Two Great Websites, And One Awful One.

Hello all, today's topics, some websites.

I hate, the comments underneath web pages, particularly for news articles('A plane crash? Love it!') Not only because hehy are the comments either trite, inane, or resort into mindless namecalling. It is almost guaranteed that before five posts are done it will have resorted to a political, social or religious debate in which no one changes their mind but still hate each other at the end. Also, it tends to confuse they're, there and their almost universally, which is annoying, but I am aware that's a risky one for someone who long ago stopped proof-reading these posts. However, my two favourite places to go to watch people fight over the most inane things are:

1. celebheights.com - which speculates on celebrity heights.
The best thing about it though, is the trenchant warfare over the half inches. One I read, was 'you idiot, he's CLEARLY 6'1 1/2, not 6'1 - you idiot!' or something like that. Who really cares about how tall The Rock is enough to post a sign on it anyway? For that reason, it's a joy.

2. songmeanings.com - which allows people to wonder what song lyrics mean.
this is largely because I feel that what other people think a song means is irrelevant, it's what you make of it  yourslf that should be important. This gains a good website approval not only for the intractable hatreds unleashed in the comments section (someone called it 'the bottom half of the internet') but for the fact that it is pretty useful for collecting lyrics.

My least favourite website for the time being, and for the forseeable future, is thechive.com, a creepy website consisting of 'various galleries of either:

a) 'weird stuff'
b) 'pictures of animals'
c) 'facts' particularly about chuck norris
d) 'chicks in various state of undress' (often proclaiming to be girlfriends of users)
e) people smugly telling you to chive on
f) showing sympathy for people who write in who have bizarre illnesses.

This last one is the most sinister, I know that if I had cancer I'd want a bunch of frat-boys showing me sympathy. I'm not against girls sending in pictures of their asses and whatnot, and it's certianly not the only site that does that, but taken together it's utterly bizarre - can you imagine wondering around with a notebook which contained animal pictures, sexy lady pictures, stupid quotes and cancer pictures? It'd be enough to get you arrested. 

No, what really annoys me about the Chive is the smug self-satisfaction of its users, or chivers. Wearing stupid shirts (they're everywhere in London). The fact that they spend half the time congratulating themselves for their benevolence is offputting to say the least. Fuck 'em, and if another stranger tells me to KCCO, I will probably throttle them to death.

Hope everyone's crackin'

Feature: book Review- Michael Bywater 'Big Babies'

Or, to give this feature its proper title: 'Impromptu Book Review, From Memory, Of A Book I've Not Read In Ages.' The book, 'Big Babies: Or Why Can't We Just Grow Up?' which was released in 2006.  I like this book, it's simple, it's well researched with amusing examples, and it's written in an engaging way. The core theme is the increasing 'infantilisation' of people, and of society, and what we can do to combat it.

Among the many problems discussed, in a wry and frustrated manner, are: an infantalising press, capable of lowering the lowest common denominator; a loss of individuality, particularly with the rise of media sources, and the increase in the number of CCTV cameras monitoring every movement, making a private life more or less impossible - for once that overused term 'Orwellian' seems appropriate to use. Other topics and examples include the increase of the blame culture, which, Bywater argues, increases overblown 'outrage' and 'offence' which encourages people to be unwilling to accept their responsibilities, indicative of a culture which is totally solipsistic and unpleasant. Examples given of a bag of peanuts which says 'warning: may contain nuts' and a similar look through the carriage of a train at the unbelievably numerous signs, suggest that he is right. We are safer, mollycoddled, and have largely lost our common sense at the hands of a shady grim-faced enforcers of the petty regulations that have been put in place ostensibly to protect us. 


The book is interesting, and although it's perhaps a little overlong, makes its points well. That's not to say that there aren't problems: some of the examples given are wrong, while other, more topical examples, have become irrelevant over time - not Bywater's fault, but it makes a contemporary reading less compelling. There is also a jarring confusion between 'agnostic' and 'atheist' which ruins an otherwise strong argument. Similarly irksome is the juxtaposition of mocking humans for their tendency towards nostalgia, and Bywater himself frequently referring to a brief, golden age between the late 1950s and the advent of modern day venereal diseases - something which is patently not true for all in the United Kingdom (where the book is written and aimed at).

However, the underlying motive of the book - to prevent ourselves from becoming one of the infantalised masses, is a valid one. The advice given: ask the question 'why;' think for yourself (a great idea, especially when one is reminded to be oneself at the request of another); to retain common sense; and most importantly, to go out of your way not to be a prick -  remains valid, and would, if kept to, make the world a better place to be.

Recommendation: Worth a read.

The Dark Knight Returns: a months-too-late review

Spoilers abound:

Despite being a nerd, I'm not that into comic books or comic book movies. I caught Batman Begins on TV one lonely evening, it was fine. I didn't mind the Dark Knight when I went to see it, although people whispering 'Heath Ledger, he's dead now' in the background was annoying. However it was a little humourless, and other than Heath Ledger's performance, wasn't compelling. For these reasons, and the fact that I was living in the third-world at the time, I didn't go out of my way to see the Dark Knight Returns; I watched it a few days ago with some mates (one of whom had bought it on Blu-Ray, AND she's a girl - NERD!) I'd heard it was good. Let's just say that I was surprised.

First things first: Bane, what the hell? He might have the worst voice of any character ever. He looks like a shoddy Lord Humongous clone, but with the sound of a camp Sean Connery stapled onto it. I actually laughed out loud when he sees the bat signal and says 'IMPOSSIBLE,' which, because of his voice sounds like 'IMPOSSIBUBBLE.' With a deep voice he could have been a little intimidating, but I could only chuckle when he says 'I'm necessary evil' with the voice of a penguin king. It's impossible to take his monologues seriously, and they bring the whole thing screeching to a halt. Let's look at a soon-to-be-banned youtube video (for breaching copyright law probably). Let's youtube:

Other than making Christian Bale's Batman voice only the second stupidest voice in the movie, Bane advocates anarchy, shows that torture to get information is wrong! and makes a brief nod to the occupy movement when they clear out the houses of the rich. Alongside that there are two women interested in Batman, a policeman who plays Robin, and about a million action scenes. Really there are too many action scenes, and they get in the way of the plot, such as it is, and that's something I rarely say.

Most disappointing of all though, is the finale, where Bane is just shot, for some reason, by Catwoman, riding on the batbike. It's stupid, and incredibly anti-climactic. As is the fact that Batman spends most of his time recovering from having a messed up back. There are also probably too many characters fit in briefly between pointless action shots -the scene where they shoot Marion Cotillard's truck takes an eternity - at the expense of, you know, character development: Cotillard and Bale have sex and there is no chemistry because they characters have only talked two or three times before. Also, Micheal Caine sits there crying like a wiener for half of his scenes.

Although there are a few good scenes, such as a few of the fights, and the football stadium, the film is definitely not as good even as the Dark Knight. The conclusion, and Bane himself, are disappointing. Exacerbating this problem is the humourless sincerity of the movie itself - this is pretty dark and humourless for any movie, let alone one adapted from a comic book. Weird, and probably one to miss, even if it's got Marion Cotillard in it.

100 Posts: A Celebration and an Archive.

The Queens 60th Anniversary is constantly on TV. I've heard it's the same in Australia. I think we should all celebrate someone who's actually done something useful. For example, me, for this is the 100th post I've done. I intend to stop this for a little while, as I'm heading overseas with work for a few months and am unsure of how often I will be able to check the Internet. This post will also serve as a guide to help you to access every article a little more quickly  and easily. I've grouped them as well as I can, so click on the link to find:

The 'In Praise Of' series, where I sing the praises of something I like.
1. Mad Max 2 2. The Haggis 3.  Belgian Beers (top 5) 4. The Almond 5. Drunken Master 2 6. My Idiot Friend Rick 7. The TV show Parks and Recreation 8. Legend of Zelda Ocarina Of Time 3D 9. Pom Poko

Facts, Opinions and stories about British people and my life in Britain:
Annoying, arrogant teenage girls, how to have the least original gap year ever, my thoughts on inspirational quotes and also my thoughts on popular sayings. My trips to Newcastle, and much less pleasantly, to Liverpool. As well as Liverpool, here are more things to avoid, and also things I still don't understand about living in Britain. Including a realistic look at British Supermarkets, and an uncomfortable trip to the bank.
There is a discussion on the omnipresence of Soccer, which I think is boring, before you look to how to survive power cut. Finally we can see things everyone says to an Australian in the UK and a heart-felt review of the Edinburgh Festival Review of 2011, of which I had one of the worst shows of all time.

Tied into that a little is fashion, namely how shitty tattoos are. and the surprisingly popular worst things in fashion right now,

Also tied into British life, are things I like:
A hearty, self-convincing reasons to be cheerful, and later things to be happy about, and then the seemingly saccharine 'some positive thoughts' which is actually a hate-filled incitement for most of the population to kill themselves. There is also an odd piece where I give relationship advice (with ulterior motives) found under the name of tolerance, and because it doesn't fit anywhere else, a book review, the only one I did, though I have read more books in this last 6 months than just that.

It wasn't all self-centred nonsense though, some of it tackled politics:
Click here to read my thoughts on E-Petitions, the ongoing scandal about child-abuse and homophobia in the Catholic Church after near daily news reports and scandals. Some well-researched (genuinely) pieces on
violence and racism inherent in the British police force and a more light-hearted account of Mark Kennedy the undercover cop who went native and slept with a bunch of protesters. Elsewhere, there were cynical articles on how to succeed in politics (basically waffle and take bribes), and disappointment in the international legal system following the U.N.s failure to act in Syria until it was far too late found here. On a more optimistic note, I suggest a number of non-religious Commandments to help you live your life in the 21st century.

Related to this was the short-lived and poorly-received feature 'Prick of the day' where I discussed someone who had been a prick for some time. Only two were created, the first was Rupert Murdoch and the second was Megadeth's born-again Christian Dave Mustaine.  For the record, I could have done a lot more of these, but they didn't go down well, and got my anger up.

Stupid and Miscellaneous:
These political ones were never well received, and so I put down less politically charged thoughts. For example, I tell How to spend £1b thoughts on Valentine's Day, On top of this there was my thoughts on the blog so far, a list of bizarre and random facts, called Get Fact, a failed grammar lesson, and a story on Tort Law involving blood and bruised testicles. On top of that, I've come up with a brilliant New Musical.How exciting does that all sound? Not as exciting as my ill-infomed decision to write about which world foods I like least

Then we move to romance:
 My personal experiences, including the end of a 5 year relationship, the resultant soul-searching seen in an analysis of my long-term girlfriends. Following that, we see my personal biggest disappointments and shattered dreams, before I regale you with a tale of an attractive stalker. At a less personal, more 'celebrity' level of romance, we discuss some female sex symbols whom I don't find attractive (hint, Natalie Portman is there), and also females whom I do find attractive (hint, Carmella from Neighbours is there.) In the interests of Homosexual readers, we look first at my personal 5 Top Mancrushes (actually the first post on this blog) before revisiting the list with the predictably titled Mancrushes revisited.

About me personally,
 I've tried to keep specific information on me to a minimum, as I'm a private person, but we still find space for a list of people who people say I look like, and a related list on the worst things about being tall, as I'm reasonably tall. An avid sportsman and voyeur, we also discuss the 5 best injuries I've ever seen in real life. and, finally, because it had no where else to go, the 5 coolest named people I've ever met if you're interested, Murray Christmas would win this time, if I was to write that again.

Movies:
Are also important to me, and we discuss my hatred of movies where a movie will follow different characters before everything comes together at the end,,the entertainment factor of movies about Vikings, and my own idea for a Viking movie. There is also a list of the most enjoyable musicals for men, (Cannibal the musical wins that list), an interesting list on the best movies about serial killers, which, if re-written today, would still have the same top four, although I have seen 'M', a black and white movie which is also great, since then. In a similar vein, you can see the best movies set on islands, the most frightening and freakiest kids in movies, the best acts of drag in movies. More creatively, I have a list of bad ideas for Tim Burton to try out, but he beat me to it with 'Dark Shadows.' There is also a more straight-laced review of The Artist, and a pictoral blog of Ghanian movie posters, which are a joy. As is a straight up comparison of King Kong movies.

A Feature, which began for no real reason, was 'Gere or Far' which discusses a movie with Richard Gere in it, and then tries to find more interesting movies through actors or directors who have worked with him. It is even more tenuous than it sounds. First up was Gere or Far 1 which dealt with 5 Japanese Movies, the second and third didn't, but the feature ran out because I've barely seen any Richard Gere movies, and because it sucked as an idea.

Japanese Movies: 
Probably the most voluminous thing I've written on, because all my friends aren't into it, and this provides me with an outlet. So, click here for a discussion of Kiyoshi Kurosawa Movies, that I've seen, thoughts on an interesting documentary, The Emperors Naked Army Marches On, discussions on the movie Confessions; a couple of features discussing Takashi Miike movies I've seen can be found here and also here. Similarly, studio Ghibli's Hayao Miyazaki movies can be found reviewed and ranked into bottom five and top five. Also, if you want to read about the demented series 'Lone Wolf and Cub' you can find Parts 1-3 and parts 4-6 by clicking. Also, discussion on Akira Kurosawa's non-Samurai movies are here. Discussion on the excellent High and Low, can be found by clicking, while the next article covered, Stray Dog and Drunken Angel while the third discussed I live In Fear and The Bad Sleep Well. I have seen others, but they took a long time to write, even longer to find pictures for, and were badly received (Someone called me 'ignorent' [sic] for my views on the last feature. As it is, that's it.

Sports:
Lots of sport was discussed and rated, although I could easily do more. We went through the logos and suitability of team names for the NBA Eastern Conference, and the NBA Western Conference. There is also a feature on players with the best names to play in the NBA. For rugby union, there is a Prediction and then review of the world Cup 2011, and a discussion and rating of the cities, mascots, and logos of Australian, and New Zealand teams of the Super 15.

Electric Ode: 
Were a review of pieces of electronic gear which I was using at the time. The first, of the Samsung M8800, was scathing, and I have stopped using it, the second, more positive, was for the Creative Zen Vision M.

TV:
TV really annoys me, I especially hate adverts and voice overs, and would rather just watch a show on DVD. This is clearly shown by an in-depth analysis of an advert which drove me to murderous thoughts and a still ongoing boycott,,a similar discussion on the deodorant brand Lynx, a look at TV problems in the United Kingdom, and then some of my own TV shows ideas, which are HILARIOUS.

Travel: 
Wasn't particularly discussed, but it easily could have been, so all we now have is a picture essay on terrifying dolls of the world. and an article on Chinese Logic, and German Logic which was called racist by some, but but wasn't.

Animals:
Finally we come to animals, we had suggestions on the best post-apocalyptic pets, a feature on the best zoos I've ever been to, which prompted some unpleasant emails, and then there was a discussion on ivory trafficking and debate on The tastiest animal you can't eat (the panda) in the same article. That's 100 posts!

I want to thank everyone who has read anything, and anyone who has sent me email, keep reading. It's great to hear from you, genuinely.
P.S. getting together 100 links for this page took friggin forever.

British Supermarkets

I was used to having only one or two supermarkets in Australia. Coles New World now provides 35% of the Market share, 40% Woolworths, and the next highest has 20% market share [source] This is crazy. It also means that for me British supermarkets are a world of excitement and variance. You can buy more or less the same stuff everywhere, but prices and clientele change. The following is a list of supermarkets I've been to, complete with a 'realistic' slogan it should have, and a brief description of what you should expect when you enter. 

Tesco 'because misery brings success'
Where you go to see miserable staff members, odd sales (buy 1 get 3 free) and row after row of processed, shitty meat. Now more stores than people in the U.K.

Asda 'because there's no where else left to shop'
 If you live in a town with an Asda, it's sucking the life out of all the other shops around it. 

Aldi 'an unpleasant piece of Germany'
It's where you go if you feel like buying poor quality Schnitzel in unpleasant surroundings

Morrisons 'come on, it's the best you can afford'
Fresh fruit and vegetable is just a dream here.

Waitrose 'because Harrods is so far away' 
It's where you go to get your swan-meat, wear your Jack Willis clothes, and show off the voice that an expensive education has given you. 

Marks & Spencers 'we depend on your pension' 
If you ever need to locate old people, this is where to come. 

LIDL 'who needs pleasant shopping experiences when you have efficiency?' 
where you go because you're on the outskirts of a town and you need cheap German lager, efficiently stacked. 

Coop 'don't be a fagus, come get your haggis' 
where you go if you're in Scotland and need to stock up on biscuits, beer and magazines while ignoring anything healthy.

Sainsbury's 'because your awful child named Jake asked for cous cous for dinner'
If you can't afford to shop at Waitrose, but you speak like you should anyway, come to Sainsbury's

Somerfield 'where even the misery is for sale'
You go here if you want all hopes and dreams to die.

Iceland 'awful shite, attractively priced'
where you go if you had three kids by the time you left school at 16.

Rainbow 'no longer openly selling meths'
The best place to go to see how neck tattoo fashion is developing.

Londis 'small shops, big prices'
the place to go to see middle aged men buying porno magazines and toilet roll at 5pm.

Spar 'Salads? Pears? Apples? Rong!'
where you to buy food because they don't have anywhere cheaper nearby or if you don't like your vegetables mould-free.

Super 15 Logos and mascots: Australian Edition

Super 15: a good tournament, with some of the best players on the planet. there's a reason that Southern Hemisphere teams have won every world cup but one- they have better, stronger, faster players. With the new 15 team tournament, there are 5 teams from Australia, New Zealand, and South Africa. We'll look at all the Australian ones first, and I'll get to the others in time. I'll give a review of thecity the team plays, and the teams logo. Note that I won't review the team, nobody cares about the teams themselves. Most importantly, I'll also hunt down a picture of the deranged loon in a suit who actas as the mascot for all the teams. Let's start from the North-East and go clock-wise.

1. Queensland Reds

City (Brisbane): Is ok, a huge, sprawling city which is impossible to live in without a car. However, a good night out, some of the best clubs in Australia, and a Castlemaine tour which lets you drink all you can at the end of the tour- I made friends with a group of hammered Japanese businessmen once. However, there's not a lot in the way of 'culture', and the people are inredibly, almost willfully stupid. The team that plays there is the...

[source]

Logo: Probably the logo ever. A silhouette of a koala looking furious. Everything about it is a win. (Ranking: Winner)

Mascot: Rusty The Koala

[source]

This is presumably the koala from the logos grandad. He's got a sort of benevolence to him that I like, and I love how they've put him in shorts to cover his modesty. One things certain, he must be boiling alive in that suit. 

2. NSW Waratahs

City (Sydney): Let's not get into this shall we? It's a mixed bag. Great beaches, some terrific people, great food and things to do, but it's tempered by racial hatred, surprisingly religious populace, and it's expensive. I've also never seen a place with worse public toilets, and I've been to Eastern Europe.

[source]

Logo: The Waratah is a plant, which doesn't really smell, and isn't all that nice to look at. However, it is the state flower of New South Wales, and so it kind of makes sense to call the team that. The logo itself combines, at long last, a waratah and a rugby ball. Pretty lame. Unless you're allergic to pollen, a waratah isn't going to do much to scare you. Weirder, the NSW team used to be the blues, but still had that (largely red) logo. (Ranking: 4th)
 Mascot: Tah Man

[source]

The Very definition of 'deranged loon in a costume,' he first kicked into the scene unofficially, where he was a fan in a stupid costume. Anyone willing to get on the bus and head out to homebush stadium wearing that should be kept safe, at least from himself. Not sure what his powers are either. Pretty lame.

 

3. ACT Brumbies

City (Canberra): Weird, designed specifically to be the nations capital, and it shows it. It's pristine, it's well laid out, it's incredibly boring. Luckily there are some of the most beautiful women outside of Bulgaria there, which makes it more fun. 

[source]

Logo: A great logo, and one befitting of the most successful Australian team. mountains in the background, and a horse rearing up, as the city was born in horse territory. Horses are good, strong, team, and stupid, just like a rugby team should be. (Ranking: 2nd)


Mascot: Brumbie Jack

[source]

A Great costume. He's wearing the kit, he's smiling, he's got plastic hooves. A real winner, especially when you see him dance. From what I remember, he hands out gifts to kids too.

4. Melbourne Rebels 

City (Melbourne): Almost as big as Sydney, but without the same high-rise central business district. Resultantly, the city has the feel of a nice, old, gigantic town. It's nice, and has some interesting thigns to do and a good cafe culture, but when I was there it was 'chocka-block' with hipsters. Frankly, one is too many. For that, I can't forgive it, still, food is excellent, and it's a little cooler than most places. 

[source]

Logo: Uninspired. The name the Rebels is good, as they are the newest, breakaway team in the league. No excuses for the stars and blue logo though. (ranking: 5th).

Mascot: No mascot yet, perhaps one will develop over time. I'd like to see a Jimmy Dean style rebel smoking on the sidelines, beating up other teams fans. This would be great news.

5. Western Force

City (Perth): The most isolated million people city in the world, and one that's resultantly developed its very own being. The coast around Perth is beautiful, the food and drink wonderful, and the city is filled with parks and easy going people. On the other hand, it's filled with English and South African people who've moved over, and it's also closed for all of Sunday- like literally legally everything is closed. Nice, but flawed.

[source]

Logo: Not bad. A strong, royal blue which catches the eye. The black logo, a 'force' of nature which incorporates a black swan, Perth's native animal. In case you haven't seen one, take a regular white swan, shrink it 20%, but make it 400 times more aggressive. Anyway, nice logo. (ranking: 3rd)

Mascot: Westy The Swan

[source]

I don't know what the guy on the right is, but Westy is on the left. It's not a very good thing, and looks more like an insect than a swan from front on. Still, you can see him flapping his wings on the sidelines.

In conclusion: For logos, it goes Reds, Brumbies, Force, Waratahs, Rebels. For mascots, it goes Brumbie Jack, Rusty the Koala, Tah Man, Westy the Swan, and nothing. What have we learned? Rebels need to sort their shit out. Good stuff, more to come? Who knows?

A Book Review (About Animal Attacks)

I'm a bit banged up at the moment, and as I recover, someone was kind enough to give me a great new book. The Book of Deadly Animals by Gordon Grice, it's a book on how animals predate on humans, and notes a lot of animal attacks throughout history. It's written in a really amusing and often sarcastic way, and yet has a respect for animals which is good to see. Its environmental message is not overplayed either, which means that even idiot climate change deniers can in theory enjoy it. I recommend it to anyone,

For me though, the best attacks aren't all of those which were most deadly. For example, I already knew about the shark attacks on the survivors of the USS Indianapolis CA-35, or that tiger which killed hundreds of people in India in the 1930s. Instead I enjoyed things that I had never heard of or even though of before. For example, at page 116 we learn that only one person has ever been injured by a giant squid, which batted him with a tentacle when it was slapped deliberately by an oar. Also, I didn't know (but always really hoped) that if you anger an octopus in the water, it can follow you out of the water, crawling along the sand to catch you. Also, I had no idea that sloth bears are the most violent and aggressive of all the bears, despite looking like some shaggy Muppet deity: 

Looks like it's wearing a mask, but can still tear your face off [source]

The following are my five 'favourite' stories from the book, by that I mean things which I've talked to other people about

1. Komodo Dragon (pp. 164 -8)
I've already admitted my fondness for the Komodo Dragon, and I remember this in the news when it happened. In 2009, a park ranger on the island of Rinca was doing paperwork in a hut when he was attacked by a Komodo Dragon.The hut was accessible only by a ladder, which the dragon climbed before lunging at the man in his desk. It doesn't say, but I imagined it was from behind, so he'd be working one minute, then terrified the next- although hearing something coming up the ladder and expecting a human but being met with a Komodo would also be a good story. They fought for a little while before the man jumped from the window to safety.


2. Rhinocerous (p. 160)
This is a pretty gruesome story, but I suppose rhinos owe us some pain after we chop their horns off for no reason whatsoever.the story isn't verified, but is certainly possible: a group of slaves were being marched along a path, each shackled around the neck, and tied to the man before and after him. A rhino charged a man in the middle, reducing him to pulp, but the force of the attack broke necks of the other twenty men. It's an awesome display of power, and  it's from a really grim time in our history (unless you are from those parts of the world where slavery still goes on).

3. Buzzard (p. 174)
Less horrible, a buzzard is a large predatory bird, which I have seen terrorising the enormous seagulls in Scotland (seriously, they're so big). Anyway, in 2004 a buzzard attacked 22 people on a bicycle race in Devon, England, damaging the helmet or person in all cases. A bonus for you relating to birds: a Redtail Kite that nested near a golf course in Illinois attacked at least 60 golfers over four years. Awesome for so many reasons.

4. Centipedes (pp215-7)
Grice admits that as far as he knows, no centipedes have ever killed a man (although I remember distinctly being told by an 'animal safety' guy at school that one killed a girl in Perth (Australia) so we had to be careful around them.) Grice also gives the great description that they are like "a worm on many stilts."  However, what really caught my eye was that there are around 60 species with 'REPUGNATORIAL GLANDS' capable of causing harm to humans. The most insane one, desmoxytes purposea exudes a venom which contains cyanide. In case you're worried about a silent attack, it looks like this: 

It looks like some weird sex toy for an act I can't even imagine. [source]

5. Gorilla (p. 343)
Another one which was interesting and sad. In Dallas, Texas in 2004 gorilla was pelted with ice and rocks by two teenage boys. The gorilla was in a 12 foot moat ringed with a 14 foot wall, which was covered in electric wire. The gorilla cleared the moat with a single bound and raised hell, attacking people until he was shot by the police. The two teenage boys are probably still alive. That's pretty grim news, so to cheer you up:

In conclusion: Great reading, he's a great story teller (he relates a lot of it to his own adventures in the wild) and also is a great place to have lots of animal stories together. If that doesn't interest you, I'll leave you with this: Giant Panda v drunk Chinese guy, if you want to find the result, read the book.

Non Samurai Guy 2: Stray Angel, Drunken Dog.

Hello everyone, the last Non Samurai Guy went down such a storm that I think I'll do others. Luckily for you, these will be more brief and include more saucy pictures. Kurosawa is a master, and so there are bits in every movie which are worth checking out, so I'll just give brief thoughts to allow you to inform your decisions on which box sets you should purchase. What follows is two reviews of films I've seen. They include one sentence plot synopsis and then thoughts: today we have Drunken Angel and Stray Dog, two movies often linked together because of their similarity in subject (namely the seedy underclass which developed in post War Japan) and the fact that they were made within a year or two of each other.

Drunken Angel [1948]

No Joke, these movie posters kick ass [source]

Synopsis: An alcoholic Doctor (Shimamura) - a Drunken Angel, if you will - and a young Gangster (Mifune) bicker over their respctive life choices when the gangster is found to have Tuberculosis.

Review: the movie which Kurosawa says was his first film, and it shows it. This is a more tightly scripted tightly filmed piece of work than his previous movie, One Wonderful Sunday (which I'm not going to review). The movie offers a social critique of post-war Japan, the Doctor lives next to a cesspit which is infecting the rest of the people living near it. Despite doing his best (and he is shown to be dedicated to his job) he is still mocked for being an alcoholic by the local children.

Though, to be honest, most cesspools aren't as reflective as this.

  The movie also affords Kurosawa some surreptitious criticism of the American occupation. The Gangsters hang out in dance halls where they listen to Jazz and drink Western style booze, the result is a very un-Japanese debauchery. As well as the newly Westernised dancing girls, and gangsters molls dressed in Western clothing, this would have been understood as indictments of the corruption and avarice that American occupation forces were having on Japanese society. As a gangster, Mifune is captivating. His heavy drinking, dancing and gambling symbolic of the life he leads. His appearances at Shimamuras, usually when both he and the Dr. are drunk, wreak of malice and underlying violence. Mifune is malevolent and unpredictable, like a wild animal: the two resort to physical violence most meetings. 

Here they are fighting.

And here Mifune is dancing up a storm.

  Drunken Angel also offers criticism of the Yakuza gangs which have taken influence in post war Japan. They are depicted as common thugs and idiots. The fact that the imprisoned Gang leaders moll is now the doctor's assistant shows that their influence is invasive. When the gang leader returns, his tune on the guitar is haunting and a musical cue which reminds Mifune that he has outlived his usefulness, and that his illness is a sign of weakness to other gangs. He is to be replaced without honour.

Although he has to gamble his wealth away first. He's a decadent dude in this movie.

The most memorable scenes include Mifune's dance, the first time that the gang-leader plays his tune on the guitar, and a scene on the beach, from a hallucinating Mifune, which recalls the Cabinet of Dr. Cagliari:

He's being chased by himself, an apt metaphor for tuberculosis.

Throughout the movie, Mifune gets physically weaker and yet more stubborn. He continues to drink, gamble and fight, to his own detriment. After a final battle scene, which shows merely how entrenched the new gangster culture is in Post-War Japan, the movie ends on a downer, with life going on after Mifune dies needlessly. Mifune's potential wife and the Doctor both try to continue with their lives.

Stray Dog [1949]

This one is perhaps a little gaudy, they all look ill. Shimamura looks like a zombie. [source]

Synopsis: Toshiro Mifune is a policeman, who alongside grizzled older detective Shimamura, travels through a sweltering Post-War Tokyo to recover his stolen gun, which has been used in murders throughout the city.

Review: This is another movie perhaps more interesting for its setting than its story. Post-war Tokyo is struggling along through a heat-wave, and we get a good look at its sweaty body. As a result, the movie is perhaps a little overlong: the two chase scenes at the beginning of the movie, and another at the conclusion, go on collectively about ten minutes too long, no matter how interesting the scenery.

Mifune, who is sprinting in at least ten minutes of the movie, he's quite a man...

Similarly, Mifune's initial detective work, disguised as a soldier, as he negotiates the black market is interesting from a social perspective (namely how Tokyo was recovering after devastation in WWII), but the scene really saps momentum from the plot.

...And he wears the hell out of a grubby army outfit.

Mifune is teamed later with Takashi Shimamura, another of Kurosawa's stalwart's, most recognisable as the leader of the Seven Samurai. The two detectives have differing styles. Shimamura, the more grizzled of the two, believes in a distinction between good and bad, there's very little moral ambiguity for him. Mifune however, is more brash, and has been directly affected by his service in the war, he believes that circumstances make people bad, and the situation that Japan has found itself in isn't conducive for good people. His belief in a shared goodness of humanity is matched through his own changing circumstances: desperate people will do desperate things, and in searching for his gun, Mifune has become desperate himself.

The two guys have a beer and a chat about life, morality, and when Metallica started sucking.

Meanwhile the female character can be seen as a physical embodiment of the complexities of Post-War Japan, she dances in a Western-style Dancehall, and has even begun to act 'Western'. The increasing influence of the West can also be seen through both through the Western-style house of one of the murder victims, and the baseball match where the gun dealer is tricked and arrested. The two teams have English names (the Giants and the Hawks.)

Baseball, zzz...

In conclusion, it's a charming, gripping movie which is slightly overlong but important from a social perspective. Of course, Mifune and Shimamura are excellent. Furthermore, as well as the interesting social and political undertones, the story also works very well as a straight forward police thriller. The conclusion, a shootout in a field with the killer Yusa, played by Isao Kimura, whom we've already mentioned in regards to Lone Wolf and Cub, is tense and absorbing. The distress that Yusa is in, and the fact that we have seen his pitiful house, makes him a strangley sympathetic murderer. The showdown is accompanied by the piano playing of a woman in a nearby house, and adds a surreal edge, and also hints at the increasing influence of the West into Japanese culture.

The one guy with the gun loses, what a loser.

The final conclusion suggests that Imamura has changed his views to closer match Mifunes. The movie is definitely worth seeing. On a tangent I disagree with is a female friend of mine, who argues that the losing of the gun is symbolic of Freudian deprivation, and that his quest for the gun is his search for his libido. This is nonsense, he is guilty because he lost his gun, and feels worse because it was used to kill people, that's all.

Lone Wolf and Cub: Parts 4 - 6

Hello and welcome back to my reviews of Lone Wolf and Cub. The first three I've already run through here, how will the last three pan out? Let's read on to find out.

4 - ‘The One With The Hot Tattooed Chick’

[aka 'Baby Cart In Peril'] (1972)

 As my title suggests, this is probably the best one in terms of story. The Wolf is charged to kill a female assassin, shown dispatching five guards in the first minute (!) of the movie, all the while fighting with bare, magnificent, tattooed breasts. Talk about catching the attention. It turns out that she’s tattooed herself with terrifying creatures in order to dazzle an opponent and allow her to deliver the final blow. It turns out she has one particular man in mind: A sinister fellow, only introduced late on, who had in the past hypnotized our anti-heroine using a flaming sword, and then raped her while she was unconscious. Before we can get to this vengeance story, the Cub encounters one of the Wolf's Nemesis, a man who jostled for political position with him before his exile. He still bears a grudge after the Wolf beat him in a sword battle long ago. He thinks he was cheated and demands a rematch: he has his arm cut off for his troubles.

Silhouettes on a bridge, just prior to duelling.

The Wolf meets with the tattooed woman, and they share a ceremonial bath together. She dispatches more assassins, before the guy with the flaming sword returns, threatening to finish the job this time. To regain her virtue, she kills him, dazzling him with a tattooed boob, before throwing a knife into his skull.

That's his flaming sword. Surprisingly, he's even creepier without the bleeding knife in his forehead.

Sated, she finally fights the Wolf, who dutifully kills her. After this, a bizarre hostage scene, and a lot of laughs, an army of assassins is dispatched to kill the wolf. The battle, waged in a quarry and some trenches, leaves our hero injured and exhausted.

Another great final battle, they're all very intense, yet well-filmed.

 The Cub, shown standing bravely before the Wolf's nemesis earlier, now offers support to his injured father. He's following the way of Hell as the Wolf wants him to. As the Wolf stumbles off, dripping with blood, his nemesis, seen from a horse above the corpse-strewn quarry, grudgingly admits his respect. He vows to have his revenge, but isn't seen again.

5 – ‘The One Where The Cub Gets Whipped' [aka 'Baby Cart In the Land of Demons'] (1973)

 Our hero is conned into accepting his 500 ryo assassination fee from five inept fighters willing to sacrifice their lives and 100ryo each for no real reason. Apparently the real heir is kept in a tower while his half-sister is presented as the real son; this OBVIOUSLY isn't right, and so they all have to die: a document which tells all this has to be intercepted. In case you haven't realised, the story is pretty much irrelevant. Again the cub goes off on his own, this time to get tied up and a public whipping from a group of police figures trying to catch a pickpocket, whom the Cub is honour-bound to protect.

Strange how some things are the same in all cultures...

His samurai sensibilities mean that he won’t give up who he is protecting, and so he takes a beating. The crowd, on his side, pat him on his (red raw) back as he leaves. Prior to the final battle the wolf does an incredible assassination under a boat, and then is forced to fight on the shore covered only in what looks like kitchen roll around his waist.

Ahh...so that's what every woman in the series so far has been attracted to.

Similarly, this movie marks the first time that we have seen the pram on skis, an excellent upgrade, and one which comes in very handy in the 6th movie (below). Less interesting, though still really interesting, the final battle is unique as the Wolf is joined for the first time by effective allies, whom he later has to kill in the palace. The fraudulent family dead, and his obligations settled, he and his son sail off into the distance. Leaving only a woman who has commit Seppuku, to stay loyal to her now-dead boss, on the shore.

I'm mainly joking around in these reviews, but the stories are strong (in a nonsense kind of way), the fight scenes great, and the cinematography is often very impressive. This is a scene from the very end of the film.

6 – The One With Zombies, and Battle On The Freakin’ Snow. [aka 'White Heaven In Hell'] (1974)

 This is the final one, and the movie with the highest body count in the entire series, at least according to the not-at-all psychopathic www.moviebodycounts.com. However, the story is probably the worst. Our one-eyed enemy, about to lose political influence because he can’t kill the Wolf, sends his tough, fighting daughter to kill him.

She's not showing off, that guy did volunteer to try to kill her...

However, same as the previous 800+ people who tried to kill the Wolf, she can't either, and is killed. That means that Our Wolf has now killed his Retsudo's 5 sons and a daughter. There is still one daughter, a more attractive one, who unlike her boss-eyed sister, had presumably been earmarked for modelling rather than fighting.

Yeah, no fighting for her.

Old Retsudo, in desperation, goes to his maniac illegitimate half-son for help. He was brought up in the mountains by a group who practice black magic, they know how to burrow through the ground like worms to kill almost at will. They also have zombies which are nearly indestructible. Call me crazy, but I would have turned to that son first. Inevitably, the Wolf tricks them all into an honourable fight. After dispatching with the zombies, the Wolf and the Son of Retsudo talk, and find they are kindred spirits stuck in a life of violence. They agree to a fair duel, which leaves the half-son is mortally wounded,

Their final duel (which looks like a Testament album cover).

As he is dying, he is raced across the land to rape his sister and thus continue the family bloodline. I wish that I was joking when I said that; luckily, old one-eye is on hand to kill them both (though why he kills the daughter is beyond me). Resultantly, the obligatory army is brought out for the final battle of the series, this time on ice! A lot of the soldiers are on skis, others are on sleds.

I think this is the biggest army for the final battle of them all, it's certainly the 'coolest'...

A surprisingly camp battle ensues on the snow.The armoured pram, now with skis, helps to dish out death to the skiing masses. Our hero nearly gets close enough to Retsudo to kill him, but he escapes. Bruised and battered, the Wolf watches his nemesis escape into the snowy distance, each promising to kill the other one day. The Wolf gathers up his son, and continues on his way.

Ice in the beard + a naysaying lackey = bad day for Retsudo

This may be a little disappointing as a conclusion for the series, however there is a mitigating factor: the music. In this installment, funk and Japanese disco are merged to create some kind of super-music. Also, I've also just found out that the half-son, the who practices witchcraft, is played by the Isao Kimura, the youngest, most love-struck of the 'Seven Samurai' - what a wonderful world we live in)

Awesome shot, but filmed from the perspective of a man retreating by sled.

In summary: Despite the utterly unsatisfying conclusion, this series is definitely worth your time. If your concentration span only reaches 80 minutes, and you can’t function without needless violence, nudity and awesome samurai skills, then these movies are for you. The movies have become influential, and have gathered a huge, and justified, cult success. Even if you’re blind, the music is incredible, mixing contemporary 70s disco with traditional Japanese instruments. One of the people in the gang in the first episode was played by Yunosuke Ito, the guy who hijacked the bus in 'The Man who Stole the Sun' (which is mentioned  here, go on, CLICK IT!). Over 800 people are killed throughout the series, and it provides a critique of violence in movies (possible) while both celebrating and de-glamorising the Samurai code. If none of the factors I've mentioned interest you, then as far as I’m concerned you’re nothing.

Highly Recommended. 

Movies Set on Islands

Time. It's one thing that I do have. I'm using my time off to travel to some of the Scottish islands on a boat with a couple of mates. While I could do a review of the islands, we're mainly going to there to visit distilleries and villages to get drunk (a mate who is with broke her ankle, so can't really walk around), so instead I'll mention some movies which are set on Islands, and which I enjoyed:

10. Battle Royale [2000]

Takeshi Kitano (Centre, bottom row) takes time out from guarding his Castle to encourage murder. [Source]

A Class of school kids are placed on an island and forced to kill each other. The last surviving one gets to leave, and the action is televised to provide entertainment to a dystopian nation, and to cull off members of underperforming schools. This Japanese satire of the entertainment industry now looks mildly prophetic, and it also works as an allegory for the cutthroat world of business after leaving school. This movie is now considered a classic, but I disagree, it's overlong and not very focused, and provides a real 'deus ex machina' to help the heroine and her boyfriend survive. It's not great, though it is famous, and the killing takes place on an remote Japanese island, and so it makes number ten.

9. Lord of the Flies [1963]

This picture is from the 1990 version, where Piggy is much more 'Pig-Like' [source]

A planefull of British Schoolboys crash onto a tropical island (which is also Gary Glitter's recurring dream), they soon shed their schooling notions of civilisation and resort to violence, murder and human sacrifice. Meanwhile, it's heavily implied that the adults who have provided them with these same notions of civilisation have begun a nuclear war, and the children were only in a plane to be evacuated. I watched this movie in high school, and we were then asked to compare the movie to the book (we had one of those teachers). However, what I remember mostly was that at least three of our class could qualify to play the character of 'Piggy': glasses-wearing, unsporty, dandruffy, and likely to be cooked within an hour of the crash.

8. The Thin Red Line [1998] 

This picture gives a wrong impression, it's beautifully shot, but not particularly action-heavy [source]

Another Terrence Malick Movie that people either love or hate. If you've seen one, you'll know whether you'll like this or not. It's beautifully filmed, and a philosophical enquiry into the nature of humanity, violence, and even environmental concerns. This one is based on a platoon in the Pacific during the Second World War, and suffered by coming out at pretty much the same time as Saving Private Ryan. A group of celebrity soldiers (seriously, any actor you can think of is in it, it really ruins the illusion of the movie for me when John Travolta and George Clooney rock up) are not only at war with the Japanese, and with themselves, but with nature itself. Though you may think this infuriatingly vague, you can't deny that it is beautifully shot. The setting of the island remains a beautiful reflection of nature, which is indifferent to the human suffering due to the war raging around it.

7. Whiskey Galore [1949]

Surprisingly strong teeth for a booze-hound? [Source]

 An Ealing comedy, supposedly based on a true story, about a Scottish island community deciding first how to get, and then what to do with, the tonnes of whiskey which have shown up on their island after a shipwreck. Various obstacles are in their way, not least a stuffy English army leader who is there. It's an Ealing comedy, so it's pretty funny, pretty screwy, and worth a watch, especially for the way that the islanders and mainlanders are shown as being basically different species.

6. I Walked With a Zombie [1943]

He's one big Zombie boy. [source]

 A Caribbean-style zombie remake of 'Jane Eyre', which we watched when the same teacher who showed us #9 was in sick. The movie is interesting, and a little frightening, even if we were shown it at the age where half the class automatically got erections when the lights were dimmed. Will definitely check this out if I can find it again, especially as it was only about an hour long.

5. King Kong [1933]  / Mothra [1961] 

Mothra's Egg, she then turns into a giant grub, then to a moth. This is 'Eggra'?[source]

I mean the original King Kong, not the pointless and over-long remake by Peter Jackson. The original is a wonderful piece of 1930s nonsense, and which seemed to be on TV every day I had chickenpox when I was 11, so I can pretty much remember it by heart. Possibly parodied so much that you will have seen every scene in one way or another before you have actually seen the movie  (see also 'The Graduate'), but brilliant; and the Island, skull-shaped and ominous, is incredible. I'd also like to mention the island on which the deranged 'Mothra' is set, without giving anything away, it's definitely worth checking out, particularly if you are high (on life).Seriously it might be the maddest movie about giants moths you'll ever see.

4. Ieodo Island [1977]

An atmospheric scenegrab from an atmospheric movie.

 OK, I'm putting this here to show how cultured I am, and it's probably the most obscure movie I've ever watched: A Korean murder mystery with magic and primitive beliefs. It's a movie where the villagers of the island try to continue living their ritualistic, almost primitive lives, even as times change and a tourist hotel is planned. There's also a possible murder mystery tying the whole thing together. The conclusion, which I won't give away, genuinely blew my mind. I can't really go into any more detail without giving it away. If you can, try to see this movie, but go in with an open mind
.

3. Profound Desires of the Gods [1968] 

Cool, freaky masks seem to play a big part of Island life. [source]

Similar in theme to #4, but set on a slightly friendlier Okinawan island. The setting is beautiful, and made me realise how much I miss coral reef when I'm not around it (what an arsehole thing to think!). A theme of the movie is how the villagers, who are slowly modernising, try in vain to hold onto their rituals. The film centres around one family, ostracised by the village but still held in regard as its shamans, and who are reflective of the islands gods own origin story. The family leader is forced to dig a hole in an Sisyphean penance; his sister, and possible lover, is the village shaman forced to live with a village elder. This village elder is smart enough to straddle the primitive elements of the island and also act as a go-between for the huge company which employs the majority of the village. Other than this there is a hard working son who longs to move to Tokyo, and a retarded-but-attractive daughter, who may or may not be a genuine prophetess herself. A visiting engineer falls in love with her, and for a time shuns the notions of civilisation to enjoy this paradise. The paradise however, is just as violent as anywhere else, and the villagers struggle to find fresh water and employment the majority of the time. A couple of really shocking scenes, including the last appearance of the grandpa, and the red sailed boat, give this an ethereal, violent quality which is hard to explain; the movie runs to nearly three hours, but drifts by with a dream-like ease. The conclusion, which suggests that most of the villagers have left, or are now being viewed as a sort of primitive museum by smug mainlanders, is also very poignant.

2. Trick The Movie 2 [2004]

Someday I want to be painted like this. [source]

 A movie I watched on a plane, and liked it so much that I hunted it down on DVD. It's about a couple (one a scientist, the other a failed magician) who use their knowledge to solve magic happenings. Juxtaposed with this is a uniquely Japanese sense of humour, filled with slapstick, puns, insane visual jokes (such as an unexplained gift they are given, a computer generated caterpillar) as well as musical and visual cues which make it genuinely hilarious. I would love to see it remade into English; the closest thing in existence would be perhaps Jonathan Creek, but this movie is a lot cleverer and a lot more funny. The two leads are a lot more attractive as well. The fight scene is hilarious, and some of the visual gags are astonishing and ridiculous. Anyway, the couple are charged with solving the disappearance of a girl many years ago which leads them to an island where a mysterious, cult-like figure uses magic to impress her charges. Unlike #3, the island isn't beautiful or tropical, but has a more, ragged, cold feeling to it, and this is reflected by its unresponsive, obtrusive occupants. A Scottish remake is on the way.

1. The Wicker Man [1973]

Procession with masks. This already looks like enormous fun, and then you get to sacrifice someone! [source]

 As I will soon be travelling to the Scottish isles, I mean the original Wicker Man, not the awful remake. Here a religious Scottish policeman is summoned to an island to solve the mysterious disappearance of a girl. When he gets there, he finds the villagers less than helpful, but enjoying life practising pagan rituals, one of which he becomes a huge and unwitting part of. I have the DVD of this, and I think that the original version, rather than the extended version, is better. The extended version tends to overexplain things, instead of thriving on their mystery. A scene from the extended version where Christopher Lee talks while two snails mate is ridiculous rather than powerful. The conclusion is very interesting, and makes a great deal of sense in the context of the rest of the movie. It is a real surprise. The juxtaposition of eccentric characters, intelligent leaders, religious self-oppression and retribution at the films conclusion makes this a real British cult classic. As do the musical numbers, which have made its translation into a Glasgow Musical possible. The island on which it is set, Summerisle, has palm trees growing on it, and this is apparently true, an Atlantic drift warms the currents and makes it unusually warm in a small area of the North West of the Scottish highlands. There is a myth that there are islands where pineapples can grow, but I have never seen that. I have however, seen tropical ferns and palm trees north of Ullapool. I will let you know if I see anything else on my trip.

In conclusion:
this list was harder to do than I'd imagined, I still left off 'Hell in the Pacific', 'L'avventura' (which is beautiful, but which I found really pretentious) and possibly 'Milo and Otis'. In most of these movies, islands provide a geographical boundary from the mainland which can help to isolate those not from the islands, and allow the islanders themselves to develop communities as they see fit, the people can be either accommodating or evil. Similarly, shipwrecks or prolonged periods away from 'civilisation' can lead to people either reverting to a more 'primitive' way of life, or being tempted by its siren-like call. A common theme in these movies is that the people of the island are 'backwards', acting more primitively than those of the mainland, and still clinging onto rituals which mainland people shed years ago. Sacrificing to appease gods, or cowed by magic seems to be a common theme, at least in the list I have made above. Luckily, in real life, most people I know from Islands are lovely. In all cases, the settings, surrounded by sea and therefore potentially cut off from civilisation, adds to the sense of either beauty and naturalism, or of fear and claustrophobia.

p.s. photos of the trip up later, promise!