100 Posts: A Celebration and an Archive.

The Queens 60th Anniversary is constantly on TV. I've heard it's the same in Australia. I think we should all celebrate someone who's actually done something useful. For example, me, for this is the 100th post I've done. I intend to stop this for a little while, as I'm heading overseas with work for a few months and am unsure of how often I will be able to check the Internet. This post will also serve as a guide to help you to access every article a little more quickly  and easily. I've grouped them as well as I can, so click on the link to find:

The 'In Praise Of' series, where I sing the praises of something I like.
1. Mad Max 2 2. The Haggis 3.  Belgian Beers (top 5) 4. The Almond 5. Drunken Master 2 6. My Idiot Friend Rick 7. The TV show Parks and Recreation 8. Legend of Zelda Ocarina Of Time 3D 9. Pom Poko

Facts, Opinions and stories about British people and my life in Britain:
Annoying, arrogant teenage girls, how to have the least original gap year ever, my thoughts on inspirational quotes and also my thoughts on popular sayings. My trips to Newcastle, and much less pleasantly, to Liverpool. As well as Liverpool, here are more things to avoid, and also things I still don't understand about living in Britain. Including a realistic look at British Supermarkets, and an uncomfortable trip to the bank.
There is a discussion on the omnipresence of Soccer, which I think is boring, before you look to how to survive power cut. Finally we can see things everyone says to an Australian in the UK and a heart-felt review of the Edinburgh Festival Review of 2011, of which I had one of the worst shows of all time.

Tied into that a little is fashion, namely how shitty tattoos are. and the surprisingly popular worst things in fashion right now,

Also tied into British life, are things I like:
A hearty, self-convincing reasons to be cheerful, and later things to be happy about, and then the seemingly saccharine 'some positive thoughts' which is actually a hate-filled incitement for most of the population to kill themselves. There is also an odd piece where I give relationship advice (with ulterior motives) found under the name of tolerance, and because it doesn't fit anywhere else, a book review, the only one I did, though I have read more books in this last 6 months than just that.

It wasn't all self-centred nonsense though, some of it tackled politics:
Click here to read my thoughts on E-Petitions, the ongoing scandal about child-abuse and homophobia in the Catholic Church after near daily news reports and scandals. Some well-researched (genuinely) pieces on
violence and racism inherent in the British police force and a more light-hearted account of Mark Kennedy the undercover cop who went native and slept with a bunch of protesters. Elsewhere, there were cynical articles on how to succeed in politics (basically waffle and take bribes), and disappointment in the international legal system following the U.N.s failure to act in Syria until it was far too late found here. On a more optimistic note, I suggest a number of non-religious Commandments to help you live your life in the 21st century.

Related to this was the short-lived and poorly-received feature 'Prick of the day' where I discussed someone who had been a prick for some time. Only two were created, the first was Rupert Murdoch and the second was Megadeth's born-again Christian Dave Mustaine.  For the record, I could have done a lot more of these, but they didn't go down well, and got my anger up.

Stupid and Miscellaneous:
These political ones were never well received, and so I put down less politically charged thoughts. For example, I tell How to spend £1b thoughts on Valentine's Day, On top of this there was my thoughts on the blog so far, a list of bizarre and random facts, called Get Fact, a failed grammar lesson, and a story on Tort Law involving blood and bruised testicles. On top of that, I've come up with a brilliant New Musical.How exciting does that all sound? Not as exciting as my ill-infomed decision to write about which world foods I like least

Then we move to romance:
 My personal experiences, including the end of a 5 year relationship, the resultant soul-searching seen in an analysis of my long-term girlfriends. Following that, we see my personal biggest disappointments and shattered dreams, before I regale you with a tale of an attractive stalker. At a less personal, more 'celebrity' level of romance, we discuss some female sex symbols whom I don't find attractive (hint, Natalie Portman is there), and also females whom I do find attractive (hint, Carmella from Neighbours is there.) In the interests of Homosexual readers, we look first at my personal 5 Top Mancrushes (actually the first post on this blog) before revisiting the list with the predictably titled Mancrushes revisited.

About me personally,
 I've tried to keep specific information on me to a minimum, as I'm a private person, but we still find space for a list of people who people say I look like, and a related list on the worst things about being tall, as I'm reasonably tall. An avid sportsman and voyeur, we also discuss the 5 best injuries I've ever seen in real life. and, finally, because it had no where else to go, the 5 coolest named people I've ever met if you're interested, Murray Christmas would win this time, if I was to write that again.

Movies:
Are also important to me, and we discuss my hatred of movies where a movie will follow different characters before everything comes together at the end,,the entertainment factor of movies about Vikings, and my own idea for a Viking movie. There is also a list of the most enjoyable musicals for men, (Cannibal the musical wins that list), an interesting list on the best movies about serial killers, which, if re-written today, would still have the same top four, although I have seen 'M', a black and white movie which is also great, since then. In a similar vein, you can see the best movies set on islands, the most frightening and freakiest kids in movies, the best acts of drag in movies. More creatively, I have a list of bad ideas for Tim Burton to try out, but he beat me to it with 'Dark Shadows.' There is also a more straight-laced review of The Artist, and a pictoral blog of Ghanian movie posters, which are a joy. As is a straight up comparison of King Kong movies.

A Feature, which began for no real reason, was 'Gere or Far' which discusses a movie with Richard Gere in it, and then tries to find more interesting movies through actors or directors who have worked with him. It is even more tenuous than it sounds. First up was Gere or Far 1 which dealt with 5 Japanese Movies, the second and third didn't, but the feature ran out because I've barely seen any Richard Gere movies, and because it sucked as an idea.

Japanese Movies: 
Probably the most voluminous thing I've written on, because all my friends aren't into it, and this provides me with an outlet. So, click here for a discussion of Kiyoshi Kurosawa Movies, that I've seen, thoughts on an interesting documentary, The Emperors Naked Army Marches On, discussions on the movie Confessions; a couple of features discussing Takashi Miike movies I've seen can be found here and also here. Similarly, studio Ghibli's Hayao Miyazaki movies can be found reviewed and ranked into bottom five and top five. Also, if you want to read about the demented series 'Lone Wolf and Cub' you can find Parts 1-3 and parts 4-6 by clicking. Also, discussion on Akira Kurosawa's non-Samurai movies are here. Discussion on the excellent High and Low, can be found by clicking, while the next article covered, Stray Dog and Drunken Angel while the third discussed I live In Fear and The Bad Sleep Well. I have seen others, but they took a long time to write, even longer to find pictures for, and were badly received (Someone called me 'ignorent' [sic] for my views on the last feature. As it is, that's it.

Sports:
Lots of sport was discussed and rated, although I could easily do more. We went through the logos and suitability of team names for the NBA Eastern Conference, and the NBA Western Conference. There is also a feature on players with the best names to play in the NBA. For rugby union, there is a Prediction and then review of the world Cup 2011, and a discussion and rating of the cities, mascots, and logos of Australian, and New Zealand teams of the Super 15.

Electric Ode: 
Were a review of pieces of electronic gear which I was using at the time. The first, of the Samsung M8800, was scathing, and I have stopped using it, the second, more positive, was for the Creative Zen Vision M.

TV:
TV really annoys me, I especially hate adverts and voice overs, and would rather just watch a show on DVD. This is clearly shown by an in-depth analysis of an advert which drove me to murderous thoughts and a still ongoing boycott,,a similar discussion on the deodorant brand Lynx, a look at TV problems in the United Kingdom, and then some of my own TV shows ideas, which are HILARIOUS.

Travel: 
Wasn't particularly discussed, but it easily could have been, so all we now have is a picture essay on terrifying dolls of the world. and an article on Chinese Logic, and German Logic which was called racist by some, but but wasn't.

Animals:
Finally we come to animals, we had suggestions on the best post-apocalyptic pets, a feature on the best zoos I've ever been to, which prompted some unpleasant emails, and then there was a discussion on ivory trafficking and debate on The tastiest animal you can't eat (the panda) in the same article. That's 100 posts!

I want to thank everyone who has read anything, and anyone who has sent me email, keep reading. It's great to hear from you, genuinely.
P.S. getting together 100 links for this page took friggin forever.

Jabba-Mirrors

While in John Lewis, doing something joyful, no doubt, I encountered at least three of these horrible creatures. A rich, posh, ridiculous girl* swaggering along next to their mother. Often you will see them walking around with a boyfriend (called Tobey, he's got a tattoo, works out a lot, and wears a lot of Jack Willis and Hacket clothing) or with their friends (who all look the same, chestnut brown fake tan and straggly blonde hair, walking along in leggings and Ugg boots). However, yesterday I saw more instances of them walking along next to their mothers.

The two - mother and daughter- are the same height, are dressed in the same fashion, and wear the same make-up and ridiculous hair. The problem is that as about 25 years years seperate them, it looks a little like a mirror reflection which is smudged and wrinkly, or better still, a much fatter version of the younger version. I love how they still swagger around as if they are god's gift, despite the fact that their future is next to them, and it's not pretty. It makes her ridiculous swagger and attitude utterly redundant. For whatever reason, we know it as Jabba Mirroring, I think because it's like looking into a mirror and seeing Jabba the Hutt waiting for you.

*These girls piss me off no end, arrogant beyond their looks, thinking that they are attractive merely because a bunch of horny 19 year olds in clubs try to fuck her: big hair, a ridiculous combover, Jack Willis tops, leggings, ugg boots, which are, as an Australian, indoor wear, which can be bought for £5 equivalent, and would never be seen worn outside – in the UK however, they are sold for nearly £200 and worn until the ankles roll away and their feet go all fucked up, and tonnes of make-up, a giant bag, a blackberry, which can’t help but losing itself, and some stupid name like Charlotte, Evey or Chloe, you know the type.

In Praise of #8: Legend of Zelda Ocarina of Time 3DS

I was given a 3DS for Christmas, and bought this game a little while after. I had played the N64 version when I was but a giant, overgrown teen, and so I knew what to expect. It was a great game, at the time held as the greatest ever, and remains, rightly, a classic. The remake into 3D, has a few changes to the button configuration, the temples have been made a little easier, and there is now a hint system which you can jump into if you choose. It's pretty awesome, and that's why it's the focus of today's 'In Praise Of.' [Please note, there are spoilers, kind of, and finding screenshots was nearly impossible, so there will be a lot of creepy fan art in its place*]

Some rare, non-nude fan art [source]

The plot and the story are well known, essentially its about Link, who uses a magical ocarina to travel back and forth through time to bring peace to his land. It's an immense game, with so much packed into it: it gets progressively harder, but logic and patience can solve any of the problems. It never becomes irrational. It's epic in scale, but still rewards exploration.  It's almost perfectly judged in tone, difficulty and scale.

Ganon, the main 'bad egg' of the game. Also, a ginger. Coincidence? [source]

Aside from the main plot, which is still great (although easier than I remember it), there are myriad side-quests. Masks, Magic Beans, ghost-hunting, an excellent fishing game, gold skulltula collecting and more ensure that this game will eat away precious hours of your mortal coil. The action is great, and the fighting system, even on the 3DS, still works intuitively. It's a joy to play, and a joy to look at, the visuals have been upped in the 3D version, and some gameplay things have been improved, meaning you don't have to spend half your time in pause while you rearrange your inventory or try to remember a song. 

Link holds up a fish, he looks surprised. [source]

The music, aside from the songs you learn to warp to places, are excellent and evocative, powerful even through the DS speakers, and makes a great game even better. My personal favourites are the flamenco influenced song at the Gerudo Hideout, and the evocative, harp themed music in the Zora's domain. 

Link on Epona. Perhaps not a flattering angle for a horse? It looks a little 'slow' [source]

While there are numerous highs: getting Epona (your horse); learning songs; some of the excellent cut scenes; the epic 'battle with Dark Link' - which retains the fast, ethereal logic of a dream, and the feeling that as you progress, you are learning more skills and gaining more powers and weapons. There are also some downsides, your fairy 'Navi' is just as annoying as she ever was; getting to some locations, particularly as a child, is a repetitive pain (Zora's domain, and the mountain where the awesome Gorons live, for example, take an age to get to without a horse or a warp). Furthermore, the game could also do with having a few more people in villages to talk to (although there are still plenty) and the game would also benefit from having something to spend all of your money on - for example, some new costumes, or perhaps some bling for your horse. There is also the rather unsatisfying conclusion - after you have defeated the final boss, you can't return to the game, so must remain in an unfinished game if you wish to, for example, collect every heartpiece or item. However, that doesn't detract from what is a terrific game.

Link is slowly approached by his evil self (from a N64 screenshot) [source]

  The land of Hyrule itself is a little odd. The Royal Family are more fawned over than even the British Royal family, they have a huge castle and seem to employ most of the town as guards. They are deferred to by villagers and even the main bad guy (Ganondorf), despite the fact that it is the Princess Zelda who is responsible for all of the trouble in the first place (she tried to reunite pieces of a tri-force, with disastrous results). A republic would work better for them, I think. Also, in Lon Lon ranch, a horse and cattle producing fortress, most of the work is done by the evil worker, Ingo, and the owner's daughter, Malon. It is no surprise that when Link re-emerges as an adult, it is Ingo who is running the place: he may be evil, but at least he is competent. The original owner, Talon, is found sleeping on multiple occasions, offers his daughter, Malon's, hand in marriage after a failed bet with a small child. Although he is a nice guy, he shouldn't be in charge of anything. Let's just say that this game isn't a paean to the free market.

One of the temple bosses, this one is particularly easy, despite his silly name and huge size. [source]

Incidentally, The girl Malon, who I deeply regret doing an image search for, (though a legitimate image can be found here) when she is an adult, looks almost exactly like an old girlfriend of mine. Her thick brown-ginger hair, odd dress sense and obsession with animals is a little worring for me. I don't know how I didn't realise that at the time. In fact, almost all of the characters of the game are either particularly attractive (that handsome dude who sells potions, that woman who keeps losing her chickens, but can't handle them because she is allergic (time to change jobs I think)), or alternatively they are particularly ugly (the crone with a cat who sells super potions, Dampe the gravekeeper, or that weird, frog-obsessed guy who lives next to the lake). It makes an interesting mix. 

Dead Hands Attacking Link. Hideous. Add sounds and it is vomit-inducing. [source

 The villains and bad guys are almost universally brilliant: armed lizards, bats which can either freeze or burn you depending on location, and other enemies which require guile and skill to defeat. The boss levels are also universally impressive (although the boss of the water temple was disappointing after all these years - it's a red blob which can manipulate water)- the final battle of all is genuinely epic. However, there are also some scary moments, a creature called the Dead Hand (Navi gives a name and unhelpful information on all enemies if they are highlighted), which spawns up from the ground and bites you as its undead, respawning hands pin you down, is awful. Also scary are the re-deads, zombies which scream, groan and jump on you sucking away your life; most unsettling of all though are the giant hands which occasionally come and grab you away, in 3d the detail is increased from the N64 version, and they are horrifying.

What could link possibly be looking at that is more interesting than that!? [source]

  The villages, churches, and landscape are very European in style, and it's often easy to forget that this is a Japanese game first and foremost.While it is a Japanese game, it's one which evokes a mythical universe and is European in its aesthetic. There are however, some particularly 'Japanese' moments, not least the extended scene inside the belly of a giant fish, or the pack mentality of an attacked chicken. Also, some of the bad guys are beyond crazy (see Dead Hands above). Most bizarre of all though is the collection of creepy, giggling naked fairies who are there to dispense assistance and skills from their caves. Creepy, especially in 3D. However, I mean this in the nicest way, it's crazy, but it's also crazy fun.

And this is pretty cute, huh? [source]

In conclusion, highly recommended, particularly if you've not played the N64 version, or if you're the same dork you were when you played this at age 12.

*I was amazed by how much fan fiction zelda porn there was, even when google settings were 'safe' and when the search was for things which could in no way be. Let's just say I'll never be able to look at Dark Link the same way again. There are some twisted minds around. 

Kiyoshi Kurosawa Movies

Japan has not one but two directors of note kalled Kurosawa. I've ended up seeing a fair amount of Kiyoshi Kurosawa movies too, and because I'm a nice guy, I'll share my thoughts on them. He is a fine conveyor of mood and tension, and his use of music to heighten a scene (particularly a scary scene) make even his weaker movies interesting. The following five movies (FIVE - that's crept up on me!) have one thing in common: either a lead or an important part played by Koji Yakusho, the Japanese Jeff Bridges. They are discussed in no particular order at all:

1. Retribution (2006)

Other than the iRRationAL French title, this looks like it could be the DVD cover for 'The Bridge,' 'The Killing' or any of those other Scandinavian Police shows. [source]

Follows a policeman and a murder mystery which he may have committed. The story revolves around ambiguity: we're unsure if he did kill the woman, who is now haunting him, or if he is being haunted by memories of a woman who died years beforfe. Only one thing's certain: he's not a particularly good egg.
While this is a largely atmospheric mood piece, the use of small earthquakes is interesting, it is disappointing in all. It is simply too ambiguous in its morals, and the ghost (a woman in red who appears all the time, but particularly after a tremor) is ridiculous, at one point she simply flies off into the distance like Superman, it's an amusing scene when it shoudl be tense. Disappointing in its execution.
Rating: **

2. Pulse (2001)

Have you seen the remake of this? No, I didn't think so. [source]

 I've mentioned this before, it's a movie which deals with the loneliness and isolation possible in the internet age, and then adds a weird suicide cult / ghosts. It's a very unnerving movie, with shadows and atmospheric silence creeping into scenes as the city of Tokyo becomes more and more deserted, leaving only a few people to engage with shadows. This is particularly scary if your first encounter of it is when you come back from a night out with only this showing and all other lights off. Is it the movie which started the J-Horror craze? Is it the best, creepiest J-Horror? possibly. The use of music is really impressive and unsettling, and although the plot does drag a little bit, it remains his most complete work, intelligent, socially aware, and frightening. Even the trailer is terrifying.

 

Rating: *****

3. Cure (1997)

You type in 'Cure' into Google, and you get a lot of pictures of Robert Smith [source]

Being unoriginal, I have also mentioned this one too. Its another atmospheric and interesting movie, this time about serial killers, and was made in response to the Sirin gas attacks. It deals with the occult, hypnosis and ends on ambguity and potential widespread murder. It's a great movie which deals with the potential in all humans for suggestibility, and our underlying murderous nature. Chilling, interesting, and really worth your time.
Rating: ****1/2

4. Seance (2000)

If you can put a creepy face on the cover, you should. [source]

A Made for TV movie, which is based on 'Seance on a Wet Afternoon'. Despite being a TV movie, it still manages a few genuine chills and maintains some of the moral ambiguity of the original. For whatever reason, scenes in the Japanese countryside tend to freak me out, and this movie has a lot of them. However, the whole plot hinges on a particularly stupid incident, which really damages an other atmospheric movie: A missing child jumps in the camera box of the husband, Koji Yakusho, and he takes it back without realising that she is in there, which allows his wife, the medium, to manipulate the press and get her extra fame. However, how did he not realise his camera box was 25kg heavier than usual? and what kind of idiot child jumps in a box like that anyway? Still, that's not the dilemma, it's about how the couple go about their lives despite being menaced by a ghost (or guilty conscience). A little scary, a little atmospheric, but also a little flawed.
Rating: ***

5. Tokyo Sonata (2008)

A mediocre movie, and an equally shoddy poster. Coincidence? [source]

A Sonata, if you will, to Tokyo, if you will. It's supposed to be a tale of an ordinary Japanese family: A bullying child; a salaryman husband; a bored wife; and a disenfranchised, latchkey student. While a movie could be made about the husbands loss of employment, his refusal to admit it (he hangs out in homeless places in a suit and dishes out his salary through creative means) and his struggles with authority within the family. However, instead of it being an average family dealing with one exceptional situation: we get - the kid is a musical genius, the teenager gets to join the US army (because that happens now) and then joins up with a terrorist organisation, and the mother is involved in a kidnapping and only reluctantly decides agaisnt making a new name for herself, while the father nearly dies in a bizarre car crash. Promising, but not worth it. Also, the only non-scary movie of his I've seen. Starts well, but becomes really diappointing really quickly.
Rating: **

In conclusion, Pulse and Cure are really worth checking out. But, if you don't like them, you'll hate the rest I've seen. Have a good weekend brahs.

E-Petitions. Not a Good Idea.

People are idiots. Largely, they shouldn't be listened to. E-petitions were installed by the latest government as a sign of direct access between 'us' and 'them.' The saying was, if 100,000 people signed an online petition, it would be debated in the Houses of Parliament. In theory this is a fine idea, it might allow for dissent to be shown and lively debates to take place. Instead of ones which say, 'discuss ending the Coalition, nobody wants it' or 'how about spending a bit of money on infrastructure?' the ones that pass are insane: "lower fuel prices," 'stop immigration,' and most worryingly of all 'bring back the death penalty.' I understand that some people want to see murderers executed as a punishment for their crimes, however, we as a sociey, have fought long and bitter wars, have engaged in legal debates and pressure groups to take the power to kill someone away from Agents of the state. At the first possible chance, people are demanding to increase the power of the state as far as possible. People are idiots.

Sex Symbols I DO Get

 I've just found out that my colleagues read this. It's disappointing news, especially as one of them is a housemate (guess who told them). They laughed, at who I have mancrushes on (twice), and gasped, at the list of women held as sex symbols but whom I'm not so fond of. They want to know my dreamgirl list, and who am I to deny their dreams? While I have a couple of absolute Dreamgirl crushes in London, I think this wold be best just kept to 'celebrities,' - so... without further stalling, here is a list of 4:

1. Odette Annable

[source]

I know her solely from House. I am, despite myself, fond of that show, and she has helped (although for the last season only.)  Within the story, she was working in a prison before House recruited her into his gang so that she could suggest Wiffles every episode. She is too pretty for a men's prison, which is something I rarely say. I think she was also in that Cloverfield too, which I haven't seen. Either way, she's a doll (who could use a feeding up, she's borderline 'too thin')

2. Harumi Nemoto

[source]

In her prime, the ideal woman: pretty tall, vuluptous, and a babe. I say in her prime because I think she's retired from modelling, and hasn't been heard of since like 2005. However, I can't imagine her not being still hot.A model friend of mine* said (in 2004) that she met her on a model tour and was jealous for the first time in her life. Definite marriage material.  

3. Natalie Blair

[source]

Better known to me as Carmella from Neighbours. I used to watch Neighbours with an ex, mainly in a vain attempt to make her happy, but I wasn't complaining when Carmella was on the show. There was an episode where she slunk around in her bra for the entirety. I've seen and done some great things in my life, but merely watching that might be the highlight.

4. Sandrine Gruda

[source]

Yeah, I've watched the WNBA unironically. Does that automatically make me a feminist? She's cute, she's athletic, she's French, and she's even taller than I am. Sold. N.B. If this list was composed during the olympics, there would be at least a dozen woman volleyball players on it. I don't mean beach volleyball players, but the indoor ones. I don't understand the fuss the Masturbator's Alliance is making over the Beach Volleyball, for me, regular volleyball is much better- a team of women over 6 feet tall and wearing hotpants. I'll be glued to the set, so to speak. 

Oh, and there was a girl on Byker Grove recently who is a megababe, but I never watched it for more than 20 seconds, so I don't know her name. Also Marion Cotillard is hot too.

In conclusion, this has been illuminating and humiliating.

p.s. - one of my colleagues is a dreamgirl. Which one though, is, and will remain, a mystery.

*who is now married with a kid.

The Least Original Gap Year Ever

Many people take gap years after school or after university. Most of them go to Private schools and sound and look the same. They will all have already climbed Mount Kilimanjaro for 'charity'. Here is the typical, least interesting Gap Year that can be taken by a British person:

1. Fly to Dubai, have picture taken with that Gherkin thing. Purchase shoddy ware and get into police trouble for making out with a guy / girl from Bolton. After that...

2. Bangkok, shop, talk to Ladyboys, and then...

3. Head to the Full Moon Party, refuse to acknowledge that English gap year students outnumber locals ten thousand to one. 

4. Obligatory picture of them in that bay where 'The Beach' was filmed.

5. Rubber rings in Laos (although this appears to be more of an Australian thing to do).

6a. Cairns to Melbourne driving trip, stopping at the worst, most English-filled places along the way (I'm looking at you, Wake Up! bar in Sydney)

6b. Possibly do a road tour of the US- Retracing Route 66 if time allows.

7. Return to the United Kingdom, using Australian slang, tattoos, and white dreadlocks. Heads to university in Leeds, Edinburgh, Durham, Newcastle or Bristol. If they have been to university, become corporate fodder in finance company / parents company. Marry, reproduce, repeat with next generation.

All the while, taking so many pictures that you have to drop them as Facebook friend. At every location, have picture of yourself and friends jumping in the air on beach.

 bubbling under: a trip to Rio De Janeiro - which seems to be a 6th form Common Room for posh people, and ski seasons in France or Canada.

In conclusion. Yes, I am jealous, I was going to fill this with pictures taken from Facebook of different people doing all of these things but posing in all the same photographs. I am jealous, but I also hate people being predictable and unoriginal, especially when they spend so much money on it.

NBA Team Logos Rated Subjectively: West

The Eastern Version was called 'a triumph of civilisation' by no one. So, in spite of popular requests, here comes the Western version. The last one was a discussion about the logos that the teams use to represent their basketballing abilities. Incidentally, all logos were found at this awesome site which I wished I had found earlier. Here goes.

1. Dallas Mavericks

 Like The Detroit Pistons, a team which has added a horse to the logo. Mavericks is a good name for a Texas team, but the logo should never have been changed from this:

which is all kinds of awesome. As it is, the new, horse-y one is too busy, championship in 2011 or not.

2. Denver Nuggets

 A straight-up, boring mountain logo for a mountain city. It's a fun name for a team, I suppose, but I guess it's pretty boring. Not boring, however, is this guy...

Who looks psychotic, especially his dislocated foot. 

3. Golden State Warriors

 Yes, Warriors is supposed to be an 'American-Indian' Warrior, but they can't show that in this day and age because of political correctness. Instead they now show a bridge... and they used to show this thing:

It's quite a cool logo, and it looks a little like the Gold Coast Titan. It's probably a better logo than the bridge, but I think they may as well go whole hog and either show an American Indian, or just rename themselves the Titans.

4. Houston Rockets

 This logo, complete with 'Red Rocket' is boring and lacking imagination. While a rocket is a good name for a team, especially in Houston (where, I think, rockets are launched from nearby). It needs to emphasise the rocket more, but a little less than they did here, in their earlier logo:

which is just bizarre.

5. Los Angeles Clippers

  

Yes, a Clipper. It's an incredibly boring logo, and Clipper doesn't even make sense. It's leftover from when they were in San Diego, and Clippers are a type of yacht. Why you would name a basketball team after a type of yacht I don't know:

 and why you would keep the team named after yachts after they move inland a little is beyond me. A fail.

6. L.A. Lakers

Another Los Anglese team, another uninspired logo. Unlike the clippers, they don't need to change their name or their logo because of their glamour and success. However, Los Angeles doesn't have any lakes, and so this is a residue of their time in Minneapolis:

But could you think of a better name for them? I certainly couldn't (although L.A. Immigrants would be fun).

7. Memphis Grizzlies

These guys used to play in Vancouver, where Grizzlies are more common.  However, Canada didn't take to basketball, and so they moved to Memphis, where I don't even know if you get Grizzlies. However, I do know you get bourbon and music from there, so why not call them either the Memphis Distillers, or The Memphis Rollers? Having said that, bears are a good animal, and would be good basketball players: Powerful, tall and quick. The current logo is a little demented-looking...

while the old one is a teal nightmare from the 90s:

8. Minnesota Timberwolves

The name wolves is great. They hunt in packs, so have good teamwork, are deadly and quick. Also, they  are cool. They also live in Minnesota, so that's a win. The current logo is a little overdone, but still captures the ferocity of a giant wolf emerging from the shadows and making trees look like shrubs:

this is much better, but less cute, than the confused dog they used to have as a logo:

Still, pretty cool in a retro kind of way, which almost certainly hipsters are wearing it ironically. Those guys piss me off.

9. New Orleans Hornets

Yeah, it's the exact same logo as the Charlotte Hornets, that's fine. Hornets are horrifyingly big though, and I suppose are a good name for a team from New Orleans, especially after the name 'Jazz' has already been taken.

10. Oklahoma City Thunder

From my understanding of geography, Oklahoma City isn't even near the west, but they remain playing for the western conference because they used to be the...

Which, along with Frasier, is now disbanded. It's not been a good time for Seattle, but the Thunder are doing well, and the logo is pretty high-tech too. Fair.

 11. Phoenix Suns

Yeah, a pretty uninspiring logo from a desert city. Phoenix Cacti would be a good name, but this will do in the meantime, I suppose.

12. Portland Trail Blazers

Portland is supposed to be a nice place to visit, and a good city to live in, in a remote, American kind of way (although I've never been) and the name Trail Blazers kind of makes sense, pretty much. The logo is ten trails, swirling around in grey and red, which is a good colour mix. Pretty good, in an abstract way.

13. Sacramento Kings

Another pretty uninspiring logo, and a pretty weak team name. I could get behind a team which is called the Sacramento Sharks (although they may be moving soon to somewhere else). Let's hope it gives them a new burst of life.

14. San Antonio Spurs

 Spurs, Texas, it makes sense. However, the name Coyotes is devilishly underused, and a Spur doesn't really make sense in terms of a basketball team, unless its attached to a Rooster, which would make the name San Antonio Fighting Cocks possible. Anyway, the old logo is another 90s abomination, but also kind of charming...

15. Utah Jazz

 

 That's right, a state which is run by Mormons, who hate music, alcohol and ethnic people, are named after ethnic music which is fuelled by alcohol. A stupid name. However, the old logo:

is pretty damned cool!

In conclusion: this has been exhausting, but also fun. Have a great time all the time.

What To do With £1 Billion

Roman Abramovich took his ill-gotten gains away from the Russian people. Among other things (the yacht, the vacuous wife, awful art), he now owns Chelsea Football Club. His worth is roughly US$14b, of which around £800m has gone to Chelsea, paying wages and buying players. What does he have as a result? According to Wikipedia, the team he funds has Three premier league titles, four FA Cups, Three League Cups, and now a European Championship. Here's what I would have done with £800m instead.

1. Help out animals: breeding programmes, buying up land for them, and having armed guards protecting them from poaching.

2. Money to help educate people about birth control. We don't need another 7 billion idiots walking around being misinformed on the issues.

3. Start own Television Empire, use it to make it interesting and bizarre shows. One channel would give
free-reign to creative talents to make shows they want to make, as ratings wouldn't be such a problem, you would hope they would come up with more interesting stuff than is on now. On another channel, you could show poachers being killed (see #1). 

4. Also, on another channel: A Battle Royale style thing where D-List celebrities are given weapons to kill each other. I want to see Fearne Cotton killed by someone from Made in Chelsea. Tell them that the winner will be set free, and then kill them, out of spite.

5. In fact, ANYTHING but buying a soccer club, buying a European Chamionship but still only winning on penalities, and making fat, stupid Londoners happy. Really unimpressive.

The Tastiest Animal You Can't Eat

There's a lot in the news about animal poaching these days. Rhino and elephant horn is hacked off the animal, which bleeds to death. The ivory is then sold for huge amounts, ground up and sold to Chinese people who will use it as a placebo or an aphrodisiac. I would argue that you don't need aphrodisiacs if you have a population of 1.3 billion, but logic seems to break down when people need rhino horn as a medicine. It's disgusting and sad, so to take my mind off it, I thought about which animal I would kill and eat if I had no concern for a) animal welfare and survival and b) morals:

The answer is either between a sloth, and a panda. I think a Sloth might be too stringy because it is so lazy, and it's not a particularly big thing either. So I settled for Panda, because, although it is ostensibly a bear, it only eats Bamboo (i.e. a bamboo marinade), and is fleshy enough to get a good roast out of it... However, I'm not sure it would be very tasty, only one way to find out...

NBA Team Logos Rated Subjectively: East

After the raging success of my walk throughs of Super 15 Teams of New Zealand and Australia, I thought we'd go back to my first love: basketball. I'll go through the logos of the teams from the Eastern Conference, because in every country I've lived in, the East has been the best coast. Please not that all logos below are taken from the wonderful site found here, unless otherwise stated. That website includes old and forgotten logos and even the logos of teams which are now disbanded, such as the Toronto Huskies and the San Diego Conquistadors, who need to make a comeback as soon as. Anyway...

1. Atlanta Hawks

  A good animal for a basketball team to be named after It can fly (for slam dunks) and has talons (for grabbing the ball and kicking ass), and could also fly away from Atlanta, which is depicted as a dump in popular culture, and by friends who've been there. I also like the old logo, with a anthropomorphous muscular hawk holding a ball, and inexplicably wearing kneepads.

 This is cool, but if you crossed it with this...

[source]

The world would end.

2. Boston Celtics

Boston has a huge Irish population and a bizarre, American-Irish culture. Seriously, would that logo be used in actual Ireland? probably not. However, now that the team has a dozen giant black guys as the stars, we can assume that there are a lot of ginger haired skeletons rolling in their graves. The logo itself is not so great, it's a leprechaun, with a cane. A hobbled short person? he won't be so good at 'balling.

3. Charlotte Bobcats

 Bobcats are kind of cute, but kind of deadly, it's a good animal to be named after. The team just set the record for the worst ever league record, winning less than one in ten games. These guys were the Hornets when I was a kid, but the Hornets now play in New Orleans, in the Western Conference, which we'll look at later. The Bobcats, not bad, and it's always nice to have a logo which doesn't have a basketball on it.

4. Chicago bulls

 This is the only logo the bulls have ever used, and for good reason. Bulls are a good animal, and they have captured them well. The logo is good, and seems to have bred success (with the help of Michael Jordan). Incidentally, bulls up close are colossal creatures, not to mention delicious. Also, if you flip the logo upside down, it looks like an angry robot reading a book.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers

 This logo is pretty good, clear and a good mix of colours, but Cavaliers remains a stupid name for a team. There were no Cavaliers in America, and you feel they chose it for the alliteration. A better name: Cleveland Cattle, which would allow you to make the crowd do a 'Stampede' (everyone stomps on the ground hard to intimidate the opposition). Either that or 'Crustaceans' but Cleveland's a bit far from the sea. This would all be forgotten though, if they brought back this awesome logo and colour scheme:

6. Detroit Pistons

 Name is tied into the car manufacturing history of the town, which is now in decline. Also, they used to be the Fort Wayne Pistons. A less recent logo has incorporated horses into the logo, making a bizarre piston-horse blend, swamped in colour and detail. As seen here: 

 A better team name: Detroit Gangsters (which wouldn't be allowed).

7. Indiana Pacers

It's a basketballing 'P' going quickly. I suppose Pacers is a good name for a team in a sport where pace is important, but it could easily be more interesting. For example, the Indiana Tomahawks, or Indiana Hatchets, with the axe angled to act as the 'P' (and thus remind everyone of the Pacers, because the name change was pointless). However, no matter what changes took place, nothing would be as frightening as this:

disembodied hand groping a tennis ball.

8. Miami Heat

It's pretty hot in Miami, so makes sense in a boring way. Team's fulla dicks. Also, the logo has a burning ring, which just reminds everyone of Indian food. A better name: Miami Gators. Easy

9. Milwaukee Bucks

A good animal, well armed and surprisingly big. The logo (I think this is from a while ago, they are green and red now) was great. Purple is surprisingly tough for a colour often associated with homosexuality, and makes a good logo colour.I also have fondness for this little thing from the past.

10. New Jersey Nets / Brookyln Nets

Are soon to move to Brooklyn. Despite the logo, which is surprisingly cool for something which is so dull (a ball in the logo, how original!) On top of that it's a stupid name for a team, akin to calling a soccer team the goals.Weak. The move to Brookyn should have been used to rename them the Brookyln Bombers or something....

11. New York Knicks

I had always assumed that a Knickerbocker was a historic name for a New Yorker. Wikipedia seems to agree, but the team name may also be linked to the shorts the team wore, which are now only seen on the golf course. and then I find this logo used from the 1940s-1960s which kind of explains it:

For such a historic team, the modern logo is pretty ordinary, probably because it's so iconic they can't change it. A Better name now: New york Narwhals. imagine fun the crowd could have with the fake horns strapped to their heads.

12 . Orlando Magic

Weak. I hate magic, and am unimpressed with tricks (or illusions). The older logo, below, is the better one, and it also perfectly encapsulates the 1990s.

To move away from magic, and towards the awesome might of nature, they should be called the Orlando Hurricanes.

13. Philadelphia 76ers. 

Another poor team name, but untouchable because it is tied into the American Revolution, which Americans love (even when they now nothing else about it). For the record, the logo they have now (above) is better than the nonsense they went with for too long (below):

14. Toronto Raptors

I love this logo. The Raptor is wearing shoes, but the claws have come out, and someone stuffed it into a uniform. It looks pretty, but not very, angry. A joy. The Raptors are now the only Canadian team in the NBA, and were founded in 1995, just after Jurassic Park, which explains their name: violent, ferocious animal which was immensely popular at the time. Solid, although I prefer the name of:

15. Washington Wizards 

For my views on magic, see Orlando. This name is only slightly better, although commentators on matches always mention that the Wizards need to 'conjure up a win.' The logo is a little abstract, and I'm surprisedthat no internet crazybags have likened the position of the wizard's arms to that of a swastika...*

 The team was called the bullets, which was changed after the millionth person pointed out that Washington was a murder capitol of the world. Instead, alliteration was chosen as being better than bringing up murder and gangs. However, the Wizard doesn't have Jazz hands like this:

In conclusion: I hope you 'enjoyed' this, Western Conference can be found here.

*I'm sure someone has likened it to a swastika, but, I didn't have it in me to type that into a search engine.