Caution, Head may or may not contain brain.

Every so often you read a statistic like ‘more people are killed by paper cuts per year in America than by Sharks,’ or that the reason that there is a ‘caution: may contain nuts’ on the side of every packet of nuts was because some guy with a nut allergy ate a pack. Thinking that as it was labelled as 'almond', and not 'almond nut', he wasn't allergic. Incidentally, nut allergy is the wussiest of all the allergies. The resultant signs (e.g. 'Caution, Contains Wheat!') on walls, food packets, and public transport, are therefore placed to cover companies asses against being sued.

 "What kind of fucktards need these signs? Don't they have common sense?" you ask, while crackin' wise around good friends. You would ask questions like this around attractive friends, but they tend to be the type who break out in skat singing during a conversation on the Middle East because their “brain starts hurting if they think about things too much.” When I was in University accommodation, I had a sink, above the hot water tap was a sign which said ‘caution: very hot water coming out of the tap’ – despite the fact that the water was tepid at best, surely if you are literate, you should realise that a hot water tap should will contain hot water. What morons are these? And this is in a university, supposedly a place for the best and brightest to mingle- what is this place coming to?

 Then I thought about it a little, I have a scar just above my eyebrow from where I ran into a swing when I was a toddler. I argue that someone should have been looking after me, while secretly acknowledging that I should have known that there was a swing there, even though I was three. Also, years ago, I tried to cut a pizza with a pizza cutter, but the safety guard flew off and the blade chopped into my finger, leaving a deep gash which cut into the bone and through the fingernail. The whole ordeal left me confusedly looking at a fountain of blood pouring onto my homemade Hawaiian pizza. More recently, a faulty cup left me holding the handle of a cup while the actual bit that holds the tea (thankfully tepid) fell with great force onto my groin. It took me at least a minute to work out what had happened, and a lot more of putting ice on my genitals. 

While putting a packet of frozen peas on my testicles, I was reminded of the quote by the great Homer Simpson, asking ‘Why do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?’ – would a sticker on the mug which said ‘caution: handle may fall off and scold you in the junk’ or a pizza wheel sticker which said ‘caution, safety bar may suck ass and you can spurt blood onto a Turkish carpet’ – almost definitely not, but at least now I’m aware that stupid things can happened to anyone, even me. The moral of the story: Shit happens. That's why adults don’t sue in tort; instead, adults accept that things happen and ice their balls.