Shattered Illusions (Dreamgirl edition)

Nothing is worse than the misery you experience after relying on false hope. The following are the most significant bummers I have ever had, starting with an experience today which inspired this list (of three, so hardly a list at all.)

1. Today I had a meeting with a team from Glasgow. When we met them (there were three of us, and four of them) we were to take them to lunch. When we first met, the three of the others were there, and we were waiting for the fourth member of their team, who was catching a later train. We had settled down to an expensive but mediocre meal, and it was as pleasant as can be hoped for. Then, at the front of the restaurant a beautiful woman came and was pointed towards our table. She was gorgeous, and had it going on. She was an almost ideal specimen. I was imagining what our children would look like when she was introduced and asked me, in the thickest Glasweigan accent ever "yous arite 'n' tha'?" which shattered the dream. Dream denied.

2. Next one I can think of. I was going to see an opera in rural England where my parents used to live. It was fine (actually, it was dubbed into English which made it ridiculous), and everyone in the party found the lead female singer a bit of a dish. She was very pretty, and had a pleasingly quivery bosom whenever she sang. It was all right. Anyway, I went for a walk around the place at the interval, and caught her coming out of her trailer, smoking a cigarette, shrieking down the phone to someone to "shut the fuck up", over and over again. Dream denied? Possibly, but it didn't stop me enjoying the rest of the opera.

3. And finally, this, the biggest disappointment of all (in terms of dream girls - outside of love there's a lot of disappointment too, but you don't want to hear about that). I was in Paris meeting my brother, and it was Springtime. It was perfect, we were enjoying life, and I was wearing a new, very fashionable French shirt and feeling great. We stopped off for an ice cream in a cafe, and sat next to one of those extraordinarily beautiful French women you get. as my brother went off, I started talking, and had my dream shattered like a Chinese artifact in the cultural revolution (BAM!). Long story short, no matter how hot you are, you can't EVER get away with leaving a cigarette in your mouth while you eat cake and talk to me. The most significant bummer in my romantic life.

In conclusion. It's always the most beautiful dream girls who hurt you the most.

Super 15 Logos: New Zealand Edition

The previous review of the Australian Super 15 team logos and mascots, can be found here, so now we move onto New Zealand. Let's get this out on the open. I lived for a time in New Zealand. It's a beautiful country, but being mocked constantly for having a stupid accent by people who sound like they are talking underwater isn't fun. Not even the considerable boon of 'The Flight of The Conchords' and whale-watching can offset that. Having said all of this, I will try to keep this as objective as possible. Again, I've been to all these cities. Let's start at the north and work our way down. Just like lovin'... The review will be the same as before, a review of the city, the logo, and the mascot, before they are all ranked. Enjoy.

1. Auckland Blues

City (Auckland): Before I moved to New Zealand, Auckland was a bit of a running joke because it had a blackout which had lasted like 3 months throughout the city. As it is, it's ok, it's got a nice harbour, some fun bars and the sky center provides interesting views. Some parts are a bit rough, especially the South of the city, but you avoid that if you come along as a tourist (which I did).

[source]

Logo: Pretty boring really. The logo, and a circle with the sea and a mountain. Really lacking in imagination. Lame.(Ranking: 5th)

Mascot: Bluebeard the Pirate

[source]

The very definition of 'god, those wacky New Zealanders...' it's a pirate, on a segway, firing fireworks out the back. Mildly amusing, I suppose.

2. Waikato Chiefs

City (Hamilton): Is weird. Almost nothing to do there. Shopping is bad, bars close really early, and other than the rugby stadium, there seems to be no real entertainment. Also, wherever we went a group of Maori children followed us around, it was creepy. However, this was in about 2002, so I'm not quite sure if it's gotten better since then. You would certainly hope so.

[source]

Logo: A muscular Maori fella, holding up a Maori weapon. A good logo, and a good team name too, though the team itself has never won the thing. (Ranking: 1st)

Mascot: The Waikato Chief?

[source]

This is a little frightening. It's unnamed, and is created by putting a giant, scary head on top of a regular guy in Chiefs uniform. Unsettling, especially the dead eyes and empty rows of seats in the background. One thing's for sure, its mother didn't survive childbirth.

3. Wellington Hurricanes

City (Wellington): Where I lived for three years. A Cool, bustling, and quirky downtown is matched by sprawling suburbs, isolated valleys and surprisingly constant earthquakes. A lot of bits are pretty rough, particularly when you get to the Hutt Valley, north of Wellington centre. Wainuiomata in particular is weird, a small city in its own right, in a hard to access valley, its population is nearly all Maori or Pacific Islanders, and as a result has produced any number of giant rugby players, league players and bouncers. All in all, it's ok.

[source]

Logo: Wellington is an unbelievably windy city, so it makes sense to be called the Hurricanes. This logo though, looks like something a bored high school student came up. Pretty lame (Ranking: 4th)

Mascot: Captain Hurricane

[source]

Another quite frightening mascot. This guy looks like Mario's evil brother Wario (is he the twin? I'm not sure). A WWI era pilot with a hugely malformed head, and on occasion, a plane he walks around in. I'm sure he works well to get the crowds pulses up.

4. Canterbury Crusaders

City (Christchurch): I only visited before the earthquake which ripped the city a new one, so can't really say anything about it since then. As ever with New Zealand, an odd mix. Quiet, lovely parks, nice architecture, good food, but this is offset by packs of wannabe gangsters who we saw fighting on the street throughout the day. One tried to steal my jacket (which was a maroon, or gang colour) but they left when the police arrived, leaving us to a peaceful day of eating and shopping in some cool stores. Odd.

[source]

Logo: Half of a Crusader next to the word 'Crusaders.' Not particularly inspiring, but the team is the most successful of all. They have won the competition numerous times, so people will come regardless of the logo. However, it's probably not very popular in the Arab World. Not great logo, but better than at least two others in the New Zealand conference (Ranking: 3rd).

Mascot: Larry the Lamb

[source]

I'm pretty sure I've seen guys on horseback, dressed as Crusaders, ride on the field, but this is much better. A freaky lamb (because nothing says tough like a lamb), with human arms and padded legs - or two casts from broken legs? - still, this is stupid rather than scary like the Chiefs and Hurricanes, and I can imagine it buoying the crowd up.

5. Otago Highlanders

City (Dunedin): Aside from the fact that it's so isolated and southerly, it's pretty cool. A small, university town with some demented museums and galleries, cool shops, and fun bars. As well as being surrounded by cool beaches and penguin habitats, there's also a chocolate factory, so the whole town smells of diabetes. Also, the seafood is excellent. It is small and isolated though, for example, there was a buy one get one free thing in a CD shop, and the crowds gathered were going wild. Cool, but definitely wouldn't want to live there.

[source]

Logo: An almost definitely anachronistically dressed Scottish Warrior. Still, looks cool, and suits the location well, It's in a mountainous area (where in New Zealand isn't?) and Dunedin itself Scottish influence, thanks to the climate, and the attitude of the poeple (a lot of the early settlers were Scottish). (Ranking: 2nd)

Mascot: The Highlander

[source]

I don't know why he's talking to a bunch of children here, but I suppose as far as mascots goes, it's ok. It could use a name, and they would have to hire one of the musclemen who aren't any good at rugby to play him, but that's fine too, I guess. New Zealand mascots are a bit ordinary really.

In conclusion: New Zealand is rugby mad, which explains why they don't need to put as much effort into logos and mascots as the Australian teams do. While Australian teams have to compete with cricket, basketball, soccer and at Rugby League and Aussie Rules, New Zealand teams get crowds by playing attractive rugby, in cities with not much else to do, especially sportswise. Still, the Chiefs, Crusaders and Highlanders have good-ish logos, while the Hurricanes, Blues, and Chiefs all have scary mascots. That's this feature done, I would do the South African ones, but a) I've never been to South Africa, and b) finding the mascots and logos is much more difficult because it doesn't have electricity.

Take care, P. 

Gere or Far #3: The Final Gere or Far?

Well, what a wild and wacky time we're having with the 'Gere or Far' series. The First One was met with near universal disdain by the 7 people who read it, and the second one was marginally less hated, but even less read. Both accused me of being a show-off, but I disagree, I'm just telling yaz about movies I like. So, to spite you, comes the third one. Also, after this, we'll have covered every movie I've seen in it which has Richard Gere, so the thing has effectively exhausted itself. 

1a. Days Of Heaven [1978] 

Richard Gere with his wife, who he explains is his sister. Why, we're not sure, but it leads to problems. [source]

Richard Gere is a farmhand and lover in a Malick movie. As with all Malick movies, it's either fine, evocative piece of art, or a pretentious load of old toss, which ignores plot coherence in favour of arty shots of nature, depending on your views. However, other than Richard Gere, I don't think anyone else in the movie ever did anything else. As the whole point of this feature (if there is a point) is to find links between people, we'll go instead to...

1b. Pretty Woman [1990]

A movie I'm not sure I would watch if I wasn't under duress. Chances are I watched it with a girlfriend, or possibly on a bus on some school trip. For me, Julia Roberts will always be that toothy one out of 'Mystic Pizza'. The story, as far as I remember is, Richard Gere is a successful business man who pays to have a prostitute with a heart of gold (Julia Roberts) move in with him, will they find love? or will he get stabbed by her pimp as she dies slowly of syphalis?

Here is Jason Alexander, Richard Gere, and Julia Roberts (playing a prostitute) at a fancy/hideous 1990 party [source]

She can't kiss him on the mouth, but other than I think they develop a genuine romance, but not before some bumps along the road. I have no recollection how it ends, but I'm sure some compromises are made in the name of true love. Anyway, as a seedy lawyer, we have Seinfelds George Costanza, Jason Alexander, who is also  in...

2. Shallow Hal [2001]

Here they are, crackin' wise [source]

Which is about a 'shallow' guy called 'Hal' (I've never met anyone called Hal in my life) who, after a bizarre incident, starts to see people physically by how beautiful their personalities are. I am a moderately handsome man, and would be moderately ugly in terms of personality. I'm evil, but doing my best to do good. Jason Alexander is an unlikely lothario, with a tail, and acts as sidekick to Hal, who is played by Jack Black who is in nearly every movie ever made, not least...

3. A Shark's Tale [2004] 

Seriously, who thought this shit would be a good idea? Weak [source]

An interesting one. I think it came out at the same time as 'Finding Nemo', and was a pretty mediocre fish movie. It has gangster sharks, Will smith as a fish, and Angelina Jolie as a fish-babe. Jack black plays a sensitive gangster shark who has dreams of becoming a dolphin. Hil-arious? I went to see this in Australia, and heard a guy in front of us say "Mate, that sounds like Jack Black, but Jack Black isn't a shark" and his mate went "must be some other guy then." They were being serious. Anyway, it's not a great movie, but I remember not being too angry with it, and it has some funny moments. One of the side characters, an elderly tiger shark, is played Peter Falk, a.k.a Columbo, who is also in...

4. The Princess Bride [1987]

This spells 'Princess Bride' upside-down too. Complaints were made that the cover was a spoiler. I think if you're buying a 20th anniversary edition, you shouldn't be worried about spoilers. [source]

 Another childhood classic, and one which is a little more violent (that death machine) than I remembered it as a kid. It's not as good either, but it hs a good giant, a great sword fight, and some funny bits (the poison drinking challenge is funny). Peter Falk (Columbo) narrates the whole thing to Fred Savage, his annoying, ill grandsome. Anyway, the princess is played by the particularly dreamy Robin Wright, who, it must be admitted, is still a good looking woman now, 25 years on. She is still in movies, most recently in that English remake of the 'Girl With The Dragon Tattoo'. She was also in another 'movie I sat through in awkward silence with someone who despised me despite being my girlfriend at the time' (feature coming soon?), which I watched on DVD...

5. The Pledge [2001]

Not a great poster, not a great movie. But he looks a little like Walter White in this [source]

Here Jack Nicholson is a cop, now retired, who has made a pledge to hunt down the person who abducted a child. He's an alcoholic, and there's a lot of grey areas as to who the killer is. We don't know who it was, and we grow increasingly tense as suspects, ever closer to home for Jack, come into focus. I've just seen that there are 7 alternative endings on the DVD, which suggests that they don't know who the killer was either. The beginning is interesting, but the ending is weak. In total, it is a missed opportunity, a promising movie with an incredibly disappointing ending.

Speaking of disappointing endings, there we have it with 'Gere or Far', probably forever. I can't imagine a situation where I am forced to see 'An Officer and a Gentleman,' or 'American Gigalo' - but it's not beyond all comprehension. Anyway, take care everyone.

Pascal.

5 Things to be happy about

Hello everyone. For once, things are looking good for Pascal. Here are five things to be happy about, for me. N.B. this is essentially a follow on from the previous list entitled reasons to be cheerful.

5. Dream girls- they're everywhere. From a cute girl who I flirt idly with almost every morning, to an attractive friend of my housemate who stayed for a few days; to a potential romance in a friend of a friend, I even have an attractive stalker. Spring is springing.

4. In complete opposite to that, I have been playing Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3D on the 3DS and it is mind-bottlingly and mind-bogglingly good. In fact, it's too good for a handheld video and the 3D is incredible. If you have any doubts about whether to get a 3DS, this will swing it for you. However, I only play mine indoors, I don't want people knowing I'm a nerd. 

3. 'The Whole Hog' by Lyall Watson- A terrific book I've been reading, and one that I really enjoyed. It is a wholehearted paean to the pig: a food source, an animal, and a shaper of human development and religion (for example, why pork isn't eaten by Jews or Muslims is explained in some detail). It gives heart-warming tales of pigs that the owner has been acquainted with, and talks us through the various specifics of this intelligent and noble beast. My favourite, the Pygmy Hog. Very recommended. Other than that, I've been reading 'The Pickwick Papers' by Dickens. Cultured huh?

2. Pho Vietnamese restaurant in Edinburgh. I love Vietnamese food, and this is the only place in Edinburgh that does it. Luckily it's excellent. It's a tiny place just near a friends house, and the food is excellent - authentic, clear-flavoured Vietnamese food that feels healthy and fresh. Also, the owner, Jodie, is a great beauty and a lovely person, I hope this remains an Edinburgh institution for years to come.

1. The Sun- after the freezing 6-month winter, Edinburgh in the Spring might be the best reward of them all.  Flowers, sunshine, people a little happier than usual, life is good.  

In conclusion, what makes me happy is food, reading about pigs, and video games. Jeez I'm a simple soul.

Unexpected Visitors

Hello, some thrilling updates from Casa Dos Voiture. (?) Last night, my housemates and I were watching a movie last night, having a few drinks, and chatting. We had considered going out but, by the time we decided to go, it was too late, so we had more drinks before heading to bed. It was another fancy Saturday evening. I was brushing my teeth in my shorts and vest, when the door buzzer went off. I opened it, and waited in the stairwell to see who it was, one of my housemates came and stood next to me as we waited. We were both brushing our teeth. We waited a couple of minutes as someone shuffled up to the second flight of stairs. It was someone I know, in a green dress covered in vomit. Who was this, you ask, and I'll tell you. My other housemate works with someone and set me up on an incredibly awkward blind date nearly two weeks ago. It was her.

She was nice, but there was no spark, and when I say 'no spark,' she was a little nutty. It was very awkward and we have only exchanged pleasantries since then. How she got my address, none of us know. She stumbled into our apartment, fell on the couch, mumbled something incoherent and started snoring. We couldn't wake her, so decided to let her sleep there. There is still dried vomit on the cushion. You'll be happy to know that we put a blanket on her. I got up around 9, and she was gone, I have not heard from her since, but will certainly keep you posted. My housemate made me send a message which says, 'so nice to see you last night, how r u? xx' but there's been no response. I find the whole thing amusing,and weird. I can only imagine what would happen if I had done the same to her. Single life is terrifying and exhilirating.

Things I (still) don't understand about Britain

I've been living in the U.K. for a while, and I feel I understand the people more than most outsiders. However, there are still a million things which I don't understand. Here are ten:

1. Soccer. It's not fun to watch, and even less to hear about.

2. The radio: Millions listen to Radio 1, where the music is genuinely awful; Radio 4, which has news and spoken word programmes, and is hugely popular despite being on the whole, wilfully dull.

3. The Royal Family. They do nothing, cost a bomb and you are quite happy to fund them. I don't see how having an unelected head of state, which is inherited can be allowed in any country which aims to be truly democratic. (N.B. Having said that, it's almost as bad in Australia).

4. World War 2. Still gets brought up all the time, which is weird, because the exertions and expenditure allowed the demise of Britain as a truly leading global power.

5. Ambivalence towards the NHS. Coming from Australia, where I once let a broken hand go undiagnosed because I couldn't afford to get it seen to, I find it bewildering that the recent reforms have gone through as unopposed as they have. You should really be ashamed of yourselves.

6. Why does everyone watch awful singing shows: the Voice, Britain's got talent, the X Factor - all of them are viewed by millions and they're shit. Marginally talented people come out, wail histrionically, and are then applauded by a seemingly feral audience. I don't get it. Britain has such a strong musical history, The Beatles, the Stones, Black Sabbath, Led Zeppelin and any number of others. Why is Jesse J being listened to?
 
7. Domino's Pizza. I used to live with a couple of guys who would eat two or three domino's Pizzas a week. It remains popular all over the country. A regular sized pizza, delivered to your house, which tastes of salt and disappointment, costs more than a three course meal in a good restaurant. Awful. Also, why the hatred of vegetables. I get mocked for the amount of fruit and veg I eat, an old girlfriend said feeding me was like "looking after a chimp", though that may be because of my huge, protruding ass and need to fling faeces. Seriously though, it's why I'm tall.

8. Tea. Nowhere else on earth do the people get so happy and look forward so much to tea. for me, coffee is all I need.

9. Fake Tans. On guys and girls. They look awful, they can't be good for you, and you look fake. Also, coming from a country with a respect for the sun, we know what people who actually are tanned look like by the time they get to 40 (if malignant melanoma hasn't taken care of them already.) You look like Oompa-Loompahs, give it a break.

10. The biggest question I have is: why do you bother going on holiday to Greece or Spain, if all you are going to do is screw other English people, drink English beer, and not even enjoy the sun. You may as well save some money and stay at home

Jeez, another list which makes me seem like an old geezer. I didn't even mention the hatred of the French, or gypsies. Anyway, I might put some pictures up. Take care everyone.

In Praise of # 7: Parks and Recreation

I've already mentioned this show before, when I bitched and whined that it wasn't on British TV. I maintain that bitching and whining, especially while '2 Broke Girls' is  currently being advertised to ubiquity. I had heard from a couple of mates, as well as those dorky message boards where nerds bicker and quote Star Wars, that both 'Parks and Rec' and 'Community' were worth checking out. Because it was on tv, I watched Community first, and while it's good, and I like it, I prefer Parks. This is mainly because when Community is bad, it's really bad; also the disgraced lawyer is too irritating to sympathise with, as is that British professor dude - I live in Britain, where nerdish, bitchy weiners are a as common as anything. Anyway, let's look at Parks and Recreation. for those not in the know, it's a show about the goings on of the Parks and Recreation department of the fictional Pawnee, Indiana. Spoilers follow:

Despite a poor beginning, where it was obvious that it was an Office clone, it has quickly evolved into a great show. While the first season hinged around the filling of a vacant lot near Ann's house, it soon came to be much more encompassing in its scope, with later seasons following: the organisation of a successful county festival; the make and break of relationships and friendships; and Leslie running for political office. Even in its first season, it developed a few of the characters, namely Andy, the lovable musician boyfriend of Ann, who will go on to become Leslie's best friend.

Ann and Leslie have an incredibly realistic drunken fight.

Also, even in this initial series the relationship between Leslie and her Libertarian, stoic boss Ron is already in place, and is developed further in the following seasons. The development of characters has allowed a natural organic sense of human relationships to take place, while less interesting characters have been jettisoned along the way. For example, we hear and see much less of Leslie's mother after the first season, and Joe, the Sewage guy has run his course as a secondary character and was fired. The boring, dependable character of Mark, a handsome but dull city planner, and initially a crush of Leslie's, was replaced by the more interesting City Managers Ben Wyatt and Chris Traeger, who is played by Rob Lowe.

Did anyone order a dreamboat? [source]

 As the series progressed other, initially background characters have been given time to shine. For example, Jerry has gone from being a background character, to a hopeless butt of all jokes and symbol of ineptitude. Chubby and bland, he is mocked constantly, and treated poorly by everyone, so much so that he pretends to be mugged to prevent his colleagues from laughing at him for falling over chasing a dropped burrito. However, in asides he reminds of that he is happy, looking forward to retirement, sharing his life with his 3 beautiful daughters, and his beloved wife. Seeing Jerry, eating a German muffin, with a cat on his lap, looking content in one episode, is both hilarious and touching. Other characters have similarly, gradually developed, Tom is now more than an irritant with visions of grandeur, but a well-meaning show-off.

Ben and Jerry (!) listening to an early morning harpsichord performance

Guests characters are also excellent, from Indiana NBA players Detlef Schrempf and Roy Hibbert as themselves, to Will Arnett, Megan Mullally, the wonderful Louis C.K., and Ben Schwarz as Jean-Ralphio. Jean-Ralphio owns every scene he is in, and though his character is a potential irritant, his role is kept to a minimum. It is excellent direction to keep us wanting more of a tosser like that. Almost universally, all the incidental characters and special guests work well. I particularly like the arrogant Joan Callamezzo and the bizarre Perd Hapley, who host TV shows in the city. Other guest characters are pitch perfect most of the time, even Paul Rudd, who has now been in every show ever made.

Tom trying to impress Detlef Schrempf

As well as that, the town of Pawnee is also worthy of note. In terms of history and populace, it is similar to Springfield. Run for a time by cultists, it is now the 4th most obese city in the US (it's motto now is 'first in friendship, fourth in obesity'), the owners of a confectionary factory are beloved almost as much as 'L'il Sebastian' a small horse which does nothing, but is held in almost god-like regard by the beefy populace.  The city has its share of unpleasant history, all of which are chronicled on the murals in City Hall itself. In town meetings and events we meet the citizens and all of these help to add to the sense of community in the show: favourites of mine include the stultifyingly boring accountant who tries to peddle his accountant software,but whom Andy founds hilarious for some reason. Also, in the many scenes of consulting citizens, favourites include a bearded man who tries to start bizarre chants of unrelated topics, and a mustachioed, angry man, furious about things which no one sane would get angry about. To top it all off, there have even been a few appearances by Loudon Wainwright III, who plays an overly-concerned citizen.

A genuine shirt available for purchase. The world is getting better. [source]

All this gives the sense of the city as a functioning entity, which merely adds weight to the central relationships in the show. As well as the genuine, benevolent relationship between Ron and Leslie, there is the touching, genuine relationship between Leslie and Anne, who grow to be best friends over the series. They share a sweet and genuine closeness. The ongoing troubles of Andy and April, which takes place over a couple of seasons and includes other relationships, at the end becomes a justified, legitimate relationship which makes sense. At all times, the characters are drawn realistically enough to make their behaviour seem real. This allows their odd detours, such as Leslie's obsession with waffles, Ron's woman problems (his two ex-wives are terrific - one a sex mad viper lady, the other reduces him to a 'neutered wimp'), Tom's friendship with Jean-Ralphio believable too.

Andy and April branch out and role-play

All of the main characters, are funny, human characters, rather than wacky, and it makes it much more believable. However, there are times when it flirts with going too far into 'wacky' territory. This can be seen
in Chris (Rob Lowe's character) a fitness mad , health-freak incapable of delivering bad news, and Ron can sometimes go a bit far, not least when his favourite restaurant was closed down. Despite this, he is, however, hilarious and a hero of mine. He provides a stoic and macho spine to the show, and at heart he is a good guy, willing to help out his friends.

Ron tucks into a turkey leg, with added bacon

Finally we move to Leslie herself. She was drawn a little too ditzy and 'wacky' in the first season - she gets hammered at a casual drinks-do in the first episode - but has developed into a kind, clever and super competent person who combines compassion, drive and charm. If this were a just world, she would be held as a feminist icon by the masses rather than Tulisa. On top of it all, she gets some killer lines, and her ramblings are often incredible. Importantly, I'd love to have her as a friend, and importantly, I've developed a weird crush on Amy Poehler, a miracle as she was a real beast in other things I've seen her in (for example, Job's wife in Arrested Development).

Finding a picture of Leslie is tough, because she is so frantic (and I'm so lazy).

However, all this would mean nothing if the show itself wasn't funny. It is. As well as numerous laugh out loud moments every episode, there are frequent occurrences of 'subtle' comedy- things you only catch on repeat viewings - which make this such good fun. We are only reminded that this is a 'mockumentary' on the rare instances when characters (other than April, who makes near constant contact) look to the camera. Though this was overdone in the first series, it is done much more subtly after that, and when it happens it allows us to share the characters laughter. For example, look to the other characters reactions when Tom is trying on costumes and brings out ornate walking canes; or when Jerry bends over, rips his pants open and farts nervously. Aside from this, the constant barrage of constant, clever jokes are the best seen since Arrested Development. Unlike Arrested Development, most of the characters are sympathetic, rather than insane (although don't get me wrong, A.D. is probably the best thing ever).

Most significantly for me, is that after the first series, there are very few dud episodes -other than an episode where a contingent of Venezuelans from Pawnee's sister city arrive, none spring readily to mind. However, that is outnumbered by great episodes. For example, any episode with Ron's ex-wives, but especially the drink-off scene between three women called Tammy, and Leslie; April and Andy's wedding; the possum; Jerry's saucy painting; and the episode which introduced 'Snake Juice' a 70% liquor tom created in his kitchen, and which makes Anne and Leslie fight over boys. All of these are genuinely wonderful television.

Jerry's depiction of Tom

In conclusion, despite a rough start, this show has married character growth, plot, and remains incredibly funny and yet touching, all without delving into schmaltzy sentiment like so many American shows. Terrific Television, and should be a lot more popular than it is. I didn't even mention Donna, or how mean the show is to kids. Go check it out, though give the first series a bit of leeway (in fact, you could just start at the beginning of series 2).

Take care, Pascal.

A New Musical: Foreigner

I've spent basically my entire work day doing this, which means it is a million times more productive than my regular day. We were discussing 'Mama Mia,' that Abba Musical, and thought about which other artists would be good to make a musical about. There's that Queen one, and someone said a Spice Girls musical is in development,*  and we agreed that a Meat Loaf one would be pompous and bombastic -pompastic, if you will- enough to work well. My idea, which we developed over the day, was a musical with songs from the 70s / 80s band Foreigner, a band I genuinely, inexplicably have a soft spot for. Here is an outline:

N.B. Due to a misunderstanding, I thought that Mama Mia changed the lyrics so that it would best fit  with the plot, for example, instead of 'Dancing Queen' they would sing about 'Dad's ice-cream' to the same tune. While that may seem like the maddest thing I've ever write, it was a simple misunderstanding, but it also explains why this foreigner musical is about a baker. So let's sit through and imagine(songs in bold):

 

FOREIGNER: BREAD GAMES 

we wake to find a man, at first successful, but now down on his luck... the song playing is...
BLUE MORNING, BLUE DAY- he sings along as he is rejected from job after job...
we cut to him on a dark street, a single street light flickering out to him, in silhouette... belting out...
I WANNA KNOW WHAT LIFE IS (i.e. 'I wanna know what love is') cut to black as he blacks out. Drunk? probably.

He has a miraculous dream where he is talked to by a giant, benevolent baker (I'm imagining Brian Blessed) who implants the importance of bread into his head- with a start he wakes up, we cut to a montage and the song... BREAD GAMES (i.e. 'Head Games') which shows him learning how to bake and make bread related items. It shows him making friends, and at the end, they all receive a loan to start their own bakery. It plays a small snippet of I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOAF IS but not enough to make people leave. They receive a certificate, they have drinks to celebrate. As he gets drunker, he begins chatting to a beautiful girl, though she is mean to him. She explains that her names is Luanne, and he breaks into song LUANNE. He sees her again later, and she remains incredibly mean to him, mocking his denim suit, his straggly hair, and his pot-belly. Our heroes friends all tell him to ignore her, because she's as... COLD AS ICE they all laugh, and agree to focus on baking (oh, I forgot to say, they're opening up a bakery together - why they're out drinking when they need to be up at 3am is something that a really good writer would be able to sort out). Scene cuts to dark.

Day dawning, frantic, possibly sexy baking action going on. As its their first time baking it... FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME, they chat away and banter (a word I hate), as people come in to buy bread (while dancing) it gets frantic, almost URGENT, time passes, and the first day is a success, and they stay popular...

The next morning. A beautiful woman comes in she looks a little like Luanne. She asks what kinds of bread there are. With a smile he answers that there is DOUBLE SEEDED (i.e. 'Double Vision'), there is also, croissants, bagels, and... he drops a loaf of white unseeded on the ground DIRTY WHITE BREAD (i.e. 'Dirty White Boy') she laughs (for some reason) and agrees, she introduces herself as Luanne's sister (though we don't get a reprise of that song). He asks her out, and she agrees, with a saucy wink. He smiles, and bursts into HOT BREADED (i.e. 'Hot Blooded'), before we cut to black.

Next day, they are meeting, and getting along fine, and she picks JUKE BOX HERO, on the jukebox, as she sits on his lap, the two in the throes of love, he belts out I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU at such intensity that her hair blows away. END.

Entire crowd of performers returns to stage and breaks into a medley, of all previous songs, which somehow doubles the length of the show. 

In conclusion, this would probably work better with videos, but I'm too lazy to do that for this madness. I have also missed out on adding 'BREAD BOX HERO' (Juke Box Hero) to the show. Also, this may seem like weak material, but there are literally hundreds of shows in the Edinburgh Festival worse than this. Hundreds.

P.S. And here is the logo that a work friend made (she's really pretty, so hasn't learnt to photshop):

*as an aside, I saw a woman once with 'SPICE' and 'GIRLS' tattooed on her knuckles. She had at least two kids.

People I Apparently Look Like

I have a permanently confused-looking face and neutral features. For that reason, I get likened to a great many people. The following are five examples of people who I have been likened to physically. However, this list is no where near exhaustive. Added to this list could be Will Arnett, Robert De Niro (as an old geezer), and "if Meat Loaf slimmed down a bit, he'd look like you". Meat. Loaf.

5. Ewan McGregor*

Handsome 90's guy [source]

*He is a handsome guy, but this is not the boon it seems. The actual quote was that I looked like "a monstrous version of Ewan McGregor" by a drunk, horny girl in an Edinburgh club. One of my chorus of aunts lives in Crieff, where he is from, and has seen him shopping a few times. She says that he looks like I do, although she says he is at most 5'8, so I suppose I could be a monstrous, out-of-shape brother of his.

4. Liam Neeson*

Possibly drunk? good man. [source]

*Again, a seemingly positive likeness, but again we have to look to context. I worked in a bar and was constantly told that I looked like a young Liam Neeson by women in their 40s who still thought that skin-tight leather pants was a good idea (on them, it definitely wasn't). However, he's a good looking guy (or at least was) and we're roughly the same size, have the same glazed look, features, and indecipherable accent. In conclusion, this means I look like both of the Jedis in Star Wars Episode one? Cool!

3. Greta Gerwig

[source]

A weird one. In the week or so a couple of friends have both pointed out the similarity between me and her. These friends, as far as I'm aware, don't know each other. I suppose our broad shoulders, heavy jawline, and hair are similar. Also, the picture above looks frighteningly like my driver's license photo, taken of me aged 17, with a thick, womanly pelt of hair. Could be worse, I suppose, as she's interestingly pretty. 

2. Anthony Simcoe

[source]

I think I've already mentioned this likeness, and don't really want to comment any further. He's a funny guy, not a handsome guy.

1. Stuart Clark

Where is he looking? what's on his mind? he's so deep. [source]

 Unarguably the best likeness of me. He was a pretty solid cricketer in his day, and won a couple of man of the series awards in his short time as a test  cricketer. We do look a lot alike, particularly when my hair is short, and most particularly in video, as we have the same awkward grace of a big bloke. Coincidentally, we went to the same university. Cool.(Side Note: I wish more people knew who he was).

In conclusion, you may ask, 'how can he look like that many people? Get out of here' For once, I have no answer, and no further comments.

The Emperor's Naked Army Marches On

[source]

Hi everyone, today’s articles is a review of an obscure 1980s Japanese documentary ‘The Emperor’s Naked Army Marches On’. I suppose you’ll know already if you’ll read on. My great-uncle, whom I've already mentioned in another article, recommended this to me. He had, and maintains, a strong interest in Asian culture, and that in part was developed when he fought the Japanese in the Second World War. For the sake of family, I hunted this movie down and watched it with my brother; here are some of our collected thoughts. *contains plot spoilers- but this is from 1987, so keep your hair on*

The movie focuses on a man in his 60s, Okuzaki Kenzo, who fought in New Guinea in the Second World War. We are told before meeting him that he has been in jail for murder, and has also been in prison for firing slingshot pellets at Emperor Hirohito, a man he considers a war criminal. The film follows him conducting interviews with survivors and relatives, trying to find the truth about supposed war crimes in New Guinea. This in turns becomes an inquiry into the execution of two soldiers for desertion, despite the war having been over for 18 days. The filming takes place over five years and numerous interviews and physical fights. Only when he confronts, repeatedly, the ailing ex-Sergeant Yamada, is there an admittance of guilt and even occurrence of certain atrocities, namely execution, cannibalism and other war crimes.

That’s pretty much the story, but Okuzaki is the real star of the show. He proudly proclaims that ‘violence is my forte’ and on two occasions is reduced to punching the officers who are offering evasive answers. He at once polite, rude and forceful. He is clearly passionate to redress some of the enormous wrongs that his country committed in the Second World War, and have subsequently ignored in the intervening 40 years (the movie was released in 1987, though filming began, I am told, in 1982). Resultantly, the hero is stubborn and violent, though the support of his wife, a sweet, dedicated woman suggests that he is not all bad.

As nearly half a century has passed, we now find all of these men, potential war criminals, as frail and elderly. Okuzaki himself is beginning to get frail, though his spirit still bounds with youth. It is only when we find the truth that his violence against these guys is justified. These normal looking, elderly men, with regular lives and families, can casually, reluctantly admit to cannibalism, murder and executions is chilling. It is also a real symptom of the post-war dilemma that Japan faced. Sergeant Yamada, who Okuzaki fights with, is first seen in hospital. Okuzaki visits him in his hospital bed saying that his illness is a sign of divine vengeance because of the peaceful Post-War life he has led, it is only later that we realised why Okuzaki dispenses with pleasantries.

The Post-War dilemma of Japan, which was occupied by American forces and controlled culturally, made a conscious effort to become a leading economic rather than a military power. By the film’s release Japan was the second largest economic power in the world after the US. The result was a lot of discourse about the War was ignored or edited to best make Japan a country for the future. Japan was essentially stuck in a situation where it had to simultaneously accept blame for its actions; move on to become an economic powerhouse; and acknowledge and sympathise internally its position as a country which had been subjected to nuclear bombs. It is only people like Okuzaki, who are actively pushing for the truth to come out, that remind the country of the negative things which are part of Japanese history.

Resultantly, a lot of the negative aspects of the War were largely ignored and never mentioned. For example, cannibalism and summary executions were common among starving soldiers, but is never mentioned in public discourse, and only very reluctantly in private. One of the former Medics of the group admits that there was a distinction between ‘black pork’ and ‘white pork’ for the meat of native New Guineans, and that of Japanese or White troops. The matter-of-fact way in which he mentions it, in his comfortable house, is a shocking reminder of the lengths people went to survive. It is for this that Okuzaki runs into trouble, and the people he interviews are incredibly evasive. These men accuse him of being rude and invasive (which he is); that they don’t want to anger the spirits of the dead; or that admitting the truth would upset the ancestors of the victims (on numerous occasions a shrine is mentioned as a sign of penance, and Okuzaki himself is seen praying several times). Other people use the inherent ambiguity of the Japanese language to avoid giving a direct answer, and one officer even claims that the Japanese character stops him from telling the direct truth (the truth changes throughout the movie, and its fluidity is symbolic of the situation of how Japanese soldiers fit into the Post-War economic boom). It is for this that he resorts to frustrated punches of these now elderly men.

At the same time, Okuzaki is no saint, his actions leave his wife alone, we are told she dies while he is in jail again after he shot one of the officer’s sons. He seems to not really care about an injury she sustained in one of his fights; He is willing to use her and a friend to pose as the siblings of two soldiers to try to add sympathy to his cause. He also admits at the films conclusion that he himself led a decadent, successful life for a decade after the war before he found his calling. At the end of it, we are left with a tantalising glimpse into Post-War Japanese life, and of scandals and crimes left secret and ignored except for the work of an extraordinary man doing an extraordinary thing. Very interesting filmmaking, and one which you often forget is a documentary.

N.B. These are initial thoughts, which will be edited into something coherent.

In Praise of # 6: My Friend Rick

 A welcome return to the 'In Praise Of Series' today, with a heartfelt ode to an old friend of mine, whom we will call 'Rick.' Tall and handsome, with a personable manner, he is popular and much loved, particularly by women. However, here are some awesome things he has done:

1. Forgot a 4 digit pin code for his locker in the gym (after 2 months of going there) so that he had to wait, in his speedos, for two hours for a locksmith to come and tell him that he was standing in front of the wrong locker.

2. Confused 'Belfast' with 'Belgium,' so that he travelled to Northern Ireland and was annoyed that the Bruges cathedral wasn't outside his window (the confused phone call where I had to explain that Belfast wasn't Belgium might have been the highlight of my life)

3. Confused the movie 'Memoirs of a Geisha' with 'Memoirs of a Geezer,' which he thought was a crime musical.

4. Thought that 'Hotel Rwanda' was a cartoon and took a girl on a date there... On a similar vein...

5. ...Taking someone to the movie 'City of Life and Death' on a third date (a graphic and dispiriting movie about the rape of Nanking).

6. Believed, and told people, that Pot Noodle was named in honour of Pol Pot.

7. Thought that this scene from Oldboy...

was from a documentary...

8. Got confused about which end to score on and scored 4 points for the other team in one basketball match.

I'd like to clarify that he was at least 20 when any of these things happened. The fact that someone like that has a successful job in Australia says a lot about the education system there. Anyway, I love being in his company and he's a great bloke, even if he is mad as a cut snake.

Rationalising hatred (Heineken Beer)

Note: I wrote this a long time ago, I don't think this ad has been on for at least a year, but I maintain my earlier sentiment. Some changes have been made to reflect time passing. I would also like to acknowledge the sequel, 'the date' which has done nothing but reinforce my hatred, and also made me bust a blood vessel in my neck.

There's a new ad for Heineken out now, it features a guy going around a party, saying hello to a cowboy (whom he 'hilariously' pretends to shoot); a black guy in African clothing (who is deferred to to suggest tolerance), and a Chinese guy (whom our host 'hilariously' pretends to do Kung Fu against to gain possession of a beer). In the end, he gets a Heineken from a servant, and he plays along with the band. Instead of the crowd coming to their senses and realising that such a swaggering tosser is undesirable at a party, he is actually toasted by the crowd and the band plays on. You can watch this ad here:

I hope that some of you reading will know enough of me to know that I hate this ad. On top of a team filled with cocaine-stuffed Advertising executives thinking that this is people's idea of a good time, there are other problems. The guest / host (who I suppose we are supposed to sympathise with) is a tosser, swaggering around, running shitty parties, and hiring a terrible band (seriously, that girl sings like a 3 year old child). He is supposed to be cool and charismatic- watch him shoot that cowboy, who looks like Lemmy after a thousand eating challenges, but why would any swaggering tosser have a wannabe cowboy at his party? The answer is, because he is a cock. He gives us no reason to like him, and no reason to think that only at his arrival does the party start.

He says hi to a couple more people, gets his servant to bring him beer, and plays a weird kung-fu getcha with a beer against a Chinese guy, which only showcases his lack of athleticism. the Chinese guy looks on, almost in smiling tears, as he realises that he has met his match on a social and physical level. Poor fool. Meanwhile our host (or guest) swaggers to the staircase, playing a flute after getting changed (why?) before he raises a beer, triumphant. The terrible band play on. We are told that this is probably the best party in the world.

I don't think so, and here's why: I wouldn't want to be friends with that guy. If he was there as a guest, I wouldn't want to be at that party. If he was hosting the party, which the ad suggests (possibly), I wouldn't turn up. For the record, I like to party. That is why I won't drink Heineken or its subsidiaries as punishment.

Bonus Fact: this was written nearly a year ago, and as far as I know I still haven't drunk any Heineken beers, which includes TIGER beer. Lesson learned about me: I am a man of morals (when it comes to terrible ads)

Takashi Miike Movies I've Seen (Part Two)

This, as the title suggests, is the second in the series of Takashi Miike movies I've seen. The first part can be found here. Here come the rest:

Ichi The Killer [2001]

Luckily, the blood matches the coat that he's wearing [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: A violent Yakuza gang struggles to find the mysterious ICHI, who turns out to be a pathetic, weeping, sexually confused killing machine.
Highlights: Tadanobu Asano: his performance, his wardrobe (which is amazing) and his scars nearly make this more than just a stupid, unesscessarily violent movie. It's pretty cool though, but it is just too unecessarily violent, and gets into overkill.
Madness: Less mad than silly  **     
Gore: Some pretty gross stuff, a face on the wall, a nipple torture, and a gangster torture involving hooks and boiling water, being the most arresting *****
Story: Story was quite interesting, just not done very well ***
Overall: ** 
Thoughts: The most famous of Miike's works in the west? Probably it is, but other than the needless ultra-violence and a great turn by the Chelsea-SmiledTadanobu Asano (and his wardrobe), weak. A shame because it had a promising premise, particularly the gunman who used to be a cop, a storyline which was concluded stupidly. Violent at the expense of plotline, a shame.

Audition[1999]

Another of those scenes you never forget [source]

N.B. Plot is impossible to not give away, so go and see it before reading this, then rush back to your computer and compose a misspelled email to me calling me gay. 

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: A lonely widower uses a film-maker friend into finding a new mistress, he's captivated by one, who is not what she seems to be (she's crazy).
Highlights: This very successfully changes tone half-way through to move from being a mild-romantic sotry to being an outright horror movie. Two scenes help to make this transition, a very creepy phonecall with the girl lying in wait, and smiling at what is to come, and the other, a romantic getaway by the beach, which may or may not be a dream. The conclusion is also thrilling. 
Madness: To have half the movie dedicated to finding a woman, in a stright way, and then pull the carpet out from under us is a thing of genuine, impressive madness. *****     
Gore:  Most of the violence is merely suggested, although a few scenes really do 'cut to the bone' - also that guy in the sack freaked the living fuck out of me when I first saw it. ***
Story: Hard to rate, essentially two different movies, both of them quite interesting. ***1/2      
Overall: ****1/2 
Thoughts: Possibly the best, most Miike-est Miike movie. successfully covers at least two genres, and creates a movie that is genuinely shocking and scary while at the same time being romantic.

Zebraman [2004] 

Strangley, I don't remember this scene. It may be from the sequel. Look how neutral that crab guys face is [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: A pathetic dad escapes his miserable family life by dressing as Zebraman, a cartoon character with the powers of a Zebra, can he use his powers to stop an invasion of badguys?
Highlights: The movie is predicated on making Zebraman look more impressive when he fights by making him look as pathetic as possible in real life. His fight scenes are good, but the family scenes are both funny, and a little heart-breaking.
Madness: A tale of middle-aged loss of purpose until the bad guys come along... so...***     
Gore: A little bit of implied rape and violence, but surprisingly restrained. ***
Story: Would have worked better as a straight tale of a deluded guy, or as a straight up hero movie, as it was, a little uneven. ***      
Overall: **1/2 
Thoughts: As has been said above, interesting in theory, but let down by the uneveness in tone, and goes on too long. I've heard that the sequel is a little better, but I'm not sure I can be bothered. 

Dead Or Alive [2004] 

A surprisingly difficult movie to get images for, turns out Dead Or Alive is also a video game which combines zombies and boobs. This movie didn't stand a chance. [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: Yakuza warfare, with super-human  powers. 
Highlights: the opening scene, about 9 minutes of quickly flashing images and sets, bring together three or four strands which will become important later on. It's an intense, ADHD tour-de-force. The rest of the movie sags in comparison, until the conclusion, which is interesting, exciting, but also annoying.  flowers is also a thing of great, crazy beauty, and the musical interludes are hypnotic.
Madness: Aside from the conclusion, a relatively straight-forward Yakuza conflict movie, with a healthy dose of black humour. **    

Gore: Pretty gory in a couple of places, but for a movie which destroys the whole planet, and involves a comedy bestiality scene, not a lot of bloodshed. ***
Story: A straight-forward Gangster movie (until the end) **      
Overall: **
Thoughts: While the beginning and end are cool, and the two main characters are awesome, tough maniacs, but the whole thing is trying a little too hard. The conclusion is also annoying (out of nowhere, the guys unleash sonic-boom style weapons from themselves and the film concludes with the fireball engulfing all of Japan and spreading. While the conclusion seems to preclude a sequel, there is one.

So, that's that, I'd say watch Audition, 13 Assassins, Happiness of the Katakuris, and whatever else tickles your respective fancies. I've got others to watch too, including: One Missed Call; Bird People In China; Gozu; Fudoh; Graveyard of Honour; God's Dice; Sukiyaki Western Django; Shangri-la and others...
 and I'll let you know when I do.

Peace out, Pascal

Some postive thoughts

I don't really get 'emotional,' unless I'm really tired (when I can burst into tears at the drop of a hat) - so you'll have to take this as sincere emotion. I'm really happy to everyone who's read pages and enjoyed them. People from all over the world have checked into some of my thoughts and that's great. I'd also like to thank EVERYONE who has written to me about anything I've done, but particularly those of you who have written positive things. It's nice to be told something you've written was good or funny, especially when around 80% of my mail is badly written hate mail.

On another note, I have family who live in Vietnam and have been lucky enough to travel there, and so I watched with interest a Top Gear special where the presenters go to Vietnam. I was waiting for my friend to finish showering and didn't realise that she took nearly an hour to do so, and so ended up watching nearly the whole thing (apparently I was too hung-over to change the channels). At the very least, Vietnam is a beautiful country with excellent food, and I at least hoped to see to some interesting stuff. I've never really watched Top Gear before, because I don't care about cars, but I was surprised by how tedious the show is. Instead of an interesting look at a culture and vehicles, three hideous men pretended to get into hijinks, made inane or irrelevant points, flirted with racism and hosted obviously staged 'situations' all while being followed by a huge camera crew. The hosts themselves were narrow-minded, boring, and laddish, despite being comfortably middle-aged. They sum up everything that is wrong with English people when they are abroad. Most importantly though, the show isn't funny. That this is the most popular show in the world doesn't give me a lot of hope for the future.

My advice then is to be the best you can be. If watching Top Gear is the best that you can be, please do us all a favour and wear condoms- vulcanised rubber is a wonderful thing, and we don't need any more kids, thanks.

Tolerance

A couple of odd incidences really made me appreciate the importance of interpretation when discussing tolerance. At a friends going away party, I had the great fortune to meet a very beautiful girl who was very funny, interesting, and most importantly of all, didn't feel the need to vomit when I talked to her (it was a heavy drinking crowd). This in itself was good news, but what made it a little saucier was that she had only one arm. Her left arm stopped at around the elbow. I remain entirely attracted to her, which would suggest that I'm maturing and becoming more tolerant as I grow older. However, my friends whom I discussed it with remain a little worried that this is not 'tolerance,' but something more sinister - that it's my own sexual deviance which is bringing me towards her. I hope it's something more benevolent.

Furthermore, the other thing which I learned this weekend was that under poor interpretations of what I was saying can be taken as good advice. I was watching TV with some friends and a friends younger sister, we were watching TV and talking nonsense, when I made the point that if you are a woman, you don't need to change your shape or personality to impress a guy, because no matter who you are or what you look like, there'll be someone for you. She interpreted this as a paean to female celebration, a notion that every woman was in charge of her own destiny, and that being happy with yourself was the most important thing. However, what I actually meant, the less pleasant truth, was that men are so stupid and horny they will screw anything and settle with it. As ever, there is truth to both of these sides of the argument. While the two versions have the same result, they differ in their message, moral tone and meaning. Still, I didn't have the heart to let her know the truth, but I suppose she'll find out in time. As it is, I'm off for a drink with the one-armed babe, wish me luck. 

P.

Takashi Miike Movies I've Seen (Part One)

Takashi Miike is a Japanese director. He is immensely prolific. To illustrate, he is listed as the director of 7 different movies in 2001 alone. He is famed for his ultra-violent, post-modern style, but has made more straight-forward movies, and has even done kid's movies. I've seen a few of these movies, and have already mentioned a couple in other lists. Let's go through the ones I've seen, this will be the first of a series which will hopefully be added to in time. (N.B. These are not in any particular order, and I have tried to keep spoilers out of it. Why not just read it and quit your bitching?)

Izo [2004] 

Izo in the flower field [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: A dead Samurai travels through space, time, and logic while fighting gods and men to get vengeance on those who had him killed.
Highlights: Izo meets American wrestler Bob Sapp, Izo meets the earth goddess, Izo takes on modern Tokyo. It's also got Takeshi Kitano. Izo in the flower field with the talking flowers is also a thing of great, crazy beauty, and the musical interludes are hypnotic.

Bob Sapp with a necklace made of anal beads fighting a Samurai ghost. Worlds colliding.

Madness: Maddest thing ever  *****     
Gore:  A lot of bloodshed, decapitations, and odd injuries ****
Story: Hardly any story, just 2 hours of allegorical violence   **       
Overall: ***1/2 
Thoughts: Some really great stuff here, but definitely not for the casual viewer. Insane, violent and philosophical.

The Great Yokai War [2005] 

The Gods all have a sit down [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: After being selected in a folk festival, a bullied schoolboy is turned into the hero of a war between Japanese gods and an evil demon.
Highlights: Any of the gods, all of which are really interesting. Also, the main bad guy is a genuine nutbar, far too evil for a mere kids movie. He seems to hate the kids sidekick, a pet hamster more than anything, subjecting it to repeated abuse. My favourite gods: the guy whose head can grow at will; the woman with the long neck, and the wall with an eye on it. Cer-azzy. 
Madness: Japanese gods are mad, but are dealt with here respectfully  ***            
Gore: Not much except for hamster torture *
Story: Pretty solid kids story, and the plot is resolved nicely too  ****    
Overall: ***
Thoughts: A really cool kids story, with cool gods and fun action. However, it is still violent and even a little sexy (that river god is a babe, and the bad guy's henchwoman is the leader of the Crazy 88 from Kill Bill vol. 1). Good fun.

 Happiness Of The Katakuris [2001] 

A demented movie poster, complete with claymation monster in the corner [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis (attempt): A dysfunctional family try to make their guest house work despite it being in the middle of nowhere, and the bizarre deaths of all the guests who do turn up. It also has musical numbers.
Highlights: The claymation opening is a good sideshow; the songs are good, especially where the whole family join in; the unshaven Japanese man who tricks the idiot daughter into believing he is a British royal; the zombie dance.The biggest highlight for me is that this was a remake of a pretty ordinary Korean movie called the Quiet Family, but bears as much resemblance as the earth to the moon.

The family tries to sing to cheer up their son. This doesn't work at my family, where he would be told to 'man up.' [source]

Madness: Pretty friggin' crazy, even by Miike standards *****           
Gore: Not much, although there are corpses **
Story: A nice crazy slice of life, but not much story ***           
Overall: ****
Thoughts: I've already mentioned this movie in another article. It's Insane, oddly paced, with some musical numbers really failing, and the story doesn't really go very far. However, the positives more than make up for the weaknesses to make this, somehow, a must-see.
Bonus fact: The isolated place they live in is a lot like the place near where my parents live, an remote Scottish town in a valley where there is no phone reception, and stunningly, no internet- in the year 2012.

13 Assassins [2010] 

Another cool movie poster [source]

1 Sentence Plot Synopsis: A Group of honourable samurai seek to assassinate a power-crazed, psychopathic noble, who will come to political eminence if he lives.
Highlights:The entire battle scene is great film-making, superbly staged and breath-taking. Other highlights include the burning bulls, the limbless woman and of course 'TOTAL MASSACRE.'
Madness: Straight Forward, especially by Miike standards**
Gore: Some pretty gruesome massacres ****
Story: Straight Forward Samurai movie ****            
Overall: *****
Thoughts: Again, I have already mentioned this movie before. A surprisingly straight forward samurai action movie with a fantastic battle, and one of the most despicable bad guys in all movies. Terrific.

One more thing: plot synopsis are hard for demented movies. Hope you enjoyed this, because I've already basically written the next one (update, it can be found when you click-a-majic this button.