Lone Wolf and Cub: Parts 1 - 3

I have only seen 4 Star Wars movies; I have seen four Indiana Jones movies, although I don't like to talk about the last one. The same goes with one of the three Godfather movies. Alongside that, 1 Bond Film, 1 Rocky film, and 2 Harry Potter Movies were enough to not make me want to watch any others. As you can see, I, Pascal, tend not to watch entire series of movies. Therefore, the record for the most number of movies in a series belongs to the 'Lone Wolf and Cub' Series. It's a samurai saga based on a manga book I haven't read. The first four movies in the cycle were released in the same year. Think about that. Despite what you're thinking, I, Pascal, have a girlfriend, and have done for years. The following article was published in a movie fanzine my friend writes. It is presented as it was before, with pictures taken from screengrabs (which are such a pain in the hole to get, and they don't even come out very clearly). For the sake of convenience I will split these reviews up into two parts. Enjoy parts 1 -3 here.

Lone Wolf and Cub: 3 Brief Reviews

Tomisaburo Wakayama as the gruff, murderous single-parent and 'Lone Wolf' Itto Ogami [source]

I’m so white that I don’t need x-rays to see my bones, but I have been to Japan. This alone makes me qualified to review all 6 of the ‘Lone Wolf and Cub’, or ‘Babycart’ movies. The series follows the titular Lone Wolf, Itto Ogami, an exiled samurai betrayed and turned assassin for hire, and the Cub, his child. Exiled and masterless, the two travel Japan, the cub pushed around in a heavily armed and armoured pram, or ‘Babycart’ if you will. Together, over 1000 on-screen deaths and the madness that usually accompanies a 1970s Japanese movie led to the series being banned by Thatcher’s ‘Video Nasty’ campaign. Here, a bunch of over-privileged, easily-offended politicians worked themselves into a frenzy of being outraged. After many monocles were dropped into gin and tonics, this series, and any number of classic (and not so-classic) movies were deemed illegal, before our wonderful leaders indulged in a fox hunt, peasant hunt or ordered miner’s strikes to be met with violence. To be fair to old Iron-box, it’s not hard to see why it would have put Thatchers massive bouffant in a frizz. The threat of rape and coerced sex permeates the entire series. Nudity and extreme violence are commonplace; at the end of most episodes, the assassin, (a gruff, unfit looking Japanese bloke) has a showdown with up to 200 faceless killers is undertaken without emotion. Throughout his wanderings, he meets the characters indicative of a broken-down society, honorable samurai cast out by their corrupt retainers, women turned to prostitutes after their family is killed, and violent mercenaries. The whole series has the lingering aroma of corruption and violence.

  More troublesome aspects include the notions of seppuku to retain honour, torture (particularly of the cub: the assassins son). Unusually for movies of the period, there is ‘blood,’ ‘flying limbs,’ and ‘naked people.’ On the other hand, the films have genuine cinematic highlights and are rightly revered by film-buffs: people you wouldn’t want to meet. The violence is stylisitic, the plots usually at least interesting (if not a little insane); Retsudo, the nemesis of the Wolf, a one-eyed man who looks like Santa on smack, is certainly memorable, and his sanity declines as the assassin dispatches all six of his sons, as well as a daughter. The series moral standard is the relationship between the lone wolf and his cub which is dealt with in a stern, yet tender way. The music genuinely has to be heard to be heard (or something). The lead women in any of the movies tend to be that most covetous of creatures ‘busty Asian chicks,’ and unusually sympathetic characters for contemporary Japanese movies. They also spend a lot of time naked. Coincidentally, the movies are a huge cult hit, with fans including Samuel L. Jackson, and are popular on DVD. The series should also become available in New Zealand on VHS within the next century or so. The following is a review of the six movies in ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’ style episode titles, because the actual titles are so misleading as to cause head-explosion. Also, I haven’t looked at wikipedia or anything, so the plots that I have remembered may be a little off… [N.B. Were added by publisher]

1 – ‘The One With The Thermal Spa’ 

[aka 'Sword of Vengeance'] (1972)

  A lot of scene setting here; and though this is relative, the least number of deaths in any of the movies. The Wolf is the chief executor for some local Daimyo, and is betrayed for a decision he made. His wife killed, he is lucky to escape with his son. But who ordered this senseless murder?

Answer: this guy:Retsudo, the Wolf's white haired enemy for the series.

Why does he need them all dead? Honour probably. The wolf flees with his son, and pram, to be an assassin, and to eventually get revenge. There is a thought that his son ‘the cub,’ aged about 5 here, is already too old to need a pram to be pushed around, but that’s just nitpicking. The Wolf, already famous as a skilled assassin, keeps on wandering. Retsudo's assassins follow him, but they are dealt with easily.

For example, decapitatedly easily.

Still, we need to know, where will he lay his sweet head? After a time, the two end up in a thermal spa town terrorised by a gang of rape-happy renegades. The wolf’s weapons are stolen so that he can’t fight back, so he bides his time. The gang force him to sleep with the token ‘hooker with the heart of gold.’ This shows his bravery, apparently, arousal becomes impossible with the threat of death. This goes contrary to my viewings of ‘Ghost’ and the criminally under-rated ‘My Ass Is Haunted’ respectively. The prostitute is attractive, and it is implied that she got into the business because her husband and family were killed.

The Wolf, Cub, and prostitute take a relaxing thermal dip. 

Eventually, the Wolf gets his weapons back, and a violent battle rages between himself and the heavily armed gang. Guess who wins? The wolf is killed and the baby eaten in a primitive ritual. Just joking. After the slaughter, the episode ends, as it often does, with the lead woman falling in love with our brave duo and seeking to follow them. Times seem to have changed, but very few women seem to want to stick with me after I've murdered a dozen people in front of them. Instead, the Wolf makes it sure that he prefers the company of a small boy and saunters off without looking back.

2 – ‘The One With The Three Brothers’ 

[aka 'Baby Cart at The River Styx'] (1972)

  Here our gruff hero is charged with killing one of those guys who seems only to be carried around in a palanquin. He is the rightful heir to some important position, and it's important that he is dead. The problem is that he’s protected by three heavily armed brothers with distinctive weaponry who wear giant wooden hats. Though they are deadly, the final battle scene looks like a particularly bloody episode of Bill and Ben the Flowerpot men.

A great shot, which took all of my screen-grabbing skills.

More distracting was the resemblance of the man in the palanquin to a male, Japanese version of England’s own Gemma Arteron (sorry I couldn't get the picture to that!). This is another strong episode of Lone Wolf and Cub, even though the final battle is not as epic as later ones. However, there are numerous showdowns before the final conclusion, and a huge number of limbs severed. A brutal scene at the beginning has a ninja's limbs, ear and nose lopped off by a group of female assassins. There is also a particularly claustrophobic scene where Wolf and Cub escape from a boat-on-fire

Flaming Dreamboat ahoy

After swimming to shore, for the first time the Wolf seems to be exhausted. As he recovers, father and son bond, and deal with assassins, including an odd scene where Wolf, Cub and a female assassin hug naked together for warmth. He recovers, and has the energy to eventually defeat: a convoy of guards, the three brothers, and the palanquin man himself. Out of spite, he also destroys a perfectly good palanquin. Interestingly, there is a woman who attacks our man with a whip, who when sliced at, falls out of her clothes and bounces off backwards in a grey body stocking. Perhaps it’s a Japanese ghost, perhaps an apt metaphor for life itself, either way I'm unsure. Another woman, initially an assassin, again falls for our man, the final scene is her, doe-eyed, looking towards our Wolf, who is heading for the horizon...

What is it with Japanese Chicks and Violent Men?

3 – ‘The One With The Battle In A Quarry’ 

[aka 'Baby Cart To Hades'] (1972)

  This has possibly the finest leading lady of the bunch and the best end fight of them all. This is the first one to show that the kid was getting stronger and the same stoicism as his father figure. However, it is also the most rape-heavy of the bunch. Perhaps it’s Japanese sensibility, but an extended rape of a mother and daughter, followed by a guy being killed by his prostitute, was a bit much for a hungover Sunday morning. Again we find out that she is doing it after losing her family. The Wolf, staying in the same lodgings as her, protects her and defends her honour. A gang which owns her now comes to punish her, but the Wolf is punished in her place; he is beaten and dunked by the gang, but survives without any serious worries.

It does look pretty unpleasant though.

The gang, led by a foxy little creature in short-shorts follows him around, while he also offends a clan by sheltering with an exiled clan of actors. This offended gang gets together with Retsudo's underlings, and they combine forces. A giant army is dispatched to kill the wolf, who’s only weapons are: guile, combat skills and some grenades and guns in the pram which hadn’t been mentioned before.

It's like 300 but on a 1/300 scale.

The end result: a quarry more filled with corpses than the one in Syracuse after the failed invasion by Athens  in 415 B.C. (What? Too soon?). All of the army dead but one, an honourable samurai who was cast out and made a ronin through an uncaring and duplicitous master, he is given 'closure' when he is killed by the Wolf in an honourable duel. The end shows the female gang leader (in the world's shortest shorts), looking to follow the gruff, nearly-silent, overweight mass-murderer...

she's hot, but... that hat?

...but her underlings rightly point out that he’s a monster rather than a man. An accusation that I have had thrown at me, so I sympathise.

Hope you've enjoyed this, Parts 4 - 6 Soon! (Update - Now available here, go ahead, give it a click and while you're at it, why not click one of the tailored ads just below us?

Also, because I've just learned how, here's a video from the Third One: