Spring Mating Rituals

Hello all, and merry Festermas (religious festival I'm not sure exists).

Today, let's look at what I, Pascal, am looking for in a human woman mate. Realising my weaknesses, these won't be particularly difficult to overcome.

1. No religion, not even the pretense. Girls, and even 28 year old women, who say that they are Catholic despite having non-stop abortions are even worse than those fools saving their hymens for a wussy little freak on their premature wedding day

2. Never, no matter what the circumstances, spending more than 20 minutes getting ready to go anywhere.

3. Speaking too highly of their ex boyfriend. If you love him so much, you should have stayed with him. 
 
Other than that, all I am looking for is a female with no tattoos, over 5 foot 8, who is not a bitch. The final point has been problematic for me, although it must be noted that a lot of people have tattoos these days. You will notice that age, looks, mental health, personality, outlook and income are all ignored, or at best, hinted at. So be it. 

Yours in haste, Pascal,
p.s. I am aware that limiting my parameters is the very definition of a beggar being a chooser, very funny.

Shohei Imamura - A Pretentious Run-Down

When not telling everyone who hasn't started yet to watch Breaking Bad (which I should have done an 'in praise of' of, but couldn't be bothered)- I have watched a lot of Eureka's masters of cinema series, which I have admitted admiration for before. For whatever reason, they have a lot of movies by Shohei Imamura.  What do I like most about his movies? subtle, bizarre depictions of life, particularly Japanese life, and a respect for animals which is rarely matched by other auters. Here are the ones I've watched, with my patented, 'plot-in-a-sentence' feature which I am so revered for, and which I probably stole from someone anyway. Here they are in the order I saw 'em.

1. 11'9'01 September 11 [2002] - segment 'Japan'

Surrender: the coward's victory. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: In this inane 9/11 compilation, Imamura's sequence features a guy who is back from the Second World War, he thinks he is a snake.

Thoughts: Oh, god I hated this movie. A bunch of different directors from around the world each make an 9minute, 11 second movie about the 9/11 attacks. The best was the first, which followed an Afghani classroom for a bit, but most of the rest were either terrible, saccharine (watching a deaf couple arguing in New York should be enough to make you want to wipe out humanity), or a terrible combination of the two. Sean Penn's piece of shit was the worst of all though. Why did I even watch this? It was probably through school or something, but man, I hated it. Imamura's segment, only obliquely related to the horrors of 9/11 through... war, I guess, at least had the good grace to be interesting. Terrible when I saw it, and it can only have gotten worse as time goes on.

2. Ballad Of Narayama [1983]

Image from the movie. Cool. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: We follow the brutal, often violent lives of the members of a remote village, who must abide by strict laws to survive until they ascend to the top of Narayama hill when they turn 70.

Thoughts: A pretty straight-forward parable about how we treat the elderly, and an interesting depiction of a remote village struggling with starvation enough to impose bizarre laws. For example, everyone has to be taken away to starve at age 70, no matter how useful they are; only the first born gets to have kids, leading to a second born frustration being taken out on various objects. However, this is a beautifully shot, compelling piece of work. According to liner notes, the cast mainly lived as depicted, and the old lady actually had her four teeth removed so that she could portray a toothless woman after (in a very painful scene), wonderful use of animals too, particularly of snakes, which are depicted as the gods of the households and are vitally important. 

3. Profound desires of the Gods [1968]

'All aboard the symbolic-of-progress-at-the-expense-of-the-environment train!' [source]

Plot In One Sentence: On an Okinawan island, a modern day engineer is captivated by the beauty and laid-back lifestyle offered by the island.

Thoughts: I've already mentioned this before, here, and I stand by those sentiments. I'd also like to add how alluring the island itself looks, and though the movie is olverlong and dreamy, that still doesn't mean you'll be sad to leave. Also, more good footage of animals, sea snakes, octopuses and whatnot.

4. Pigs & Battleships [1961]

A pretty shite-y movie poster, but there aren't many others out there.[source]

Plot In One Sentence: A ratty, irritating wannabe-gangster refuses to commit to a nice girlfriend and focuses instead on his pig racket in a coastal Japanese town with a US naval base.

Thoughts: An interesting character piece set in the fallout of the Second World War, with yet another largely negative depiction of Koreans and particularly Americans. The pigs themselves serve an obvious analogous importance, as they are fed American leftovers and remain better nourished than the Japanese themselves. At the heart of the movie though, is the nice, attractive women in love with the immature idiot, showing Judd Attapow how it's done 50 years before he bored audiences to death. (seriously, Funny People makes me want to murder people, and anyone who thinks he is a comic genius while propelling seth Rogen to stardom deserves nothing but resentment.) Either way, more interesting and fast paced than I had hoped, and certainly moreso than I have made it seem so far.

5. Nishi Ginza Station [1958]

This looks like the cover of a parody album [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A wife pays a woman to spy on her husband as they go on a seemingly romantic adventure together, also there is singing.

Thoughts: This was a bonus feature on the DVD of 'The Insect Woman' which I still haven't gotten around to watching. This is a pretty slight piece, with some romance stereotypes, and is bookended by the singer of 'Nishi Ginza Station' - so it's essentially an extended music video. Weird, but with a very attractive female character, let's just I'd say that I'd certainly be tempted. Also interested is that now Nisha Ginza Station is home to the world's best sushi restaurant, which is something (n.b. I just looked that up and it's untrue). Either way, not essential.

6. The Eel [1997]

A vibrant, subtle and yet still suggestive movie poster. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: A man is re-released from prison after killing his wife and opens a barber shop, where he must deal with gangsters, care for his eel, and hide his past from a woman who falls in love with him.  

Thoughts: Weird, and pretty sexy, and a good turn from the near ubiquitous Koji Yakusho. It is largely set in a weird bit of Japan which looks totally unalluring. Character development is only hinted at, and even though I saw it last year, I had to look up the ending as I had forgotten it. The importance of the eel is only hinted at too, which makes it even more bizarre. Possibly worth a second look.

7. Vengeance Is Mine [1979]

Naked dead chicks, a smug looking dick in a tux, do I smell another bullingdon reunion? [source]

Plot In One Sentence: We follow a recreation of a famous con-man who murders and cheats his way through Japan, and also deal with his family, whose Catholic beliefs complicate things further.

Thoughts: A Pretty good serial killer movie, and a good look at the conflict of being a Christian in Japan. Based on a true story, it skimps a little when looking at his motiviations (although the title is from a Christian proverb, and suggests a religious motivation for it). but is a well shot and compelling story nonetheless. On a sidenote, his wife, attracted to her husbands father (don't ask) looks good throughout, particulalry in the spa scene, which may just be the pinnacle of how boobs should look. Worth seeing for that alone. 

So there you have it, there are others to see, such as 'Stolen Desires,' 'A Man Vanishes' and 'The Insect Woman,' but I guess we'll get round to that in time. Hope everyone had a good one,

Pascal.

Feature: book Review- Michael Bywater 'Big Babies'

Or, to give this feature its proper title: 'Impromptu Book Review, From Memory, Of A Book I've Not Read In Ages.' The book, 'Big Babies: Or Why Can't We Just Grow Up?' which was released in 2006.  I like this book, it's simple, it's well researched with amusing examples, and it's written in an engaging way. The core theme is the increasing 'infantilisation' of people, and of society, and what we can do to combat it.

Among the many problems discussed, in a wry and frustrated manner, are: an infantalising press, capable of lowering the lowest common denominator; a loss of individuality, particularly with the rise of media sources, and the increase in the number of CCTV cameras monitoring every movement, making a private life more or less impossible - for once that overused term 'Orwellian' seems appropriate to use. Other topics and examples include the increase of the blame culture, which, Bywater argues, increases overblown 'outrage' and 'offence' which encourages people to be unwilling to accept their responsibilities, indicative of a culture which is totally solipsistic and unpleasant. Examples given of a bag of peanuts which says 'warning: may contain nuts' and a similar look through the carriage of a train at the unbelievably numerous signs, suggest that he is right. We are safer, mollycoddled, and have largely lost our common sense at the hands of a shady grim-faced enforcers of the petty regulations that have been put in place ostensibly to protect us. 


The book is interesting, and although it's perhaps a little overlong, makes its points well. That's not to say that there aren't problems: some of the examples given are wrong, while other, more topical examples, have become irrelevant over time - not Bywater's fault, but it makes a contemporary reading less compelling. There is also a jarring confusion between 'agnostic' and 'atheist' which ruins an otherwise strong argument. Similarly irksome is the juxtaposition of mocking humans for their tendency towards nostalgia, and Bywater himself frequently referring to a brief, golden age between the late 1950s and the advent of modern day venereal diseases - something which is patently not true for all in the United Kingdom (where the book is written and aimed at).

However, the underlying motive of the book - to prevent ourselves from becoming one of the infantalised masses, is a valid one. The advice given: ask the question 'why;' think for yourself (a great idea, especially when one is reminded to be oneself at the request of another); to retain common sense; and most importantly, to go out of your way not to be a prick -  remains valid, and would, if kept to, make the world a better place to be.

Recommendation: Worth a read.

Admission

Hello everyone. I was going to write another 'In Praise Of', this time of Ween, but I feel I need to align myself against something which really annoys me. I don't think Bill Murray is funny, and I don't like him. There are a lot of people who are wearing shirts of him in sunglasses now, and I know that t-shirt wearing doesn't mean awareness of the subject (I always remember that Slipknot sold more t-shirts than albums during their, umm, creative peak). I don't get the attraction: he's annoyed, he says weird things, and he turns up at house parties and cleans up. That's fine. He's also been in a few good movies, Ghostbusters is ok (though it isn't the best movie ever, as some tearful cunts would have you think), Groundhog Day is fine too, and there are others I could probably think of if I had the time. However, this doesn't forgive the myriad choices he has made to star in the Garfield movies, Space Jam, Broken Flowers, or any number of other pretentious pieces of toss that he has been in. He may be a pretty cool guy, but he's not a hero. If you're reading this and wearing a Bill Murray shirt like most of the people you see in any rock club, then you, personally, can get fucked.

Yours in haste, Pascal. 

5 Albums I Bought Because Of Their Artwork

Hi there Pascal-o-teers, here are some albums I bought primarily because I like the album cover. Looking back on it, only one of these was bought without me hearing anything of the music, but that makes it a little less glamorous. Big Black, in case you're wondering. Also, all images are either scanned or found online.

5. Shihad - Shihad

Artwork - Something about the colour is  very nice, the pink and the blue work well. It's also got fish gasping for air, and a cool font. From what I remember, the booklet and back of the CD case keep a light blue nautical theme throughout. Solid.
Album - Fine, some catchy tunes like 'A Day Away,' 'La La Land' and 'Home Again' make this a better than average New Zealand rock album.

4. Cathedral - Forest Of Equilibrium

Artwork - Good. Some weird, medieval-style artwork, the whole thing is borderline blasphemous, and there is a lot of phallic imagery. A curious joy.
Album - Shame about the album. I had a couple of later Cathedral albums when I got this, so I knew what to expect. Except this album is crappy, and the others are better. Still, good album cover.

3. Big Black - Songs About Fucking

Artwork - bold, vibrant colours, suggestive artwork, and that title, all make it worthwhile to buy, sight unseen. (I'm generally too poor to have impulse purchases like that, but this was worth it).
Album - Pretty intense, and pretty funny. Pretty good. 

2. Butthole Surfers - Locust Abortion Technician

Artwork - I bought this in a second hand store, on a 12" LP with Japanese writing on the front. It's terrifying, as it is supposed to be. Weirdly hypnotising. Hypnotisingly creepy. Creepily Weird.
Album - Eh, The Butthole surfers are ok, I suppose, and I have a mate who saw them live and said she threw up there because it was so intense, but this album is only ok. I did however, have the song 'Human Canonball' as my alarm clock for about 6 months, so I know the first 30 seconds more than I do my own family. 

1. Ween - The Mollusck

Artwork - A nautical themed album (most of the songs are about ice or water, or are sea shanties) is given a weird, mutated crustaceous-type fish struggling on the front cover. A joy.
Album - The best album of all these listed, by some margin. I've made my love for Ween very clear in 'the real world' outside of this blog, and would like to echo those sentiments here. A great album from a great, challenging and life-affirming band.

There you go, I think I also bought a Wolfmother album, and probably a Sword one, because I liked the covers more than anything, but... that's enough for today. Happy Valentine's Day everyone. 

P.S. Songs about fucking? the butthole surfers? an album by ween? what an overgrown 13 year old virgin I am.

Mumford & Sons. Are you serious?

Hi everyone, sorry I've not written for a while, I have a bunch of articles pending, but my enthusiasm for the whole venture is declining when I see the searches that bring people to my website. For example,

3 people searching for 'Gif Zelda naked' = I've got some gifs to make.

Anyway, today I want to talk about Mumford & Sons. I'd heard of them, but recently they've become colossal. They won some Grammies the other night, which garnered some news attention, and some friends are big fans. Heterosexual males friends. I borrowed and listened to one album, thinking it would be folky, but not twee. I was half right. Was I impressed? No. Was I surprised that they are so wussy they have a crippling nut allergy? Not at all. Nut allergies are the wussiest of all allergies, and their music reflects that. Let's look at the band:

Seen here developing a pollen allergy. [source]

The music itself is bland, inoffensive twiddly-banjo folk-pop, both by and for, cardigan-wearing tossers who hate music. That's OK of itself, but I hate when a band like this becomes enormous and acceptable to like, because it will be ubiquitous for the foreseeable future. They are very much a male version of Adele, and that's something that makes me think that we should be doing better with ourselves.