Lone Wolf and Cub: Parts 4 - 6

Hello and welcome back to my reviews of Lone Wolf and Cub. The first three I've already run through here, how will the last three pan out? Let's read on to find out.

4 - ‘The One With The Hot Tattooed Chick’

[aka 'Baby Cart In Peril'] (1972)

 As my title suggests, this is probably the best one in terms of story. The Wolf is charged to kill a female assassin, shown dispatching five guards in the first minute (!) of the movie, all the while fighting with bare, magnificent, tattooed breasts. Talk about catching the attention. It turns out that she’s tattooed herself with terrifying creatures in order to dazzle an opponent and allow her to deliver the final blow. It turns out she has one particular man in mind: A sinister fellow, only introduced late on, who had in the past hypnotized our anti-heroine using a flaming sword, and then raped her while she was unconscious. Before we can get to this vengeance story, the Cub encounters one of the Wolf's Nemesis, a man who jostled for political position with him before his exile. He still bears a grudge after the Wolf beat him in a sword battle long ago. He thinks he was cheated and demands a rematch: he has his arm cut off for his troubles.

Silhouettes on a bridge, just prior to duelling.

The Wolf meets with the tattooed woman, and they share a ceremonial bath together. She dispatches more assassins, before the guy with the flaming sword returns, threatening to finish the job this time. To regain her virtue, she kills him, dazzling him with a tattooed boob, before throwing a knife into his skull.

That's his flaming sword. Surprisingly, he's even creepier without the bleeding knife in his forehead.

Sated, she finally fights the Wolf, who dutifully kills her. After this, a bizarre hostage scene, and a lot of laughs, an army of assassins is dispatched to kill the wolf. The battle, waged in a quarry and some trenches, leaves our hero injured and exhausted.

Another great final battle, they're all very intense, yet well-filmed.

 The Cub, shown standing bravely before the Wolf's nemesis earlier, now offers support to his injured father. He's following the way of Hell as the Wolf wants him to. As the Wolf stumbles off, dripping with blood, his nemesis, seen from a horse above the corpse-strewn quarry, grudgingly admits his respect. He vows to have his revenge, but isn't seen again.

5 – ‘The One Where The Cub Gets Whipped' [aka 'Baby Cart In the Land of Demons'] (1973)

 Our hero is conned into accepting his 500 ryo assassination fee from five inept fighters willing to sacrifice their lives and 100ryo each for no real reason. Apparently the real heir is kept in a tower while his half-sister is presented as the real son; this OBVIOUSLY isn't right, and so they all have to die: a document which tells all this has to be intercepted. In case you haven't realised, the story is pretty much irrelevant. Again the cub goes off on his own, this time to get tied up and a public whipping from a group of police figures trying to catch a pickpocket, whom the Cub is honour-bound to protect.

Strange how some things are the same in all cultures...

His samurai sensibilities mean that he won’t give up who he is protecting, and so he takes a beating. The crowd, on his side, pat him on his (red raw) back as he leaves. Prior to the final battle the wolf does an incredible assassination under a boat, and then is forced to fight on the shore covered only in what looks like kitchen roll around his waist.

Ahh...so that's what every woman in the series so far has been attracted to.

Similarly, this movie marks the first time that we have seen the pram on skis, an excellent upgrade, and one which comes in very handy in the 6th movie (below). Less interesting, though still really interesting, the final battle is unique as the Wolf is joined for the first time by effective allies, whom he later has to kill in the palace. The fraudulent family dead, and his obligations settled, he and his son sail off into the distance. Leaving only a woman who has commit Seppuku, to stay loyal to her now-dead boss, on the shore.

I'm mainly joking around in these reviews, but the stories are strong (in a nonsense kind of way), the fight scenes great, and the cinematography is often very impressive. This is a scene from the very end of the film.

6 – The One With Zombies, and Battle On The Freakin’ Snow. [aka 'White Heaven In Hell'] (1974)

 This is the final one, and the movie with the highest body count in the entire series, at least according to the not-at-all psychopathic www.moviebodycounts.com. However, the story is probably the worst. Our one-eyed enemy, about to lose political influence because he can’t kill the Wolf, sends his tough, fighting daughter to kill him.

She's not showing off, that guy did volunteer to try to kill her...

However, same as the previous 800+ people who tried to kill the Wolf, she can't either, and is killed. That means that Our Wolf has now killed his Retsudo's 5 sons and a daughter. There is still one daughter, a more attractive one, who unlike her boss-eyed sister, had presumably been earmarked for modelling rather than fighting.

Yeah, no fighting for her.

Old Retsudo, in desperation, goes to his maniac illegitimate half-son for help. He was brought up in the mountains by a group who practice black magic, they know how to burrow through the ground like worms to kill almost at will. They also have zombies which are nearly indestructible. Call me crazy, but I would have turned to that son first. Inevitably, the Wolf tricks them all into an honourable fight. After dispatching with the zombies, the Wolf and the Son of Retsudo talk, and find they are kindred spirits stuck in a life of violence. They agree to a fair duel, which leaves the half-son is mortally wounded,

Their final duel (which looks like a Testament album cover).

As he is dying, he is raced across the land to rape his sister and thus continue the family bloodline. I wish that I was joking when I said that; luckily, old one-eye is on hand to kill them both (though why he kills the daughter is beyond me). Resultantly, the obligatory army is brought out for the final battle of the series, this time on ice! A lot of the soldiers are on skis, others are on sleds.

I think this is the biggest army for the final battle of them all, it's certainly the 'coolest'...

A surprisingly camp battle ensues on the snow.The armoured pram, now with skis, helps to dish out death to the skiing masses. Our hero nearly gets close enough to Retsudo to kill him, but he escapes. Bruised and battered, the Wolf watches his nemesis escape into the snowy distance, each promising to kill the other one day. The Wolf gathers up his son, and continues on his way.

Ice in the beard + a naysaying lackey = bad day for Retsudo

This may be a little disappointing as a conclusion for the series, however there is a mitigating factor: the music. In this installment, funk and Japanese disco are merged to create some kind of super-music. Also, I've also just found out that the half-son, the who practices witchcraft, is played by the Isao Kimura, the youngest, most love-struck of the 'Seven Samurai' - what a wonderful world we live in)

Awesome shot, but filmed from the perspective of a man retreating by sled.

In summary: Despite the utterly unsatisfying conclusion, this series is definitely worth your time. If your concentration span only reaches 80 minutes, and you can’t function without needless violence, nudity and awesome samurai skills, then these movies are for you. The movies have become influential, and have gathered a huge, and justified, cult success. Even if you’re blind, the music is incredible, mixing contemporary 70s disco with traditional Japanese instruments. One of the people in the gang in the first episode was played by Yunosuke Ito, the guy who hijacked the bus in 'The Man who Stole the Sun' (which is mentioned  here, go on, CLICK IT!). Over 800 people are killed throughout the series, and it provides a critique of violence in movies (possible) while both celebrating and de-glamorising the Samurai code. If none of the factors I've mentioned interest you, then as far as I’m concerned you’re nothing.

Highly Recommended.