'Of Blood' movies, discussed and ranked.

Hello! So, because of the life I lead now, I realised that a lot of movies have been called 

'[Blank] of Blood.' 

I've seen a couple, but I did some research into others that I haven't. Let's discuss 'em, then I'll give some suggestions of my own '...of blood' movies. As a note, it has to end in 'of blood,' and nothing else. So go back to hell, pirates of blood island and your ilk! First, let's look at the two that I have seen: 

Throne of Blood 

 

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Which may well be my favourite Akira Kurosawa movie, and it’s up there with the most metal movies of all time. It’s Samurai Macbeth, and it’s amazing. Enough of my yakkin', go check it out (and give it five minutes or so, ok?)  

Theater Of Blood 

 

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  Is the movie that made me realise the formula of the title. The movie is fine, just fine, and even Vincent Price is fine in it, and usually I find him kind of ludicrous. 

The following 9, which I haven’t seen, are to be ranked as to how interesting they seem by the title. I’ll then look up the posters and add them, and see if the  poster matched the title. There’s a chance I’ll watch some of these, so I won’t read the plots right away. I'm guessing there will be a lot of horror movies there though. Let's begin, shall we?

1.Beast of Blood - 

 

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Which is a good name for a horror movie. It seems to be a monster feature, and with the alliteration of the name, that's pretty interesting. I was wondering whether it's a beast made of blood, or it's a beast for blood - i.e. it's lusting after blood - until I saw the poster. From that image, it needing blood, and presumably drinking it, would be a messy proposition indeed, seeing as his head isn't attached to his neck.

2. A Bucket Of Blood

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A whole bucket of blood? How intriguing. I guess that this was either about a murderous cult, which requires buckets of blood for its evil shenanigans..., or a slapstick comedy involving a clumsy waiter trying not to spill gallons of blood. From the poster, I guess it's closer to the second one. I’ll let you know. 

3. Bordello of Blood - 

 

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Just for the record, bordello means brothel – which means that this particular brothel is closed for most of the month. I imagine the story is about vampire prostitutes, a less crazy version of From Dusk ‘Till Dawn. It’s a good title because it’s: insane, sexy, and alliterative, a little like myself.  

Looking at the poster, it's a little too knowing, and is thus likely to be not as good as it should be. Also, is that that skeleton head from Tales From the Crypt? Let's say yes and move on. 

4. Queen of Blood - 

[source]

Is it about a lady Vampire? I’m in. Is it about political intrigue where a woman kills everyone to gain power? Also in. Giant Green spider woman ruining a trapeze artists act, like the movie suggests? Still interesting, but in a different way. 

5. Streets of Blood

 

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Streets of Blood is either:
                        
                         - a hard-hitting, violent street gang movie
or
                         - The movie which finally gets Val Kilmer and 50 cent on screen together. 

Unfortunately it's the latter. Looks as generic as they come, and shot for less than a dollar.

6. The Tree of Blood

 

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Another disappointment for me here. I assumed this was about a tree used in sacrifices, or at least a haunted tree. Instead this movie seems to suggest the 'of blood' being in terms of familial blood. Not interested in watching this couple fuck a tree.   

7. Volumes of Blood

 

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Pretty unremarkable title there. The only ambiguity is about the word 'volume' : if its the amount, that’s a clumsy title. A very small amount could be a volume, technically - and no one cares about a drop of blood. If it’s about the books, and it was about a guy going mad whilst researching and writing about blood diseases, for example, that would be pretty cool. It would certainly be a better movie than this poster seems to suggest.

8. Corridors of Blood 

 

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You'll realise that the least interesting room in a building is a corridor. Kitchens, Living Rooms, Basements, even bedrooms... of blood would at least be a more arresting title (especially bedrooms). Despite the title, this looks like a legitimate movie, with a good cast, and I might check that out.

9. Evidence of Blood

 

 [source]

A bad title. Evidence of blood is a bad name for anything. There should be more than mere evidence of blood for any crime worth its salt. If it's related to anything else (family ties, etc) it could be put differently. This looks like it'll be hard work to sit through.

That’s enough, I couldn’t find any others – and even Throne of Blood is just a translation which doesn’t reflect the original Japanese. So, here are some suggestions for all you budding filmmakers out there: 

rivers of blood would be a good title, but Fascists have taken it, like they have so many things.

feast of blood  A horror movie about cannibals, easy. 

oceans of blood a historical biography about Mongols reaching a sea which is red from iron deposits, and assuming it is the blood of the enemies they have slain.

Bonds of blood could be about a number of things, a documentary about the slave trade. A bromance between two people (50 cent and Val Kilmer, for example), or a documentary about shitty high school metal bands, one of which is named for the title.

Eyes of blood In a movie that is maybe a metaphor for puberty, a kid’s eyes start bleeding whenever he’s highly emotive.

 99 bottles of blood I guess there have been too many horror ideas, so this is a town’s struggle to get blood donations after a nearby accident.

Balloons of Blood - is about clowns. And following from It, it wouldn’t need to be scary or funny to be a huge success.

There you go guys, hope you're all living your best lives.

Taiwanese Baseball Teams, evaluated

Want to visit somewhere cool that’s moderately off the beaten track, and that won’t make you feel sick thinking about the ethics of the people in charge? Visit Taiwan. It’s like China if you took away the weird, aggrieved communism and added some Japanese coolness. 

There’re a lot of reasons to go there. One of the less compelling reasons to go there is the love people have for baseball. Seeing this picture...

Some images just don't need context. N.B it's wearing a Corona-mask [link]

...of a salmon-head mascot reminded me reminded me about the baseball league, which is popular, but not without controversies. All the information is coming from this page here, so let’s get on with it!

Of course, there are 5 defunct ones, so let's rank them first, they're named as (the area or company that they represent) The Team Name

5. (dmedia) T-Rex 

This league started around the era of Jurassic Park, and much like the Toronto Raptors, is pretty obvious in appealing to that zeitgeist. Don’t get me wrong, T-Rexes are cool, but naming a team after them is pretty dull. Naming a team after a dinosaur famous for having tiny arms is just folly. It's no surprise that they're defunct. It was the hubris that killed it.

4. (China Times) Eagles  

Not bad. No one can fault you for choosing a predatory bird as a team name. The other day I just happened to see a sparrowhawk catch a sparrow, and it was just perfection in motion. Still, it's a good name, but there are better ones ahead. A shout out to the abstract alternative logo, too.

3 (Mercuries) Tigers  

 Another fine choice. Tigers are good luck in East Asian culture, and they’re beautiful. They’re bad luck to encounter in real life, and presumably on the baseball diamond (until they went bust, presumably). A solid choice.

2 (Macoto) Cobras  

A good name, a good logo. Can’t argue with that. I'd be very interested to see the mascot (a search yielded nothing Safe for work).

1 (Chinatrust) Whales

I’m a fan of this as a team name. Whales are pretty useless in a baseball sense, but the name is just weird enough to like it. This is the best so far. Also interesting is this possibly fan-made team logo,

 Which is cute. That's it for the defunct teams.

As we pause to remember those who have passed, let's celebrate the ones which are still there:  

 5. (Fubon) Guardians 

solid, but uninspired. I would have liked to have made that knight's helmet be more baseball-y. History suggests that they used to be known as the rhinos, and as the bears, both of which would be cooler. 

4. (Uni-President) Lions 

 I've put both logos there to show the mix of thought in Taiwanese society. One is hard and ferocious, the other is cute and kawai! Both aren't great. As a team name, it's just too boring. Again, Lions are fine, but there’s nothing inspired.

3. (wei Chuan) Dragons  

As a name, it's solid, though uninspired. I get it. I'm intrigued by the logo though, as his horns are incorporated into his helmet. Interesting.

2.(CTBC) Brothers 

 Brothers is a weird name for a team, and so it's worth remembering that this is 'the Elephant Brothers.' Elephants is a cool name for sure, and the term brothers is very enigmatic too. Good.

1.(Rakuten) Monkeys

Good. The name is great for a team. It's fun, interesting and uncommon. That’s what we should be after. Look at the logo above. And then look at the logo below. Which is better? You decide.

 Which is awesome. In conclusion, of the 5 best names, only 2 of them are still around.

P.S. I haven't updated this blog in many years. Welcome back me. More news soon.