Romero's '... Of The Dead' Movies Discussed

Some zombies, one in a toga [source]

 Beause of the weather, I've been on somewhat of a zombie movie binge recently. Particularly George A. Romero zombie movies. They're pretty archetypal for zombie movies: the zombies are slow, their origins only hinted at, and the focus is more on how the survivors deal with things, rather than the threat of the zombies themselves. They're perhaps not great art, although at least one is culturally significant, but they are great fun. The following '...of the dead movies' which I've seen are reviewed in chronological order. There are a couple of new ones that I a) can't be bothered tracking down, and b) have heard that they are terrible, so they remain unwatched and unloved for now. The plots are disparate, but seem to suggest that they take place in the same zombie infested world as time progresses. While the first movie shows the resistance against the zombies, the middle two show that the struggle is failing, while the fourth seems to have made an uneasy compromise between zombies and mankind. The Zombies are shown to be evolving through the series, posing a continual, increasingly intelligent threat to mankind. There are also political subtexts available to them all, but thankfully these are not necessarily at the expense of gore, fighting, and insane deaths. Simultaneously smart and stupid, they are immensely entertaining and enjoyable. Please note, this contains spoilers, so if you're a wuss who'll bitch about a list of which the newest movie is nearly a decade old, kindly punch yourself in your respective reproductive organs.

01. Night Of The Living Dead [1968]

There is far too much going on in this poster. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Throughout America, the dead are rising and attacking the living,- can a disparate group of people put their differences aside and survive in a barricaded, under-siege house? (Not a sentence)

What's The Underlying Political Theme? Racism and the contemporary Civil Rights Movement

Thoughts: A genuinely great movie, deemed "culturally, historically or aesthetically significant" by the  Library of Congress. It accurately shows the panic and finger-pointing that would likely arise in a similar, quickly spreading plague. Television and radio, when available, shows armed militia (largely rednecks) destroying zombies systematically as politicians and the press to deal with the situation. The mindless hive of a violent dead being taken on by a group of gun toting rednecks, aptly reflects the contemporary debate and prejudices of the Civil Rights Movements. Confused newsreaders and politicians draw a link between a passing meteorite that is making the dead rise again, but it's never clearly explained. This mystery as to 'why' the zombies exist is never answered definitively in any of movies in the series, and adds to the mystique.

Some of the gang tune in to look at a chair and listen to the radio. [source]

In this particular movie, the humans trapped in the house are largely unsympathetic. Most obviously, the cowardly father of the child, who locks himself and his family downstairs out of nothing more than self-interest. He also has an attractive wife and a zombie daughter. He is quick to anger, and seethes with a barely concealed racism at the hero of the movie, a handsome, resourceful black fellow. This ugly side of humanity is painfully evident throughout the series, and is a common contributor to disagreements and deaths. Similarly, the lead woman, in a state of shock, is beyond useless. However, the hero, and a couple of others, are intelligent enough to barricade the house, and make plans to either escape or survive. Together, they bicker and try to escape, and then survive, for the night, before a superb, poignant and politically charged ending. Brilliant on its own, and brilliant for spawning the modern zombie movie. 

Overall Zombie Rating: Not as gory as others on this list, but an excellent piece of film-making, tense, tight. It is simultaneously socially and politically conscious, and viable entertainment.The original, and possibly the best, modern zombie movie. Also, I covered this in a copyright law lecture, that it is freely available online legally, get it right now.

02. Dawn of the Dead[1978]

The source has this for sale at £199. Irony? [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Some survivors head to the local mall where they battle the zombies and a bike gang.

What's The Underlying Political Theme? Consumer Culture.

Thoughts: A solid, belated sequel to the first movie, which shows that as time has passed, both zombies and the human survivors are adapting to their new situations. We're shown police and military forces gradually losing the war against zombies, with crime, particularly armed crime, being an unnecessary drain on the rapidly diminishing forces. Meanwhile, tv and radio transmissions have all but ceased as emergency broadcasts take over. We follow a group who end up in a large mall, which is soon fortified. the dynamics of the four main characters: two policeman and a couple, are again shown to be the most important in their own survival. It's rare in a Romero movie that someone careful and thoughtful is killed, rather deaths arise because of rash decisions or out of anger. This is particularly true here.

This is on most posters for the movie, despite being a huge spoiler [source]

  The zombies are shown to have a residual memory of their lives, leading them to continue to swarm to the mall. We're told that this is because "it was an important part in their life". From a social standpoint, there are some noteworthy aspects here: the racism evident in the first movie is still evident here, particularly in a racially charged siege of an apartment block at the movies beginning. Furthermore, like the first movie, Romero chooses to have a big black guy as probably the most sympathetic person in the movie. The same is true, to a lesser extent, in all the other movies. Other than that, there is casual domestic abuse and misogyny, and a character telling of her pregnancy while chain-smoking. Most amusingly of all, scenes which show the characters rummaging through stores and trying on the latest fashions reveals some of the most unalluring clothes of all time. The ending is again largely negative, but it is humans rather than the zombies themselves, which are the real threat. It is, however, far too long, at well over two hours, which is just too long for a zombie movie largely set in one mall.  Personally, I think this one is a little overrated: good, but my least favourite of the four reviewed here.

Overall Zombie Rating: The movie is good, and shows a good development both of how mankind and how the zombies are moving on from the first movie. Surprisingly, the 2004 remake is also good.

03. Day Of The Dead [1985]

Evidence of the 'Every dollar we spend on posters is a dollar not spent on booze' movement. [source]

Plot In One Sentence: Army guys and scientists fight it out in an underground lair over how best to deal with zombies.
 What's The Underlying Political Theme? Unbridled aggression by the armed forces aggression, and scientific engineering.
Thoughts: This is slow, and stupid, but I have a huge soft spot for it. It's not the 'best' Romero zombie movie, but it's definitely my favourite. The boss of the military guys is absolutely awesome - he looks like an evil version of Jason Bateman, and his evilness is played with obvious relish. He has some great lines too, him screaming "I'm running this monkey farm now!" is something I say whenever I'm drunk and in charge of organising things, which is surprisingly frequent. There is also time for a debate on the religious and sociological significance of the zombie outbreak too, with a relaxed Jamaican helicopter driver and his drunken Irish pal. The impasse that the scientists and soldiers come to is a cynical reflection on the military-industrial complex, as well as, perhaps the fear America has of science, but the point isn't particularly laboured. There is also evidence of the increasing intelligence of some zombies, notably the character Bub, who seems to retain some memory of his life. The movie suggests that while humanity bickers and dies out, the zombies continue to rise.

This is Michael Bluth, and he's not happy. [source]

There are some good deaths, always important in a zombie movie. My two favourites are "choke on 'em!" and a soldier laughing himself to death, both of which need no explanation if you've seen it.  On a lighter note, the Mexican soldier, with the beard and the one arm, looks surprisingly like an old friend of mine, and we used to make him do the voice and tantrum thing he does throughout the movie. He's not nice to his girlfriend, and this is the third one to suggest domestic abuse so far, although this is more than hinted at here. I'm glad that the most recent one (below) stands up against violence against women. However much I like this movie though, it's not without its flaws. The army guys are perhaps too unpleasant and unsympathetic, and the escape at the end, through a tunnel, is both thrilling and stupid (they have very limited ammo, but literally unload clip after clip into one zombie's torso,). Almost unforgivably, the movie ends on an 'it was all a dream' note - luckily waking from that dream still involves a zombie filled nightmarish reality.

Overall Zombie Rating: A good mix of survival techniques, politics, humour and zombies. I have a huge soft spot for this, so I argue that it is recommended.

04. Land of The Dead

[source] the best poster yet, and it's still not great.

Plot In One Sentence: Dennis Hopper is a tyrant in a new walled city, doing his best to keep the regular people, and zombies, away from him and his self-appointed elite.

What Is The Underlying Theme? Increasing financial inequality.

Thoughts: This isn't bad, but it's not great either. It's pretty well shot, and the budget for it is probably ten times the budget for the other three combined. This, weirdly, makes it look a little cheaper, and less charming, than its predecessors. Humans have been reduced to scavenging for food in their forays beyond their heavily fortified walls, effectively allowing the rest of the world to zombie control. The real distinction is shown to be not between the humans and the zombies, but the suit-wearing elite, and everyone else. The zombies and the people at the bottom are both shown to be mindless, miserable, and with no chance to improve their lives. This is perhaps a rather heavy handed allusion to the follies of capitalism and inequality. The zombies are also shown to be evolving: from mindless instinct in the first movie, now they (and one in particular) is capable of rallying, outsmarting the people, and then seemingly going their own separate ways at the end. The whole thing is dragged down, however, by John Leguizamo, who is terrible, even by zombie movie standards, while Dennis Hopper adds a surprising amount of charisma to his evil plutocrat. The rest of the human characters are largely one dimensional, which is surprising. 
 

I have this to thank for me 'Hot zombie movie survivor' fetish  [source]

Overall Zombie Rating: interesting, and certainly not terrible, although the Samoan guy is obviously a Mexican.

In conclusion, these are largely well scripted, well plotted, with realistic behaviours in a hopefully unrealistic situation. There is gore and violence, but also a close look at the inherent nature of humans, and some other aspects of contemporary life. If anyone snobbishly dismisses Romero's zombie movies as puerile nonsense, bite them in the throat.

Wallabies Team to beat the Lions. Prediction and Analysis

I don't like the format or the followers of the Lions. the thing is too obviously kept in place because it makes money, not because it makes rugby sense. It disrupts the domestic season of whichever country it visits, and wouldn't be agreed to now if it wasn't so lucrative: that in itself is reason enough to not like it. Then you look to the fans: the worst of all the fans of the Home Nations. However, this Lions tour is good for two reasons: it will be close, but they will probably lose, adding to the schadenfreude I feel at their awful fans; and secondly, as I'll probably be in the United Kingdom at the time, it'll make upmarket bars so much better to be in for me, as the most aggressive fans will be out of the country. The Lions haven't won in the professional era, with the thrashing defeat to a good but not great All Blacks Side being the most humiliating for them, The following is a team that I would choose to defeat the Lions. Selected in brackets is my predicted team that Robbie Deans will pick for the first test.

Pascal's Team                            (Robbie Deans Predicted Team in Brackets)        

1. Benn Robinson                       (Benn Robinson)
2. Stephen Moore                      (Stephen Moore)
3. Ben Alexander                       (Sekope Kepu)
4. Sitaleki Timani                       (Rob Simmons)
5. James Horwill (Captain)         (James Horwill)
6. George Smith                         (Dave Dennis)
7. Michael Hooper                     (Michael Hooper)
8. Hugh McMeniman                 (Wyclif Palu)
9. Will Genia                              (Will Genia)
10. Matt Toomua                       (Quade Cooper)
11. Digby Ioane                         (Digby Ioane)
12. Ben Tapuai                          (Pat McCabe)
13. Adam Ashley-Cooper          (Adam Ashley-Cooper)
14. Joe Tomane                         (Nick Cummins)
15. Jesse Mogg                         (James O' Connor)


Reserves: 
16. Dan Palmer                       (Ben Alexander)
17. James Slipper                    (Liam Gill / George Smith)
18. Totafu Polota-Nau             (Totafu Polota-Nau)
19. Fotu Aulua                        (Israel Folau)
20. Liam Gill                           (Kane Douglas)
21. James O'Connor               (Nic White)
22. Christian Lealiifano            (Jesse Mogg)

Analysis:
Front Row
A historical and assumed weakness, all that the Wallaby front row will be asked is to hold parity. This can be achieved through the improved work of the three I've picked, and the three replacements I have on the bench. The three picked are solid and have worked previously as a unit, and have able replacements coming off the bench. There is the chance that Ben Alexander will be outscrummed if his technique is called upon, and so Dan Palmer could start in the second test. TPN should be introduced later on in the games as a huge, suicidal, impact-man-on-a-mission. Slipper can provide cover for either side of the scrum, and has solid defence, as does Palmer. Paddy Ryan and Scott Sio, are unlucky to miss out, but have a great future ahead of them. Further reinforcements might come from Salesi Ma'afu, who is impressing on the West Coast.

Second Row:
Horwill is there as captain, and adds much needed grunt and leadership. Sitaleki Timani adds monstrous bulk that none in the Northern Hemisphere can match - Ritchie Grey isn't as good at using his bulk. Meanwhile, Hugh McMeniman, whom I have chosen at #6, can deputise or move to the second row in case of injury: the typical replacements (Rob Simmons, Kane Douglas) - have failed to impress in the Green and Gold. Calderyn Neville and Hugh Pyle probably need more game time before they can get on.

Back Row:
Where there are numerous replacements (think Ben Mowen, Richard Brown, any of the Western Force guys, Dave Dennis, Quark, even Higginbotham) it's blessed, even with the injury to Pocock. Despite this, I'm going for: Smith, Gill, and MMM, who are all making themselves undroppable. While Wyclif Palu is a strong favourite too, my back ups here would be for Fotu Aulua, as a wrecking ball impact player, and Michael Hooper. What is more likely to happen is that Palu will be on the starters block, with Smith and Gill on the Bench as higginbotham takes the 6. Ben Mowen is unlucky to miss out, although the incumbent at #6 Dave Dennis, will probably be picked, despite having a lacklustre career in Green and gold so far, and a disappointing season for the Waratahs too.

Backline combination.
It's inevitable that Cooper apologises to Deans and plays. If this doesn't happen for the first test, it will for the second. Will Genia is probably the first picked for the Wallabies. I didn't choose a backup for Genia because of his importance: Australia will win if he's playing, and he'll only be off if he's injured. In that case, one of the other backs can take over for him (James O'Connor, probably). I've been reasonably impressed with Kyle Godwin of the force too.

Deans tends to choose his favourites, I've gone for form instead. If his real backline is like the one I predict above this will be great evidence. Israel Folau is a great athlete and could become a great player, but I think it's tough to make a debut in a Lions series. This is probably a season too early for the big man. The work of Toomua and Leilafiiano have been too good to ignore, though they probably will be ignored for a similar reason. I think that Lealiifano would be bettersuited as a bench impact player though, while Matt Toomua would be the better starting option. The possibility of Toomua and Genia working together is a great one, as he has better control, imagination and most importantly defence than the mercurial Cooper. I don't think that Quade cooper should play, but he probably will make a grand reunion with his estranged coach Deans, especially if the first test doesn't go well. James O'Connor comes off the bench for me, as he can cover most spots on the backline, important for a 5 - 2 forward split like I've gone for. Alfi Mafi comes close to being a match day winger,  after a solid year. Outside of  9 and 10, there are a myriad of options for the Wallabies.

Give credit to Deans, he's had some terrible losses (France, Samoa, Scotland x 2), and he picks his favourites regardless of form or logic, but the fact that two solid teams could be picked is testament to the work he's done.

In conclusion, I can guarantee that there is not a single friend of mine who is interested in this, and that's why it is making it to the internet. I've picked a pretty good team, although I'm sure Deans will stick with some of his favourites, it'll be a good series, and I'll be able to enjoy going to bars in British cities because most of the worst tossers will be over there instead. I'm looking forward to it.

Update: (19th April 2013) - After today's match I watched, Israel Folau should at very least be in the extended group of 30. If he'd played Union instead of AFL last year, he may well be the first back picked after Genia. A monstrous athlete.

N.B. spelling needs to be checked, particularly of names, do this later!

Parks and Recreation - What SHOULD Happen and What WILL happen

Hi everyone! I'm trying to be more enthusiastic in my writing of this! but it's not worked. Today, some predictions about what will happen to one of my favourite shows, parks and recreation, which I have discussed previously. It's finally on British TV, and friends have grown bored of me telling them to watch it, though I have recruited a few family members to join me. I have genuine affection for this show, and seasons, two, three (in particular), and four have been up there with the best TV there is, funny, clever, largely pleasant, and with some of the finest characters to be developed, I feel that I can comment on the fifth season, which, has been worse than it has for a while. Here are some ideas of what the future holds for Parks:

What Should happen:

1. It should end at the end of season 5, and leave a pleasant taste in everyone's mouth. Season 4 and 5 haven't reached the levels of series 2 or 3 often, but they have done it enough for fans to have a huge fondness for the show and not tarnish the reputation. A fitting end could be, perhaps a marriage of Ron And Diane, or the grand opening of the park.

2. Jerry is a great character, and played with great, chubby relish by Jim O'Heir, but he needs to have his finances sorted to really enjoy his retirement with. I think a fortunate financial win for him would be great, as would having him turn into a real asshole when put into a position of authority.

3. After all the references and mentions, to have Leslie finally meet Oprah. This would be a fun payoff to a show not afraid to throw celebrities-playing-themselves in (NBA basketballers, Newt Gingrich, Joe Biden and John McCain have all made cameos at times). What would also be good would be for Leslie to be disappointed, because she already has a strangely alluring giant black woman in her life: Donna, who has been immense as a character and a human being in the fifth season. She's on fire.

4. The whole Councilman Jamm thing to resolve itself (possibly by a trial to him for corruption); he's been the shows first real 'villain' and at times seems incongruously bad. For him to have a final victory would be atypical of the show, and would also make season five make little sense. He needs to be neutralised as a threat.

5. The whole Ann and Chris having a baby together subplot to be dealt with quietly, but positively. It's nice and all, although Ann's decision was only sudden, but it's a little boring. This, coupled with Tom and Ann dating, has been the most obvious signs of the writers running out of ideas, alongside Ron having to change his fundamental being because of the new family in his life, which only partly works. 

6. Similarly, Ben's charity thing, and Tom's rent-a-clothing thing to be resolved too. It'd be nice if they were shown to be successful, but both of these plotlines have been slow, even when you bring in Dennis Feinstein. to be resolved quietly, the same could be said for Tom's rent-a-clothes thing.

With that, and hint at Leslie keeping her Council seat, happiness for April and Andy, and perhaps a quick cameo from Mark Brandanowitz, would resolve everything nicely, and make for a great finale, and a solid end to a great show which didn't outstay its welcome.

What Will Happen:

1. Another season, particularly as NBCs ratings are down, and money is to be made.

2. Peripheral characters being overused, and ruining their charm. Jean-Ralphio and Donna seem the most likely, although there are any number of others who could be overused.

3. Characters only hinted at coming to the fore. We've met Ben's sister now, but he still has a brother to meet. We've seen Andy's five brothers at his wedding, but let's hear from them all!

4.Councilman Jamm to continue to plague Leslie with politics, leading her to become more and more frustrated with the reality of politics.

5. Lengthy lessons on business and charity law by Ben and Tom

6. The once mighty Ron Swanson to become a caricature, ruining his reputation forever.

7. Increasing use of April, who is slowly becoming the new Leslie Knope, instead of the sulky, sullen maniac she should be.

Either way, if there's a 6th season, there's good reason to believe that it won't be as good.

That's that, I still love the show, but it's the things you love most that you need to critique the hardest. This is just briefly done, I'll consider whether or not to add pictures tonight, but it's up here now. Also, my four predictions for Breaking Bad: - Hank has to Die; Skyler and Jesse team up to kill Walter; Walter jr is killed;
Badger becomes a drug baron (which would be brilliant). Anyway, enough talking, let's rock!
Have a great week everyone

Soccer: A boring nuke to better Australian sports.

Hello all, just a quick one today, you lucky things. Soccer. I've mentioned it before. It's one of the worst things, other than the weather, about living in the United Kingdom. It's all everyone talks about, and it's incredibly boring. It's also made a number of people with no talents other than the ability to  chase a ball around richer than anyone should be. Wayne Rooney is on £250,000 a week, every week, and he'd be in jail if he wasn't a soccer player. Instead he's a role model of sorts. This isn't right. My main problem now is that whoever is in charge of making soccer ubiquitous is seemingly doing the right thing. this is especially true of Australia. The national team is famous, and the domestic league is thriving, there's talk of expansion. It's also commonly said (though I couldn't find a source to verify it) that soccer is the most commonly played team sport in Australia. this isn't good, for any number of reasons. first of all, soccer is, as has been said before, largely boring. For every 4-4 thriller there are several thousand 0-0 draws. For that reason it's not fun to play or to watch. Secondly, it's a game for wusses: the game stops for injuries, or even feigned injuries, and the incentive to lie on the ground, pretending to be injured is high. It's not manly, or womanly, to lie on the ground asking for a penalty, badgering the referee. It's awful.

Secondly, the chances of success are low. Australia's chances of winning the world cup are practically zero, because it is so many countries favourite sport, and other countries have a better system to develop talent. this leads on to the other point, that talented youngsters will be diverted into soccer rather than the two rugby codes, basketball, swimming or AFL. Australia doesn't have the population to support that, and other sports will suffer as a result. One could argue that this has already happened, with Australia's poor showing in the 2012 Olympics being evident. Michael Clark, Australia's cricket captain, was touted as a soccer player first, before turning to cricket. Would he be playing cricket if he was born a decade later? Is an internationally average Socceroo team worth diluting the talent for the kangaroos, wallabies, boomers, opals or Olympic team? Absolutely not.

Worst of all though, is the increasing gap between the player and the fans that the huge amounts of money makes. Any sport which makes people like Harry Kewell, who despite achieving nothing as players in terms of trophies, can retire with more money than they know what to do with. If you think Kurtley Beale is bad now, as a relatively wealthy man, think how bad he would be retired from everything at 28, with more money than he could possibly spend.

I hope, against all hope, that soccer will price itself out of interest in the next few years.

Pascal. 

Generic thatcher Post

Yes thatcher's finally emited her last ear-piercing scream and dissolved into dust, we know. I write this not as a eulogy or chance to slag her off. I'm not a fan of her politics, her party, or of her in general. Now that she's dead,  I hate the fact that a bunch of crusty old should-be anachronistic racist homophobes, who should be hated, are now dragged onto the tv to gush about her as best they can. I also thought it was disgraceful that in the last few years of her life, the Conservative party saw fit to wheel Thatcher out to events despite being the human equivalent of silly putty. On the whole though, despite not being around then, I can't sympathise with someone who has had lasting negative effects on Britain. As far as I'm concerned, she can rot. Instead, the larger part of my piece will go to the 'facebook' tributes, which I had  the good fortune to view today, and all of which were helpfully bundled together by an unwanted Facebook feature.

First up, people commented through jokes, relief, or through comments in favour of her*. These were then followed by self-righteous comments about people making light of the situation 'there is a family in mourning,' that kind of thing. What followed then was smug comments such as, and I quote "Don't really get all the posts deploring Thatcher by people who weren't even born when she was in office - "I don't follow politics but I know a bandwagon when I see one" - as though one has to have been there to judge; as though political interest depends on your chronology. A few people have put this link up from wannabe Onion website the Daily Mash. It's not satire if there isn't truth to it; it's not satire if it's only to assage a Young Conservatives mind. This self-righteous moralising is worse than people who out and out respect a woman who disenfranchised a generation, advanced the breakup of  Britain as an industrial nation, and followed a 'greed is good' mantra which still has an enormous knock-on effect today. saying that people don't understand because they weren't around is untrue, an insult, and is mostly spread by people who continuously mention Churchill in conversation. Fuck 'em, and fuck anyone who tries to make you feel guilty for how you want to feel.  

In conclusion. People are the worst, and Thatcher was a shitty person. 

No comment [source]

With good friend Pinochet  [source]

OK, that's enough of that, I've got some funny stuff coming up, luckily if there aren't pictures, I don't have to worry about readers, so up yours.

Have a great one everyone

Pascal 

*now ex-friends, I'd had this day set aside as a 'friend pruning opportunity' for a long time, in fact when I last saw Thatcher on the news looking like she'd lost all her bones three or four years ago.  

Trouble At Fast Castle

No, not my idea for a murder mystery play, but something more prosaic. I have been to Fast Castle a few times, it's on a nice bit of coast, the walk is remote yet pleasant; it has really nice views, and there are seals nearby. I have sea-kayaked to it a few times too. However, while there last weekend, I noticed that one of the remaining stacks had collapsed. That's all I'm saying, just thought it was interesting. Compare this, from a website:

[source]

to this, from my own collection:

Perhaps not the best replica photo, but you can definitely see that the stack on the right has collapsed. I'm not sure it was weather or just disrepair, but I think it would have been cool to see.

anyway, have a great weekend everyone.

George Osbourne: A Turd Of A Man.

Just a brief rant today, after reading that George Osbourne has questioned the benefits 'lifestyle' of the guy Mick Philpott, which can be read here. It's a bizarre story, and a tragic one: Philpotts, by all accounts a complete asshole, had 17 kids by two abused and terrified women. He has just been sentence after he killed 6 of his children in a fire in protest to the mother of the other 11 leaving. Of course, they were all on benefits to the tune of, I think £60,000 a year. It's an unusual case, and almost definitely not the norm. He is an exception to the rule of the benefits system helping people who need it, the normal family on benefits doesn't go on trashy TV shows like Jeremy Kyle, as the Philpotts brood did.

 Either way, Philpotts has been sentenced to 15 years in prison for killing his kids, which works out at 2.5 years a child, itself a disgrace, but that's not the point here. Gideon, 'George' Osbourne has weighed into the piece, despite his insistence that he wouldn't name individuals, and says that the benefits lifestyle should be questioned. He is using the deaths of six innocent children as an excuse to reiterate his continued attack on the defenceless. He is doing this on the same day that the source of Trillions of untaxed pounds in British companies are exposed (read about this here). Call it a hunch, but he will do nothing to gain this taxable income back and continue create to dismantle the welfare state, creating a new untermesch in Britain. He is a despicable, clueless little man, whose life of unbridled privilege will never let him see the effects his decisions have made: the lives he has ruined, or the thousands of children he has needlessly put into poverty. He is, in other words, the perfect example of what a politician should not be. Instead he is the chancellor of the Exchequeur. He is, and I don't use this term lightly, an evil cunt.

Two Great Websites, And One Awful One.

Hello all, today's topics, some websites.

I hate, the comments underneath web pages, particularly for news articles('A plane crash? Love it!') Not only because hehy are the comments either trite, inane, or resort into mindless namecalling. It is almost guaranteed that before five posts are done it will have resorted to a political, social or religious debate in which no one changes their mind but still hate each other at the end. Also, it tends to confuse they're, there and their almost universally, which is annoying, but I am aware that's a risky one for someone who long ago stopped proof-reading these posts. However, my two favourite places to go to watch people fight over the most inane things are:

1. celebheights.com - which speculates on celebrity heights.
The best thing about it though, is the trenchant warfare over the half inches. One I read, was 'you idiot, he's CLEARLY 6'1 1/2, not 6'1 - you idiot!' or something like that. Who really cares about how tall The Rock is enough to post a sign on it anyway? For that reason, it's a joy.

2. songmeanings.com - which allows people to wonder what song lyrics mean.
this is largely because I feel that what other people think a song means is irrelevant, it's what you make of it  yourslf that should be important. This gains a good website approval not only for the intractable hatreds unleashed in the comments section (someone called it 'the bottom half of the internet') but for the fact that it is pretty useful for collecting lyrics.

My least favourite website for the time being, and for the forseeable future, is thechive.com, a creepy website consisting of 'various galleries of either:

a) 'weird stuff'
b) 'pictures of animals'
c) 'facts' particularly about chuck norris
d) 'chicks in various state of undress' (often proclaiming to be girlfriends of users)
e) people smugly telling you to chive on
f) showing sympathy for people who write in who have bizarre illnesses.

This last one is the most sinister, I know that if I had cancer I'd want a bunch of frat-boys showing me sympathy. I'm not against girls sending in pictures of their asses and whatnot, and it's certianly not the only site that does that, but taken together it's utterly bizarre - can you imagine wondering around with a notebook which contained animal pictures, sexy lady pictures, stupid quotes and cancer pictures? It'd be enough to get you arrested. 

No, what really annoys me about the Chive is the smug self-satisfaction of its users, or chivers. Wearing stupid shirts (they're everywhere in London). The fact that they spend half the time congratulating themselves for their benevolence is offputting to say the least. Fuck 'em, and if another stranger tells me to KCCO, I will probably throttle them to death.

Hope everyone's crackin'

What's it to Yewtree? Time to Speculate Wildly

I was out out of the UK when the whole Jimmy Saville thing went global. I was also lucky enough to never have seen Saville on TV during his life (though I had heard about him, and heard impressions). I don't think anyone was surprised by anything but the scale of his sexual escapades. He was after all, blessed by the pope, and good friends with Margaret Thatcher. Now, someone - almost definitely Rolf Harris - has been arrested under Operation Yewtree, along with others. It's not over yet though, so here are some that I wouldn't be surprised - at all - if they were arrested. Putting on my lawyers hat, this is nothing more than a hunch, and is based only on wild, idle speculation.

Terry Wogan

Certainly bulging with home-spun charm [source]

There's a lot I don't like about Wogan. The fact that he goes in and out of sentences like someone talking on a merry-go-round; his chummy sense of entitlement and cosiness with the bland establishment. The utter dreariness of his voice, and his enormous fortune. Let's just say that I would be surprised if he was arrested, but I wouldn't be unhappy (except for the victims).
Verdict: Dull and irritating, but probably not a sex criminal. 

Gary Lineker

Potato-peddling orange charisma vaccuum Gary Linker [source]

I don't like soccer (I might have mentioned this before), and I think he's creepy. The words 'smug tosser' may as well be crimped onto his forehead like poorly made potato chips. He went down in my estimation when he dumped his wife and married a scrawny, neotonous creature twenty years his junior.
Verdict: Perhaps not a paedophile, but infinitely creepy.

Bruce Forsyth

Say "So much better than last week," repeat for 153 years. [source]

 Speaking of creepy, this shrivelled-up old prick is still on tv, dancing around like an Alzheimer's sufferer. He is of the right vintage and creepiness to be a child-molester. I didn't think it was possible, but when they're on TV together, he makes Tess Daley look like a human being instead of the dead-eyed sub-moron that she is.
Verdict: In the cold light of day, he would have been the first arrested under Yewtree if they had the slightest bit of evidence about him. He does seem like a cock though.

Noel Edmunds   

Edmunds holds up his favourite silver anal beads to the camera. [source]

An awful person, the fact that he's made a living in broadcasting, not once, but TWICE is testament to the folly of mankind. Not only does he host the worlds worst gameshow, but he was given that show where he got to spout his idiotic views to a nation of idiots: Noels HQ. I never saw him with Mr. Blobby on TV, as Australia has its own creepy kids presenters.
Verdict: Almost definitely a sex pest. Certainly believes in earth spirits, whatever the hell they are.

Looking around, his arrest has already happened.

click for source

Paul Merton

Add caption [source]

There's something about British people that blinds them to Paul Merton. Now on season 653 of a largely chummy, supposedly hard-hitting topical panel-show, Paul Merton is deferred to as 'so quick' and 'britain's greatest wit' - failing to notice that saying something - Anything! - before anyone else isn't witty if what he is saying isn't funny or relevant. It's just stupid. He also seems like a tosser of some regard, particularly on housewives favourite, Just a Minute. This ear sandpaper, is hosted by Nicholas Parsons, who would be on this list if I had the moral strength to look up pictures of him. Back to Meton, he, like Forsyth, left a marriage without telling the partner, which isn't a cool thing to do, and may or may not be cause for concern about their sexual pestivitiy.
 Verdict: Not as funny as he thinks he is. Probably a creeper, but probably not a paedophile.

Vanessa Feltz

"Kermie!"... Oh, wrong picture. [source]

For the sake of equality, I'll add a woman. For no real reason I'll add Vanessa Feltz, the terribly earnest, terribly boring woman who has somehow been given new broadcasting contracts despite an absence of talent, musical taste, or any redeeming qualities. She is possibly the biggest exponant of 'emphasising the word she is saying by using three similar words, terms, expressions. (the preceding was an example, but it's something I notice every time she opens her mouth for a self-important rant.)
Verdict: Despite there being no proof, or evidence, she killed twenty people one day.

In conclusion,
I hope that this passes the legal tests, I'm not saying that these guys are paedophiles or sex offenders, I'm just saying that I won't be surprised if / when they do get arrested.

P.S. I forgot Clarkson too.