5 Worst World Foods

I've eaten some shitty foods in my time. For the record, I live in the UK, which is famous for shitty food, but seems to have lifted its game a bunch in recent years. Anyone who says differently, try an Arbroath Smokey Pancake, and then shut up. The following are the worst foods I've eaten. I am well aware that eating in a couple of restaurants doesn't give a good indication of a culture, but what do you want me to do about it? These are, if not the worst, then the most disappointing, world cuisines I've tried:

5. Finnish

There was a Finnish restaurant in Sydney. It sold nothing but miserable dumplings and stew with gelatine in it. Why would you open a finnish restaurant if you a) can't cook, and b) even if you could, the food is plainly unsuited to a warm climate.

4. Korean

Cantonese food: good. Taiwanese food: good. Japanese food: Good. All around them they have good food (well, except for North Korea, which seems to have chosen missiles and malnutrition over anything else) so why is Korean food so bad? That scene in Oldboy where he eats a live octopus seems like a good choice over eating Congee and badly made bulgogi. I keep thinking that I must be ordering the wrong stuff, but I think it's just not a great world cuisine. Not awful, just disappointing, every single time I fall for it. [Note - the day after I write this, I went to a GREAT Korean restaurant, called Shilla in Edinburgh, and it was delicious - this renders the rest of the list useless].

3. Hungarian

Hungarians seem to absolutely not care about food, which is almost unique to Europe. The markets we went to there were completely uninspired, mouldy food being sold by people who didn't care. Desperate for fruit, I scoured high and low, only to find a tower of peaches, two metres high, all of which were mouldy. It was such a huge change from other markets I've seen, for example, in Split, Croatia, or anywhere in Italy, where fresh food and fun was to be had. The restaurants in Hungary were poor, the only exceptions being for food of other cultures. For example, Hungarian Chinese restaurant was surprisingly good, at least by comparison. Weird food, badly prepared, and expensive. A surprise entry.

2. Indonesian

 Indonesia is the 4th largest country in the world. I speak nearly fluent Indonesian because Australian Schools put a great emphasis on it (whereas I know almost no science or maths, and I karnt spell gud either). Meanwhile, this 250million people country is NEVER mentioned in European press apart from describing briefly the latest disaster occurring there. Certainly, for a country that size, it has made no contribution to world cuisine outside of nasi goreng and sambal olek. Every Indonesian restaurant I've been to has been disappointing, every time. I feel like good Indonesian food is out there, I just don't know how or where to get it. I'm not alone in that feeling either.

1. Chinese (Mainland)

 I am not squeamish. I've eaten scorpions, horse sashimi, anteater, snake and other things which most people wouldn't bother with. So it's not the fact that I don't like how chinese people treat animals (although I don't like that) - the problem is that Mandarin food seems to apply to a completely different pallet to my own. I wouldn't mind eating frog overies in batter, if it tasted nice. I would happily wolf down a 'king mushroom' a mushroom the size of a dinner plate but with the texture and flavour of a blood bogie, if it tasted nice. I suppose I would endorse shark fin soup if they actually ate the rest of the shark to go with it, and the soup wasn't just gelatinous shit. As it is, I just don't get it.

The Tastiest Animal You Can't Eat

There's a lot in the news about animal poaching these days. Rhino and elephant horn is hacked off the animal, which bleeds to death. The ivory is then sold for huge amounts, ground up and sold to Chinese people who will use it as a placebo or an aphrodisiac. I would argue that you don't need aphrodisiacs if you have a population of 1.3 billion, but logic seems to break down when people need rhino horn as a medicine. It's disgusting and sad, so to take my mind off it, I thought about which animal I would kill and eat if I had no concern for a) animal welfare and survival and b) morals:

The answer is either between a sloth, and a panda. I think a Sloth might be too stringy because it is so lazy, and it's not a particularly big thing either. So I settled for Panda, because, although it is ostensibly a bear, it only eats Bamboo (i.e. a bamboo marinade), and is fleshy enough to get a good roast out of it... However, I'm not sure it would be very tasty, only one way to find out...

Rationalising hatred (Heineken Beer)

Note: I wrote this a long time ago, I don't think this ad has been on for at least a year, but I maintain my earlier sentiment. Some changes have been made to reflect time passing. I would also like to acknowledge the sequel, 'the date' which has done nothing but reinforce my hatred, and also made me bust a blood vessel in my neck.

There's a new ad for Heineken out now, it features a guy going around a party, saying hello to a cowboy (whom he 'hilariously' pretends to shoot); a black guy in African clothing (who is deferred to to suggest tolerance), and a Chinese guy (whom our host 'hilariously' pretends to do Kung Fu against to gain possession of a beer). In the end, he gets a Heineken from a servant, and he plays along with the band. Instead of the crowd coming to their senses and realising that such a swaggering tosser is undesirable at a party, he is actually toasted by the crowd and the band plays on. You can watch this ad here:

I hope that some of you reading will know enough of me to know that I hate this ad. On top of a team filled with cocaine-stuffed Advertising executives thinking that this is people's idea of a good time, there are other problems. The guest / host (who I suppose we are supposed to sympathise with) is a tosser, swaggering around, running shitty parties, and hiring a terrible band (seriously, that girl sings like a 3 year old child). He is supposed to be cool and charismatic- watch him shoot that cowboy, who looks like Lemmy after a thousand eating challenges, but why would any swaggering tosser have a wannabe cowboy at his party? The answer is, because he is a cock. He gives us no reason to like him, and no reason to think that only at his arrival does the party start.

He says hi to a couple more people, gets his servant to bring him beer, and plays a weird kung-fu getcha with a beer against a Chinese guy, which only showcases his lack of athleticism. the Chinese guy looks on, almost in smiling tears, as he realises that he has met his match on a social and physical level. Poor fool. Meanwhile our host (or guest) swaggers to the staircase, playing a flute after getting changed (why?) before he raises a beer, triumphant. The terrible band play on. We are told that this is probably the best party in the world.

I don't think so, and here's why: I wouldn't want to be friends with that guy. If he was there as a guest, I wouldn't want to be at that party. If he was hosting the party, which the ad suggests (possibly), I wouldn't turn up. For the record, I like to party. That is why I won't drink Heineken or its subsidiaries as punishment.

Bonus Fact: this was written nearly a year ago, and as far as I know I still haven't drunk any Heineken beers, which includes TIGER beer. Lesson learned about me: I am a man of morals (when it comes to terrible ads)

In Praise of #4: The Almond

Another short, food-based In Praise of (more movie ones will come later, I promise.) Today, we honour the mighty almond: Prince of all nuts.

An unassuming drupe, it makes up in flavour what it lacks in aesthetic value. [source]

What is most interesting about an almond is that it isn't technically a nut, it's a drupe (although I'm not sure if anything on earth counts as a nut: peanuts, walnuts and hazelnuts are all technically not nuts!) What is best about the almond is that it has the almost unique ability to improve nearly every single dish on earth, be that dish savoury or sweet.

For example, add almonds to a Greek or Turkish Lamb dish, and the dish goes from being pleasant, to being the best thing on earth. Eat them on their own and they have a high nutritional value and deliver protein efficiently [source]. Add almond paste and almonds to a regular croissant (to make, wait for it, almond croissants) and you have both the least healthy potential breakfast dish ever, and the best tasting dish ever. Seriously, almond croissants are worth the inevitable diabetes you will get.

I was going to put up a picture of almond croissants, but that would make me too hungry. Instead, this is the beautiful almond blossom, which is attractive in the present, and suggests healthy almonds for the future. [source]

The only exception for me is Indian curries. Almonds are used as the base for Pasanda caurries, but they  aren't the best, though they are still ok. However, as the surprisingly thorough Wikipedia Page, says, the humble almond has contributed to nearly all of the best cuisines on earth. Anything which is used to make Lamb Tajine, Amaretto (the best of the wussy drinks), and french Macaroon biscuits, deserves nothing but our praise.

 For that, It's the king of all false nuts. Long live this usurper king!

In Praise of #3: The Belchin' Belgian: Belgian Beers.

Beer, beer beer beer BEER! Beer is great. Strong beer is greater. Belgian Beers are the greatest. I think most of these are Trappist, but I'm not sure what the distinction or definition of that is, but I know it has something to do with monks. Once you get above 8% strength, just drinking a couple gets you such a mellow, chilled drunk-ness that you just smile like a foreign exchange student. Even when some fat Brummie couple come up and smack your friend on the side of the head, your faith in humanity will be at an all-time high. All of the following will get you drunk, and all kick ass, so don't take the order too seriously. Also, Chimay isn't there, because there are too many different variations, but they're all worth a go too.

5. Forbidden Fruit - 8.8%

[source]

She's a beauty: a dark lustrous minx who'll fuck you up in no time. This is incidentally is what I look for in a woman. Tasty, exotic, and you really struggle to get it in Australia (when you do it's not cheap.) What's more, it has a picture of Adam tempting Eve with a beer on the front, which is both delicious and sacrilegious (sacrilicious?)

4. Duvel - 8.5%

[source]

This is good because it is close to ubiquitous in the United Kingdom. Any large supermarket will have this and at least one colour Chimay to help whet your Belgian beer beak. It's probably too strong a flavour to really enjoy, but luckily you only need a couple to induce a sense of wellness which is just swell.

When chilled correctly , it has a strong, refined taste. However, if you drink it warm, or even tepid, it tastes of iron mixed with sweat. Also, in supermarkets it went from £1.29 to £2.09 overnight, which means it's no longer a cheap swilling option, but a symbol of your refinement and culture (until you swill it in the middle of the street). This price rise on its own would be enough for me to condemn the libdem-conservative alliance, without even considering the awful things they are doing to the country.

3. Delirium Tremens 9.0%

[source] 

I love this, especially as you mainly get it in cool bars. The bottle is made of porcelain or something, and I actually have one of the glasses (which was NOT stolen from an Amsterdam bar). The beer itself is super strong, and does effect you on a serious level. I also love the fact that it's named after a side-effect of alcohol abuse. The pink and blue colour scheme adds to the delight, and the pink elephant motif is great fun, reminding everyone of Dumbo, and bringing a tear to their cragged, beer-stained faces. It's probably the logo I would most likely get tattooed (which still won't happen, as I have a personality.) 

On closer inspection, it looks kind of scary. [source]

2. Tripel Karmaliet 8.0%

[source]

Another beer with its own cool glass to drink from. A rarity factor in the U.K. means searching for it brings a whole 'thrill of the chase' aspect. Of the five I've listed, this probably has the best flavour, strong but tender, with a caramel scent (which I suppose is what the 'Karmaliet' means). It also has a cool, simple, rustic artwork on it: A joy.

1. Kwak 8.4%

[source]

This is the king, I suppose, the flavour is as good as the others, the odour is distinctly almond-ey, which is a great thing. What pushes it to the top for me is the vaguely medical-looking stand and glass that you drink it from (i.e. see above). It's awesome to the point that I actually have one, a box set with beer stand, another thing which should prevent me from ever getting laid again, luckily I'm tall. Still, a great beer, and probably Belgium's greatest contribution to culture.