is more important in a modern, supposedly first world country. I've complained about soccer a few times, but that's not the worst bit: it's the fact that it's just been forced on us. I resent that.

I resent the fact that my service, already shoddy, is going to get worse. I resent the fact that half of the bill goes to 'line rental,' whatever that means. I resent the fact that when my BT internet hub broke (due to their manufacturing error) it took three weeks, and at least a dozen phone calls to fix it. I resent the fact that to leave the contract I'm on I will need to pay out the colon. I hate the fact that they are giving us no option to opt out of this sports shit, and we are being charged anyway. Most of all though, I hate the ads.

I know I've talked about the B.T. Ads before, but I am vehement in my hatred of them. I only saw the end of the one with an irritating family (brought together through BT phones and internet), and they were bad enough. The current ads, however, with three students in a flat, cracking-wise, is enough to make me pray for a meteor strike to put us all out of our misery. While these three shit-eating, show-off, assholes laugh around with speedy downloads, I'm sat watiing for pictures to load to put up on this very page (no shit, I had some ready, but it's taking forever).

Fuck B.T., and fuck everyone involved in this BT Sports shamble. Fuck anyone who hoists soccer on me and charges me for it.

OK, that's cathartic, hope everyone who isn't involved with BT is going great guns.

P.s. I've got some good posts coming up soon!

The Moron's Forum, Muted.

I've downloaded an app which actually does something useful. Whatever website you are on, it will automatically stop you from seeing the comments underneath websites. This user-generated hate-forum is  where the most bitter, least important arguments of all time are raging. The very fact that I can't see them isn't perfect - I still remember that they're ongoing - but it's as close to perfect as possible. I dislike these comments at the best of times, not only because I find minutes whiling away while I read in astonishment at some of the variously rabid, naive, or ill-informed things said there. I dislike the bickering and name-calling through the cloak of anonymity (I admit this is done through a pseudonym, but any opinion I've ever expressed here I would be happy to express to your stupid face...). I have noticed that even on the more upmarket websites which offer them, really the views expressed are the same, they just have better spelling. Compare, for example, the often-genocidally racist, always ill-informed and illiterate comments on any youtube video, to the comments offered on, say, The Guardian.

 The Guardian is a seemingly liberal newspaper, the pages of which are littered with arguments between disappointed Liberals and obviously Trolling conservatives. None of the people involved seems to notice that not a single person has ever changed their mind on any issue ever through one of these comments. And if that's not the definition of a shit debate, I don't know what is. Even this state of affairs would be tolerable, but things have taken a turn for the worse. Previously, it was possible to sift through the information to gain extra hints (for example, it was through one of these comments that I discovered the excellent show 'Enlightened') or perhaps form an opinion on how people think about an issue. It wasn't worth the time, and that is particularly true now that the Guardian has branched out to further include Americans, who, almost without exception, have noticeably lowered the quality of the discourse, and it wasn't great to start with.

The app, which I will name soon, is a great one, which takes away the guilty pleasure of reading online arguments and allows you to make your own decision. (N.B. As writing this, it crashed, so if any app makers are at a loss of how to spend the next few hours, there's your idea: a name could be 'Troll Bridge' or something)

Anyway, that's all you're getting today.
P

Facebook Cull: Examined.

I have good friends all over the world, and I know a lot of people in this country. Being a child of this age, despite myself, I realised that I had accumulated a lot of Facebook friends, most of whom I am not in touch with. I decided a cull would be good: a lot of distant family friends, old schoolmates, and various other hangers-on were removed. On top of the more obvious criteria (not talking in years, not liking the person, no idea who person was, etc) The criteria included:

• If you were regularly posting holiday pictures / nightclub photos where I would genuinely rather drink diarrhoea than have been there with them - you're gone. 

• If you are in hundreds of photos of you kissing your partner - you're gone. This also applies to 'love/hate' constantly breaking up couples. That's not even funny anymore.

• If you have a child, and then say something like 'I hate to be one of those parents, but this is so cute!' as they show you a picture of a cross-eyed Mel Smith lookalike glaring towards the camera. I don't mind baby photos (although it does get you a limited friendship), but acknowledging that you are aware of how boring a baby is to anyone but its family, yet still proceding to post about it, that's too much. You're outta here.

Also included is consistent illiterate grammar, (y'ur instead of your and the loose/lose confusion have lost me some good friends) and stupid political posts. I understand peoples political beliefs are important, but a constant, ignorant reposting of something political is worse than apathy in my book. This following post, which escaped the 'Celebrate Thatcher' cull recently, combines poor grammar with inane politics. This distant family friend's post, in regards to Thatcher's death, was one of many which would have got her the friend flick. I quote the post here verbatim:

I wonder how many of the people complaining about Maggie what she did and didn't do actual vote to have there say some liked her some didn't nothing changes same today with the government we have now and yes a lot of people moaning were not even older enough to vote lets worry about the present and let the family grieve in peace think on if it was your mother have some respect the country is in a mess now yes because of bad decisions made on all party's involved my opinion is none of them r any cop maybe its about time we had a people government with real people who live on low wages and understand the real value of having a good standard of live and be allowed to work for a living too many people allowed into the country not enough jobs and also not forgetting that some people will not take jobs because they become worse off then being on benefits, stop people coming into this country who then go straight on our benefit system that we have paid into from working, take a hint from new Zealand or Australia it works for them, internet is destroying the high street and we are all to blame for helping that along before long England will sink and I don't think it is far off x

This is all one sentence. This was signed with a kiss. This had 47 likes. This is no longer a Facebook friend. Needless to say also, anyone playing constant games or listening to spotify so that you have to hear about it on your news feed, are largely gone. 

After all that I'm stuck with only one friend. Me. Not really, but it's good to get rid of some idiots.

Hope you're all fuckin' grand.

Royal Baby, Delivered to Nationwide Hysteria

Look, I hate to complain unnecessarily. Generally, the birth of a new human, is a great thing (actually, with the population over 7 billion, that's not so true anymore), and the birth of this little spud seems to have made a lot of people very happy, that's fair enough. I don't mind it happening, just so long as it's avoidable. At present, it isn't.
The BBC has taken the hysteria of the tax-paid absurdities of the Royal Wedding and the Coronation Anniversary and seemingly doubled it. Yesterday's entire news was over half devoted to it, showing a sycophancy and forelock tugging I would have thought became extinct sometime around the early 20th century. A friend commented that the shoddy production values, lack of analysis and worship (I use that word in its correct sense) of this baby wouldn't have been out of place in North Korea. Huw Edwards smilingly acknowledged that this was 'not real news.' He's right. Even if you are an adamant fan of the royal family, you would have to admit that the birth drove bigger, more important stories from the front pages. The BBC News channel is worse, showing constant trivial chatter, giving airtime instead of a guillotine to an endless parade of self-proclaimed sycophantic experts. This is all combined with a complete lack of interpretation or acknowledgement of other views.

The BBC has a remit to all of us to give impartial, serious, unbiased analysis. It has failed to do so so far. There have been no interviews with the opposing views by Republican groups. None either with groups that claim that a true democracy is one where any person can become anything they want, or that the royal family are an archaic, feudal institution who take vast amounts of tax payers money. No opposing views at all, just worship of a child who happens to have been born to his particular parents. It makes a mockery of journalistic integrity, of democracy, and of the notion of equality making bloodlines unimportant. To top it all off, it is presented in the most fawning, saccharine and shameless way imaginable. I almost feel sorry for the little guy, because if it keeps up like this, his every waking moment will be met by cameras and braying morons in union jack hats. I say almost, until I remember the anachronistic, yet absurd, privilege he and his siblings will enjoy.  

No matter how you feel, you can't help but acknowledge that a mass hysteria has taken over: I didn't expect the BBC to underplay its hand here, but it has gone too far.
I for one am not happy, and I want that to be reflected here.
 
Yours, Pascal.

Sports and Homosexuality, How to live your life.

Yes, British and Irish Lions won the series. On balance, the players deserved it, although the third match could have easily been a dead rubber. I'm, also up on that idea in that the loss got rid of Robbie Deans, and also kept the worst 20,000 or so people out of the U.K. for a few months. (I'm back in the U.K. incidentally). So that's fine. Also, today, England (with some South African allies) beat Australia in a tight, entertaining test match. That's good too. What I'm less impressed with is the attitude of people I meet. Yes, I do sound Australian. Yes, I did personally lose the particular match for my country. Fair enough. There's being gracious in victory and there's being churlish, and a lot of people I meet these days stray firmly into churlish territory. A lot of people, particularly English people, don't make it easy to like them, and as I'm in Scotland again, that's not a good sign for this ridiculous independence campaign.

I've found that the best way to counter it is not to joke, or get angry, but to act completely uninterested, which - luckily- I usually am. It's also a good way to counter lesbians. I've talked before (find link) about how I know a few gay men who don't mention their homosexuality at all, for them it's a private part of their lives, and that's cool. Over the last few years, however, I've met a lot of girls and the only thing they talk about is their sexuality. I think it's genuinely down to attention seeking, or possibly insecurity. I used to say things like "I'm from Sydney, you'd need to be a lot prettier or a lot uglier to even catch my eye as a lesbian," but now I just act the same, uninterested way, conversations, for example, going, "Hi I'm Pascal" "I'm lesbian" "yeah, what's your job?" It works a treat on people, I guess, seeking a shock value or congratulations on how they live their lives. It's a great way to disappoint someone and move a conversation on.

In conclusion, living in Britain is making me uninterested in the human condition.

Hope you're all enjoying this lovely weather.

Things Which Are Annoying (AKA Stop Pronouncing Words Like a Cunt)

I met someone today called Tuppence. That's right, Tuppence. This might be a good name, for say, a Dickensian love interest, or a Hobbit, but for a human being in the 21st century it did nothing but remind me of Britain's still rigid class system. It also didn't help that she was a complete asshole. Someone told me also that there is a reasonably famous actress called 'Tuppence Middleton,' That's not cool. 

Neither are people who say 'cringe'  - it's a stupid word said by stupid people.

Let's not forget adults who describe food as 'yuckie.' Grow the fuck up.

While I'm on the topic, I'm getting pretty sick of the way that some people pronounce words in this country. A friend makes fun of the way that I say 'Cancer,' and I hate the way that some people pronounce:

'Cous cous' as KOOZ KOOZ

Sushi as SOOSHI

Dance as DAHNS

Tonga as TONG-GAH, even if a genuine Tongan person is there telling them how to pronounce it properly.

Horrible as 'ORRIBLE

Buffet as BUFF-FAY, because that's EXACTLY how French people say it.

All of these are excusable except the kind of assholes who say them are usually posh pricks on a train who speak far too loudly when you're too hungover to function anyway. Don't be a prick, and if you are, pronounce words properly. Fuck you.

Also troubling is the continued use of MA-REE-YO, instead of Mario, in Super Mario ads. He's italian for fucks sake. Stop saying it like that. 

Other than that, hope everyone is fine.

3 Great Ways To Dismiss People In An Argument

You're in an argument, but it's not going well. Or, you're in an argument and it IS going well. These three techniques will help you turn the tide in your favour:

1. 'Yeah, yeah' - your enemy makes a point, and you dismiss it with a 'yeah yeah' and change the topic. It shows you don't care, and that's enough.

2. 'Get Fucked' - best with an accompanying heavy sigh, as in 'pff, get fucked' before you move onto new topics. the thing to remember with arguments is that no one has ever changed their mind as the result of one. This accepts that, and insults the cretin you're against. Everyone wins.

3. 'Ah, Blow It Out your Ass [Name of person arguing with you]' - A very underused but extremely important dismissal of someone. It's brutal, graphic, honest, disgusting, and rare enough to still have a shock value. A true winner.

There you go, you'll be unbeatable in arguing now. Hope everyone is fine.

4 New National holidays that need to happen

I've written that I think that Valentine's day has been taken over by couples trying to outdo each other into showing each other love. Father's day is coming up, and is, along with Mother's day, just a cheap and thoughtless excuse to buy gifts to assauge your guilt at ignoring your parents for the rest of the year. Here are some other, more thoughtful days I think should be mandatory. For the record, I don't mind the notion of a Thanksgiving - aside from the whole political and historical aspects of it - it seems to be used to get together and eat (always a winner) but it also stop Christmas being advertised too early in the US. Here are the other ones I agree with:

1. Be A Dick Day

Most people are dicks. This would give the people who aren't dicks a chance to get it out of their system. Tired of moving onto the road for a fat businessman in a suit who tuts you as you pass? Why not put your shoulder down and see him fly? Tired of being the crying shoulder of idiot girls at work? Tell them that they are unloved because they are unloveable. Tell them that they only think all men are pigs because they only go out with one group of asshole friends. Take advantage of someone, go out of your way to start a fight, laugh at people less fortunate than you. t's back to normal tomorrow. As long as no laws are broken, I think it'll be a real stress reliever. However, few people will actually admit to being dicks, and so everyone would just be more of a dick than usual.

2. Get In Touch With An Old Friend Day

Think to yourself about a mate you've left along the way, and get in touch with them. Let them know you miss them. This is potentially soppy, but pretty easy to do.

3. Contact A Crush Day

Replacing Valentine's day. Put yourself out there, let someone you like know that. They can reciprocate, or reject, but there's no stigma attached to either answer on Contact A Crush Day. It either works or it doesn't and the day after you move on. There need to be more days for single people to get together, and this one would be great if it left out people in relationships. 

4. Reinforce An Enmity Day

Remember an enemy you've made, possibly one you've almost forgotten about. Let them know that you haven't forgiven them, only forgotten. This day reminds ourselves why we are right and the other person is wrong. I don't agree, necessarilly, with the concept of 'forgiveness,' and a day like this would be helpful in maintaining an enemy. Think to yourself what this person did to you, remind yourself why you either hate them or no longer talk to them, and let them know that you hate them. That's the important thing, it can't be silent. This is tied in to Effigy Day, a day when you make an effigy of an ex and burn it in a ceremony.

That's a start, what do you think? Remember, you set your own 'Be A Dick Day', so go nuts.

FemFresh: An ArGument

Hello all!

I mentioned my disdain for this Femfresh over a year ago and largely put it out of mind until recently, when I heard a radio ad. Femfresh is a vaginal hygeine product. Its existence, and the advertising campaign which surrounds it, is, to my mind, the perfect example of everything that is wrong with the Western world today.

The advert a year ago was a very negative ad which was obviously hinting that women couldn't function unless they had cleaned their vaginas, and that a dirty vagina was repellent and unwomanly, as well as a barrier to catching the man of their dreams. Yes. The current advertisement, which can be seen here, is terrible, listing a bunch of infantile names for a vagina such as "va jay jay, kitty, nooni, la la, froo froo!" The picture, of a smiling, recently douched woman, says "yoo hoo for my froo froo." The logo for Femfresh as a, um, whole is 'expert care for down there.' This is the first part of my problem. Froo froo isn't a word that an adult should be using. A human being shouldn't trust a company that sells genital-related products and refers to the genitals as "down there." It presumably aims for a light-hearted, empowering approach, but I can't help but feel that there are better ways to go about it than referring to your a vagina as a 'nooni'. This is a product aimed at adults, and being direct about what they are peddling is important, as is the fact that an adult should be able to refer to their genitals without ridiculous innuendo.

Secondly, I have a huge problem with the prodcut itself, it refers to itself as 'PH balanced' - but what is it PH balanced against? I am almost certain that it isn't good for the vagina, or it wouldn't need to be advertised. When was the last time you saw regular soap, toothpaste or clothing advertised? Very rarely, because we all need them. We don't need vaginal wash, which is why it's advertised.  The fact that it's advertised in such a hideous way only exacerbates my point.

This brings me to my third point. The vagina is a beautiful thing, developed over millions of years of evolution to be alluring and fragrant. Thanks to gravity, it's also largely self-cleaning. It doesn't need extra chemicals on it, as it doesn't smell as long as basic hygene levels are adhered to. Any genuine smell may be a sympton of a medical condition, which FemFresh would almost certainly worsen. However, the product, and the ad campaign, makes it seem that it is necessary to add this prodcut to your vagina to enjoy your life. Why are we worrying the womenfolk with this? Because someone can make money out of it.

In conclusion, advertising men (and it's almost certainly men) have come up with a prodcut which isn't needed, which prays on deep-set vulnerablities and insecurities, while at the same time referring to vaginas using terms a toddler would find stupid. That's not merely unpleasant and sexist (at least it will remain sexist until I see 'Smegma-way' for men), it's disgusting. Stop buying this shit.

Jeff Hanneman, Dead.

Jeff Haneman, the guitarist of Slayer, recently died. He died of some long term problems, most of which are resultant from alcoholism and being bitten and getting nerosis from a spider, which is pretty much as heavy metal as deaths go. He was, along with Lombardo the (on-again, off-again) drummer, the most talented, least publicity seeking of the group. If you need proof, look at the ridiculous, less talented Kerry King sometime. While the others dressed like some stereotypical leather gimps, he tended to just wear comfortable clothes and shred the shit out of any song he played. He was proof that metal is more of an attitude than an aesthetic thing.

The news didn't affect me as it might have, when I was about 16 or 17, and Slayer were favourites, much to the chagrin of my Skinny Puppy fan then girlfriend. I still think that Reign in Blood is an excellent album, but I've gone off Slayer for a number of reasons: i) Diabolus in Musicaa a nu-metal tinged abomination, which came out at just the wrong time for me ii) in interviews, particularly Araya talking endlessly about his kids and voting Republican, in a weird, high-pitched voice iii) Kerry King's 'God Bless you' made quite genuinely at the end of a concert where they'd just sung about how useless the Church was, and  iv) discovering that at least two of them are practicing Catholics, which suggests that albums like 'God Hates Us All' are nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt. Anyway, I appreciate their talent, but don't listen to them anymore, that's not the point though... 

When the news of his death broke, it made it to various online posts, including the BBC, the Guardian, and a host of others. Underneath the news, 'where the internet happens' (Trademark) various people posted, expressing sadness, dismay, or merely promising to rock out Slayer-style in Hanneman's honour. Fair enough. Others however, were more puzzling: particularly the type of person who posts nothing more than 'RIP Jeff.' Nothing more. Pages and pages of this, which is a bizarre impulse. I don't know why, it's not like he's going to see it (although some of the band believe that he will). I don't really know what my point is, but I suppose I've never noticed people saying 'RIP [insert name]' on message boards before, and I couldn't really imagine anyone else who it be less apt to write it for anyway. RIP Jeff.

Soccer: A boring nuke to better Australian sports.

Hello all, just a quick one today, you lucky things. Soccer. I've mentioned it before. It's one of the worst things, other than the weather, about living in the United Kingdom. It's all everyone talks about, and it's incredibly boring. It's also made a number of people with no talents other than the ability to  chase a ball around richer than anyone should be. Wayne Rooney is on £250,000 a week, every week, and he'd be in jail if he wasn't a soccer player. Instead he's a role model of sorts. This isn't right. My main problem now is that whoever is in charge of making soccer ubiquitous is seemingly doing the right thing. this is especially true of Australia. The national team is famous, and the domestic league is thriving, there's talk of expansion. It's also commonly said (though I couldn't find a source to verify it) that soccer is the most commonly played team sport in Australia. this isn't good, for any number of reasons. first of all, soccer is, as has been said before, largely boring. For every 4-4 thriller there are several thousand 0-0 draws. For that reason it's not fun to play or to watch. Secondly, it's a game for wusses: the game stops for injuries, or even feigned injuries, and the incentive to lie on the ground, pretending to be injured is high. It's not manly, or womanly, to lie on the ground asking for a penalty, badgering the referee. It's awful.

Secondly, the chances of success are low. Australia's chances of winning the world cup are practically zero, because it is so many countries favourite sport, and other countries have a better system to develop talent. this leads on to the other point, that talented youngsters will be diverted into soccer rather than the two rugby codes, basketball, swimming or AFL. Australia doesn't have the population to support that, and other sports will suffer as a result. One could argue that this has already happened, with Australia's poor showing in the 2012 Olympics being evident. Michael Clark, Australia's cricket captain, was touted as a soccer player first, before turning to cricket. Would he be playing cricket if he was born a decade later? Is an internationally average Socceroo team worth diluting the talent for the kangaroos, wallabies, boomers, opals or Olympic team? Absolutely not.

Worst of all though, is the increasing gap between the player and the fans that the huge amounts of money makes. Any sport which makes people like Harry Kewell, who despite achieving nothing as players in terms of trophies, can retire with more money than they know what to do with. If you think Kurtley Beale is bad now, as a relatively wealthy man, think how bad he would be retired from everything at 28, with more money than he could possibly spend.

I hope, against all hope, that soccer will price itself out of interest in the next few years.

Pascal. 

Generic thatcher Post

Yes thatcher's finally emited her last ear-piercing scream and dissolved into dust, we know. I write this not as a eulogy or chance to slag her off. I'm not a fan of her politics, her party, or of her in general. Now that she's dead,  I hate the fact that a bunch of crusty old should-be anachronistic racist homophobes, who should be hated, are now dragged onto the tv to gush about her as best they can. I also thought it was disgraceful that in the last few years of her life, the Conservative party saw fit to wheel Thatcher out to events despite being the human equivalent of silly putty. On the whole though, despite not being around then, I can't sympathise with someone who has had lasting negative effects on Britain. As far as I'm concerned, she can rot. Instead, the larger part of my piece will go to the 'facebook' tributes, which I had  the good fortune to view today, and all of which were helpfully bundled together by an unwanted Facebook feature.

First up, people commented through jokes, relief, or through comments in favour of her*. These were then followed by self-righteous comments about people making light of the situation 'there is a family in mourning,' that kind of thing. What followed then was smug comments such as, and I quote "Don't really get all the posts deploring Thatcher by people who weren't even born when she was in office - "I don't follow politics but I know a bandwagon when I see one" - as though one has to have been there to judge; as though political interest depends on your chronology. A few people have put this link up from wannabe Onion website the Daily Mash. It's not satire if there isn't truth to it; it's not satire if it's only to assage a Young Conservatives mind. This self-righteous moralising is worse than people who out and out respect a woman who disenfranchised a generation, advanced the breakup of  Britain as an industrial nation, and followed a 'greed is good' mantra which still has an enormous knock-on effect today. saying that people don't understand because they weren't around is untrue, an insult, and is mostly spread by people who continuously mention Churchill in conversation. Fuck 'em, and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for how you want to feel.  

In conclusion. People are the worst, and Thatcher was a shitty person. 

No comment [source]

With good friend Pinochet  [source]

OK, that's enough of that, I've got some funny stuff coming up, luckily if there aren't pictures, I don't have to worry about readers, so up yours.

Have a great one everyone

Pascal 

*now ex-friends, I'd had this day set aside as a 'friend pruning opportunity' for a long time, in fact when I last saw Thatcher on the news looking like she'd lost all her bones three or four years ago.  

George Osbourne: A Turd Of A Man.

Just a brief rant today, after reading that George Osbourne has questioned the benefits 'lifestyle' of the guy Mick Philpott, which can be read here. It's a bizarre story, and a tragic one: Philpotts, by all accounts a complete asshole, had 17 kids by two abused and terrified women. He has just been sentence after he killed 6 of his children in a fire in protest to the mother of the other 11 leaving. Of course, they were all on benefits to the tune of, I think £60,000 a year. It's an unusual case, and almost definitely not the norm. He is an exception to the rule of the benefits system helping people who need it, the normal family on benefits doesn't go on trashy TV shows like Jeremy Kyle, as the Philpotts brood did.

 Either way, Philpotts has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for killing his kids, which works out at 2.5 years a child, itself a disgrace, but that's not the point here. Gideon, 'George' Osbourne has weighed into the piece, despite his insistence that he wouldn't name individuals, and says that the benefits lifestyle should be questioned. He is using the deaths of six innocent children as an excuse to reiterate his continued attack on the defenceless. He is doing this on the same day that the source of Trillions of untaxed pounds in British companies are exposed (read about this here). Call it a hunch, but he will do nothing to gain this taxable income back and continue create to dismantle the welfare state, creating a new untermesch in Britain. He is a despicable, clueless little man, whose life of unbridled privilege will never let him see the effects his decisions have made: the lives he has ruined, or the thousands of children he has needlessly put into poverty. He is, in other words, the perfect example of what a politician should not be. Instead he is the chancellor of the Exchequeur. He is, and I don't use this term lightly, an evil cunt.

Two Great Websites, And One Awful One.

Hello all, today's topics, some websites.

I hate, the comments underneath web pages, particularly for news articles('A plane crash? Love it!') Not only because hehy are the comments either trite, inane, or resort into mindless namecalling. It is almost guaranteed that before five posts are done it will have resorted to a political, social or religious debate in which no one changes their mind but still hate each other at the end. Also, it tends to confuse they're, there and their almost universally, which is annoying, but I am aware that's a risky one for someone who long ago stopped proof-reading these posts. However, my two favourite places to go to watch people fight over the most inane things are:

1. celebheights.com - which speculates on celebrity heights.
The best thing about it though, is the trenchant warfare over the half inches. One I read, was 'you idiot, he's CLEARLY 6'1 1/2, not 6'1 - you idiot!' or something like that. Who really cares about how tall The Rock is enough to post a sign on it anyway? For that reason, it's a joy.

2. songmeanings.com - which allows people to wonder what song lyrics mean.
this is largely because I feel that what other people think a song means is irrelevant, it's what you make of it  yourslf that should be important. This gains a good website approval not only for the intractable hatreds unleashed in the comments section (someone called it 'the bottom half of the internet') but for the fact that it is pretty useful for collecting lyrics.

My least favourite website for the time being, and for the forseeable future, is thechive.com, a creepy website consisting of 'various galleries of either:

a) 'weird stuff'
b) 'pictures of animals'
c) 'facts' particularly about chuck norris
d) 'chicks in various state of undress' (often proclaiming to be girlfriends of users)
e) people smugly telling you to chive on
f) showing sympathy for people who write in who have bizarre illnesses.

This last one is the most sinister, I know that if I had cancer I'd want a bunch of frat-boys showing me sympathy. I'm not against girls sending in pictures of their asses and whatnot, and it's certianly not the only site that does that, but taken together it's utterly bizarre - can you imagine wondering around with a notebook which contained animal pictures, sexy lady pictures, stupid quotes and cancer pictures? It'd be enough to get you arrested. 

No, what really annoys me about the Chive is the smug self-satisfaction of its users, or chivers. Wearing stupid shirts (they're everywhere in London). The fact that they spend half the time congratulating themselves for their benevolence is offputting to say the least. Fuck 'em, and if another stranger tells me to KCCO, I will probably throttle them to death.

Hope everyone's crackin'

What's it to Yewtree? Time to Speculate Wildly

I was out out of the UK when the whole Jimmy Saville thing went global. I was also lucky enough to never have seen Saville on TV during his life (though I had heard about him, and heard impressions). I don't think anyone was surprised by anything but the scale of his sexual escapades. He was after all, blessed by the pope, and good friends with Margaret Thatcher. Now, someone - almost definitely Rolf Harris - has been arrested under Operation Yewtree, along with others. It's not over yet though, so here are some that I wouldn't be surprised - at all - if they were arrested. Putting on my lawyers hat, this is nothing more than a hunch, and is based only on wild, idle speculation.

Terry Wogan

Certainly bulging with home-spun charm [source]

There's a lot I don't like about Wogan. The fact that he goes in and out of sentences like someone talking on a merry-go-round; his chummy sense of entitlement and cosiness with the bland establishment. The utter dreariness of his voice, and his enormous fortune. Let's just say that I would be surprised if he was arrested, but I wouldn't be unhappy (except for the victims).
Verdict: Dull and irritating, but probably not a sex criminal. 

Gary Lineker

Potato-peddling orange charisma vaccuum Gary Linker [source]

I don't like soccer (I might have mentioned this before), and I think he's creepy. The words 'smug tosser' may as well be crimped onto his forehead like poorly made potato chips. He went down in my estimation when he dumped his wife and married a scrawny, neotonous creature twenty years his junior.
Verdict: Perhaps not a paedophile, but infinitely creepy.

Bruce Forsyth

Say "So much better than last week," repeat for 153 years. [source]

 Speaking of creepy, this shrivelled-up old prick is still on tv, dancing around like an Alzheimer's sufferer. He is of the right vintage and creepiness to be a child-molester. I didn't think it was possible, but when they're on TV together, he makes Tess Daley look like a human being instead of the dead-eyed sub-moron that she is.
Verdict: In the cold light of day, he would have been the first arrested under Yewtree if they had the slightest bit of evidence about him. He does seem like a cock though.

Noel Edmunds   

Edmunds holds up his favourite silver anal beads to the camera. [source]

An awful person, the fact that he's made a living in broadcasting, not once, but TWICE is testament to the folly of mankind. Not only does he host the worlds worst gameshow, but he was given that show where he got to spout his idiotic views to a nation of idiots: Noels HQ. I never saw him with Mr. Blobby on TV, as Australia has its own creepy kids presenters.
Verdict: Almost definitely a sex pest. Certainly believes in earth spirits, whatever the hell they are.

Looking around, his arrest has already happened.

click for source

Paul Merton

Add caption [source]

There's something about British people that blinds them to Paul Merton. Now on season 653 of a largely chummy, supposedly hard-hitting topical panel-show, Paul Merton is deferred to as 'so quick' and 'britain's greatest wit' - failing to notice that saying something - Anything! - before anyone else isn't witty if what he is saying isn't funny or relevant. It's just stupid. He also seems like a tosser of some regard, particularly on housewives favourite, Just a Minute. This ear sandpaper, is hosted by Nicholas Parsons, who would be on this list if I had the moral strength to look up pictures of him. Back to Meton, he, like Forsyth, left a marriage without telling the partner, which isn't a cool thing to do, and may or may not be cause for concern about their sexual pestivitiy.
 Verdict: Not as funny as he thinks he is. Probably a creeper, but probably not a paedophile.

Vanessa Feltz

"Kermie!"... Oh, wrong picture. [source]

For the sake of equality, I'll add a woman. For no real reason I'll add Vanessa Feltz, the terribly earnest, terribly boring woman who has somehow been given new broadcasting contracts despite an absence of talent, musical taste, or any redeeming qualities. She is possibly the biggest exponant of 'emphasising the word she is saying by using three similar words, terms, expressions. (the preceding was an example, but it's something I notice every time she opens her mouth for a self-important rant.)
Verdict: Despite there being no proof, or evidence, she killed twenty people one day.

In conclusion,
I hope that this passes the legal tests, I'm not saying that these guys are paedophiles or sex offenders, I'm just saying that I won't be surprised if / when they do get arrested.

P.S. I forgot Clarkson too.

Found: The Least Original Posh Person Ever

Hello, this may seem a little mean, but I've run it by a couple of easily offended acquaintances, and they say it's ok. I was browsing Facebook and noticed a facebook friend was going by train from Edinburgh to London. What's the big deal there? I hear you ask, and I'd agree with you up to this point, but let me finish. He's ok, but a bit of a posh dick: he's loud, he wears red pants in public, is a huge monarchic advocate and votes Conservative. He's 22, you know the type. I was thinking how glad I was that I wasn't in a carriage with him, before someone typed onto his status that they were on the same train (amazing!) and had wine and giggles in coach C (Hooray!). This friend, with wine in him, is unpleasantly noisy, and I can only imagine how much worse it is if he gets the encouragement from a bunch of posh girls. A closer inspection of one of the girls shows that she is the least original person ever. The following are her publicly available cover photos. I've blacked out all faces taken from them, but they are so unoriginal, chances are that she won't even recognise them herself. So, here is every posh girl's facebook cover shots ever:

Says: Went to Durham/Leeds/Newcastle/Bristol Uni, now working in HR in London.

Just me by a beach, hand melded to hip.

A lovely stroll with Henry, who is fourth in line to a throne which no longer exists

Out with the gals! (Marlborough Girls School Unofficial Reunion - Whoo!)

Time for Jumpies on the Beachie! (Seriously, what is it with posh people jumping on the beach?)

Posh girl in skiing pose shocker.

 The only surprise I have is that she doesn't have one of her atop Kilimanjaro with her shit-eating sixth form mates, but maybe that's a profile picture. Anyway, sorry about this, she's probably not a terrible person, just a little unimaginative: from her pictures here, and one comment left on a distant friends facebook status, I know how she sounds, her hobbies, and how much I don't really want to meet her, and that's really what Facebook stalking is all about.

Yours, as ever, in haste, Pascal.

Thoughts On School, Nearly a Decade After Leaving

I left school ages ago, and had the good luck / bad luck of going to a lot of them in my time (we moved around a lot; I got a scholarship to another, you know the drill). The result is, I've kept in touch, or at least acquaintance with a lot of people from a lot of schools. The following are generalisations which I have picked up. All can be rebutted, but I am surprised by how well kept to they are. Incidentally, this arose from meeting with an old friend by chance, and a discussion and coffee arising from it.

1. The sluttier the girl was in school, the more likely she gets married at 22.

2. The sluttier the guy was, the more likely he's got several kids to tonnes of different idiot women, and is bald and unmarried.

3. Girls who experimented with lesbianism tend to be straight now, while gay guys seem to largely have kept to it. The lesson here seems to be that lesbianism is passing, gays aren't.

4. Rockers and stoners either get heavily into drugs and become fat wasters with kids and a fat goth spouse, or become complete corporate drones. This late on from leaving school, they rarely stay cool.

5. Guys who were really popular for being good at sports guys are now more likely to be fat, or have unimaginative lives (for most, I mean a boring corporate job in London which they secretly hate). They are also most likely to be still hanging out with their friends from school. A group of people I went to school with are still living together, 6 in a house, in London somewhere. I can't imagine how boring their lives must be.

6. Assholes remain assholes. This is of course, rebuttable, but largely is true.

7. The most successful people were identified, or not... I went to school with an All Black, a famous yachtswoman, and a famous shitty author. All of these people were identified as 'something special' at the time. The 'nerds' tend to be a little more successful now, but that's largely due to intelligence and devotion.

8. People who stand to inherit anything are the biggest assholes of them all. I am looking at a colossal tosser I went to school with who will inherit his dad's farm, land and properties, before bringing another generation of assholes in to replace the whole thing. He's not changed a bit, and I'm glad someone beat the shit out of him while we were still at school. The same thing applies, although to a lesser extent, to others.

 9. Prettiness or good-lookingness is subjective, but people have the face they deserve by the time you reach, say, 30. I was always amazed at various schools how who was 'attractive' changed every couple of days, and followed a genuine herd mentality. Luckily for me, I know what I like, and I knew how to get it. Or something. To a surprising extent, this applies in adult life too.

10. Couples who got together in school, stayed together through university and are still together now have only a couple of options. They are either cheating on each other secretly, or are stuffed up to the brim with kids and mortgage. I lost a good friend to this.

11. You're not set by who you are when you leave school, you can change your views, perceptions, looks, attitude and being. However, chances are, if you were an asshole at 18, you're still one now.

The important lesson from this, school is largely irrelevant; if you want to learn, you learn on your own. Also, while people change, there's not much incentive to if you don't broaden your horizons.

Hope everyone is rockin'
P

Things which are annoying me

Celebrity news isn't news. I always think that it should be there for people who want it, but you should be able to ignore it. I've always found that with something trivial, if you ignore it, it goes away. Why then does irksome tot Justin Bieber make worldwide news for tuning up late to a concert hall filled with idiots and their kids? Why has the BBC started mentioning Kardashians in the news round up? Who cares that Dennis Rodman went to North Korea? Wouldn't that news time be better spent discussing animal poaching, or the ongoing global financial crisis? It's not news. All of these things were mentioned in the same week, on major news shows. Really weak.

Similarly, whoever they elect as pope will encourage homophobia, primitivism and try to make people forget about the horrendous crimes against the vulnerable by the substantial minority of the church. Stop giving a ridiculous backwards election so much news attention. While the world was frothing over the pointless election, news of a $10m cover up of child sex abuse was swept to the back pages. Also, the new guy is 76, he's not a long-term replacement, is he?

Also, don't even get me started on those freakin' B.T. ads which just make me want to commit war crimes. It's not been a good week.

Yours in haste, Pascal.

Jimmy Carr: Tosser

Hello all and happy March. Today, three - just 3 - reasons why I don't like Jimmy Carr. I think they all stand up to scrutiny. I've avoided the fourth, that he's not as funny as he thinks he is, out of respect for myself.

1. The Laugh. 

You know the laugh, it's incredibly annoying.

It's almost definitely an affectation too. Anyone who 'decides' to laugh like that should be neutered by grim faced enforcers with rusty and blunt scissors. Just watching that 26s video made my brain boil.

2. The Apologies 

If you're a comedian, you're probably going to push the envelope and shock people. This means that at times, people get will offended. That's part of what you do, and part of what makes the audience feel important. His joke about amputees made the British tabloids have that particular week's outrage. You can read about it here. He then went and made a pitiful apology, dropping the joke from his act. If you are a comedian, don't apologise for anything, especially when your joke was inane and possibly even true.

3. The Tax Evasion Wuss-dom.

Defying rational thought, Jimmy Carr earns a lot of money, and he earned controversy for using technically legal loopholes to prevent paying tax. I think that this is excusable, if it's legal. I'd certainly consider it I wasn't so penniless. However, attention was drawn to it, which lead to all kinds of cretins wading in to voice their opinion. Chief amongst whom was David Cameron, who is, to put it lightly, an over entitled shit of a man, who should be as far from politics as he is from having a full head of hair. He waded in and said that, amongst other things, Jimmy Carr (in particular) was morally wrong for using this schemes. He said this instead of, I dunno, closing the loopholes through legal measures or acts of parliament.* However, instead of telling Cameron to search for his lost monocle, Carr made a snivelling, fawning apology, including a wussy twitter apology. If the comedian had any balls at all, he would have said, "It may be morally wrong, but it's up to you to close those loopholes. It's not illegal, and if it should be, then it's up to you to make it, you lying shiny-faced anachronism." Carr, instead of saying this, apologised, and probably stopped using the schemes (I couldn't find any evidence whether or not he uses them anymore), even though he didn't have to. That's why it's point 3.

 Also, he's not funny. He drags down any of the million shows he's in, I don't like his jokes. Other than this, I won't think about him again. Next.

   *what right an old Etonion who is set to inherit millions from both of his parents has to say about money is beyond me; and to choose a 'celebrity' to go after instead of bankers who make millions in tax free bonuses every year makes me loathe him more than I thought possible.

An Update

I'm heading oversaeas for benevolent reasons. I won't have the internet much, so will mainly spend a bit of time editing articles here (a lot weren't proofread at all), and hopefully occassional updates when I'm settled in. Also, I was getting a bit sick of creepy internet searches such as 'lemur zoophilia' and 'pippa middleton feet naked' showing up, day after day. I also appreciate the contact I've had, and am making an effort to get back to you, but again was sick of being called names by illiterates. For that reason also, I'll take some time off this. If you want to see a list of all articles I've done, please click here. If you've enjoyed reading this, let me know, and if you haven't, you will anyway.

Also, I had a discussion last night with a girl I had met about Chris Brown,that singer who is number 1 in the British album charts. I don't know why we were talking about it, it was probably on in the background. I don't like that kind of music (Shitty R&B), but she was defending him not only as a great artist (he's not), but as a great person (he's not). He's the guy who beat up Rihanna.

 I don't like Rihanna's music either, it's at best bland, boring pop designed by committee and forcefed to idiots, at worst it's ubiquitous shit (that song 'you make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world' was on in every shop, store, cafe, bar and club in the world for about 2 months, and was dreadful). I've also heard her interviewed, and she seems to be a wilfully stupid person, she made the T4 presenters who interviewed her look intelligent. However, she took a hell of a beating by this Chris Brown fella, and you can access the warrant for his arrest here, it's pretty gruesome. Before this, Brown was known as a wholesome teen-heart-throb type guy, and strangely, his vicious attack on a pretty idiot has allowed him to cultivate a 'domestic abusing gangsta' personality which has given him number 1 in the British charts. My advice, don't buy this shit, it's awful and made by awful people. Come on everyone, we should be doing better.

Anyway, thanks for reading, hopefully hear from you all soon,
Pascal.