48HRs. The most 80s movie ever.

Hello all, hope you enjoy this!

Desperate to escape the thronging crowds of Londoners here for the increasingly out-of-control Edinburgh Festival, I went to see a movie with a couple of friends. Also as part of the festival, one of the smaller movie houses is replaying some old movies. We stayed for a couple of them, and I want to talk about them today. The place was busy, and so we grabbed tickets to what we could. The two movies were:

1. Born to fight:
A Thai movie, produced by the same people who made the Ong-Bak movies. This, absolutely ludicrous plot, has some terrorists taking over a village to use as hostages to get a war criminal general out of jail. THe village, however, has some of the Thai national Sports Stars visiting (for some reason), as well as the surviving policeman who just happened to arrest the general in the first place. So far, so action movie. However, it takes forever to get going, they spend literally a third of the movie on the ground, surrounded by gun toting militia, and only reluctantly start fighting at the end. The athletes all use their skills (high jump, for example) to overcome the terrorists, but their specific skills are only alluded to until then. It's utterly bizarre. When they're not being held hostage, the villagers are either being 'funny,' and sentimental together, or mercilessly killed in slow motion. For example, you know from the loving look between young daughter and father will end with his execution right in front of her. It's the worst mix of tones ever. There are some interesting stunts, but it's overlong even at an hour and 20 minutes, and doesn't develop into the cult classic guilty pleasure that it should. It's pretty much the definition of a wasted b-movie premise. Pretty unimpressive.

 Finishing this, a little flat, we went to the next movie, one none of us had seen, the renowned cult buddy cop movie, 48hrs. I admit, a little, socially lubricated (drunk, in case you were wondering).

2. 48 HRs:
The only thing I knew about this was that it started the craze of 'buddy cop' movies, and that it was directed by the same guy who made 'The Warriors' and 'Southern comfort.' Those are two solid action movies, the latter in particular, and there is an overlap of characters and themes with those movies, and probably others of his oeuvre* too. For example, all three of those movies involve: gritty male characters, initially in opposition but gaining friendship over time; and racing against time to achieve a goal and reach safety. The plot here involves a grizzled cop getting a petty criminal a 48 hour day trip out of jail so that he can help him solve some crimes related to him. The cop is white (Nick Nolte, so grizzled you can smell him) and the criminal is black (Eddie Murphy and his tiny teeth). Often, 48hrs is held as a forgotten classic. I think it's the perfect example of 80s action movies, beliefs, and a perfect showcase for all the trappings of a generic cop movie.

That's not to say that it's a bad movie. It's entertaining, often funny, and well made: it's a tight action movie. However, some of the views on show are terrible, and a lot of the action and plotting has been done to death in subsequent movies. It's a little like 'The Graduate' or 'Die Hard' in which you may as well have seen it before in every other movie of its genre, or in the simpsons episodes. Originality breeds unoriginal followers.

Anyway, some of the views on show, in a rough, 1980s San Fransisco, include but are not limited to: a lot of use of the N-bomb, spear-chucker and other terms to describe Eddie Murphy. It's good evidence that those cretins who complain that political correctness has gone mad, are indeed cretins. Also involved is an American Indian, who is one of the guys in the Predator crew). Views on women aren't very enlightened either, at several points Nolte threatens to strangle women, while prostitutes are treated roughly (this despite their obligatory 'hearts of gold'). Eddie Murphy, as a prisoner on day-release, also says some of the worst things about, and to, various women. It's the kind of shit that would make Jim Davidson blush. Aside from some unpleasant desciptions (describing a vagina as 'trim' isn't fun in this day and age), he also dances with the obligatory 'curly-headed-sassy-80s-black-girl,' and before saying hello says "if I'm not in some flesh in five minutes I'll kill someone" (that's not a misquote, we all remembred it). She is, rightly appalled, but then is shown to have slept with him later, even promising to wait for him till he gets out of jail.


Other than Morally, the movie is a showcase for 80s movies cliches. The only real ones I can't think of are, perhaps, an endangered baby, and the hero running and jumping away from an explosion. Let's have a look at some scenes:

• The cop drinks, fights dirty, and has women problems, but he gets the job DONE!
• The 'good' guys, in a car, are involved in a gunfight with the badguys, who are in a bus.
• This scene above is only possible because of the immense good fortune in finding their bus, despite not suspecting a bus, nor seeing them driving it. He just appears next to it. 
• Various car chases make civilian cars swerve out of the way
• One chase ends with a car smashed through a store window
• Despite racially abusing each other throughout the movie, the two leads are friends by the end of the movie, for no real reason other than mutual respect.
• There is an angry, black D.A. who suspends Nick Nolte ("you're off the case!" he shouts)
• The two are stumped about what to do, but the location of the two badguys is found because of a sarcastic remark by Eddie Murphy.
• The final battle takes place in a steam-filled, darkened alleyway.
• Nolte nearly has the bad guys, but is wrongly stopped by police before any shooting can take place.
• The main badguy, previously a shoot-first type of guy, talks to Eddie Murphy, and then takes him hostage instead of keeping with his persona and just shooting him.
•  Dozens of shots are fired at point blank range and miss.
• Dozens of shots are fired and no gun is ever reloaded. 

As well as this, there are at least two chase scenes don't follow logic. The chaser is right behind them, and by the time they reach a corner, they are a huge distance behind them, losing their target. This happens at least twice in the underground metro chase scene.

Also of note is the fashion, and music. So many of the genre tropes are there and present, this seems like the kind of thing which would be the buddy cop to end all buddy cop movies. It's interesting, not only because the action scenes include every 80s cliche ever, but also offer a good glimpse into views whch people who decry the rise of political correctness would have us still spouting. A flawed classic, probably.

Pictures up here soon, hope you're all just super.

*That's right assholes, dropped an o-bomb.

B.T., Absolute piece of shit.

I had an important Skype meeting today, with someone in another timezone. Rather than stay in the office, I decided to go home to do it. It was important, so I prepared, made myself comfortabe, and waited for their call (the interview was at about 1am). Needless to say, the internet connection cut out. It turned out it wasn't from the side of the conversation which is in the third world (I guess China is still largely 'developing'). Rather, the internet problems stem from the supposedly high-end connection from one of the largest cities in the United Kingdom. B.T. is my Service Provider and todays whining is about that shitty company. The service is slow, the charges are exorbitant, and the internet is getting much slower.

Slower, I think, that's annoying, I wonder what is making the internet slower? Then I reaslied that B.T. are paying £750 million on a revamp for TV rights. The end result is, they spend nearly a billion pounds, we get sports channels. The result, they are paying to air some soccer matches instead of revamping the internet speed. At some stage, some high up has asked  'What's more important, the fact that South Korea's average internet speed is 40 times faster than it's British counterpart, or a few soccer games?' and answered that soccer is more important in a modern, supposedly first world country. I've complained about soccer a few times, but that's not the worst bit: it's the fact that it's just been forced on us. I resent that.

I resent the fact that my service, already shoddy, is going to get worse. I resent the fact that half of the bill goes to 'line rental,' whatever that means. I resent the fact that when my BT internet hub broke (due to their manufacturing error) it took three weeks, and at least a dozen phone calls to fix it. I resent the fact that to leave the contract I'm on I will need to pay out the colon. I hate the fact that they are giving us no option to opt out of this sports shit, and we are being charged anyway. Most of all though, I hate the ads.

I know I've talked about the B.T. Ads before, but I am vehement in my hatred of them. I only saw the end of the one with an irritating family (brought together through BT phones and internet), and they were bad enough. The current ads, however, with three students in a flat, cracking-wise, is enough to make me pray for a meteor strike to put us all out of our misery. While these three shit-eating, show-off, assholes laugh around with speedy downloads, I'm sat watiing for pictures to load to put up on this very page (no shit, I had some ready, but it's taking forever).

Fuck B.T., and fuck everyone involved in this BT Sports shamble. Fuck anyone who hoists soccer on me and charges me for it.

OK, that's cathartic, hope everyone who isn't involved with BT is going great guns.

P.s. I've got some good posts coming up soon!

A (Bitter) List Of Reasons I Don't Like The English Cricket Team

Yes, this may seem a little bitter. Yes, most of the judgements I make here aren't substantiated. So what? If I can't follow instincts from time to time, why do we even have them? The following are (non-exhaustive) reasons why I don't like the England Cricket team.

First of all, the fans don't help. Miserable and excuse-making when they lose, churlish and unpleasant when they win, they make it not fun to be around. To put this into perspective, when beer is involved, I could get along with 90% of the world.

The commentators are irritating too. Although there are some good ones who are English, David Gower is relatively impartial and innocuous, as is Mike Atherton, David Lloyd is pretty entertaining, the bad ones more than outweigh that. for example, take the entertaining, intelligent and wise commentary of Shane Warne, or David Lloyd, and compare that to the whining, self-aggrandising nonsense of Ian Botham. Compare it with the ridiculous Nasser Hussain, who seems to thnk himself as one of the all-time greats, instead of a tosser who looks like a failed Michael Keaton. I fully admit that Mark Taylor and the guys who commentate in australia are pretty bad too, but that's not the point of this.

Now we go onto the actual players, my most disliked is Stuart Broad. Not because of that 'should he have walked?' thing (he was right not to). Instead, I dislike him for his obvious, misplaced arrogance, I dislike him for the temper, and the false bravado. Despite being posh, he thinks he's tough. He reminds me of a guy I met who went to Harrow school but shaved a mohawk and tried to start fights with other, better people. That's bad enough, but the worst thing is, he seems like a shit bloke. Would you want to meet him for a drink? Exactly.

Alistair Cook is also annoying, though not as much as Broad. There's something about his face, combined with his accent which makes you want to spend the whole night hitting on his girlfriend to try to annoy him, and he wouldn't get angry, just say "I'm sorry, but could you stop hitting on my girlfriend?" Why would he need to apologise. He looks and sounds like an over-privileged, kettle-headed buffoon. He may be a good batsman, but is it worth it?

Significantly, the 'England' team is choc-full of South Africans. The backbone of the batting is comprised of Kevin Pieterson, Ian Trott, and Matt Prior. Recently retired is Andrew Strauss, another South African born.  You can't boast about winning if the team is full of ringers. Before English fans spit out your tea and say 'they have every right to play for England. Jonathan Trott has an English grandmother By Jove!" and being sullen all day, you should watch a video interview with Jonathan Trott and try to claim the same thing. There's a reason he only looks and bats like a south African, and sounds like one, it's because he is a South African. I'm not sure about Matt Prior, but Kevin Pieterson is still, and always will be to me, a jug-faced, menstrual  Jaapie, despite his increasingly mock-cockney voice.  Pieterson, with his jug-face, constant and embarrassing arguments with managements, frequent twitter outbursts (the true sign of a solipsistic cock) and tribal tattoos which are terrible even by tribal tattoos standards, is a prick. However much of an England fan you are, hearing Pieterson and his giant head talking about 'triumphs in English Cricket' should make you ashamed. 

I'm not a fan of Ian Bell, or Graeme Swann, both of whom are overrated, particularly by the English commentators. They're both ok, but the fact that their averages are up there with other, better players, is a sign of the decline of test cricket. 

The same is true for Jimmy Anderson, a miserable, bandy-legged prick who has a face you'd never tire of slapping. Despite not being very good, at a historical level, he's been whingeing around long enough to be pretty high up on the England all-time wicket takers list. Bizarre. I was going to write about the joyless way that England go about their cricket, the utterly boring interviews which show what cretins they are, or Tim Bresnan, but I'll leave you with this... if you have David Cameron or Prince Harry cheering alongside you, you're most likely a prick.

The Moron's Forum, Muted.

I've downloaded an app which actually does something useful. Whatever website you are on, it will automatically stop you from seeing the comments underneath websites. This user-generated hate-forum is  where the most bitter, least important arguments of all time are raging. The very fact that I can't see them isn't perfect - I still remember that they're ongoing - but it's as close to perfect as possible. I dislike these comments at the best of times, not only because I find minutes whiling away while I read in astonishment at some of the variously rabid, naive, or ill-informed things said there. I dislike the bickering and name-calling through the cloak of anonymity (I admit this is done through a pseudonym, but any opinion I've ever expressed here I would be happy to express to your stupid face...). I have noticed that even on the more upmarket websites which offer them, really the views expressed are the same, they just have better spelling. Compare, for example, the often-genocidally racist, always ill-informed and illiterate comments on any youtube video, to the comments offered on, say, The Guardian.

 The Guardian is a seemingly liberal newspaper, the pages of which are littered with arguments between disappointed Liberals and obviously Trolling conservatives. None of the people involved seems to notice that not a single person has ever changed their mind on any issue ever through one of these comments. And if that's not the definition of a shit debate, I don't know what is. Even this state of affairs would be tolerable, but things have taken a turn for the worse. Previously, it was possible to sift through the information to gain extra hints (for example, it was through one of these comments that I discovered the excellent show 'Enlightened') or perhaps form an opinion on how people think about an issue. It wasn't worth the time, and that is particularly true now that the Guardian has branched out to further include Americans, who, almost without exception, have noticeably lowered the quality of the discourse, and it wasn't great to start with.

The app, which I will name soon, is a great one, which takes away the guilty pleasure of reading online arguments and allows you to make your own decision. (N.B. As writing this, it crashed, so if any app makers are at a loss of how to spend the next few hours, there's your idea: a name could be 'Troll Bridge' or something)

Anyway, that's all you're getting today.
P