Found: The Least Original Posh Person Ever

Hello, this may seem a little mean, but I've run it by a couple of easily offended acquaintances, and they say it's ok. I was browsing Facebook and noticed a facebook friend was going by train from Edinburgh to London. What's the big deal there? I hear you ask, and I'd agree with you up to this point, but let me finish. He's ok, but a bit of a posh dick: he's loud, he wears red pants in public, is a huge monarchic advocate and votes Conservative. He's 22, you know the type. I was thinking how glad I was that I wasn't in a carriage with him, before someone typed onto his status that they were on the same train (amazing!) and had wine and giggles in coach C (Hooray!). This friend, with wine in him, is unpleasantly noisy, and I can only imagine how much worse it is if he gets the encouragement from a bunch of posh girls. A closer inspection of one of the girls shows that she is the least original person ever. The following are her publicly available cover photos. I've blacked out all faces taken from them, but they are so unoriginal, chances are that she won't even recognise them herself. So, here is every posh girl's facebook cover shots ever:

Says: Went to Durham/Leeds/Newcastle/Bristol Uni, now working in HR in London.

Just me by a beach, hand melded to hip.

A lovely stroll with Henry, who is fourth in line to a throne which no longer exists

Out with the gals! (Marlborough Girls School Unofficial Reunion - Whoo!)

Time for Jumpies on the Beachie! (Seriously, what is it with posh people jumping on the beach?)

Posh girl in skiing pose shocker.

 The only surprise I have is that she doesn't have one of her atop Kilimanjaro with her shit-eating sixth form mates, but maybe that's a profile picture. Anyway, sorry about this, she's probably not a terrible person, just a little unimaginative: from her pictures here, and one comment left on a distant friends facebook status, I know how she sounds, her hobbies, and how much I don't really want to meet her, and that's really what Facebook stalking is all about.

Yours, as ever, in haste, Pascal.

Thoughts On School, Nearly a Decade After Leaving

I left school ages ago, and had the good luck / bad luck of going to a lot of them in my time (we moved around a lot; I got a scholarship to another, you know the drill). The result is, I've kept in touch, or at least acquaintance with a lot of people from a lot of schools. The following are generalisations which I have picked up. All can be rebutted, but I am surprised by how well kept to they are. Incidentally, this arose from meeting with an old friend by chance, and a discussion and coffee arising from it.

1. The sluttier the girl was in school, the more likely she gets married at 22.

2. The sluttier the guy was, the more likely he's got several kids to tonnes of different idiot women, and is bald and unmarried.

3. Girls who experimented with lesbianism tend to be straight now, while gay guys seem to largely have kept to it. The lesson here seems to be that lesbianism is passing, gays aren't.

4. Rockers and stoners either get heavily into drugs and become fat wasters with kids and a fat goth spouse, or become complete corporate drones. This late on from leaving school, they rarely stay cool.

5. Guys who were really popular for being good at sports guys are now more likely to be fat, or have unimaginative lives (for most, I mean a boring corporate job in London which they secretly hate). They are also most likely to be still hanging out with their friends from school. A group of people I went to school with are still living together, 6 in a house, in London somewhere. I can't imagine how boring their lives must be.

6. Assholes remain assholes. This is of course, rebuttable, but largely is true.

7. The most successful people were identified, or not... I went to school with an All Black, a famous yachtswoman, and a famous shitty author. All of these people were identified as 'something special' at the time. The 'nerds' tend to be a little more successful now, but that's largely due to intelligence and devotion.

8. People who stand to inherit anything are the biggest assholes of them all. I am looking at a colossal tosser I went to school with who will inherit his dad's farm, land and properties, before bringing another generation of assholes in to replace the whole thing. He's not changed a bit, and I'm glad someone beat the shit out of him while we were still at school. The same thing applies, although to a lesser extent, to others.

 9. Prettiness or good-lookingness is subjective, but people have the face they deserve by the time you reach, say, 30. I was always amazed at various schools how who was 'attractive' changed every couple of days, and followed a genuine herd mentality. Luckily for me, I know what I like, and I knew how to get it. Or something. To a surprising extent, this applies in adult life too.

10. Couples who got together in school, stayed together through university and are still together now have only a couple of options. They are either cheating on each other secretly, or are stuffed up to the brim with kids and mortgage. I lost a good friend to this.

11. You're not set by who you are when you leave school, you can change your views, perceptions, looks, attitude and being. However, chances are, if you were an asshole at 18, you're still one now.

The important lesson from this, school is largely irrelevant; if you want to learn, you learn on your own. Also, while people change, there's not much incentive to if you don't broaden your horizons.

Hope everyone is rockin'
P

Non Samurai-Guy 4: The Rest

Hi everyone, I'm editing things that I wrote and kept as drafts from ages ago, so today we go back to the amazingly unpopular look at Akira Kurosawa movies, 'Non-Samurai Guy' the first three bits of which can be found here, here and here. Since writing this, I've seen some more, but these are the last three movies I can be bothered talking about, so here you go. Spoilers all over the place.

1. The Quiet Duel [1949]

A pretty ordinary poster indeed. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: An idealistic doctor is diagnosed with an effectively incurable disease, and deals with it in a very Japanese way.
Thoughts: This is an odd character piece about morality and disease, it establishes, possibly, Kurosawa's theme that humans are nothing but malfunctioning machines. Its postwar setting, and the thinly veiled allegory for a 'disease caught from a soldier,' puts it alongside movies such as Stray Dog and Drunken Angel, which also depict Japan struggling to come to terms with its defeat and subsequent decline as a military power. The movie also brushes upon another Kurosawa favourite: unfairness - Toshiro Mifune is an unusually moral Doctor, who through no fault of his own catches a terminal STD. The disease is given to him by a soldier who would have to work hard to be described as a 'turd.' The soldier shows up from time to time, mainly to cause trouble. The unfairness, and bad things happening to good people is also seen in the Bad Sleep Well and even I Live In Fear, and is often seen in Kurosawa's later movies

Things have come a long way since the 1940s, not just the cigarette during surgery, but look at that guys haircut on the right!  [source]

Mifune's doctor, aware of his future health and fertility issues, breaks up with his fiancee, who reluctantly goes to another man. She suspects that he has a disease, but he tells her nothing. This is an interesting cultural sign of stoicism: she mentions that if he was to simply tell her the truth, she would wait. However, he refuses and so obeys. It's bizarre, as is the notion, today, that syphilis is beyond treatment, which also acts as another reminder of the dire situation of Japan in the years following their defeat. Shimura, as Mifune's dad, has relatively little to do other than confirm the trope of master and apprentice, another Kurosawa favourite. Perhaps most interesting of all is the presence of two sympathetic female characters, one of whom is a single mother. This hints at the screenplay's origins as a play - I would assume an original screenplay would make at least one of them a little less sympathetic. It also may hint at the loss of young men from the War, though we aren't told specifically if she is divorced or widowed. Either way, she's a strong, clever and loyal character, who seems to suggest that she'll settle with Dr. Mifune too. In conclusion, this is surprisingly straight-forward Kurosawa movie; certainly it's the only one I've seen that will settle for fart Jokes. On the whole, interesting, though not thoroughly recommended.

2. Dreams [1990]

If I had the idea to make a movie about my dreams, I'd be laughed out of the boardroom, but just because he made a dozen or so of the best movies of all time, Kurosawa gets a free reign? Hmm... Either way, this isn't for me. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Like a thirteen year old girl, Kurosawa thinks that we are interested in his dreams.
Thoughts: I'm not a fan. Late in his career, Kurosawa tells about his dreams through imagery. Martin Scorsese turns up for a little bit too. Other than a moderately atmospheric bit in the snow, it's all awful, especially that peach tree that comes to life. It looks nice, but so does going for a walk outside. Seriously, this is such nonsense, don't even bother.

3. Ikiru [1952] 

An absolutely hideous poster. It looks like outsider art. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A career bureaucrat takes a new lease on life when he discovers that he has cancer.
Thoughts: A faceless drone learns that he has cancer, and tries to make amends for the faceless drone life he has lived so far. He parties, but doesn't enjoy it. He tries to make up with his son, but he finds he is a dick. Instead, he lives it up with a cute office worker who used to refer to him as 'the Mummy' because he had never had a day off in his career. She invigorates him, and he makes it his duty to build a children's play park on a abandoned lot, but is met by red tape and apathy, something which he is uniquely posed to counter. This plost was the initial story of Parks and Recreation - coincidence? Also of note is that at least 5, possibly 6 of the Samurai are in various parts in the movie, which shows Kurosawa's use of favourite actors in his movies. The only one definitely not in, is his favourite and mine, Toshiro Mifune, who was supposedly to be the lead in this movie, which would have given a completely different vibe to the whole thing. Again we see the Japanese fear of bluntness through the diagnosis of the cancer. Instead of telling him directly, he is told through code given to him by another patient. This is a small thing, but quite interesting.

Look at him there, with his moustache and his files. Loser. [source]

What's interesting is that though this is considered a masterpiece (Roger Ebert added it it his vaulted 'Great Movies' list, for example) a lot of the major plot points occur off screen, most notably his death. I was also surprised that the most famous scene, of Shimura on the swing, is a full half hour from the film's conclusion. The next most famous scene, of him singing a song reminding people to live their lives while they can, is sung in a bizarre, alien monotone, and to my eyes it looked like the crowd was sparked into fear by his depressing news and weird singing. The conclusion is also noteworthy, the whole movie suggests that anyone, given the right motivation (in this case a tumour the size of a dog brain) can make a difference to other peoples lives, this is offset by the conclusion. At the bureaucrats wake, following the swing scene, there is still more than enough time for it to show that his actions did nothing to help, and that all of his colleagues will help to maintain the cycle of inefficiency and bureaucracy. Only one other office worker is influenced to make a difference. A sign, perhaps, that even the slightest difference is better than a lifetime of apathy. 
In conclusion, despite all I've just said, this is a masterpiece, both depressing and uplifting. I have the distinct feeling that this will become more apt as I age. It's also proof, if that was needed, that Shimura is not just the silver medal to Toshiro Mifune, even though he is less dreamy.

OK that's enough of that! Hope everyone is well,
 Pascal! 

5 Cities I'd Like To Visit

I've travelled a fair bit, and I like to think that I've seen some things. There are any number of things I still haven't seen, and these are the 5 cities that I'd most like to... see that is. For the sake of fairness, and so that I don't get my hopes up too far, I'd like to show you a picture of all of these cities looking 'not at their best.'

5. Berlin

Apparently it's lifted its game since 1945 [source]

Why? I want to see the Reichstag, drink beer, and see the grave they've erected for that polar bear who was the centre of an international protest when they didn't 'just let it die.' I'm also partial to Schnitzel.

4. Mombasa

Kenya believe that this place is a dump? [source]

Why? The name itself sounds like music. It sounds like fun, and is near wildlife sanctuaries, which means it is near wild elephants (until they are all murdered for their horns to be used as all-purpose medical cures). The only drag would be the incredible number of posh English people there, I call this 'Kilimanjaro Syndrome.' Do you know any posh people who haven't climbed that mountain for charity? I rest my case.

3. Bucharest

Another place that's lifted its game since 1945 [source]

Why? Because I've met three Romanian ladies, and all of them have been absolutely 10/10 hotness. I've been to Bulgaria, which borders Romania, and the girls there are unbelievably gorgeous too (although they hit their peak at 21, and by 25 look like grandmothers), so this would not only be to see Romanian stuff, but to scam on Romanian chicks. This choice brought to you by the penis.

2. Tokyo

A large-scale rebuilding took place after 1945 here too, I wonder why? [source]

Why? This would probably be at no.1, but I've already been to Japan and I'm arguing that it would be a less of a shock for me than what I have at no. 1

1. Moscow

Soldiers Russian to Finnish the march. [source]

Why? pretty awesome, I've got a mate working out there who is desperate for us all to come and see it. The Kremlin is apparently colossal, and the whole place looks incredibly exotic and interesting. I suppose I'll have to check it out before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

some of you may, rightly point out that there are no cities in the Americas. That is because these places don't interest me in the slightest.

Hope you're having a great one, greetings from Copenhagen
Pascal!

Nintendo 64 Games - A Retrospective (Part One)

We had a Nintendo 64 when I was growing up. We moved to the UK, and had our house robbed and everything stolen within a couple of weeks. We got replacement money for new games, so we ended up owning a fair amount of different games over time. The lesson from this, insurance kicks ass - home robbery doesn't. Still, here are my memories of all the games that I played a lot of either through owning it, or through playing with friends. For the sake of interest, these are in the order that I wrote them down. For the sake of entertainment, I'll put in my patented plot-in-one-sentence things.

1. Goldeneye

Plot In One Sentence: You play as James Bond in Goldeneye. 

Apparently graphics have come a long way since 1997 [Source]

Thoughts: I never really got the fuss about this game. The multiplayer I found either too easy or too reliant on luck, and the missions were either far too easy or far too difficult, or incredibly frustrating. I've not played it in like, a decade, but I still remember that tank level as the height of annoyance. Also, it's funny today to think that the graphics were pretty cutting edge for the time, they look vaguely obscene today. 
 

2. Perfect Dark

Plot In One Sentence: A disappointing semi-sequel to Goldeneye, following Joanna Dark, a spy who fights these shitty aliens and spends a huge amount of time in lifts.

Apparently Graphics have come a long way since 1999 [source]

Thoughts: Yeah, as I said, disappointing. the multiplayer was a little better this time, and it required the booster pack (conveniently priced by Nintendo itself), the weapons were more imaginative than before, but the story itself was pretty stupid, and before too long, we're fighting aliens. Tough too.

3. Mystical Ninja Starring Goemon

Plot In One Sentence: Goemon, an outlaw ninja, teams up in 3D with his allies to save his girlfriend, a fair chunk of Japan, and himself from giant robots, and the weirdest, campest bad guys ever.

Image taken from the food temple, what a bizarre, delicious game. [source]

Thoughts: A bizarre, amusing and self-aware game, it's set in ancient times but has frequent nods to video games and breaks the fourth wall frequently (the giant robot you fight with for a a couple of battles tells of his plans to go to Hollywood). He, and the musical-obsessed bad guys also have genuine music interludes, complete with songs. Great music (which I still catch myself whistling from time to time), intelligent gameplay and deals heavily in Japanese mythology, geography and story tropes, largely a  joy, with a few flaws, such as the lack of sane hints, the frequent backtracking, and the lengthy travel times between some lands. Still, enjoyable.

4. Goemon's Great Adventure

Plot In One Sentence: Goemon and friends are back, this time in 2.5D to best an evil dude who plans to take over the earth and afterlife (or something)

Couldn't find a link of the actual gameplay, so here's some fan-art [source]

Thoughts: There was a time when I had a stepping machine and Nintendo 64 in my room, I would stomp away and play games, particularly this one. It's flawed, certainly, some of the missions go on for far too long (there's one where you have to collect mushrooms, and it takes enough time to break a stepping machine), some require far too many coins, which means going through the same levels again and again, and earning your friends is too easy, - the final temple is genuinely tough, and the gameplay is great fun, the bonus costumes are fun, and the two player was something an ex and I used to do together. A unique experience in my romantic life.

5. Legend Of Zelda, Ocarina of Time

Plot In One Sentence: Can be seen here
Thoughts: I've described this before, if you want to read about it, go here. Needless to say, it's a goodie, with a few minor flaws which were largely corrected in the excellent 3DS version. I've just worked out too that we have Majora's Mask in our house, but when we first got it my sister had an absolute monopoly on it, so we couldn't play it. 12 or so years on, I still haven't.

6. F-Zero X

Plot In One Sentence: It's the future, people, including you,  race in giant, enormously fast machines.

An entire universe filled with racers, and a gimp is in second place? [source]

Thoughts: A great game despite its terrible music and pretty lame graphics. Genuinely fast, and challenging, winning all the cups is a genuinely rewarding challenge, which unlocks a 'random track generator' which I wasn't so convinced about. having 30 cars on the track was impressive for the time, and explained the pared down graphics. Multiplayer was only ok, as it was between only 4 or 5 cars, not 30. Still, one of of the games I was very best at, and it was difficult to beat me, at least among my friends, there were doubtless millions of dedicated racers who would wipe the floor with me. 

Depending how popular this is, this is the first part of maybe three or four. Looking back at this, at this, how did I ever get anything done? I didn't

Also, here is the video from the first Goemon game: what the hell were they on?

Things which are annoying me

Celebrity news isn't news. I always think that it should be there for people who want it, but you should be able to ignore it. I've always found that with something trivial, if you ignore it, it goes away. Why then does irksome tot Justin Bieber make worldwide news for tuning up late to a concert hall filled with idiots and their kids? Why has the BBC started mentioning Kardashians in the news round up? Who cares that Dennis Rodman went to North Korea? Wouldn't that news time be better spent discussing animal poaching, or the ongoing global financial crisis? It's not news. All of these things were mentioned in the same week, on major news shows. Really weak.

Similarly, whoever they elect as pope will encourage homophobia, primitivism and try to make people forget about the horrendous crimes against the vulnerable by the substantial minority of the church. Stop giving a ridiculous backwards election so much news attention. While the world was frothing over the pointless election, news of a $10m cover up of child sex abuse was swept to the back pages. Also, the new guy is 76, he's not a long-term replacement, is he?

Also, don't even get me started on those freakin' B.T. ads which just make me want to commit war crimes. It's not been a good week.

Yours in haste, Pascal.

Terrible Movies by This Year's Oscar Winners

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well. Today's feature, coming well after the buzz of the Oscars has died down, looks at the worst movies I've seen starring this years Oscar winners. Not so clever now, are they?

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln, has also been in...

A lot more fun for him to act than it was for me to watch [source]

...Nine. I also thought he overplayed it a bit in Gangs of New york, but this wins. Nine is the kind of movie 'you only watch because you want to let your girlfriend think she's in control, but in fact you want to see Marion Cotillard dancing around, and even that's disappointing because the movie's so dull.' I sat through it, probably ate malteasers, tried not to fall asleep, and have almost no recollection of it other than once Penelope Cruz was dancing and then Judi Dench comes out of nowhere to trick your libido into submission. Weird. In a not entirely unpleasant way, but the movie sucks.

Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook...

A friend described her as 'handsome' - I took that to mean, 'butch, but you would' [source]

 is also in... Hunger Games. I've just realised that the only other movie I've seen with her in it was Winter's bone, which wasn't bad. The internet is wanking in admiration of her, though I can't help but think she's a little weird looking, especially side-on. Still, it's amazing what a pair of boobs can do for a female. I've been told The Hunger Games is a good book for teens, but the movie seemed like a really crappy rip off of Battle Royale. I know I've seen this, and I have no earthly idea when I saw it, it may have been when I broke my arm and had to pretend to work from home for a couple of weeks.

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Waltz in Django Unchained helped stink up the awful...

Looking to unsheath his weapon. [source]

...Three Musketeers. The kind of movie you watch on a night in when you live with two lesbians. Which I did. They hated it too. Useless, unfunny, terrible steampunk action scenes. A piece of shit.
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables

Has Kate Hudson been punched in the nose? Man I hate this movie. [source]

...is also in... a surprising number of terrible movies.I think I also saw Get Smart on a plane, but I couldn't remember, which probably means that I did. I also don't imagine that the Princess Diaries 2 adds anything to its predecessor, which I LOVED. Not really, still, Bride Wars wins here, because it's terrible, and because my friend was fired on suspicion of stealing this; after a tribunal which proved she didn't, she was given this on DVD, a weeks wages, and an apology. We watched this and realised that it was the worst award ever.

Best Director: Ang Lee for Life Of Pi, also gave us...

This is only ten years old, but would cost about $4.50 to get that effect today. [source]

...The Hulk, with Eric Bana. This wasn't so bad, but I watched it on ITV3 on a Sunday afternoon, which gives you an idea of how well received it was. Eric Bana is a funny guy, but the movie was pretty terrible and it hasn't aged well. The bit at the end where the Hulk fights a US helicopter for some reason, is terribly done. I also remember it taking forever, and there being far too many scenes in labs. Still, not the best.

Best Film: Argo by Ben Affleck, who afflicted us with...

Well, he's certainly aged well, I suppose [source]

... Armageddon, and Shakespeare in Love - In the same year! I've heard a lot about how terrible Gigli is, so I've never seen it. I have however seen both Shakespeare in Love, and Armageddon, both of which are awful, and which rightly prejudiced me against his later works, until I saw Gone Baby Gone (which I wouldn't have heard of but for the controversy of its British release). He also did the pretty fair The Town, and Argo, which is based both on a true story and Team America: World Police. Still, he seems like a good director, and an even better South Park parody.

Ok, that's all you crackers are getting for now, take care, and stay saucy.

5 Surprisingly Tender Love Songs by Psychotic Bands

 Hello all,
No point shagging about today; you've read the title, so no need to elaborate. Let's get on with it.

1. Ween - Stay Forever

Possibly Ween's most straight-forward song, with little room for moral ambiguity. A lovely simple composition and positive lyrics, acts as proof - if proof be need be - of Ween's genius. For proof of their moral ambiguity at work, see 'Mr Would You Please Help My Pony?' 'Spinal Menangitis,' or any of about a million other songs. 

2. Screaming Trees - Make My Mind

A vastly underrated band, which partially explains the fawning admiration for Mark Lanegan's various, and varied quality, side projects. The Screaming Trees were probably unlucky not to make the 'Grunge Four' into a 'Grunge Five,' but a combination of bad luck, personality problems, and being populated by big fat asses seemed to work against them. This song, taken from Dust, is largely a lovely sentiment coupled with inspiring chorus, which at the same time could also be interpreted as being from a romantic stalker. This makes it the best kind of love song.

3. Black Sabbath - Sabbra Cadabra

 This, taken from Sabbath Bloody Sabbath, a nearly flawless album despite its title, (also it loses its shit big time in the second half, when the synth machine takes over). Despite the songs title, and the uber-riff that starts the thing off; the lyrics suggest a straight-forward love song, and a suggestion of sexual dependence which threatens all life. Needless to say, this makes it better. Less pleasant, I think, that this might refer to Sharon Osbourne, which renders it absolutely moot.

4. Type O Negative - Blood & Fire

 Another song interrupted -and improved- by an earth-shaking guitar solo. Type O Negative were, I thought, underrated and much more humourous than their fans would have you think. 'I Like Goils', and 'Angry Inch' are just two examples, and there is an inherent humour to the bands most famous song, 'Black #1' Still, this song is a great descriptor of the abyss one is sunk into after the end of a relationship, but retains enough of the love and happy memories to get it on this list.

5. AC/DC - 'Ride On' and 'Love Song'

Perhaps neither of these are the bands best song (particularly 'Love Song' which never found release outside Australia). However, 'Ride On' is unusually introspective for AC/DC, acknowleging the misery of realising that sometimes, if you love somone, it's sometimes best to let them go. This from the band that sang 'Let Me Put My Love Into You,' and 'Big Balls'

There you have it. Take care crackers.

Quick Tips

How to seem smarter than you are in a discussion situation.

1. Don't quote, especially don't quote Einstein, the most misquoted genius of all time. It makes you look pretentious rather than smart.

2. Don't say, "umm", or "uhh", if you say nothing in its place, they will look like intelligent, pregnant pauses.

3. If everyone is guessing a way that something will go, and it seems likely between only 2, guess a third. No one will remember you if you are right in guessing the more predictable way, but will if you pull a guess out of thin air.

4. Err on the side of quiet, rather than too talkative.

5. Don't chew gum, you look like a cow.

6. Be more intelligent than most, which is where most of us fall down.


I'll add more later, but this is boring. Hope everyone's rockin'

Time To Gloat

"I always take it for granted that sexual moralising by public figures is a sign of hypocrisy or worse, and most usually a desire to perform the very act that is most being condemned. This is why, whenever I hear some bigmouth in Washington or the Christian heartland banging on about the evils of sodomy or whatever, I mentally enter his name in my notebook and contentedly set my watch. Sooner rather than later he will be discovered down on his knees in some dreary motel or latrine, with an expired Visa card, having tried to pay well over the odds to be peed upon by some Apache transvestite" - Christopher Hitchens

The late, great Hitch is proved to be right, once again, with the news that nasty, bigoted, repressed religious figure Cardinal O'Brein, a leading figure in the anti-homosexual marriage campaign, has himself admitted to improper sexual behaviour. It's all over the news, but you can read about it, for example, here. I can't say I'm surprised, but I can say that I predicted it, when I wrote of this over a year ago, although predicting a Catholic Sex Scandal seems to be as predictable as a predicting a sunset. 

Still, O'Brein has asked for forgiveness, which makes everything fine. Fuck him.

Jimmy Carr: Tosser

Hello all and happy March. Today, three - just 3 - reasons why I don't like Jimmy Carr. I think they all stand up to scrutiny. I've avoided the fourth, that he's not as funny as he thinks he is, out of respect for myself.

1. The Laugh. 

You know the laugh, it's incredibly annoying.

It's almost definitely an affectation too. Anyone who 'decides' to laugh like that should be neutered by grim faced enforcers with rusty and blunt scissors. Just watching that 26s video made my brain boil.

2. The Apologies 

If you're a comedian, you're probably going to push the envelope and shock people. This means that at times, people get will offended. That's part of what you do, and part of what makes the audience feel important. His joke about amputees made the British tabloids have that particular week's outrage. You can read about it here. He then went and made a pitiful apology, dropping the joke from his act. If you are a comedian, don't apologise for anything, especially when your joke was inane and possibly even true.

3. The Tax Evasion Wuss-dom.

Defying rational thought, Jimmy Carr earns a lot of money, and he earned controversy for using technically legal loopholes to prevent paying tax. I think that this is excusable, if it's legal. I'd certainly consider it I wasn't so penniless. However, attention was drawn to it, which lead to all kinds of cretins wading in to voice their opinion. Chief amongst whom was David Cameron, who is, to put it lightly, an over entitled shit of a man, who should be as far from politics as he is from having a full head of hair. He waded in and said that, amongst other things, Jimmy Carr (in particular) was morally wrong for using this schemes. He said this instead of, I dunno, closing the loopholes through legal measures or acts of parliament.* However, instead of telling Cameron to search for his lost monocle, Carr made a snivelling, fawning apology, including a wussy twitter apology. If the comedian had any balls at all, he would have said, "It may be morally wrong, but it's up to you to close those loopholes. It's not illegal, and if it should be, then it's up to you to make it, you lying shiny-faced anachronism." Carr, instead of saying this, apologised, and probably stopped using the schemes (I couldn't find any evidence whether or not he uses them anymore), even though he didn't have to. That's why it's point 3.

 Also, he's not funny. He drags down any of the million shows he's in, I don't like his jokes. Other than this, I won't think about him again. Next.

   *what right an old Etonion who is set to inherit millions from both of his parents has to say about money is beyond me; and to choose a 'celebrity' to go after instead of bankers who make millions in tax free bonuses every year makes me loathe him more than I thought possible.