A New Musical: Foreigner

I've spent basically my entire work day doing this, which means it is a million times more productive than my regular day. We were discussing 'Mama Mia,' that Abba Musical, and thought about which other artists would be good to make a musical about. There's that Queen one, and someone said a Spice Girls musical is in development,*  and we agreed that a Meat Loaf one would be pompous and bombastic -pompastic, if you will- enough to work well. My idea, which we developed over the day, was a musical with songs from the 70s / 80s band Foreigner, a band I genuinely, inexplicably have a soft spot for. Here is an outline:

N.B. Due to a misunderstanding, I thought that Mama Mia changed the lyrics so that it would best fit  with the plot, for example, instead of 'Dancing Queen' they would sing about 'Dad's ice-cream' to the same tune. While that may seem like the maddest thing I've ever write, it was a simple misunderstanding, but it also explains why this foreigner musical is about a baker. So let's sit through and imagine(songs in bold):

 

FOREIGNER: BREAD GAMES 

we wake to find a man, at first successful, but now down on his luck... the song playing is...
BLUE MORNING, BLUE DAY- he sings along as he is rejected from job after job...
we cut to him on a dark street, a single street light flickering out to him, in silhouette... belting out...
I WANNA KNOW WHAT LIFE IS (i.e. 'I wanna know what love is') cut to black as he blacks out. Drunk? probably.

He has a miraculous dream where he is talked to by a giant, benevolent baker (I'm imagining Brian Blessed) who implants the importance of bread into his head- with a start he wakes up, we cut to a montage and the song... BREAD GAMES (i.e. 'Head Games') which shows him learning how to bake and make bread related items. It shows him making friends, and at the end, they all receive a loan to start their own bakery. It plays a small snippet of I WANNA KNOW WHAT LOAF IS but not enough to make people leave. They receive a certificate, they have drinks to celebrate. As he gets drunker, he begins chatting to a beautiful girl, though she is mean to him. She explains that her names is Luanne, and he breaks into song LUANNE. He sees her again later, and she remains incredibly mean to him, mocking his denim suit, his straggly hair, and his pot-belly. Our heroes friends all tell him to ignore her, because she's as... COLD AS ICE they all laugh, and agree to focus on baking (oh, I forgot to say, they're opening up a bakery together - why they're out drinking when they need to be up at 3am is something that a really good writer would be able to sort out). Scene cuts to dark.

Day dawning, frantic, possibly sexy baking action going on. As its their first time baking it... FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME, they chat away and banter (a word I hate), as people come in to buy bread (while dancing) it gets frantic, almost URGENT, time passes, and the first day is a success, and they stay popular...

The next morning. A beautiful woman comes in she looks a little like Luanne. She asks what kinds of bread there are. With a smile he answers that there is DOUBLE SEEDED (i.e. 'Double Vision'), there is also, croissants, bagels, and... he drops a loaf of white unseeded on the ground DIRTY WHITE BREAD (i.e. 'Dirty White Boy') she laughs (for some reason) and agrees, she introduces herself as Luanne's sister (though we don't get a reprise of that song). He asks her out, and she agrees, with a saucy wink. He smiles, and bursts into HOT BREADED (i.e. 'Hot Blooded'), before we cut to black.

Next day, they are meeting, and getting along fine, and she picks JUKE BOX HERO, on the jukebox, as she sits on his lap, the two in the throes of love, he belts out I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A GIRL LIKE YOU at such intensity that her hair blows away. END.

Entire crowd of performers returns to stage and breaks into a medley, of all previous songs, which somehow doubles the length of the show. 

In conclusion, this would probably work better with videos, but I'm too lazy to do that for this madness. I have also missed out on adding 'BREAD BOX HERO' (Juke Box Hero) to the show. Also, this may seem like weak material, but there are literally hundreds of shows in the Edinburgh Festival worse than this. Hundreds.

P.S. And here is the logo that a work friend made (she's really pretty, so hasn't learnt to photshop):

*as an aside, I saw a woman once with 'SPICE' and 'GIRLS' tattooed on her knuckles. She had at least two kids.

Best N.B.A. Names

The following are good names of people who play in the N.B.A.. Often these names are amusing on their own, but are made a million times better by belonging to 7 foot tall black guys. For example, Olden Polynice looks like this:

...Despite having the name of a little old lady [source]

Other than him, there is:


Calbert Cheaney


Craig 'Speedy' Claxton


Clarence Weatherspoon


Iman Shumpert


Bo Outlaw


Carlos Boozer


Fennis Dembo


Uwe Blab 

Jrah Holiday


Yinka Dare


Lafayatte 'Fat' Lever


Mookie Blaylock - the original name for the band 'Pearl Jam'


Kermit Washington - who because of an on-court fight was remembered as 'Killer Kermit'


Pervis Ellison - who had the nickname of 'Never Nervous Pervis'

Ron Artest (who changed his name to Metta World Peace)

and my Favourite of all time, God Shammgod


Of these, I would most like to be named Clarence Weatherspoon, closely followed by Calbert Cheaney.

Sadly not real, [source]

5 Greatest Named People I've Ever Met

I've met a lot of people, the vast majority have been boring people with boring names. Others are boring but have awesome names, though that's usually the choice of their parents. An old girlfriend of mine's brother went to school with twins called Lancelot and Merlin. He was a younger brother, and this was ages ago, so they would be around 20 now. I really hope that they hate their parents because of it. The following five people are friends and acquaintances who have names which are interesting, but which I wouldn't want in place of my own name, Pascal. For the sake of closure, people I know who have cool names which I would happily have in place of my own include: Tesfaye Gebrahemadin, Ramachandran Padmanabhan, and Michael Quest.

5. Miaow Jones 
This girl I met in Australia. Being called 'Miaow' is a weird in itself, but this is made even weirder by the fact that her name rhymes with DOW Jones. She was from China originally, and took so many drugs that she looked double her age. She was thin, and wore see-through shirts, so that you could her weirdly elongated nipples at all times. I don't know how she didn't get arrested more. Also, she used to hit constantly on my then-girlfriend, trying to make out with her, and offering her drugs as regular people would offer chewing gum. She was as weird as her name was. One of those people I would be interested in finding out what she is doing now.

4. Cleverly Fong
A girl from Hong Kong who went to school in the U.K. when I was there. I don't think I ever spoke to her in my entire four year schooling, but it was Britain, so at least half of my year were so shy they were effectively mute. I like the juxtaposition of Cleverly and Fong. It's an interesting name, but made a million times more interesting when she started going out with Jack Clever (Pronounced Clee-ver). Had they married, she would have become Cleverly Clever. As nothing ever turns out well (at least for me), they broke up, and so she remains a respectable #4 on this list. 

3. Innocent Safari

A weird name on both counts, you can imagine people saying "cool name, bro" if he had either of those names. For example, being James Safari or Innocent Smith would still be cool names. As it was he had two great names. He was from Kenya, and didn't really talk much, but he seemed a nice guy (innocent, if you will). Probably the only really interesting thing about him was his name, which is interesting, how do you even have an innocent safari?

2. Murray Christmas

This guy was in school with me in New Zealand, and in a school filled with really weirdly named people, he was famous for having a weird name. Others to consider from that school: a 12 year old Maori called Moss Wainwright, a girl called Kirby, and a guy called Simian, complete with enormously long arms - it was a weird school. I never spoke to him, but could recognise him by the crowd of New Zealanders surrounding him to make fun of him. Now, he must have changed his name, or killed a whole bunch of people in revenge. I wouldn't be surprised if it was both. Still, poor bastard.

1. Dancin' Knightly

The weirdest name I've ever met in real life. I met him in a club in Edinburgh, he was of Indian origin (although he was Scottish), which makes me think that it that the " 'cin " bit of his name could be derived  from Singh. However, he showed me his driver's license, and swore blind that he hadn't changed his name by deed poll. He was a bit of a dick. For that, he goes to #1.

P.S. The inspiration for this is Norm Hiscock, a producer of the Excellent 'Parks and Recreation' (which is really worth checking out by the way) and whenever I read it I say his name out loud quickly. I'm also a fan of Cat Cubie, a pretty girl who reads the weather out on Scottish news.

Worst things in fashion right now

Hello!

Usually I can walk around town without wanting to kill people. But yesterday, a mix of hunger, slow-walking people who don't let you pass, and an endless parade of tossers, meant that I was imagining a giant satellite shooting beams down and killing masses of people (cool huh?). I tend not to follow fashion too closely, mainly because I'm too poor to dress like a fashion-savvy dickhead, and too clever to get sucked into it (or am I? - actually I suppose I am). Anyway, here are the 5 worst 'fashionable' things I saw yesterday on my tip through town. What pisses me off is a mixture of the fashion itself, and the fact that these people really think that they are the boss: it's unfounded arrogance. My advice: to keep egos down, don't fuck anyone with any of the following 5:

1. Ironic Beards:

By that I mean beards grown by people to look fashionable, and not in order to be funny. Although you have to monitor yourself constantly for hipster-beard, growing a full beard is often funny; as are novelty beards, for example:

Pretty funny, also pretty gross.

Instead I mean beards which: take a lot of effort to maintain; are done for fashion rather than amusement, and especially those with patterns. For whatever reason, people who grow these beards tend to be collossal dickheads. This pisses me off not because it takes effort, or because I'm jealous, but because you look like a bell-end, yet you are still swaggering around, ruining every bar you come into.

Yeah, I've still seen worse in upmarket Edinburgh bars.

This is a good example, but for the full effect, you'd need it to be a posh-guy in a sleeveless jacket. 

2. Leggings: 

Ok, leggings isn't good for anyone. If you're attractive and wear them, you're not doing us a favour by allowing us to look at your hot buns: you're admitting that you think you are attractive. This in itself is a huge turn-off. If you are of the enormo-persuasion, as seems to be the norm:..

I was amazed, and not in a good way, at how many pictures there were like this on a mere google search. The Internet is a terrifying place. [source]

If you have put on a couple of extra pounds, or if the guys from my basketball team find you alluring, then you're not doing anyone a favour by wearing leggings and nothing else. Only the rest of my team wants to see your cellulite-y ass waddling along (seriously, we had a match where the team girlfriends came along, it was like a collection of spinning tops cheering us on.)

However, this makes me dizzy. 

On a personal note with leggings: I will forever remember seeing a girl pushing her boyfriends car in the snow   in the dark -who says chivalry isn't dead? Another car came up behind her and the headlights turned her leggings see-through. You could see underwear and her tattoo, a devil on her ass cheek. I looked at the driver of that car, and we gave the 'not bad' look to each other. Similarly, I will never forget, even if I wanted to, a girl in a Jack Wills jacket and leggings, talking noisily on the phone, her pubic hair sprouting through her leggings like egg cress. Despite this, she still thought that she was the boss. Unbelievable.

3. Girls With One Shaven Side Of Head:

This really seems to have become the haircut of choice recently. A girl friend of mine had told me that this was because one of the Saturdays had the side of her head shaved. For those not in the know (I wasn't either), the Saturdays are a less talented, more chlamydia-ridden, British version of the Pussycat Dolls.) This rebellious act seems to have caused every 18-25 woman who lists their interest in 'fashion' and 'photography,' in an original move, to shave the side of their own head. This is bad enough, but my investigations online suggest that it comes from some Dubstep guy called Skrillex. For those of you not in the know, Dubstep is the music idiots listen to. I would have been happier not knowing these people existed.

For example, look at this. Everything about her screams 'try-hard!' and 'nightmare!' simultaneously [source]

And the only thing worse than this chicks hair, facial-pose, and glasses which she almost definitely doesn't need, is that nothing you can say will bring her down. [source]

Anyway, if you have that haircut, and are reading this, you don't look cool, or edgy, you look like a nightmare, and that's the reason why the only people who fuck you are people who hate you, and have...

4. Pants Way Down Low:

Subtly taken by a friend while doing shopping. It looks like he's shit himself.

I've heard that this has caught on from rap fashion, which was mirroring the fact that when you are in prison you had your belt taken from you so you couldn't strangle yourself. I've also heard that it was a sign that you were available as a sex-object in prison. As you can see in any town now, the belt is now used to keep the pants at that level, allowing everyone a view of your sweaty, cheap underwear. Anyway, if you are wearing it, it makes you look like you're hauling a nappy full of shit around. If you are wearing a belt, but you keep having to haul your belt up, then you're a dick.

I have also heard that this fashion has arrived from hip-hop, which would explain why it's mainly done by middle class white-boys. Call me crazy, but I don't think 2Pac would approve.

 What annoys me most is how universally this has been adopted. It's seriously everywhere. What makes it worse is how universally it will be forgotten in about a year or two: I've seen far too much sweaty man-crack for this to be ignored and then adopted by the next generation of idiots.

Although this might explain it.

From what I understand, this guy is for real. You can find it by typing in 'sagging master ' to google, although there are other results which are NSFW, and not safe for soul.

5. Bag on Elbow:

This refers to a particular look of a particular sort of girl, and which is nearly impossible to find a picture of. The girls I am thinking of, and who seem to be about 40% of Edinburgh's population, walk around in leggings, one arm filled with shopping bags, their purse, is held in the crook of their other arm. For some bizarre biological reason, their arms all point away from their body at the exact same angle. I didn't realise that I disliked this until I saw four girls yesterday wearing almost identical outfits, but with their arms at the identical level, it was a little frightening. (of course, there are no pictures of this, but this is something)...

[source]This isn't it at all, but I like how much effort she's gone to to obscure her face.

This is a little closer, but she's actually pretty, as opposed to the people I see, who merely think they are. Also she's not got three identically dressed mates in the same pose next to her.[source]

Unfortunately, it's impossible to find a picture of. I understand that you have to have a bag, and that bag is heavy, and that the crook of the elbow would be a good place for it, but I don't understand why you have to look exactly alike, and hold your arms in the same angle like a weird optical illusion. The pictures above don't really convey it, but I've decided I hate it. (N.B. it was difficult to find pictures for all of these, except for #2 - which was grotesque).


In conclusion: 
People who follow fashion do so for any of these three reasons:
1.) Because they are too stupid to develop a personality
2.) Because they want to look original
3.) Because they want to look the same as everyone else

and often an irreconcilable mix of these three reasons.

I know I sound like an old crank, but I really just hate fashionista tossers who should know better.

P.S. There are other fashion things which didn't make the list, but which are bubbling under. These include: guys wearing colourful jumpers with a single animal on it in an ironic way; goth fashion; check-shirt boys; and the now common neck tattoo. Weak.

Anyway, have a rockin' weekend.

Valentine's Day Asskisser (Massacre?)

Yeah, forget the title, today's treatise is about Valentine's day, particularly how it's celebrated in the United Kingdom. From the middle of January, there are adverts on TVs and papers, to buy stuff for Valentine's Day, right about now it is nearly universal, it is definitely unavoidable. However, it's getting earlier and earlier,  before the New Year, I saw an ad for a trip you can book which said 'Book now in time for Valentine's day.' It seems to have gotten more and more pervasive as the recession goes on. Most ads at least mention it, there are displays in most shops, and nearly every restaurant is now advertising a special Valentine's Day Special Meal (which is a set meal, a glass of champagne, and an extortionate price). The worst thing about this is that people, and by people I mean couples, really seem to have fallen for it, and I think that's sad.

For instance this happy, Stock-photo couple make me sick.

Valentine's day is supposed to be about single people, giving them a state-sanctioned excuse to pitch anonymous messages of woo to cheer themselves up. Instead, it is now is a day for couples to be overt in their affection. Idiot couples buy set meals in shitty restaurants not because of any feelings they have for each other, but because it's the done thing. They eat their meal, don't talk, and then go and have perfunctory, once-a-year sex when they get home. I really don't get it, don't just fuck on Valentine's day because some card company wants you to, do it all year round, love the one you're with.

Guys: don't buy a grown woman a teddy-bear holding a love heart, don't buy a dozen red balloons  for someone you barely talk to the rest of the year. Girls, don't go on about being spoiled, it's shameless at best, especially if you're neglected for the rest of the year. Most importantly, don't buy lingerie and use it once like it's been forced on you like the State (I read that Ann Summers does it's best business in the week running up to Valentine's day) Also, it smacks of a lack of originality, if you're going to get kinky, do it right!

This enforced affection between couples is bad for two reasons. First, special days which force you to be nice allow you to not be nice for the rest of the year. If your only romance in the year is n Valentine's day, you shouldn't be together. Similarly, you can't treat your mother like shit all year and then offset that with a mother's day breakfast in bed and a giving her a card at some Card Company's behest. Let's do better everyone.

Secondly, why should couples take over Valentine's day? They already get far too much attention: tax breaks, 2-for-1 deals, and have you ever tried to eat one of those Dine for £10 meals from Marks and Spencers on your own? It's difficult. Instead, let's put Valentine's Day back to what it was, a day for dorks and loners to get the glimpse of human kindness once a year.

Check out this loser, now that's better! [source] 

In conclusion: I know that this is the most Carrie Bradshaw-esque piece of nonsense I've written so far, please just nod your head and agree with the points I was making. On a positive note, if you do want to get your sweetheart flowers, you know the ads to the side will let you know how to get them, what a great system!

Things everyone says to an Australian in the UK.

Ok, you're a British person, living in Britain, and you have just met an Australian in a bar, club, at work, or wherever. These will be the seven things you will say:

1. Why did you come here? (a.k.a. Why did you leave Australia to come here?)
With the 'HERE' bit making it seem like I had voluntarily given up living in heaven to slum it up with some pale mere mortals. Yes, there is sunshine and beaches, but there is also Karl Rove, Tony Abbott  and Private School girls. Either way, it's not very welcoming, and it makes you seem like you're not proud or happy to live where you live.

2. Haven't you come a long way?
This one is more fun, but it's asked a lot, particularly of me. I suppose people don't imagine that I am able to make such a long trip myself, so am complimented on it. The tone also gives it away, the same happy question you would ask a cat 'Where have you been? Who's a clever boy?' or to a kid who has just received  a new toy. I think this reflects worse on me than on British people. Anyway, I don't mind that one.

3. I have a cousin in Perth  Adelaide / Darwin 
Often this is followed by 'do you know them?' I don't, and for the reason that Perth, Adelaide, and Darwin are where new migrants are forced to live for a few years before being allowed to move somewhere nicer (i.e. Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne). Still, I usually follow it with, 'you ever been there?' or if I don't like this particular person, tell them that those places are dumps filled with English and South African people (which is largely true).

4. I actually went to Australia on a gap year / holiday etc...
Usually posh people tell me that, and I can guess every single place they went to when in Sydney, and all the stops in between. Often that's due to their lack of originality, often it's because they swarm to the best places. However, there are bars which are constantly filled with English gap year students, drinking English ales and eating pork scratchings, even when it's 35C. Those places are to be avoided.

5. Cold enough for you?
In the United Kingdom, it's always cold; there might be 5 days a year where it gets above 25C, in Sydney, I saw a girl shivering in a coat, scarf, gloves and boots, it was 24C (incidentally she had on other clothes, and wasn't a flasher, unfortunately). I've lived here nearly five years now,  and still haven't gotten used to it. Although I am as pale as milk, I was in Australia too... so, yes, it is cold enough for me.

6. We beat you in the ashes / some rugby match etc
This is only put forward by drunk people, and it's fine, usually it's in a sport I don't care about (soccer, for example) but I never bring it up myself. Still, it happens, you don't need to be a dick about it on the rare occasions when England do win (also, to call that England Cricket team anything but mercenaries when there are at least 4 South Africans in it is something else). However, I can handle that, but what I don't understand is the use of the word 'We' - as in 'we beat you?' - no you didn't, the team you support did, you sat around eating pies and drinking ale.

7. Something about poisonous snakes:
This is less common, but most welcome; it's almost universally girls who ask, and typically (though not always) a sign that you're being hit on. From here you can use any number of smutty innuendos to counter it, "ever handled an Australian snake?" and other such witty gems. Anyway, British women is my answer to Point 1 usually, especially if you've ever talked to a typical Australian woman (although I am legally bound to admit there are exceptions).

8. Hey, I'm drinking Foster's!
Yeah, Fosters isn't drunk in Australia, and if it is, it isn't drunk for long. It's a British thing, so I'll forgive you.
Anyway, hope you've enjoyed that, there are others, but... hungover...

So You Want To Become A Politician?

I've cracked it. If I didn't swear, liked people, and didn't have a history of sleeping with people with boyfriends, I would be an MP by the time of the next election. For any of you without moral baggage (or at least moral baggage which you can hide from the public) here is the step-by-step walkthrough to enable you to best a political rival every time:

How To Survive Any Situation:
  Them: Seemingly easy question about policy (which may or may not be a trap)
  You: Talk around the subject for several minutes, without giving any definitive facts or statements. At all times, thank your party for the work which they are doing in this important area, no matter how unimportant the area is. Blather on until...
  Them: Interrupts, asking you to answer the question, or telling you to get to the point (particularly clever ones will use 'facts' and 'figures' to try to get you to spill the beans. Ignore them, instead saying...
  You: Say "Well, I was getting to that, if I could get a word in edgeways" - you have no intention of doing so, but this will make them look unreasonable, and an obstacle to progress. People will associate you with wisdom and benevolence.
(N.B. If they try to protest that they merely want an answer, you say, "wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, well I will get to that, if you'll let me...")

If That Doesn't Work: 
If a fact is brought up and the formula above doesn't work, then the solution is also simple. You merely blame the opposition for their work in hindering or enabling the current situation. This again has no reflection on who actually made policies and decisions. It is important to never admit fault. Instead, say, with a straight face, "unlike my opposition, I don't resort to bi-partisan bickering."

What To Do Next:
After that, go home, masturbate while wearing your mistresses clothes, but don't get caught (this also applies to auto-asphyxiating masturbating, we have had too many good MPs die wearing a gimp-mask, hanging themselves up from a buttress). After this, finalise work on cutting benefits to ordinary people, then talk to friends in big business and banking about tax breaks. Wage illegal war, and wonder why people don't trust politicians. Repeat formula for 20 years, gain important Cabinet position. Retire to either House of Lords, or to lucrative after-dinner speaking circuit, speaking alongside such charismatic luminaries as John Major.

The end.

(On a side note, politicians calling the electorate 'ordinary people' is one of my absolute hates. If we are 'ordinary people' it means that they view themselves as anything but 'ordinary people,' - it's incredibly patronising.)

TV Show ideas

TV in Britain is filled with gems, but with so many channels to choose from, it's getting harder and harder to find good stuff. Here are six ideas to improve the entertainment available to the British public.

Dancing In The Dark: As its name suggests, a cross between Dating in the Dark (where superficial, shallow people meet and try to date in the dark, before the lights come on and the good looking ones choose the other good looking ones), and Dancing on Ice / Dancing with the stars (where people dance and are judged). If you were to combine the two, you'd really have a show on your hands. Gasp! As we use infra-red to watch a couple bump into a table. Laugh! as we hear a chubby newscaster fall and squash the skinny Romanian dance partner he was assigned! Cheer! as it becomes a ratings hit. [Radio version also available].

Potential Screen Shot: Tell me that wouldn't be great TV.

Biggest loser (extreme version): An new twist on a classic idea (if it ain't broke, don't fix it!) - get the usual group of chubbers who inhabit the Biggest loser, give them a chance to lose weight, but if they don't, have them killed, rendered, and sold to Japanese whalers for them to do 'scientific' research on. Also, no sob-stories, if any of these fat people cry, they are killed instantly, this segment could be called 'if you blubber, you become blubber.'

Porno Island: Basically an extended version of 'Castaway', a show about posh kids chosen to be stranded on an island while they show off, gossip, argue and flirt. The only difference being, that instead of the night time breaks the show currently has, the cameras never stop rolling, so we get the pleasure of watching horrible 19 year old tosspots have full penetrative intercourse, and screeching, apologetic orgasms live on TV. Hearing a guy called Jake shout 'Crumbs' on climax should be enough to start a revolution to abolish the landed gentry. Also, tell me E4's ratings wouldn't go up when that was on. Sponsored by 'The Masturbator's Alliance'


Garden Wars: A BBQ in Reading has gone wrong, and two angry BBQ Dads wish violence on each other. After copious amounts of booze, they decide to settle their differences, not with words, but with weapons found in the shed. Who will get the hoe? Who will get the rake? Will there be a fly-mo drive by? Tune in next episode, there's no 'No trowel and error' here, it's a fight to the death, or at least loss of limbs. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh.

Davina loses money: The Million Pound Drop Live, hosted by Davina Mccall, is, for those not familiar, a gameshow where a couple (almost always comprised of two stupid people), answer a series of questions, to keep the million pounds they are given. They can hedge their bets, but any money put on the wrong answer is lost. If they have any money left after answering 7 (I think) questions correctly, they get to keep what is left. I think that someone has won £250,000, but I've only ever seen a couple win £50,000. Anyway, to make this more interesting, instead of Davina standing by the side, offering useless advice, and still getting paid, she should put up the money herself. There would be a genuine sense of puzzlement to her face, and joy on mine, as she lost another £800,000 to a stupid couple from Stevenage.

'Fearne Cotton and Terry Wogan 'R' Executed': An easy one to explain, Fearne and Terry host a show, but they are informed that whenever one of them makes a certain comment, they will be killed by trained marksmen. For example, Fearne is told not describe the latest marginally talented boy-band she is introducing as "wicked", or she is killed; Terry is told to keep a comment less than a minute long, and not mention either how handsome he is, or how much he loves JLS, or he dies. The show would last less than thirty seconds.

Chris Moyle's 15th TV show: Because 'Live with Chris Moyles,' The 'Chris Moyles Show,' 'The Villa,' Those episodes of 'Big Brother's Big Mouth,' 'The Chris Moyles Quiz Night' all failing is apparently not enough for producers to realise that he is fat and talentless, why not give him another show? [N.B. as I looked this up, I have discovered that his quiz show is now on it's fifth series, and he has been given a new show co-hosted with Stacey Solomon, a well known illiterate. The show is a dating show called the Love Machine - It is for reasons like this that prove that if there is a God, he has abandoned the planet earth].

Chinese Logic, German Logic. Two examples.

A conversation I had quoted as it occurred:
The first took place with a German guy, who was a dick, and I was trying to wind him up.
Me: "German, thankfully, isn't a world language"
Him: "What? It is a world language"
Me: "What, do they speak it in Samoa, that used to be a German colony didn't it?"
Him: "I don't know, but they speak it in Austria"
Me: "OK."
Him: "and in Switzerland... parts of it"
Me: "But, surely, that makes it a European language"
Him: "and Europe is part of the world, so it is a world language"
Me: "I'm off for a beer, want one?"

This is what I have come to learn as German Logic. However, it reminded me of a formal debate I once watched while at uni (the things we do to impress people huh?) - which was between the Chinese ambassador on one hand, and a Taiwanese and British Consulate on the other. The argument went as follows:

Taiwan guy: China has been pressuring us for our Chinese artifacts.
Britain guy: Same here.
China guy: You have over 90% of all chinese artifacts in the world, they are culturally important to us.
Taiwan guy: We only have that much because you destroyed them in the Cultural revolution.
Britain: Only because people fled with art and artifacts, and because of previous museum collections, do any survive at all now. We only have such a high proportion of them because you actively destroyed them. And why shoudl we give things back to you which we value and you have tried to destroy in the past.
China guy: That's irrelevant, you have 90% of our stuff.

I guess this can be called Chinese logic. This repeated for nearly an hour. It wasn't fun, especially as it took place in a heated room, filled with angry people in suits. Was there a point to that tale?
What was my point here? I'm not sure, but I suppose cultural understanding is important, no matter where you are, or how important you think you are.

Caution, Head may or may not contain brain.

Every so often you read a statistic like ‘more people are killed by paper cuts per year in America than by Sharks,’ or that the reason that there is a ‘caution: may contain nuts’ on the side of every packet of nuts was because some guy with a nut allergy ate a pack. Thinking that as it was labelled as 'almond', and not 'almond nut', he wasn't allergic. Incidentally, nut allergy is the wussiest of all the allergies. The resultant signs (e.g. 'Caution, Contains Wheat!') on walls, food packets, and public transport, are therefore placed to cover companies asses against being sued.

 "What kind of fucktards need these signs? Don't they have common sense?" you ask, while crackin' wise around good friends. You would ask questions like this around attractive friends, but they tend to be the type who break out in skat singing during a conversation on the Middle East because their “brain starts hurting if they think about things too much.” When I was in University accommodation, I had a sink, above the hot water tap was a sign which said ‘caution: very hot water coming out of the tap’ – despite the fact that the water was tepid at best, surely if you are literate, you should realise that a hot water tap should will contain hot water. What morons are these? And this is in a university, supposedly a place for the best and brightest to mingle- what is this place coming to?

 Then I thought about it a little, I have a scar just above my eyebrow from where I ran into a swing when I was a toddler. I argue that someone should have been looking after me, while secretly acknowledging that I should have known that there was a swing there, even though I was three. Also, years ago, I tried to cut a pizza with a pizza cutter, but the safety guard flew off and the blade chopped into my finger, leaving a deep gash which cut into the bone and through the fingernail. The whole ordeal left me confusedly looking at a fountain of blood pouring onto my homemade Hawaiian pizza. More recently, a faulty cup left me holding the handle of a cup while the actual bit that holds the tea (thankfully tepid) fell with great force onto my groin. It took me at least a minute to work out what had happened, and a lot more of putting ice on my genitals. 

While putting a packet of frozen peas on my testicles, I was reminded of the quote by the great Homer Simpson, asking ‘Why do things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?’ – would a sticker on the mug which said ‘caution: handle may fall off and scold you in the junk’ or a pizza wheel sticker which said ‘caution, safety bar may suck ass and you can spurt blood onto a Turkish carpet’ – almost definitely not, but at least now I’m aware that stupid things can happened to anyone, even me. The moral of the story: Shit happens. That's why adults don’t sue in tort; instead, adults accept that things happen and ice their balls.