Rupert Murdoch: Prick of the Day.

 This is a companion piece to some of my other, impotently worried about current events stuff. Today we'll be talking about Rupert Murdoch, an evil tycoon who is increasingly looking like Mr Magoo and a Scrotum after a collision. This wretched, evil old prick, has for years using his immense wealth to control the media, peddle scandals and lies, decrease the intelligence of the populace, and push his own agenda on an increasingly stupid world. He's probably the most important man in both the US and the UK, which are still big players (for the time being).
 
The News of the World, a newspaper written by morons, for morons, was closed down last year 
after the extent of phone hacking became evident. This enquiry is ongoing, and shows that this paper would do anything (hack the victims of crimes phones, hack into emails of celebrities) to continue their seedy quest for more celebrity gossip.  Rebeka Brooks has resigned as a result, which is a great tragedy for journalism, and for humanity.

Meanwhile,Five Senior Journalists from the Sun have been arrested in the ongoing corruption trials, which have already shown up a culture of illegal activities and payments between the press, the police and politicians. The result was Murdoch turns up, not to apologise, not to announce his retirement, but to introduce a
scandals, hacking,  - arrests at the Sun have led to his arrival, not to announce his retirement, but to introduce a new paper, the Sunday Sun, which will peddle the same shit, but this time make it "Fearless, Fun... And Ethical." I don't think it will, I think it will be the same crap as before, and more evidence of illegal, sleazy and corrupt practises come to light. I really don't have a lot of hope for a newspaper with Katie Price as a columnist to really do any groundbreaking journalism. 

This is a man who forsook his nationality to gather ever more wealth, and has an unprecedented control over the political will of nearly two countries. However, have you ever heard of him using his enormous wealth to do anything good for society? Making page-three girls popular doesn't count.

I'd also like to make a special mention of his dipshit son James Murdoch, who suggests that even after Rupert is in his cold, cold grave, we will have another generation of idiots to peddle their shit and slander to the masses.

Furthermore, we must also recognise Rupert's third his wife, Wendi Deng, a woman who is 43, to her husband's 80 years old. A Quick Browse on her details also suggests that she was married to a man 30 years her senior before. As well as single-handedly reinforcing the notion of Oriental woman crazed by power, willing to sleep with anyone rich, she is equally responsible for the continued success of her evil, shrivelled up fucker of a husband.

Hopefully the Sun on Sunday will be less popular than the 'Two Weeks to live Monthly' - but no one ever lost money underestimating Britain's desire to see boobs, celebrity gossip, and half the newspaper dedicated to soccer players. Come on people, we should be aiming higher.

Non Samurai Guy 2: Stray Angel, Drunken Dog.

Hello everyone, the last Non Samurai Guy went down such a storm that I think I'll do others. Luckily for you, these will be more brief and include more saucy pictures. Kurosawa is a master, and so there are bits in every movie which are worth checking out, so I'll just give brief thoughts to allow you to inform your decisions on which box sets you should purchase. What follows is two reviews of films I've seen. They include one sentence plot synopsis and then thoughts: today we have Drunken Angel and Stray Dog, two movies often linked together because of their similarity in subject (namely the seedy underclass which developed in post War Japan) and the fact that they were made within a year or two of each other.

Drunken Angel [1948]

No Joke, these movie posters kick ass [source]

Synopsis: An alcoholic Doctor (Shimamura) - a Drunken Angel, if you will - and a young Gangster (Mifune) bicker over their respctive life choices when the gangster is found to have Tuberculosis.

Review: the movie which Kurosawa says was his first film, and it shows it. This is a more tightly scripted tightly filmed piece of work than his previous movie, One Wonderful Sunday (which I'm not going to review). The movie offers a social critique of post-war Japan, the Doctor lives next to a cesspit which is infecting the rest of the people living near it. Despite doing his best (and he is shown to be dedicated to his job) he is still mocked for being an alcoholic by the local children.

Though, to be honest, most cesspools aren't as reflective as this.

  The movie also affords Kurosawa some surreptitious criticism of the American occupation. The Gangsters hang out in dance halls where they listen to Jazz and drink Western style booze, the result is a very un-Japanese debauchery. As well as the newly Westernised dancing girls, and gangsters molls dressed in Western clothing, this would have been understood as indictments of the corruption and avarice that American occupation forces were having on Japanese society. As a gangster, Mifune is captivating. His heavy drinking, dancing and gambling symbolic of the life he leads. His appearances at Shimamuras, usually when both he and the Dr. are drunk, wreak of malice and underlying violence. Mifune is malevolent and unpredictable, like a wild animal: the two resort to physical violence most meetings. 

Here they are fighting.

And here Mifune is dancing up a storm.

  Drunken Angel also offers criticism of the Yakuza gangs which have taken influence in post war Japan. They are depicted as common thugs and idiots. The fact that the imprisoned Gang leaders moll is now the doctor's assistant shows that their influence is invasive. When the gang leader returns, his tune on the guitar is haunting and a musical cue which reminds Mifune that he has outlived his usefulness, and that his illness is a sign of weakness to other gangs. He is to be replaced without honour.

Although he has to gamble his wealth away first. He's a decadent dude in this movie.

The most memorable scenes include Mifune's dance, the first time that the gang-leader plays his tune on the guitar, and a scene on the beach, from a hallucinating Mifune, which recalls the Cabinet of Dr. Cagliari:

He's being chased by himself, an apt metaphor for tuberculosis.

Throughout the movie, Mifune gets physically weaker and yet more stubborn. He continues to drink, gamble and fight, to his own detriment. After a final battle scene, which shows merely how entrenched the new gangster culture is in Post-War Japan, the movie ends on a downer, with life going on after Mifune dies needlessly. Mifune's potential wife and the Doctor both try to continue with their lives.

Stray Dog [1949]

This one is perhaps a little gaudy, they all look ill. Shimamura looks like a zombie. [source]

Synopsis: Toshiro Mifune is a policeman, who alongside grizzled older detective Shimamura, travels through a sweltering Post-War Tokyo to recover his stolen gun, which has been used in murders throughout the city.

Review: This is another movie perhaps more interesting for its setting than its story. Post-war Tokyo is struggling along through a heat-wave, and we get a good look at its sweaty body. As a result, the movie is perhaps a little overlong: the two chase scenes at the beginning of the movie, and another at the conclusion, go on collectively about ten minutes too long, no matter how interesting the scenery.

Mifune, who is sprinting in at least ten minutes of the movie, he's quite a man...

Similarly, Mifune's initial detective work, disguised as a soldier, as he negotiates the black market is interesting from a social perspective (namely how Tokyo was recovering after devastation in WWII), but the scene really saps momentum from the plot.

...And he wears the hell out of a grubby army outfit.

Mifune is teamed later with Takashi Shimamura, another of Kurosawa's stalwart's, most recognisable as the leader of the Seven Samurai. The two detectives have differing styles. Shimamura, the more grizzled of the two, believes in a distinction between good and bad, there's very little moral ambiguity for him. Mifune however, is more brash, and has been directly affected by his service in the war, he believes that circumstances make people bad, and the situation that Japan has found itself in isn't conducive for good people. His belief in a shared goodness of humanity is matched through his own changing circumstances: desperate people will do desperate things, and in searching for his gun, Mifune has become desperate himself.

The two guys have a beer and a chat about life, morality, and when Metallica started sucking.

Meanwhile the female character can be seen as a physical embodiment of the complexities of Post-War Japan, she dances in a Western-style Dancehall, and has even begun to act 'Western'. The increasing influence of the West can also be seen through both through the Western-style house of one of the murder victims, and the baseball match where the gun dealer is tricked and arrested. The two teams have English names (the Giants and the Hawks.)

Baseball, zzz...

In conclusion, it's a charming, gripping movie which is slightly overlong but important from a social perspective. Of course, Mifune and Shimamura are excellent. Furthermore, as well as the interesting social and political undertones, the story also works very well as a straight forward police thriller. The conclusion, a shootout in a field with the killer Yusa, played by Isao Kimura, whom we've already mentioned in regards to Lone Wolf and Cub, is tense and absorbing. The distress that Yusa is in, and the fact that we have seen his pitiful house, makes him a strangley sympathetic murderer. The showdown is accompanied by the piano playing of a woman in a nearby house, and adds a surreal edge, and also hints at the increasing influence of the West into Japanese culture.

The one guy with the gun loses, what a loser.

The final conclusion suggests that Imamura has changed his views to closer match Mifunes. The movie is definitely worth seeing. On a tangent I disagree with is a female friend of mine, who argues that the losing of the gun is symbolic of Freudian deprivation, and that his quest for the gun is his search for his libido. This is nonsense, he is guilty because he lost his gun, and feels worse because it was used to kill people, that's all.

The Truth, at last

OK, let's not take this too seriously, it's the truth behind things which you are told growing up:

1. You Don't Need Money to Make You Happy. 
No. You do.

2. If You Study Hard At School, You'll Set Yourself Up For Life:
No, you'll be a burned out graduate working for a faceless giant corporation. The best way to succeed in life is to run your family business. Those who are born privileged die privileged. Easy.

3. Cheaters Never Prosper: 
Wrong, they always do (See #2). The saying 'fortune favours the bold' means you should cheat to succeed.

4. The Way to a Woman's Heart is by Having A Sense of Humour. If You Can Make a Woman Laugh, then You've Got Her For Life: 
I admit that this is rather obscure advice, but I've heard people of both genders say it. It's a lie. Who would a girl rather go for, a goofy-looking but amusing you, or a humourless, rich handsome person? If it comes down to a straight race between muscles and comedy, it's the bench-presser who wins.

5. Blood is Thicker Than Water:
Meaning that family is more important than friends. It's wrong, look after your friends, and if you want, make your family your friends.

6. Treat 'em Mean, Keep 'em Keen:
This is advice given to both sexes over dating. It's wrong, the true saying should be 'Treat 'em mean, alienate yourself from all human contact until you die a lonely and withered husk of a man.'

7. If you Respect Yourself, you'll feel better than if you sleep around, take lots of drugs, and eat cake all day. 
Wrong again. These things are fun, and can be countered with 'if it feels good, do it.'

Terrifying Dolls of the world

Hello everyone (particularly new Croatian followers). I was managing some photo files of mine, and I found a bunch of odd pictures from my travels. There's something a little scary about dolls and mannequins at the best of times, and when you're overseas, they seem to get a little more frightening. Let's take a trip into the macabre, and look at some terrifying pictures of dolls I've taken:

This is from Egypt:

and this is from Bulgaria:

For a while I had to walk past this on the way to work. I changed routes because of it...

Here is one sent to me by a friend:

there are more, which I'll add later, but they kind of freak me out.

Worst things about being tall

I'm 1.92m, which is moderately tall by Australian standards. By British standards I'm significantly taller than average. I'm also pretty broad, which for some reason makes people think I'm a little shorter than I actually am. If someone is broad shouldered, they look less tall than someone of the same height who is skinny. Anyway, I'll hunch over my computer to write about the worst things about being moderately tall.

The most common problem in the United Kingdom is whacking my head on the tops of doors and ceilings. This is especially true of old buildings and pubs built into medieval buildings. They tend to have door frames about 5 foot five at most. However, these are less dangerous than ones at about 6 foot tall, because to get under a five foot five door frame, you have to duck, for something which is only just below your head level, it is easier to forget and get that sweet, stinging feeling of whacking your skull.

Public transport is also a struggle. Particularly sitting on buses is very difficult, although I don't do that often. The worst thing is probably trains (planes don't count, any time food and and movies are given to me I will happily sit like Quasimodo doing yoga), trains are bad because I tend to be sat next to a fat Yorkshireman, who blames the small seats rather than his own gigantic frame for his discomfort. Anyway, I can tolerate that too, at least on a train you can get up and have a stretch.

Sleeping is also sleeping a minor irritant, a typical hotel bed is only about 1.90m, so if you're staying somewhere cheap, you will have feet dangling over the edge of the bed. This makes sharing a bed a little more difficult too, although that has advantages too.

A more unusual problem I've experienced is being the tallest person on a dance floor by a good six inches. In Australia there would always be at least a few people in a big club taller than me (on one occasion a woman well over 6 foot 4 stopped me from falling over by putting a gigantic hand in the middle of my chest and levering me back up. I've never been so scared and kind-of aroused at the same time). However, in the U.K. particularly in Scotland, I will typically be distinctly one of the tallest people in a club, it's very strange, because I'm not particularly tall. Anyway, this just gives me extra opportunity to get on the podium, and bust some crazy shapes (not really).

Another problem, which I've had everywhere I've been, has been finding girlfriends of a reasonable height. On a purely biological level, my aesthetically ideal woman 'the goldilocks height' would be between 5 foot 6 and 5 foot 10 (and brunette, if it's not too much to ask). Luckily, I'm a little more tolerant, and will never discount any woman who is willing to put up with my insane ramblings, heavy drinking, and mood swings. The result, most of my girlfriends have been either 5 foot 4 or less, or 5 foot 11 or taller. However, on the most part, that's still worked for me, so I don't really know what my point was, perhaps next time a slightly taller than average girl would be the way to go.

In conclusion, these aren't really problems, more that they are obstacles to overcome. I'm only 6 foot 3, for a sense of perspective, a friend of mine who I used to play basketball with was 6 foot 9, or 2.06m, I don't know how he survived. Being tall brings positives too: being able to see over crowds, being naturally better at basketball than someone sub six foot tall, and my favourite of all, adamantly saying that I am only 5 foot 9 to someone with small man syndrome, and watching their little face go red with bluster as we compare heights. Another benefit is standing at urinals next to these people, but that's another story.

In Praise of #5: Drunken Master 2

Hello, 

and welcome to the latest of the 'In Praise Of' series. This will be the second one about a movie, after the one on Mad Max 2, accessible here. Today will be on another underrated classic, 'Drunken Master 2', also known as 'The Legend of Drunken Master.' This is a kung fu movie which even people with no interest in kung fu will enjoy, and one of the best martial arts and acrobatics films ever.

Better than it looks. [source]

I get the feeling that Hollywood movies like 'The Medallion', 'The Tuxedo' and maybe even the Rush Hour series will have tainted people against Jackie Chan. As opposed to his mediocre Hollywood Movies, which aren't great, this is a production from Hong Kong. For these Hong Kong movies, typically they will think up stunts and fights, and then staple a basic plot around them.


A usual Jackie Chan movie made in Hong Kong have in total:  
  20 minutes plot setting and comedy scenes 
  10 minutes love interest
  10 minutes uninformed Chinese propaganda
  40 minutes and fighting
  2 minutes action replay of stunts (deadly)
  3 minutes giving the main bad guy an excuse to get away so they can fight the: 
  10 minute conclusion fight and happy ending


However, for 'Drunken Master 2' this is different: The plot setting, love interest and comedy scenes are combined, which leaves you with half of the movie as action scenes. Also, the action, in terms of speed, precision, and acrobatic ability, are the best you'll ever see. This, of all Jackie's movies, is the one with the very best fights, and Jackie at the peak of his athletic powers. More importantly, he may also be at the peak of his powers as a physical comedian.

The Drunken Master technique requires booze, here Jackie overdoes it . [source]

The plot revolves around the use of the banned 'Drunken Master' technique, which which Jackie learned in the original movies. Apparently getting really drunk allows your reflexes to kick in and allows you to dish out some serious ass kicking. However, scientifically dubious fact is more or less irrelevant, as is the plot. The plot, such as it is, involves the British Consulate trying to steal some valuable Chinese jade ornaments. Eventually Jackie (or Wong Hei Fung) gets involved, and he has to try to reclaim them, prevent more theft, and also keep his father's Kung Fu school open. Yeah, you know what to expect, so instead, you watch for the fight scenes, which are impressive beyond mere words:  

However, there are some problems: It's set when Hong Kong is a British colony, (I think sometime between the two World Wars), and the British are shown as treacherous and duplicitous- the special services guy tells that if given the chance, they will steal the entire Great Wall of China. I don't want to get into the politics of it, but it does seem to forgive and forget the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution. This makes sense as the movie was made right before the handover of power back to China. However, this political stuff isn't particularly invasive or annoying, and luckily neither is the love story, which is subtly tacked on, giving Jackie someone to fight for other than his parents, and country.

Jackie's step-mother in the movie (she is seen in the video just above) is some pop star who is much younger than him. She's funny, and provides good humour to her scenes. She's also a very sympathetic character, and the movie shows the importance of family without ever getting too saccharine. Unintentional humour comes from some workers, who manage to steal guns from their British oppressors, only to break them up on their thighs, instead of, you know, using them. Other comedy scenes are patchy also. However, I don't want to sound negative, this is an excellent action movie, and one I've watched loads of times - it's one of those, introduce-it-to-friends-who-then-introduce-it-to-their-friends type movies. In case you are worried, it is a movie filled with action, but only rarely with violence: really, it's sheer entertainment.

The movie is underpinned by a half dozen jaw dropping fights. Other than the one linked above, and others, the scene below where Jackie and his new friend fight off a hundred members of a gang in a restaurant, is often mentioned as one of the best ever filmed. It can be seen in two parts here:

Probably the best of all is the insane final scene, which is a highpoint in action cinema. A battle which takes place in a smelting room takes up the final 15 minutes and is amazing. Jackie's main opponent (seen below) is his bodyguard and friend in real life, and only played the role when the original actor pulled out. He performs more than admirably. This scene is tense, brutal, and filled with genuine excitement. Watch it now:

For the record, that is Jackie Chan on fire, and escaping genuine flaming coals. Of this scene, Roger Ebert said "coming at the end of a film filled with jaw-dropping action scenes, this extended virtuoso effort sets some kind of benchmark. It may not be possible to film a better fight scene." I think he's right, here's the scene, it's incredible. 

Further acclamation was that TIME magazine chose this movie as one of its best 100 movies of all time, even though, on closer inspection, it listed 133 movies. Still, it's no mean feat. What makes this even more impressive that at the time of filming, 1994, Jackie was pushing 40 years old, he's still in incredible shape. Furthermore, this makes the scenes where he is beaten by his father (a man of roughly the same age as Jackie) for excessive drinking and fighting all the more insane. 

In conclusion: The best fight scenes ever filmed, with funny bits and which highlights family bonding and friendship as well, make this an absolute winner. However, this movie is not available on DVD in the UK (I have an Australian version) which is incredibly depressing. 'How I Met Your Mother' is on every single day, for sale in every shop, while you can't get one of the best action movies ever, Weak. Still, hunt it down, you won't regret it. Alternatively, just watch the videos above, that's pretty much the best stuff!


Have a great weekend, Pascal. 

Best N.B.A. Names

The following are good names of people who play in the N.B.A.. Often these names are amusing on their own, but are made a million times better by belonging to 7 foot tall black guys. For example, Olden Polynice looks like this:

...Despite having the name of a little old lady [source]

Other than him, there is:


Calbert Cheaney


Craig 'Speedy' Claxton


Clarence Weatherspoon


Iman Shumpert


Bo Outlaw


Carlos Boozer


Fennis Dembo


Uwe Blab 

Jrah Holiday


Yinka Dare


Lafayatte 'Fat' Lever


Mookie Blaylock - the original name for the band 'Pearl Jam'


Kermit Washington - who because of an on-court fight was remembered as 'Killer Kermit'


Pervis Ellison - who had the nickname of 'Never Nervous Pervis'

Ron Artest (who changed his name to Metta World Peace)

and my Favourite of all time, God Shammgod


Of these, I would most like to be named Clarence Weatherspoon, closely followed by Calbert Cheaney.

Sadly not real, [source]

Gere or far #2: Non-Japanese Movies

The previous Gere or far, [which can be found here] was nothing short of a revelation. It was received well by the three people who read it, and as a result there is continuing talk of me becoming the next James Bond. However, there were problems with the feature. For example, the premise was never defined. I suppose it was to take a Richard Gere movie I hated, and use actors from it to move on to find other movies which I actually enjoyed. Although the original was one of the best things I've ever written, I have run into a snag: I don't think I've seen any other Richard Gere movies. I might have seen Pretty Woman, but almost definitely that was an attempt to get laid, so I would have been too busy making unpleasant moves. So... let's change the details, now it is a list of movies which I like, with overlapping actors, and if Richard Gere is involved in any of them, then that's O.K. In honour of complaints, there won't be any Japanese movies.

1. The Castle (1997)

Awesome. Incidentally, I have been compared to the guy on the far left. [source]

A great movie, and hilarious. Deliberately, filled with in-jokes, stupid puns and some of the very worst fashion of all time. It's an affectionate portrayal of a stupid, poor family, but imbibed with an Australian joie de vivre and a great, humorous optimism(not bad huh?) It's very Australian, you can imagine a British version not being as funny, and not being as nice. It has rightly become an Australia Day Classic. On a sidenote, I can't explain why Australia Day has gone from being a chance for Aboriginals to protest, to the biggest party day of the year. Still, this movie is well worth checking out. Anyway, the Kickboxing, mildly retarded Son-In-Law, Con, is played by Eric Bana, a handsome man and a funny dude. He is neither of these in...

2. Chopper (2000)

I also have loads of pictures of me looking aggressive, with a skanky, resentful girlfriend, so I sympathise. [source]

Where he plays Australia's most famous living murderer Mark 'Chopper' Read, who is now a successful author in Australia (Ned Kelly, if you're asking about Australia's most famous murderer.) The movie charts the fall, rise and fall again, of Mark Chopper Read, dealing with his imprisonment, subsequent fame and his loneliness. Bana brings charisma and a quiet terror to the character, which is astonishing as he had been primarily in comedies before this. He seems to really enjoy playing a fat guy, which he did by 'eating pizzas and not moving around much'. My brother saw the real Chopper give a talk in Australia, and he said that he is terrifying but only about 5'6. Anyway, It's a fine movie, and a star-maker for Bana. Chopper's prostitute girlfriend, who is beaten along with her mother by a jealous Chopper, is played by Kate Beahan who was in...

3. The Wicker Man (2006)

He is allergic to bees. Also, he hates bees. [source]

Probably one of the worst movies I've ever seen, and not one I'm proud to admit to. I've already admitted my fondness for the original version and this just crapped all over that, removing anything interesting, saucy or amusing from the original. Instead you get two hours of Nicolas Cage having flashbacks, punching women in the face, and screaming about bees. It's not even amusing, but I still watched it to spend more time with the girl I had a crush on. What a douchebag I am. I think that Kate Beahan plays the wife of Nic Cage, but it's such a shit box I don't remember. Nicolas Cage is one of my very least favourite actors, especially the nonsense he spouts in interviews, but he is capable of pulling out a good character from time to time. Although I can't remember if he was any good in...

4. Cotton Club (1984) 

Here is our man, complete with Dirty Hampste- I mean Dirty Sanchez moustache... [source]

I have seen this, and I am completely indifferent about it. It's not great, not awful, and is the very definition of unmemorable. However, it stars... RICHARD GERE, alongside Nicolas Cage (who's birthname is Nicolas Coppola) as well as an appearance by Sophia Coppola. It's directed by Francis Ford Coppola, so I assume that he must know Sophia and Nicolas somehow (seriously though, nepotism kills). The movie's about jazz, gangsters, and Richard Gere sleeping around with gangsters molls and avoiding trouble before a triumphant scene where he plays to the club again (I wrote this before reading the plot again, and looking on wikipedia, it's pretty much perfect.) I think Nicolas Cage was one of the gangsters, but don't hold me to it: for an insane gimp, he can be pretty unmemorable. Finally, this movie was directed by Francis Ford Coppola, who also directed...

5. The Godfather (1971)

I so want this... [source]

as well as directing The Godfather II, The Conversation, and Apocalypse Now, which means I pretty much forgive him for anything. A terrific movie, and one which is popularly and critically acclaimed. Have you ever met someone intelligent who doesn't like it? I didn't think so. It's got great action scenes, great acting, and still manages to portray a family over a generation with sympathy despite the unpleasant business they are in. Also, Sophia Coppola is that baby getting baptised in the end, so that could be the link too. If you've not watched it, go and watch it.

In conclusion: This wasn't much fun to write. Will there be another one? Possibly, as I have thought of a couple of Richard Gere movies I have also watched, perhaps there will be more of this [cue fireworks and rapturous applause].

5 Greatest Named People I've Ever Met

I've met a lot of people, the vast majority have been boring people with boring names. Others are boring but have awesome names, though that's usually the choice of their parents. An old girlfriend of mine's brother went to school with twins called Lancelot and Merlin. He was a younger brother, and this was ages ago, so they would be around 20 now. I really hope that they hate their parents because of it. The following five people are friends and acquaintances who have names which are interesting, but which I wouldn't want in place of my own name, Pascal. For the sake of closure, people I know who have cool names which I would happily have in place of my own include: Tesfaye Gebrahemadin, Ramachandran Padmanabhan, and Michael Quest.

5. Miaow Jones 
This girl I met in Australia. Being called 'Miaow' is a weird in itself, but this is made even weirder by the fact that her name rhymes with DOW Jones. She was from China originally, and took so many drugs that she looked double her age. She was thin, and wore see-through shirts, so that you could her weirdly elongated nipples at all times. I don't know how she didn't get arrested more. Also, she used to hit constantly on my then-girlfriend, trying to make out with her, and offering her drugs as regular people would offer chewing gum. She was as weird as her name was. One of those people I would be interested in finding out what she is doing now.

4. Cleverly Fong
A girl from Hong Kong who went to school in the U.K. when I was there. I don't think I ever spoke to her in my entire four year schooling, but it was Britain, so at least half of my year were so shy they were effectively mute. I like the juxtaposition of Cleverly and Fong. It's an interesting name, but made a million times more interesting when she started going out with Jack Clever (Pronounced Clee-ver). Had they married, she would have become Cleverly Clever. As nothing ever turns out well (at least for me), they broke up, and so she remains a respectable #4 on this list. 

3. Innocent Safari

A weird name on both counts, you can imagine people saying "cool name, bro" if he had either of those names. For example, being James Safari or Innocent Smith would still be cool names. As it was he had two great names. He was from Kenya, and didn't really talk much, but he seemed a nice guy (innocent, if you will). Probably the only really interesting thing about him was his name, which is interesting, how do you even have an innocent safari?

2. Murray Christmas

This guy was in school with me in New Zealand, and in a school filled with really weirdly named people, he was famous for having a weird name. Others to consider from that school: a 12 year old Maori called Moss Wainwright, a girl called Kirby, and a guy called Simian, complete with enormously long arms - it was a weird school. I never spoke to him, but could recognise him by the crowd of New Zealanders surrounding him to make fun of him. Now, he must have changed his name, or killed a whole bunch of people in revenge. I wouldn't be surprised if it was both. Still, poor bastard.

1. Dancin' Knightly

The weirdest name I've ever met in real life. I met him in a club in Edinburgh, he was of Indian origin (although he was Scottish), which makes me think that it that the " 'cin " bit of his name could be derived  from Singh. However, he showed me his driver's license, and swore blind that he hadn't changed his name by deed poll. He was a bit of a dick. For that, he goes to #1.

P.S. The inspiration for this is Norm Hiscock, a producer of the Excellent 'Parks and Recreation' (which is really worth checking out by the way) and whenever I read it I say his name out loud quickly. I'm also a fan of Cat Cubie, a pretty girl who reads the weather out on Scottish news.

In Praise of #4: The Almond

Another short, food-based In Praise of (more movie ones will come later, I promise.) Today, we honour the mighty almond: Prince of all nuts.

An unassuming drupe, it makes up in flavour what it lacks in aesthetic value. [source]

What is most interesting about an almond is that it isn't technically a nut, it's a drupe (although I'm not sure if anything on earth counts as a nut: peanuts, walnuts and hazelnuts are all technically not nuts!) What is best about the almond is that it has the almost unique ability to improve nearly every single dish on earth, be that dish savoury or sweet.

For example, add almonds to a Greek or Turkish Lamb dish, and the dish goes from being pleasant, to being the best thing on earth. Eat them on their own and they have a high nutritional value and deliver protein efficiently [source]. Add almond paste and almonds to a regular croissant (to make, wait for it, almond croissants) and you have both the least healthy potential breakfast dish ever, and the best tasting dish ever. Seriously, almond croissants are worth the inevitable diabetes you will get.

I was going to put up a picture of almond croissants, but that would make me too hungry. Instead, this is the beautiful almond blossom, which is attractive in the present, and suggests healthy almonds for the future. [source]

The only exception for me is Indian curries. Almonds are used as the base for Pasanda caurries, but they  aren't the best, though they are still ok. However, as the surprisingly thorough Wikipedia Page, says, the humble almond has contributed to nearly all of the best cuisines on earth. Anything which is used to make Lamb Tajine, Amaretto (the best of the wussy drinks), and french Macaroon biscuits, deserves nothing but our praise.

 For that, It's the king of all false nuts. Long live this usurper king!

Thoughts so far

Ok, I've been doing this a couple of months now, and it's been quietly successful. This is surprising, especially as I've only told a few people about it. There have been some laughs, some awkward emails (I probably shouldn't have published '5 Biggest Mancrushes' first, but I'm very flattered by the attention.) There's also been some controvery, but I think it's going well. I've been told that keeping it briefer would be better, and for once I'll listen to advice.

Thanks for reading, Pascal.

Worst things in fashion right now

Hello!

Usually I can walk around town without wanting to kill people. But yesterday, a mix of hunger, slow-walking people who don't let you pass, and an endless parade of tossers, meant that I was imagining a giant satellite shooting beams down and killing masses of people (cool huh?). I tend not to follow fashion too closely, mainly because I'm too poor to dress like a fashion-savvy dickhead, and too clever to get sucked into it (or am I? - actually I suppose I am). Anyway, here are the 5 worst 'fashionable' things I saw yesterday on my tip through town. What pisses me off is a mixture of the fashion itself, and the fact that these people really think that they are the boss: it's unfounded arrogance. My advice: to keep egos down, don't fuck anyone with any of the following 5:

1. Ironic Beards:

By that I mean beards grown by people to look fashionable, and not in order to be funny. Although you have to monitor yourself constantly for hipster-beard, growing a full beard is often funny; as are novelty beards, for example:

Pretty funny, also pretty gross.

Instead I mean beards which: take a lot of effort to maintain; are done for fashion rather than amusement, and especially those with patterns. For whatever reason, people who grow these beards tend to be collossal dickheads. This pisses me off not because it takes effort, or because I'm jealous, but because you look like a bell-end, yet you are still swaggering around, ruining every bar you come into.

Yeah, I've still seen worse in upmarket Edinburgh bars.

This is a good example, but for the full effect, you'd need it to be a posh-guy in a sleeveless jacket. 

2. Leggings: 

Ok, leggings isn't good for anyone. If you're attractive and wear them, you're not doing us a favour by allowing us to look at your hot buns: you're admitting that you think you are attractive. This in itself is a huge turn-off. If you are of the enormo-persuasion, as seems to be the norm:..

I was amazed, and not in a good way, at how many pictures there were like this on a mere google search. The Internet is a terrifying place. [source]

If you have put on a couple of extra pounds, or if the guys from my basketball team find you alluring, then you're not doing anyone a favour by wearing leggings and nothing else. Only the rest of my team wants to see your cellulite-y ass waddling along (seriously, we had a match where the team girlfriends came along, it was like a collection of spinning tops cheering us on.)

However, this makes me dizzy. 

On a personal note with leggings: I will forever remember seeing a girl pushing her boyfriends car in the snow   in the dark -who says chivalry isn't dead? Another car came up behind her and the headlights turned her leggings see-through. You could see underwear and her tattoo, a devil on her ass cheek. I looked at the driver of that car, and we gave the 'not bad' look to each other. Similarly, I will never forget, even if I wanted to, a girl in a Jack Wills jacket and leggings, talking noisily on the phone, her pubic hair sprouting through her leggings like egg cress. Despite this, she still thought that she was the boss. Unbelievable.

3. Girls With One Shaven Side Of Head:

This really seems to have become the haircut of choice recently. A girl friend of mine had told me that this was because one of the Saturdays had the side of her head shaved. For those not in the know (I wasn't either), the Saturdays are a less talented, more chlamydia-ridden, British version of the Pussycat Dolls.) This rebellious act seems to have caused every 18-25 woman who lists their interest in 'fashion' and 'photography,' in an original move, to shave the side of their own head. This is bad enough, but my investigations online suggest that it comes from some Dubstep guy called Skrillex. For those of you not in the know, Dubstep is the music idiots listen to. I would have been happier not knowing these people existed.

For example, look at this. Everything about her screams 'try-hard!' and 'nightmare!' simultaneously [source]

And the only thing worse than this chicks hair, facial-pose, and glasses which she almost definitely doesn't need, is that nothing you can say will bring her down. [source]

Anyway, if you have that haircut, and are reading this, you don't look cool, or edgy, you look like a nightmare, and that's the reason why the only people who fuck you are people who hate you, and have...

4. Pants Way Down Low:

Subtly taken by a friend while doing shopping. It looks like he's shit himself.

I've heard that this has caught on from rap fashion, which was mirroring the fact that when you are in prison you had your belt taken from you so you couldn't strangle yourself. I've also heard that it was a sign that you were available as a sex-object in prison. As you can see in any town now, the belt is now used to keep the pants at that level, allowing everyone a view of your sweaty, cheap underwear. Anyway, if you are wearing it, it makes you look like you're hauling a nappy full of shit around. If you are wearing a belt, but you keep having to haul your belt up, then you're a dick.

I have also heard that this fashion has arrived from hip-hop, which would explain why it's mainly done by middle class white-boys. Call me crazy, but I don't think 2Pac would approve.

 What annoys me most is how universally this has been adopted. It's seriously everywhere. What makes it worse is how universally it will be forgotten in about a year or two: I've seen far too much sweaty man-crack for this to be ignored and then adopted by the next generation of idiots.

Although this might explain it.

From what I understand, this guy is for real. You can find it by typing in 'sagging master ' to google, although there are other results which are NSFW, and not safe for soul.

5. Bag on Elbow:

This refers to a particular look of a particular sort of girl, and which is nearly impossible to find a picture of. The girls I am thinking of, and who seem to be about 40% of Edinburgh's population, walk around in leggings, one arm filled with shopping bags, their purse, is held in the crook of their other arm. For some bizarre biological reason, their arms all point away from their body at the exact same angle. I didn't realise that I disliked this until I saw four girls yesterday wearing almost identical outfits, but with their arms at the identical level, it was a little frightening. (of course, there are no pictures of this, but this is something)...

[source]This isn't it at all, but I like how much effort she's gone to to obscure her face.

This is a little closer, but she's actually pretty, as opposed to the people I see, who merely think they are. Also she's not got three identically dressed mates in the same pose next to her.[source]

Unfortunately, it's impossible to find a picture of. I understand that you have to have a bag, and that bag is heavy, and that the crook of the elbow would be a good place for it, but I don't understand why you have to look exactly alike, and hold your arms in the same angle like a weird optical illusion. The pictures above don't really convey it, but I've decided I hate it. (N.B. it was difficult to find pictures for all of these, except for #2 - which was grotesque).


In conclusion: 
People who follow fashion do so for any of these three reasons:
1.) Because they are too stupid to develop a personality
2.) Because they want to look original
3.) Because they want to look the same as everyone else

and often an irreconcilable mix of these three reasons.

I know I sound like an old crank, but I really just hate fashionista tossers who should know better.

P.S. There are other fashion things which didn't make the list, but which are bubbling under. These include: guys wearing colourful jumpers with a single animal on it in an ironic way; goth fashion; check-shirt boys; and the now common neck tattoo. Weak.

Anyway, have a rockin' weekend.

In Praise of #3: The Belchin' Belgian: Belgian Beers.

Beer, beer beer beer BEER! Beer is great. Strong beer is greater. Belgian Beers are the greatest. I think most of these are Trappist, but I'm not sure what the distinction or definition of that is, but I know it has something to do with monks. Once you get above 8% strength, just drinking a couple gets you such a mellow, chilled drunk-ness that you just smile like a foreign exchange student. Even when some fat Brummie couple come up and smack your friend on the side of the head, your faith in humanity will be at an all-time high. All of the following will get you drunk, and all kick ass, so don't take the order too seriously. Also, Chimay isn't there, because there are too many different variations, but they're all worth a go too.

5. Forbidden Fruit - 8.8%

[source]

She's a beauty: a dark lustrous minx who'll fuck you up in no time. This is incidentally is what I look for in a woman. Tasty, exotic, and you really struggle to get it in Australia (when you do it's not cheap.) What's more, it has a picture of Adam tempting Eve with a beer on the front, which is both delicious and sacrilegious (sacrilicious?)

4. Duvel - 8.5%

[source]

This is good because it is close to ubiquitous in the United Kingdom. Any large supermarket will have this and at least one colour Chimay to help whet your Belgian beer beak. It's probably too strong a flavour to really enjoy, but luckily you only need a couple to induce a sense of wellness which is just swell.

When chilled correctly , it has a strong, refined taste. However, if you drink it warm, or even tepid, it tastes of iron mixed with sweat. Also, in supermarkets it went from £1.29 to £2.09 overnight, which means it's no longer a cheap swilling option, but a symbol of your refinement and culture (until you swill it in the middle of the street). This price rise on its own would be enough for me to condemn the libdem-conservative alliance, without even considering the awful things they are doing to the country.

3. Delirium Tremens 9.0%

[source] 

I love this, especially as you mainly get it in cool bars. The bottle is made of porcelain or something, and I actually have one of the glasses (which was NOT stolen from an Amsterdam bar). The beer itself is super strong, and does effect you on a serious level. I also love the fact that it's named after a side-effect of alcohol abuse. The pink and blue colour scheme adds to the delight, and the pink elephant motif is great fun, reminding everyone of Dumbo, and bringing a tear to their cragged, beer-stained faces. It's probably the logo I would most likely get tattooed (which still won't happen, as I have a personality.) 

On closer inspection, it looks kind of scary. [source]

2. Tripel Karmaliet 8.0%

[source]

Another beer with its own cool glass to drink from. A rarity factor in the U.K. means searching for it brings a whole 'thrill of the chase' aspect. Of the five I've listed, this probably has the best flavour, strong but tender, with a caramel scent (which I suppose is what the 'Karmaliet' means). It also has a cool, simple, rustic artwork on it: A joy.

1. Kwak 8.4%

[source]

This is the king, I suppose, the flavour is as good as the others, the odour is distinctly almond-ey, which is a great thing. What pushes it to the top for me is the vaguely medical-looking stand and glass that you drink it from (i.e. see above). It's awesome to the point that I actually have one, a box set with beer stand, another thing which should prevent me from ever getting laid again, luckily I'm tall. Still, a great beer, and probably Belgium's greatest contribution to culture. 

Valentine's Day Asskisser (Massacre?)

Yeah, forget the title, today's treatise is about Valentine's day, particularly how it's celebrated in the United Kingdom. From the middle of January, there are adverts on TVs and papers, to buy stuff for Valentine's Day, right about now it is nearly universal, it is definitely unavoidable. However, it's getting earlier and earlier,  before the New Year, I saw an ad for a trip you can book which said 'Book now in time for Valentine's day.' It seems to have gotten more and more pervasive as the recession goes on. Most ads at least mention it, there are displays in most shops, and nearly every restaurant is now advertising a special Valentine's Day Special Meal (which is a set meal, a glass of champagne, and an extortionate price). The worst thing about this is that people, and by people I mean couples, really seem to have fallen for it, and I think that's sad.

For instance this happy, Stock-photo couple make me sick.

Valentine's day is supposed to be about single people, giving them a state-sanctioned excuse to pitch anonymous messages of woo to cheer themselves up. Instead, it is now is a day for couples to be overt in their affection. Idiot couples buy set meals in shitty restaurants not because of any feelings they have for each other, but because it's the done thing. They eat their meal, don't talk, and then go and have perfunctory, once-a-year sex when they get home. I really don't get it, don't just fuck on Valentine's day because some card company wants you to, do it all year round, love the one you're with.

Guys: don't buy a grown woman a teddy-bear holding a love heart, don't buy a dozen red balloons  for someone you barely talk to the rest of the year. Girls, don't go on about being spoiled, it's shameless at best, especially if you're neglected for the rest of the year. Most importantly, don't buy lingerie and use it once like it's been forced on you like the State (I read that Ann Summers does it's best business in the week running up to Valentine's day) Also, it smacks of a lack of originality, if you're going to get kinky, do it right!

This enforced affection between couples is bad for two reasons. First, special days which force you to be nice allow you to not be nice for the rest of the year. If your only romance in the year is n Valentine's day, you shouldn't be together. Similarly, you can't treat your mother like shit all year and then offset that with a mother's day breakfast in bed and a giving her a card at some Card Company's behest. Let's do better everyone.

Secondly, why should couples take over Valentine's day? They already get far too much attention: tax breaks, 2-for-1 deals, and have you ever tried to eat one of those Dine for £10 meals from Marks and Spencers on your own? It's difficult. Instead, let's put Valentine's Day back to what it was, a day for dorks and loners to get the glimpse of human kindness once a year.

Check out this loser, now that's better! [source] 

In conclusion: I know that this is the most Carrie Bradshaw-esque piece of nonsense I've written so far, please just nod your head and agree with the points I was making. On a positive note, if you do want to get your sweetheart flowers, you know the ads to the side will let you know how to get them, what a great system!