Facebook Cull: Examined.

I have good friends all over the world, and I know a lot of people in this country. Being a child of this age, despite myself, I realised that I had accumulated a lot of Facebook friends, most of whom I am not in touch with. I decided a cull would be good: a lot of distant family friends, old schoolmates, and various other hangers-on were removed. On top of the more obvious criteria (not talking in years, not liking the person, no idea who person was, etc) The criteria included:

• If you were regularly posting holiday pictures / nightclub photos where I would genuinely rather drink diarrhoea than have been there with them - you're gone. 

• If you are in hundreds of photos of you kissing your partner - you're gone. This also applies to 'love/hate' constantly breaking up couples. That's not even funny anymore.

• If you have a child, and then say something like 'I hate to be one of those parents, but this is so cute!' as they show you a picture of a cross-eyed Mel Smith lookalike glaring towards the camera. I don't mind baby photos (although it does get you a limited friendship), but acknowledging that you are aware of how boring a baby is to anyone but its family, yet still proceding to post about it, that's too much. You're outta here.

Also included is consistent illiterate grammar, (y'ur instead of your and the loose/lose confusion have lost me some good friends) and stupid political posts. I understand peoples political beliefs are important, but a constant, ignorant reposting of something political is worse than apathy in my book. This following post, which escaped the 'Celebrate Thatcher' cull recently, combines poor grammar with inane politics. This distant family friend's post, in regards to Thatcher's death, was one of many which would have got her the friend flick. I quote the post here verbatim:

I wonder how many of the people complaining about Maggie what she did and didn't do actual vote to have there say some liked her some didn't nothing changes same today with the government we have now and yes a lot of people moaning were not even older enough to vote lets worry about the present and let the family grieve in peace think on if it was your mother have some respect the country is in a mess now yes because of bad decisions made on all party's involved my opinion is none of them r any cop maybe its about time we had a people government with real people who live on low wages and understand the real value of having a good standard of live and be allowed to work for a living too many people allowed into the country not enough jobs and also not forgetting that some people will not take jobs because they become worse off then being on benefits, stop people coming into this country who then go straight on our benefit system that we have paid into from working, take a hint from new Zealand or Australia it works for them, internet is destroying the high street and we are all to blame for helping that along before long England will sink and I don't think it is far off x

This is all one sentence. This was signed with a kiss. This had 47 likes. This is no longer a Facebook friend. Needless to say also, anyone playing constant games or listening to spotify so that you have to hear about it on your news feed, are largely gone. 

After all that I'm stuck with only one friend. Me. Not really, but it's good to get rid of some idiots.

Hope you're all fuckin' grand.

Royal Baby, Delivered to Nationwide Hysteria

Look, I hate to complain unnecessarily. Generally, the birth of a new human, is a great thing (actually, with the population over 7 billion, that's not so true anymore), and the birth of this little spud seems to have made a lot of people very happy, that's fair enough. I don't mind it happening, just so long as it's avoidable. At present, it isn't.
The BBC has taken the hysteria of the tax-paid absurdities of the Royal Wedding and the Coronation Anniversary and seemingly doubled it. Yesterday's entire news was over half devoted to it, showing a sycophancy and forelock tugging I would have thought became extinct sometime around the early 20th century. A friend commented that the shoddy production values, lack of analysis and worship (I use that word in its correct sense) of this baby wouldn't have been out of place in North Korea. Huw Edwards smilingly acknowledged that this was 'not real news.' He's right. Even if you are an adamant fan of the royal family, you would have to admit that the birth drove bigger, more important stories from the front pages. The BBC News channel is worse, showing constant trivial chatter, giving airtime instead of a guillotine to an endless parade of self-proclaimed sycophantic experts. This is all combined with a complete lack of interpretation or acknowledgement of other views.

The BBC has a remit to all of us to give impartial, serious, unbiased analysis. It has failed to do so so far. There have been no interviews with the opposing views by Republican groups. None either with groups that claim that a true democracy is one where any person can become anything they want, or that the royal family are an archaic, feudal institution who take vast amounts of tax payers money. No opposing views at all, just worship of a child who happens to have been born to his particular parents. It makes a mockery of journalistic integrity, of democracy, and of the notion of equality making bloodlines unimportant. To top it all off, it is presented in the most fawning, saccharine and shameless way imaginable. I almost feel sorry for the little guy, because if it keeps up like this, his every waking moment will be met by cameras and braying morons in union jack hats. I say almost, until I remember the anachronistic, yet absurd, privilege he and his siblings will enjoy.  

No matter how you feel, you can't help but acknowledge that a mass hysteria has taken over: I didn't expect the BBC to underplay its hand here, but it has gone too far.
I for one am not happy, and I want that to be reflected here.
 
Yours, Pascal.

British Summertime. Weird

It's been hot up here for a sustained period. We're talking 25C or more, every day for at least a couple of weeks. You could add a good 5C extra for the south too. I've never seen anything like it in this country, although it's still a lot cooler than I expect a summer to be. However, it's kind of interesting how the British people take to the Summer.

In Australia, people are fearful of the sun. We've seen what it can do to people, and are pumped full of propaganda to remind us not to burn. I don't think many people in my own generation can hear the words 'slip slop slap, rap' without breaking whatever is in their hands at that moment. But we've all seen people with skin cancer, or a thirty year old woman who looks 90, and take action to avoid that happening to us. That doesn't seem to happen in the United Kingdom. Parks are filled with stripped off office workers sizzling their tattoos. I think because it's so unexpected, people go a little mental. If you only have Summer once a decade, you make it count. I suppose it also saves people money on fake tan, something which is insanely overused by both males and females in the UK.

I also think that people don't know how to dress in the Summer either. I have a theory that nothing I could possibly wear would be inconspicuous. People either dress like they are on holiday in Spain, or just muster up whatever short clothing they can. So, you see men in sandals and socks, or with awful open t-shirts and weird shorts. It's very strange. Women seem to deal with it a little differently, by wearing as little clothing as possible. G-string bikinis in Princes Street Gardens is a pleasant diversion, but not exactly dignified.

Also interesting is the need to have Barbeques, particularly portable ones, which is an odd kind of mania.
Anyway, the whole thing has me intrigued, and the mass mania and purchasing of stuff would be similar to if there was sustained snow in, say, Sydney. People would make quickly melting snowmen in tiny patches of land and buy sleds and hot drinks much to the tutting and bitching of British people over there. There you have it, a perfect analogy.

Anyway, enjoy the sun.

Samurai Guy: Kurosawa's Samurai Movies Part 2.

You've read part one and youve tirelessly watched those four movies. Now, you want more, but where are you going to get it? Right here, that's where!

5. Ran [1985]

Plot In One Sentence: It's King Lear in Japan, as three brothers fight amongst themselves after their father decides to retire from kinghood.
Thoughts: Possibly one of the most brutal, beautiful movies ever made. The costumes, sets, and cinematography really have to be seen to be believed. Watched on a big screen it's almost achingly gorgeous. The action scenes are brutal and exquisite, and are wonderful displays of costumed man-management. This on its own makes it worth seeing. The DVD extra feature I have on this, a making of, is one of the few I've ever seen which makes me more in awe of the achievements in the movie. The costumes were individually stitched from silk to match the time period.

There are several versions of the DVD, all of which have pretty striking covers.

 The battles involved literally thousands of costumed extras, and the sets were solid enough to withstand an actual siege. It's an amazing, technicolour achievement, but there are some downsides. Some of the acting is less than compelling (I'm looking at you faggy* jester guy) it also features the worst female character in any movie ever, not just a Kurosawa movie. The title of Ran means Chaos, or upheaval, and the utter misery of the conclusion leaves a sour taste behind. This is probably one of the ten movies to see before you die, although it's hard to see it more than a few times, despite the stunning beauty of some scenes.  

 6. Sanjuro [1962]

Plot In One Sentence: A sequel (possibly) to Yojimbo, as a grizzled ronin helps out a group of 12 hopeless, young samurai against a corrupt lord.
Thoughts: This is a good, surprisingly funny adventure movie. However it is hampered by two incompetent Kurosawa women, who are just idiots in this movie. Also not helping are the 12 conspirator samurai, who never make any right decisions and bicker like schoolchildren. This is played a little too frequently to just be for laughs. This is a loose sequel to Yojimbo, in that it features a grizzled, lazy, highly skilled, but unnamed samurai played by Toshiro Mifune.

Who is, judging by this poster, 20 feet tall.

Largely it's a light-hearted romp, held together by the towering central forces of Nakedai and Mifune. Their performances in particular raise this from pedestrian Summer-fare to something more enthralling. The fact that the conclusion is mentioned in any review you read, including this one, and features only the two of them, is proof of their performances. Funny, and then tense, and entertaining, but not the best of the Samurai movies. Still worth watching though.

7. Kagemusha [1980]

Plot In One Sentence: A thief acts as a doppleganger for a shogun during the era of warring states.
Thoughts: I watched this again recently, having dismissed it previously. It follows a warrior clan in the warring era, and yet shows very little action,. We're shown troops besieging, or leaving battlefields, or grouped en masse, but most of the action remains offscreen. The result is we deal with the human effect of constant war, giving the feel of an intimate epic. I was very impressed with it on the second viewing. There are some brilliant scenes, such as the massed army marching past the sun, or the march past of the shadow warrior, passing his massed troops, but which we view from above next to some enemy spies.

Kurosawa's own artwork, which looks not dissimilar to things I draw while on the phone.

The sets and costumes, and ambitions show this to be almost a training version of Ran, but in a way it's a more satisfying movie than that. The shadow warriors death / suicide at the movie's conclusion is a choice, and gives him a sense of honour, despite his former clan being entirely wiped out. Compare this to the unneccesarry killing of the last son in Ran, and this choice makes it a little less nihilistic, despite the devastation. Kagemusha is a little overlong perhaps, and there are some weak scenes, such as the Shinto-inspired dream sequence. Scenes with the shadow warrior bonding with the child are also irritating at times. . Still, this is a remarkably epic, beautifully shot movie which is underrated, especially by myself. I also like that the doppleganger is twice outed by a horse, as the people are unaware. As much as Kurosawa hated women, he loved horses.

8. Hidden Fortress [1958]

Plot In One Sentence: Two peasants trapped in enemy territory, help a general and their princess to transport gold back to their home region
Thoughts: My DVD of this has arch film revisor George Lucas explain that the plot is the first of its kind, and that it influenced the telling of the original Star Wars. Notably, it lets the story unfold from the point of view of two seemingly superfluous, lower-class characters, much like C-3P0 and R2D2. Other than that, it would probably have faded into insignificance. Toshiro Mifune is an imposing character here, but he's given little to do, and the most important character in the piece, the princess, is just terrible.

We like short-shorts, now stop asking!

 I read somewhere that she didn't act again after it, and I can kind of see why, she's pretty enough, and isn't a terrible character, but seems to equate screaming with acting. The purpose of the movie is to prevent her capture, but she's such a pain that I wouldn't have minded at all if she had been taken, kicking and screaming. This is largely light-hearted, but with some tense moments, and a relative lack of action. The scene at the fire sequence is good too. Overall, this is the least imperative of the Kurosawa samurai movies, and even that still influenced Star Wars. That in itself is probably more impressive than the movie.

So there you have it, 8 - EIGHT! - samurai movies to get on with. Lucky you. Hope you're all fantastic.

*Please note, I'm using faggy here in the sense of 'messing around incompetently and constantly', not the homosexual insult. I am typically loathe to use the word, but this guy gives me little choice.

Sports and Homosexuality, How to live your life.

Yes, British and Irish Lions won the series. On balance, the players deserved it, although the third match could have easily been a dead rubber. I'm, also up on that idea in that the loss got rid of Robbie Deans, and also kept the worst 20,000 or so people out of the U.K. for a few months. (I'm back in the U.K. incidentally). So that's fine. Also, today, England (with some South African allies) beat Australia in a tight, entertaining test match. That's good too. What I'm less impressed with is the attitude of people I meet. Yes, I do sound Australian. Yes, I did personally lose the particular match for my country. Fair enough. There's being gracious in victory and there's being churlish, and a lot of people I meet these days stray firmly into churlish territory. A lot of people, particularly English people, don't make it easy to like them, and as I'm in Scotland again, that's not a good sign for this ridiculous independence campaign.

I've found that the best way to counter it is not to joke, or get angry, but to act completely uninterested, which - luckily- I usually am. It's also a good way to counter lesbians. I've talked before (find link) about how I know a few gay men who don't mention their homosexuality at all, for them it's a private part of their lives, and that's cool. Over the last few years, however, I've met a lot of girls and the only thing they talk about is their sexuality. I think it's genuinely down to attention seeking, or possibly insecurity. I used to say things like "I'm from Sydney, you'd need to be a lot prettier or a lot uglier to even catch my eye as a lesbian," but now I just act the same, uninterested way, conversations, for example, going, "Hi I'm Pascal" "I'm lesbian" "yeah, what's your job?" It works a treat on people, I guess, seeking a shock value or congratulations on how they live their lives. It's a great way to disappoint someone and move a conversation on.

In conclusion, living in Britain is making me uninterested in the human condition.

Hope you're all enjoying this lovely weather.

Things Which Are Annoying (AKA Stop Pronouncing Words Like a Cunt)

I met someone today called Tuppence. That's right, Tuppence. This might be a good name, for say, a Dickensian love interest, or a Hobbit, but for a human being in the 21st century it did nothing but remind me of Britain's still rigid class system. It also didn't help that she was a complete asshole. Someone told me also that there is a reasonably famous actress called 'Tuppence Middleton,' That's not cool. 

Neither are people who say 'cringe'  - it's a stupid word said by stupid people.

Let's not forget adults who describe food as 'yuckie.' Grow the fuck up.

While I'm on the topic, I'm getting pretty sick of the way that some people pronounce words in this country. A friend makes fun of the way that I say 'Cancer,' and I hate the way that some people pronounce:

'Cous cous' as KOOZ KOOZ

Sushi as SOOSHI

Dance as DAHNS

Tonga as TONG-GAH, even if a genuine Tongan person is there telling them how to pronounce it properly.

Horrible as 'ORRIBLE

Buffet as BUFF-FAY, because that's EXACTLY how French people say it.

All of these are excusable except the kind of assholes who say them are usually posh pricks on a train who speak far too loudly when you're too hungover to function anyway. Don't be a prick, and if you are, pronounce words properly. Fuck you.

Also troubling is the continued use of MA-REE-YO, instead of Mario, in Super Mario ads. He's italian for fucks sake. Stop saying it like that. 

Other than that, hope everyone is fine.

Samurai Guy: Kurosawa's Samurai Movies Part 1.

An easy one here: If you've not seen any Kurosawa Samurai movies, and you need somewhere to start, follow this list. If you want, you can overlook the following movies importance to Japanese cinema and world cinema, the hidden subtexts or the influence that they've had, or the filmic techniques. You cannot, however, overlook them as great movies. I'll do them in the order you should see them, and will try to avoid spoilers as far as I can, but I'd say just get watching.

1. Yojimbo [1961]

Plot In One Sentence: A grizzled ronin plays two warring gangs off each other in a miserable town.
Thoughts: The loose plot of this was taken from some American crime procedural, and this movie then 'inspired' the 'A Fistful of Dollars' which copies it almost scene for scene. Yojimbo (the bodyguard) is a straight-forward action movie, with some hidden meanings and motivations visible on second viewings. Toshiro Mifune is terrific as the titular bodyguard, a grizzled anti-hero, lazy but exceptionally skilled as a swordsman. The support cast, composed of many of Kurosawa's regulars, are great too. It's visually distinctive, and at times darkly amusing: for example, the arresting sight of a dog trotting happily along carrying a human hand in its mouth, or the dashing of expectations as we are told of the skill of another swordsman, whose only appearance is to show him waving goodbye as he escapes the town forever.

Probably a little too much going on in this one too.

Also interesting is the position of women- surely a thesis is waiting to be written on Kurosawa and woman- in Yojimbo they are either prostitutes, or the wife of one of the gang leaders. One wife in particular effectively leads the gang herself: she is scheming, vicious and violent, she's one of the most unsympathetic charcters in a movie filled with them. The set, namely the broad, wind-swept high street of the town, is great, and Tatsuya Nakadai is also good as a nefarious, gun-wielding villain. This is a a good, solid, tightly-plotted, visually-striking and brilliantly directed action movie, one which only the most racist or stupid of people would say is bad. That's why it's a great starting point for Kurosawa movies.

2. Throne of Blood [1957]

Plot In One Sentence: In this MacBeth-in-Japan, a warrior learns his fate and does his best to avoid it. 
Thoughts: This is probably as good a version of MacBeth as you'll ever see, and there's not a word of English in it. While there are some aspects which are dated- such as the sound effects of the witches laughter, or the nightjars -  it still perfectly encapusaltes the dilemma of MacBeth accepting or denying his fate. Of particular note is some of the cinematography, and obviosuly the plot, which meshes MacBeth perfectly with Samurai Japan. While the action typically only obliquely viewed, we see people rushing from to or coming from battles, battlefields after the action, or get ongoing updates from various messengers, the movie as a whole still seems action packed and the threat of violence is alluded to right until the bloody finale.

Not a great DVD cover, but who cares about DVD covers? Not I.

The finale, memorable for its sea of trees, and the firing of arrows at Mifune as MacBeth, was apparently filmed using genuine arrows, so that the look of fear on Mifune's face would seem genuine. It certainly worked. On top of that are some great uses of mist and fog, some atmospheric Japanese castles and sets, great costumes, and some great scenes, which make it seem so authentic. What's also interesting is that the equvalent of Lady McBeth is now even less sympathetic than she was in Shakespeare, now more than a mere suggestive influence, but the force which makes him act. It's held together through captivating performances and atmosphere. A truly brilliant movie, and a truly brilliant version of MacBeth.

3. Seven Samurai [1954]

Plot in One sentence: A poor illage enlists seven samurai to help fight a group of bandits.
Thoughts: This was the first Kurosawa movie I'd seen, and it was like staring at the sun. I didn't mind or even notice its 31/2 hour plot. I seriously must have seen it like 10 times, and will happily watch it again soon. It's still brilliant, amazingly shot, with all the characters wonderful and characterised in a realistic manner. The action scenes are also beyond compare. It is both epic and intimate. It's a masterpiece.

This, colourful abomination, however, isn't. Oh, what a bitch I am.

 Now however, I've noticed some problems: some of the 'comedy' scenes, and the romance in particular, haven't lasted the test of time. I'm also struck by the notion that the bandits surely must have realised that they could have ransacked somewhere else until the samurai left that town. However, perhaps that's the point - everyone involved is tied into their roles: as villagers, as samurai, as bandits, and there would be no point resisting that. However, that, and its place at the top of the best movies of all time list mean that it shouldn't be the first one you see, because it's likely to taint your views if you don't like it as much. Some of the comedy scenes don't go so well, but it's filled with memorable images speeches, and battle scenes. The final battle, in the rain, is one of the saddest, most epic in all of cinema. Stunning.

4. Rashomon [1950]

Plot In One Sentence: A murder and possibly a rape take place, and we gain conflicting views of how it happened through various interviews with those involved. 
 Thoughts: This was the movie which shot Kurosawa to fame internationally, winning the Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival. It has been remade as a western, and has given us the term 'Rashomon Effect' to describe any movie with unreliable narraotrs, or when the truth is uncertain. Obvious examples include The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, or Memento.

Yeah this is the best I could find at the moment.

It's a great piece of film history,  but it's not quite as entertaining as some of his later works. The part with the child at the end is also a little saccharine. Despite this, it's more than interesting,  as it has some good performances and cinematography, there is a reason that the 'walk through the woods' is so well remembered. However, although it is great, I view it as more of a 'sign of things to come' both from Kurosawa and Mifune in particular.

If that's whet your appetite, the next four are coming up soon. lucky you guys! For those wondering, I won't include 'The Men Who Tread On The Tiger's Tail,' because it's bad even by propaganda standards.