Yes, this may seem a little bitter. Yes, most of the judgements I make here aren't substantiated. So what? If I can't follow instincts from time to time, why do we even have them? The following are (non-exhaustive) reasons why I don't like the England Cricket team.
First of all, the fans don't help. Miserable and excuse-making when they lose, churlish and unpleasant when they win, they make it not fun to be around. To put this into perspective, when beer is involved, I could get along with 90% of the world.
The commentators are irritating too. Although there are some good ones who are English, David Gower is relatively impartial and innocuous, as is Mike Atherton, David Lloyd is pretty entertaining, the bad ones more than outweigh that. for example, take the entertaining, intelligent and wise commentary of Shane Warne, or David Lloyd, and compare that to the whining, self-aggrandising nonsense of Ian Botham. Compare it with the ridiculous Nasser Hussain, who seems to thnk himself as one of the all-time greats, instead of a tosser who looks like a failed Michael Keaton. I fully admit that Mark Taylor and the guys who commentate in australia are pretty bad too, but that's not the point of this.
Now we go onto the actual players, my most disliked is Stuart Broad. Not because of that 'should he have walked?' thing (he was right not to). Instead, I dislike him for his obvious, misplaced arrogance, I dislike him for the temper, and the false bravado. Despite being posh, he thinks he's tough. He reminds me of a guy I met who went to Harrow school but shaved a mohawk and tried to start fights with other, better people. That's bad enough, but the worst thing is, he seems like a shit bloke. Would you want to meet him for a drink? Exactly.
Alistair Cook is also annoying, though not as much as Broad. There's something about his face, combined with his accent which makes you want to spend the whole night hitting on his girlfriend to try to annoy him, and he wouldn't get angry, just say "I'm sorry, but could you stop hitting on my girlfriend?" Why would he need to apologise. He looks and sounds like an over-privileged, kettle-headed buffoon. He may be a good batsman, but is it worth it?
Significantly, the 'England' team is choc-full of South Africans. The backbone of the batting is comprised of Kevin Pieterson, Ian Trott, and Matt Prior. Recently retired is Andrew Strauss, another South African born. You can't boast about winning if the team is full of ringers. Before English fans spit out your tea and say 'they have every right to play for England. Jonathan Trott has an English grandmother By Jove!" and being sullen all day, you should watch a video interview with Jonathan Trott and try to claim the same thing. There's a reason he only looks and bats like a south African, and sounds like one, it's because he is a South African. I'm not sure about Matt Prior, but Kevin Pieterson is still, and always will be to me, a jug-faced, menstrual Jaapie, despite his increasingly mock-cockney voice. Pieterson, with his jug-face, constant and embarrassing arguments with managements, frequent twitter outbursts (the true sign of a solipsistic cock) and tribal tattoos which are terrible even by tribal tattoos standards, is a prick. However much of an England fan you are, hearing Pieterson and his giant head talking about 'triumphs in English Cricket' should make you ashamed.
I'm not a fan of Ian Bell, or Graeme Swann, both of whom are overrated, particularly by the English commentators. They're both ok, but the fact that their averages are up there with other, better players, is a sign of the decline of test cricket.
The same is true for Jimmy Anderson, a miserable, bandy-legged prick who has a face you'd never tire of slapping. Despite not being very good, at a historical level, he's been whingeing around long enough to be pretty high up on the England all-time wicket takers list. Bizarre. I was going to write about the joyless way that England go about their cricket, the utterly boring interviews which show what cretins they are, or Tim Bresnan, but I'll leave you with this... if you have David Cameron or Prince Harry cheering alongside you, you're most likely a prick.
First of all, the fans don't help. Miserable and excuse-making when they lose, churlish and unpleasant when they win, they make it not fun to be around. To put this into perspective, when beer is involved, I could get along with 90% of the world.
The commentators are irritating too. Although there are some good ones who are English, David Gower is relatively impartial and innocuous, as is Mike Atherton, David Lloyd is pretty entertaining, the bad ones more than outweigh that. for example, take the entertaining, intelligent and wise commentary of Shane Warne, or David Lloyd, and compare that to the whining, self-aggrandising nonsense of Ian Botham. Compare it with the ridiculous Nasser Hussain, who seems to thnk himself as one of the all-time greats, instead of a tosser who looks like a failed Michael Keaton. I fully admit that Mark Taylor and the guys who commentate in australia are pretty bad too, but that's not the point of this.
Now we go onto the actual players, my most disliked is Stuart Broad. Not because of that 'should he have walked?' thing (he was right not to). Instead, I dislike him for his obvious, misplaced arrogance, I dislike him for the temper, and the false bravado. Despite being posh, he thinks he's tough. He reminds me of a guy I met who went to Harrow school but shaved a mohawk and tried to start fights with other, better people. That's bad enough, but the worst thing is, he seems like a shit bloke. Would you want to meet him for a drink? Exactly.
Alistair Cook is also annoying, though not as much as Broad. There's something about his face, combined with his accent which makes you want to spend the whole night hitting on his girlfriend to try to annoy him, and he wouldn't get angry, just say "I'm sorry, but could you stop hitting on my girlfriend?" Why would he need to apologise. He looks and sounds like an over-privileged, kettle-headed buffoon. He may be a good batsman, but is it worth it?
Significantly, the 'England' team is choc-full of South Africans. The backbone of the batting is comprised of Kevin Pieterson, Ian Trott, and Matt Prior. Recently retired is Andrew Strauss, another South African born. You can't boast about winning if the team is full of ringers. Before English fans spit out your tea and say 'they have every right to play for England. Jonathan Trott has an English grandmother By Jove!" and being sullen all day, you should watch a video interview with Jonathan Trott and try to claim the same thing. There's a reason he only looks and bats like a south African, and sounds like one, it's because he is a South African. I'm not sure about Matt Prior, but Kevin Pieterson is still, and always will be to me, a jug-faced, menstrual Jaapie, despite his increasingly mock-cockney voice. Pieterson, with his jug-face, constant and embarrassing arguments with managements, frequent twitter outbursts (the true sign of a solipsistic cock) and tribal tattoos which are terrible even by tribal tattoos standards, is a prick. However much of an England fan you are, hearing Pieterson and his giant head talking about 'triumphs in English Cricket' should make you ashamed.
I'm not a fan of Ian Bell, or Graeme Swann, both of whom are overrated, particularly by the English commentators. They're both ok, but the fact that their averages are up there with other, better players, is a sign of the decline of test cricket.
The same is true for Jimmy Anderson, a miserable, bandy-legged prick who has a face you'd never tire of slapping. Despite not being very good, at a historical level, he's been whingeing around long enough to be pretty high up on the England all-time wicket takers list. Bizarre. I was going to write about the joyless way that England go about their cricket, the utterly boring interviews which show what cretins they are, or Tim Bresnan, but I'll leave you with this... if you have David Cameron or Prince Harry cheering alongside you, you're most likely a prick.
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