Saturday, 31 December 2011

Gere or far? The Five Fingers of Death

It's Christmas, and that means one thing, drinking too much and watching movies with your family (also, incidentally, being dumped by your girlfriend of five years for no specific reason, but such is life). This idea came to me when I was watching 'Shall We Dance' - an atrocious movie about some stereotypes dancing their way through a mid-life crisis or career problems. It stars Richard Gere and Jeniffer Lopez. I thought of other movies I'd rather be watching, and thought that even 'Shall We Dance' is itself a remake of a pretty poor Japanese Dancing movie. The lead guy in that, Yoji Yakusho, is a favourite actor of mine, and I've seen any number of movies with him in it. The whole thing proves that no matter what you watch, you're never far from a Richard Gere remake. 


They got this:
Hefty buttocks? Forbidden lust expressed through dancing? This movie has everything! [source]

From this :
Well, not quite everything. [source]





This gave me an idea: I had just recently been to see the following movie, which stars our good friend Yakujo. The following movies have a logic threading through them that show that you're never far from a Richard Gere movie. First up is: 

à 13 Assassins (2011) 
Here he is again, though performing a different type of weapon display [source]
I went to see this with some basketball friends: three other guys and their three lovely girlfriends. It features a girl who has had her limbs and tongue hacked out. The final 45 minutes, is a sustained, well-choreographed massacre of the small army protecting the bad guy, possibly the evilest person committed to celluloid. I’ve heard that there is an alternative ending where the bad guy gets away, and in effect ushers in a new era of warfare, but I’m yet to see it. The three girls I saw this with loved it, while my gigantic male friends hated it. Oh well. Anyway, the leader of the good guys, was the star of 'Shall We Dance?' which was remade as a Richard Gere movie, and who manages to bring a quiet dignity and honour to the (many) movies he is in, such as Tokyo Sonata, Cure, Tompopo, and a small part in...


à Pulse (2001) 
If you've seen the movie, you'll still have nightmares of this image [source]

– I came home from work late one night, and found the tv flickering, the lights off, no one else home. It would have been about 3am. This movie was playing, and I watched it, terrified. Since watching it again, I can safely say that from the beginning to when the woman flings herself off that cement mill, might be the most unsettling 40 minutes of my life. For a full week, I was terrified of a person coming out of the shadows like that woman in the secret room. I was at least 23 when this happened. Anyway, the college guy who gives advice to the 'Bahamas' character, while they both are in the University library, encouraging him to chase that spirit, is the eldest, violent son in the all singing, all dancing,…


à Happiness of the Katakuris (2001) 
That's him dancing jauntily on the left. [source]


This movie is a personal favourite of mine. A movie which it is impossible to get bored in; impossible to describe, utterly insane and irrational, and excellent for it. The opening scene, in clay, is enough to set you on your way for life. There is horror, comedy, musical numbers, and a volcano. The father of the family, a doughy sixty-something, distracted me the whole time I watched it, where had I seen him before, where? A quick search to wikipedia said it was, Kenji Sawada, the main, handsome, young bloke from...

à The Man Who Stole The Sun (1979) 
Definitely no further comment needed [source]  



I love this movie, I can’t get enough of it, every time I see Torness power station in Scotland, I think of the scene where he steals the uranium, which might be one of my favourites in counter-cultural cinema. The car chase might seem a little tacked on, but the rest of it: the poisoning of the pool, the general malaise that he feels before and after creating the bomb, the match up between him and the policeman, the music, the brilliant ending, make it a great exhibition of modern(ish) angst, and a movie which I would recommend to anyone. Anyway, the handsome, square-headed detective, who exudes a charisma and authority, even when declaring his most nefarious plans, is in…

à Spirited Away (2001)
Cool movie, go check it out [source]
...as the guy who works in the basement, kamaji, and that’s just swell.

So that's that feature done, other movies which could be linked: the guy who holds up the bus on the 'man who stole the sun' was in 'Sanjuro,' 'High and Low' and at least one of the 'Lone Wolf and Cub' movies; the girl from Pulse was also in the 'Last Samurai', so I could have moved onto either Tom Cruise or Billy Connolly - just be glad that I didn’t. Also, the bloke from 'Pulse' and '13 Assassins' was in 'Babel,' that awful, pretentious movie with Brad Pitt and Kate Blanchett.

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed this list of five movies I like, and have enjoyed this whole year, it's been a mixed bag for me!
Happy new year!

P.S. Yes, too many things on Japanese films. Sue me.
P.P.S. The non-Japanese sequel to this piece can be found [here]

Sunday, 25 December 2011

Edinburgh Festival: 2011 - Review

   I had a show during the Edinburgh Fringe Festival It went awfully, but it left me most of the day to check out shows with family, friends, and my ever-lovin' girlfriend. I've been to the show for the past three or four years before that, but I felt that this year was the best for me. In previous years I had seen a lot of stand-up comedy, and had grown increasingly bored with it, especially when you consider that I had seen Jack Whitehall and Shappi Korshappi on a supposed 'Superstar Bill.' This year I saw plays, comedy acts and even a book reading instead, and the whole experience was much more fun. You also meet a lot of celebrities, including Paul Daniels, David O'Docherty, and The Swedish Wallender (not Kenneth Branagh) as well as the usual attention seeking tossers who walk around hoping to get recognised (Hardeep Singh Kholi, Daniel Sloss, Ed Byrne, Micky Flannigan). The following are mild reviews of all shows, in order, from first seen to the last (not for any reason other than OCD).

P.S. I am aware that I saw these shows in August, but better late than never huh?

 REVIEWS: 

Show 1: Tom Binns as Ian D. Montford – Spirit Comedium 
source
Where, When and how Much? Pleasance Courtyard: ABOVE - (12th August 18:15 £11)


Review: Tom Binns as Ian D. Montford makes light of the previously impossible to mock world of psychics through this show. At the beginning, while everyone was queuing, we were asked to write down a dead celebrity on a piece of paper, which was placed in a box at the beginning of the show. Throughout the show, with the help of a deliberately surly assistant, Montford interacted with the audience, with success, and dispatching witty rejoinders and jokes throughout. Self admitted cold-reading techniques were applied, with amazing effect. A girl in our party had her town and celebrity told to her, and she genuinely wasn’t on the cheat. A bit, where everyone’s watch was placed in a bag and given funny advice was also amusing; although not enough to really sustain an hour on its own.    

Highlights: A lot of the jokes were funny, such as the advice to someone being haunted by a midget poltergeist to hide things out of its reach. The self-admitted cold-reading was also impressive. The finale, a multi-sectioned, extended piece where one of the audiences name, place of origin and birthday, were presented, written in a book which he had himself chosen at random, was genuinely impressive, although the dour Scottish accent that the bloke talked in took some of the amazement out of it. The quote, delivered in Scottish monotone, of “it says here, june 6th. [unimpressed pause] Which is actually my birthday,” without smiling. Suggests that an aspect of cold reading which Binns hasn’t mastered yet is choosing the right rube.

Will it be back next year? Possibly, from what I understand it’s been around a while and he, Binns, brings out new characters all the time.
Value for Money? A little expensive, but that’s the Pleasance for ya!
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? My Mate Glenn, and his brother.


Patented Star Rating: **1/2
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Show 2: Oedipus by Steven Berkoff (After Sophocles) 
It was surprisingly difficult to find a picture without Berkoff... E-go![source]
Where, When and how Much? Pleasance Court (13 August 13:20 £15.50 – c)

Review:  The play 'Oedipus Rex' performed around a giant table. A strong performance from a well-dressed Oedipus, and great performances from his less well-attired courtiers. Between speeches and paragraphs, a drum would play, and the chorus would very quickly move positions and facial expressions to match the material. It was done very impressively. The part of Creon was supposed to be played by Steven Berkoff, but he was apparently ill, and so he was played by an perfectly adequate replacement. Despite this I did see people walk out when we were informed that Berkoff wasn't performing. The chorus were excellent, and various individuals from it played the other characters in the play. The most memorable was the deep-voiced guy playing Teiresias, although all of the rest were good. A Solid performance, and an interesting one, although I thought it interesting that Berkoff didn’t change the material to make Oedipus realise what he had done earlier, as the Sophocles version gives at least three clues too many (in this performance, he doesn’t realise what he’s done until well after Jocasta has killed herself.)

Highlights: Jocasta was played by Anita Dobson who was very impressive in her limited scenes. I also bumped into her at least twice around Edinburgh. Oedipus himself was convincing, even though a couple of my party said that he looked like me. Most spectacular of all though, were the chorus, who must have been trained to within an inch of their lives to perform the quick moving set piece stops which punctuate the action of the play. Genuinely astonishing, as was the Prophet, and the comic relief provided by the little bloke who came back in the mask as the shepherd. An impressive and interesting performance; and proof that there is more to existence than Micky Flanagan.

Will it be back next year? Probably not, and just for the record, I’m in the middle of the Julie Burchill vs Steven Berkoff argument.
Value for Money? Thankfully, I didn’t pay for this one, and you have to pay more for a high class high end production thing in the Pleasance. Very good, but not cheap.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Probably my mother, but there had been numerous good reviews before then

Patented Star Rating: ****
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Show 3: Beowulf: A Thousand Years of Baggage 
He was WAY less imposing in real life [source]
Where, When and how Much? Assembly George Square: Dans Paleis (13th Of August 16:00 £12.00- c)


Review: A slightly pretentious, slightly overlong, slightly feminist, modern-day analysis of Beowulf. Told through the mediums of: music and dance numbers and straight-faced academic analysis. The cast were joined by a brass band, and accompanied by a chubby, yet athletic, pair of dancers. It didn't quite work, but had a certain charm. The circular tent where it was performed was used to good effect as a space, but often the audience would have to crane their necks to see things happening behind and in front of them simultaneously. Therefore, it would have been better for everyone to sit in the booths to the side of the stage, which would have allowed everyone to see everything; however, that would have been weird for the performers, as it would have appeared to have been an empty stage (something I am familiar with). Despite being made to sit in the centre, it was hardly a full house. The conceit, a reconstruction of Beowulf to show how it is still influential today, was good idea, but the material could have done with some pruning, and the overly feminist revision of Grendel and his mother put was a bit misguided. To illustrate, they tried to argue that Grendel was a retard, and Beowulf was just another man in the man-ocracy for killing the one thing Grendel's mother liked. All the songs were accompanied by a brass band, which impressed, but meant that the audience was outnumbered by performers.  However, the 'Dragon Woman Song' (performed in Old English) was perhaps a dragon song too far, and the whole thing had an unevenness of tone which was a bit weird. I can imagine it working much better with full house, instead of this performance, which had: us, and a few people sitting in the tent to avoid the rain. 

Highlights: The entrance of Beowulf was amusing to me, although it was not supposed to be. Beowulf was played by a man with glasses, cuts on his knees and no obvious body weight or muscle; however, this didn't effect the show deeply. The battles were performed through arm wrestles on top of stools, and were amusing and, strangely, tense. The musical numbers were generally interesting, and added to by a fun, full brass band. The Grendell’s arm was also pretty good. On a personal note, the couple playing Grendel's mother and Beowulf were a real-life couple, and one which I saw not only around Edinburgh almost constantly, but also in the small town of Ullapool, where I went a few weeks later with my girlfriend. It is a tiny town far in the highlands, and this appears to be more than mere coincidence.

Will it be back next year? Possibly, but it certainly needs a trim and a re-write.
Value for Money? Meh.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Alice, my sister, who loves all that Norse shite.

Patented Star Rating: **1/2
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Show 4: Simon Callow in Tuesdays at Tescos
Grotesque and not very good, but shhh... now's not the time for words. [source]
Where, When and how Much? Assembly Hall: Main Hall (16th August 14:00 £17.50)


Review: Simon Callow, dressed as a very stubbley transsexual, relates the tale of how he goes to visit his father every Tuesday to do some shopping for and with him. The shame of the father and his old friends from the place he grew up is at odds with how Callow’s Character Paul (or Paula) lives his life now. Other than Callow, who provides all the spoken material, the only other contributor to the diagesis (nice word huh?) is a man silently writing to himself and occasionally tuning the piano. Incidentally, that is the very definition of pretentious. In between scenes, the impressively calved Callow would often do dances in high heels, once or twice to the accompaniment of the piano. These dances were offered as comedy, although the rest of the material didn’t know whether to go for flat-out funny, or a serious reflection on transgender concerns. As it was, it was poorly written but well performed, as you would expect from Callow. It was also irritating to have it referred to as 'Tescos' constantly. A missed opportunity.


Highlights: Simon Callow is an impressive performer, and the skin-tight top that he wore (shudder) allowed you to see his impressive diaphragm. Other than that, not really much other than the odd joke which added the occasional titter. You couldn’t help but feel that even that was sychophantic though.


Will it be back next year? Hopefully not.
Value for Money? Absolutely not.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Another group effort, as we had read a good bunch of reviews. So, up yours, published press.


Patented Star Rating: *1/2
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Show 5: Phill Jupitus Quartet: ‘Made Up’ 
The official picture for 'The Phill Jupitus Quartet' - E-go! [source]
Where, When and how Much? Gilded Balloon: Debating Hall (17th August 15:30 £11)


Review: Improv comedy, hosted by Phil Jupitus, and featuring three other guys. Two of them weren’t very good; the other, a small bald Irish guy, was. It was the usual japes and tasks, and they performed them with aplomb. A good skill, but not really to my taste.
Our parties contributions: 
Phill Jupitus: Types of Theatre.
Me: Erotic.
Phill Jupitus: Erotic theatre?

Phill Jupitus: Endings of films.
My Auntie: Cliffhanger.
Phill Jupitus: Nice.

Highlights: Some stuff was pretty good, some wasn't so good, you know the deal with improv. It always seems to me that they will work material they have in anyway, no matter what is shouted to them. A genuinely impressive song about a restaurant was the highlight, performed by the little Irish guy who was as funny as he looked (which was very). Phil was good, but the other two were lacklustre at best, particularly the big, grey haired guy who smiled smugly to himself and I saw in at least four bars throughout town afterwards.  


Will it be back next year? Probably, it seems pretty easy to do, and was sold out. 
Value for Money? Meh.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? An Aunt, and my mum. 


Patented Star Rating: **
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Show 6: An Evening With David Sedaris 
[source] 
Where, When and how Much? Venue 150 EICC: The Lomond Theatre (18th August 18:30 £15)


Review: The charming and funny Sedaris came and read to us a few stories, articles, and diary entries of his. He left time for jokes and questions, which he filled with further jokes. A genuinely comfortable presence when reading, he has the wit and charisma to make weak material seem funny, and his material is very strong. It's hard to convey any of his gentle jokes, but he did crack out the less subtle: ‘what’s the worst thing to hear when you’re blowing Willie Nelson?’ (in old man voice) ‘I’m not Willie Nelson.’ A joy.


Highlights: Being within a foot of the guy when we first walked into the hall. The letter of why David Sedaris wasn’t going to be running for President, and the pronunciation by foreign people of foreign words, such as the difference between Nicaragua and Niharahua as pronounced by a white-American. The rest of his stories were, as expected, excellent.


Will it be back next year? I hope he will, the charming wee gay guy.
Value for Money? Didn’t pay, thankfully, but great to see him up close. I’ve been a mad fan since my friend Chissa left me a book as her going away present.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Me


Patented Star Rating: ****
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Show 7: The Pajama Men: In The Middle Of No One 
In real life, the guy on the right looks a lot less like Zack Braff [source] 
Where, When and how Much? Assembly Hall: Rainy Hall (19th August 21:00 £14.00 )


Review: Two blokes and some minor musical accompaniment portray dozens of characters in a time-travelling, side-splitting event. Almost impossible to describe without you going to see them, but you should. There were so many hilarious characters, such as the sassy ice-beast, the sassy women in the hospital, and the two ladies who force people in the front row to kiss. Furthermore, the alien diplomats, the star-crossed lovers, and the horny parrot were excellent. The story came together in a witty, intelligent, hilarious hour, and for the most that I have seen in a festival show, the crowd agreed. I saw it twice, happily (see below).


Highlights: So many. Even now, a week and a house move on, we still mention the alien who can talk with the forehead, the woman with the gigantic, uncontrollable breasts, and the bird which makes calls like a woman in the throes of orgasm. From a stage point of view, the scene with the marionettes was not only wonderful physical comedy, but required genuine skill. What tied it most together, was that all of these characters were performed by two very talented blokes, and given an emotional edge through the musical accompaniment of the bearded little bloke at the side of the stage. Worth seeing, and as will be seen. Worth seeing again. Highly recommended.

Will it be back next year? They did a different show last year, so a new show seems likely. I’ll be there.
Value for money? Not cheap, but worth it.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? A Group effort, but it had been very much talked up.

Patented Star Rating: *****
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Show 8: Free Run 
[source] 
Where, When and how Much? Udderbelly’s Pasture: E4 Udderbelly (20 August 18:20 £17.00)


Review: A Parkour demonstration, with a story based loosely around a futuristic, dystopian town. This story pretty served as an excuse to the set dark, show off parkour and martial arts, and play drum and bass. The crew were genuinely impressive, especially the guy who was doing the capoeira. All involved were, as you would expect, genuinely impressive athletes. The underbelly venue was used to great effect, and allowed the guys to showcase their considerable skills. On a personal note, I met a girl who slept with four of them in the first two weeks, fair play to her.

Highlights: So many backflips and somersaults during the show that it may have been too much; a guy supporting himself and a mate while balancing on his arms; a guy holding himself up by the arms on a pole, with his legs above him, at a 45 degree angle, for at least 3 minutes. Very impressive stuff. The gentle athleticism of the capoeria guy, who looked huge, but wasn’t very tall when I saw and met him afterwards. 


Will it be back next year? Hopefully, it’s good to have non-comedy things, although the queue of morons waiting for Daniel Sloss afterwards didn't raise my hopes for the future of the human race.
Value for Money? Expensive show, but genuinely impressive.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Me!


Patented Star Rating: ***1/2
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Show 9: Chat Masala with Hardeep Singh Kohli 
This picture was by far the easiest to find, and also the most headache-inducing [source]
Where, When and how Much? Gilded Balloon: Debating Hall (21 August 14:00 £12)


Review: Neither I nor my girlfriend were particularly excited when we were told we were going to this, but it turned out all right. Still, even after this, neither of us particularly like Hardeep, so we trudged along with heavy heart. It is ostensibly a chat show, where Hardeep cooks while chatting, before handing a bit of food to his guests and some of the audience. The first few minutes was just Hardeep talking to the audience, and was pretty poor quality. He’s not nasty enough to be a biting comedian, and his self-deprecating humour became grating very quickly. He related stories of his childhood, and spoke about being bullied because of his turban, without ever acknowledging that he could just take it off, or at least not wear a pink one (his brother, Navid from 'Still Game', doesn't wear a Turban, so is Hardeep just an attention seeker? Answer: Yes.)  The first guest, a Bristolian guest who showed us his tattoos (which were awful - pi to 55 digits on his arm, and some cuts on his scrawny side) and went on and on about his stand up show, without ever saying a joke or hinting at having a sense of humour. However, he was a pretty boy, and apparently had links to some Hollywood star, and so I could see him becoming famous in spite of his obvious lack of talent. His name was Joel something, and I hope I don’t see him again. The second guest, the boy with the tape on his mouth (See below) was impressive, especially as he only performed the highlights of his hour-long show. The last guest was Mike McReady who was a passionate, interesting speaker, especially compared to Hardeep and that Joel guy. 


Highlights: The boy with the tape on his mouth was hilarious in the small dose, especially when following the dross which had preceded him. Big Mike Mcready genuinely exhuded charisma, and was good to see. We also got to try some of the lentil stuff, which was, I must admit, delicious.

Will it be back next year? Certainly looks that way.
Value for Money? Maybe a bit more food would have helped.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? My mother, and beloved aunt.


Patented Star Rating: **
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Show 10: The Ginge, The Geordie and the Geek – Best of 09/10 
Funny guys in need of a meal [source] 
Where, When and how Much? Just The Tonic at the Caves: Just The Big Room (21 August 19:45 £12)

Review: The three sketch show guys do a bunch of sketches of varying sanity, developing them over the show, before bringing all of the characters together at the conclusion. Large numbers of characters, costumes were adopted and changed into seamlessly, and the whole thing was well paced and with very few misses. The characters had developed over the hour and came to a good, amusing conclusion. As good as sketch shows can be.   


Highlights: The relationship between ventriloquist and puppet was good, and there were numerous giant animal heads. The angry Green Man traffic signal was also very funny: As was the gay guy who challenged manhood conceptions to seduce heterosexual men into sex. To be honest, there were very few weak links, this being the ‘best of’ of course. A really solid set.


Will it be back next year? If they haven’t gone ballistic, then yes. (N.B. Ballistic for a sketch group would mean, I suppose, a TV show, not sure if they have one yet)
Value for Money? Bit much, but a good show.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? My girlfriend, well done Amy.


Patented Star Rating: ****
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Show 11: WitTank 
[source]
Where, When and how Much?  Just The Tonic at the Caves: Just The Big Room (22 August 18:15 £7.50c)


Review: A Trio of guys perform sketches. Some were better than others. The main problem I had with them was that they were all posh guys. A friend of my brother went to school with them, and his name is Henry. Make of that what you will. I think that good comedy isn’t performed by three posh guys, at most, you should have one, and he should constantly be made fun of. Of the three, the shortest, bearded one, made a recurring appearance as ‘Bishop klepto’ which was not very funny and had the effect of dragging the show down. He was ‘weird’ as opposed to weird funny, which is never a good thing when he was on the stage the most. The other one, a skinny boy-child type creature, and the lanky, dark-haired one were slightly better, but were still too posh to be really funny. Also, the conclusion, where an opera-singing fly helps a grandfather to escape carehome captivity, was not as clever as the conclusion of all the bits at the end of the 'Ginge, Geordie and Geek' the night before (See above). It seemed a cheap tack-on rather than a good conclusion. However, I am willing to concede that this would probably not be the case if I had seen this before the 'Ginger, Geordie and the Geek'.

Highlights: The Sugar Daddy segment (is it a segment? a piece maybe) was excellent, a sugar infused drug-trip told through strobe lights and flashbacks, leaving the two ‘takers’ curled up heaps at the end, and the stage covered in sugar (which was still there by the time we went to see Henning Wehn (see below))  Though this part was very good, the effect was that the rest of the material paled in comparison, although there were some other good bits. For example, the dancing birds mating dance thing was pretty funny: the lanky one, dressed in a beak and his undies, dragged a buxom audience member to perform a mating dance to her while the others looked on; it was funnier than that sounds.     


Will it be back next year? Probably, although they guys may be forced to start working for a bank by their overbearing parents.
Value for Money? Probably a bit too much, good to keep it under a tenner though.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? My sister

Patented Star Rating: **1/2
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Show 12: Armageddapocalypse: The Explosioning 
Instantly question the critical faculties of anyone who gave this tripe a good review [source]
Where, When and how Much? : Just The Tonic at The Caves: Just The Fancy Room (22nd August 22:00 £7.50c)


Review: I came into this completely silent on what to expect, and with expectations high after a recommendation from my usually reliable sister. What followed was supposed to be a loving take on action and comic-book movies, with a witty, post-modern, director’s commentary interrupting the action at points. What we got was: a non-stop torrent of awful jokes with a near zero per cent success rate. The hero of the 'movie,' who was just a fat guy, was absolutely lacking in charisma, comic timing, or any redeeming feature. He did a a stupid gravelly ‘funny voice’ throughout, it was unfunny at the beginning, by the end I wanted to murder him. The main bad guy, supposed to be German but played by a fey-faced guy struggling to do a foreign accent. He missed his lines constantly. The other main character, the token woman, was attractive but not funny. The result was unfunny jokes, obvious or stupid parodies, poorly performed by untalented actors. I would be disappointed to see this at a high school assembly. Despite this, a lot of people in the crowd were cracking up, which made me think, more than ever, that the vote shouldn't be universal. By some distance, the worst thing I saw this year.


Highlights: Uh, I suppose the main bad guy losing his concentration (and German accent) when someone’s phone went off. Of the actual material though the best bit was the director’s commentary segments, which sought to subvert our inner expectations, but in actuality were nowhere near as clever as they thought they were.


Will it be back next year? I hope not, although the geeks in the room were going mental for it.
Value for Money? Not even if they paid me what I had paid them.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? My Sister, shame on you Alice.


Patented Star Rating: Was gonna give *, but bugger it, 0 stars.

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Show 13: Tokyo Game: The Body Tights Man Show 
Funnier, crazier than this picture makes it look [source]
Where, When and how Much? : Just The Tonic at The Caves: Just The Fancy Room (23rd August 17:30 £8.00)


Review: Japanese physical comedy performed by three men in full body tights. It was much better than that sounds. Sketches were performed with minimal dialogue between acts, with each act more bizarre than the last. Some acts required genuine skill, such as when they blew a piece of paper the length of the room onto a target, while others were more obvious physical jokes and slapstick. I loved it. The leader of the troop, or at least the one who could speak a bit of English, came to check with us that we knew what he was talking about. It made little difference that we usually had no idea what he was on about. There were some genuinely entertaining bits, and the performers exuberance more than made up for some of the weaker links, such as a couple of springs singing to each other. Innovative use of music and props made this an entertaining day, and the joy that I experienced showed that this particular room wasn’t jinxed (See Armageddapocalypse). Even my initially sceptical girlfriend enjoyed it immensely. At the end, after the thrilling conclusion, the three guys shook our hands and waved everyone goodbye, a nice touch. We came out with smiles on our faces, and the feeling of mental violation which only Japanese comedy can bring. I recommended it endlessly to everyone I know, and no one went, which says a lot about the people whom I know. Variously ‘insane/funny’ and insane, in a good way.

Highlights: In the queue outside there was a very pretty Scottish girl who had evidently been placed in charge of a group of Spanish students for (possibly) a few weeks. As they waited for the show to start, she stood them around her, towering above them all, and said "I am getting paid to look after you guys, but this is our last day together, and I'm sick of listening to you not speaking English, for this last show, no more Spanish. Ok?" They each shook their head and walked off. Only one remained, who said "no vas" - no deal. From the actual show there were so many highlights. The planet of weird animals where the guys dressed up in full morph-suits with sad eyes stuck to the front blew increasingly mad things from their mouths, all set to terrific music, was incredible. A performer stopping from doing an act next to the crowd because he was ‘falling in a love with’ a pretty girl in the audience added some hilarity to a tense physical act. My girlfriend shrieked when a group of magnets made to perform a dance in the shape of a human jumped up and did the splits. Other crowd interaction was also amusing, such as offering a spit covered spatula to one of the audience, and a part where the sounds of flies allowed the guys to smack the audience with fly-swats, were all great. A genuinely interesting and different comedy experience, and much better than lining the pockets of some already smug comic. Exactly what the Fringe should be about. 


Will it be back next year? I hope so.
Value for Money? Yes.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Me, after seeing them walking down the street with five foot tubes on their heads which blew bubbles. I took a flyer and was on my way. Hooray!


Patented Star Rating: ****

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Show 14: Henning Wehn: No Surrender 
As funny as he looks [Source]
Where, When and how Much? : Just The Tonic at The Caves: Just The Big Room (23rd August 21:15 £6.50)


Review: The only genuine stand-up comic we saw this year was the idiosyncratic German. He is a funny, affable man, able to recognise faults in the British psyche from an outsiders perspective, despite having lived here for many years. The only genuine stand-up we saw this year, after a glut of it in the last few, and it was unorthodox and clever enough to be worth it.


Highlights: the sugar on the ground which was left from the ‘sugar daddy’ segment of Wittank, on previously. Other than that, some edgy material which sat nicely alongside his more everyday material. References to Nurembourg and Auschwitz were played nicely for laughs rather than shock, as was his reference to the room as his bunker. His confusion with shit and twix chocolate bars was also amusing. Also, everyone in the audience received a pen courtesy of the German Consulate, given as Henning shook everyone's hand on the way out, a charming and welcome touch. He is, however, as ugly as sin. He also allowed everyone to sign up to his monthly emails, which is a rambling, insane highlight which arrives every few months. 


Will he be back next year? Probably, although he will be on QI soon- onwards and upwards.
Value for money? For once, absolutely!
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Me, although my girlfriend and I had both heard good things about it.


Patented Star Rating: ***1/2

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Show 15: Sammy J And Randy: Ricketts Lane 


[source]
Where, When and how Much? Udderbelly’s Pasture: E4 CowBarn (24th August 18:00 £11.50 – c)

Review: A well-written, foul-mouthed, Australian show starring the scrawny Sammy J and his morally ambiguous puppet housemate. Through songs and arguments they fall out of love, with Randy responsible for a crime on which Sammy J is a prosecuting lawyer, and which could help make or break his legal career. A bout in prison for both is the conclusion to this well written,  fast-paced play with some great musical numbers. I was disappointed to find that seemingly improvised parts were actually well-rehearsed jokes (some mates saw the same thing on a different day) this ruined the illusion of comic genius for me, dropping it  towards mere comic heroicism. Or something. 

Highlights: The song about sleeping was the best of the bunch, although there were no obvious duds among the other songs. Visual gags, such as the black and white scene, the smooshing of Randy and a few of the more obvious puppet jokes went down well also. The full two minutes of repeating ‘Pwapa New Guinea’ went from funny, to irritating, to hilarious again, and was heard spoken incidentally throughout the town afterwards. Also great were the beef related puns, confusion over tea being referred to as ‘Joe’, and the hopefully soon to be a hit game of ‘Chebble’ - a mixture of Chess and Scrabble, which looked immensely better than either of those games on their own. The tape, ‘Cooking with Obama’ was also very funny.


Will it be back next year? Probably something similar to it yes.
Value for money? Not bad.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Me and my ladyfriend.


Patented Star Rating: *****

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Show 16: The Pajama Men: In The Middle Of No One (again)

[source]
Where, When and how Much? : Assembly Hall: Rainy Hall (24th August 21:00 £12.00 – c)

Review:  See above. This was my second time of seeing it (this time with girlfriend, first time was with family) and it was definitely worth seeing twice. Jokes and storylines made a little more sense the second time around, and I was surprised by how different the two shows were, the story allowed a lot for room for improvisation between the two actors, who have a great comedy chemistry. Still a joy, and highly recommended, although my girlfriend enjoyed 'Sammy J and Randy' more. For me, this pipped it as it was cleverer, quicker and more improvised.


Highlights: same as before, the aliens, the woman ripping off her face in frustration and the gormless baby remain highlights. The major change was that the pair, who forced a front row couple to kiss in order to extend the show, seemed genuinely shocked when the couple made out, the first showing they had received a cheek kiss. Still, very impressive show. Looking back on it, we’re all still quoting it now, great.

Will it be back next year? I hope so.
Value for money? Expensive, but worth it.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? Me, this time.

Patented Star Rating: **** 1/2

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Show 17: The Boy With Tape On His Face 
[source]
Where, When and how Much? : Pleasance Courtyard: BEYOND (25th August 21:10 £9.50 - c)

Review: A New Zealander finally does us all a favour by putting tape over his mouth, allowing him to amuse without irritating. A mime act, which uses the facial expressions, particularly of the eyes to good effect. On top of this is audience participation, prop comedy, and sound gags honed and well-practiced to create a surprisingly funny show. There were some genuinely funny moments, as well as some that didn’t really hit the mark: for example, there was an over-reliance on inanimate objects made to 'sing' which became a bit much. Some funny gags, although from what I hear, it’s exactly the same material as last year, which must be boring for the guy. Also, the seating in the venue was uniform and almost flat, as opposed to staggered and on a slant, which meant that the audience to bob their heads like a crowd of parakeets in order to see.


Highlights: Crowd interaction was fun, not least the Michael Jackson Song and dance featuring a fat man trying, in vain, to thrust his groin in time to music. Other good scenes too. 


Will it be back next year? Yes, and hopefully with new material too.
Value for money? Yeah, not bad.
Who’s to blame / congratulate for the recommendation? An unholy combination of my mother, sister, aunt and girlfriend, who all loved the bits we saw at Hardeep Kohli's show (see above)


Patented Star Rating: ****

-----------------------------------------------

CONCLUSION: OK, that's everything- I also saw a few movies in the film festival, but I think we've already got enough of that nonsense here. We came very close to seeing 'Samurai Grandma' after being handed a leaflet by Henning Wehn, but we never got around to it. We did however, see the Samurai Grandma (a Japanese woman in her middle ages, wearing a kimono) more than anyone else: sleeping in the bar outside the hall, chatting on the royal mile, in the museum, in two restaurants (!) and in at least two other bars. Weird! I immensely enjoyed the festival, and would recommend it to anyone: get there. I also apologise for only putting this up now, but, I've been busy since August.

Merry Christmas, P.




Monday, 19 December 2011

The 5 (Unintentionally) Freakiest Kids In Movies

Child actors freak the hell out of me, Pascal. Kids in real life are fine, but when they are played by some precocious little creature, they terrify me. They seem to be adults in the bodies of children, which makes them really unnerving. Some of these performances are creepy because they are meant to be, some are because the actor playing them is creepy. The following are the five creepiest kids in all movies, ever.

5. The kid from…  Charlie and the Chocolate Factory [2005] (played by Freddie Highmore)

 This movie wasn’t great, and it was pretty unnecessary; I also didn’t like the fact that all the kids seemed to be alive at the end; their implied death in the Gene Wilder one made it a little bit more sinister. Johnny Depp wasn’t very good in it either, his Michael Jackson impersonation wasn’t enough to sustain a whole movie, especially when he was opposite this little creeper. It was certainly the time when most people I knew thought that it was the last time they would watch a Tim Burton Movie, and the rest made the same decision after that Sweeney Todd movie. Personally, I’d seen Planet of the Apes on a plane trip, so I was more wary. Anyway, the kid, playing Charlie Bucket, reminds of that creature in the bar in Star wars. You decide.


He has a very weird shaped head and talks throughout the movie with a strange, gravely voice. He has become something of a sex symbol (according to my cousin) now that he is an adult teenager, so something must have changed quite drastically between his being a kid and being an adult. Either that, or all girls and gay men are stupid. Again, you decide.

4. The kid from… Shane [1953] (played by Brandon De Wilde)

I watched Shane as a six year old, and when I was saddened by the end, my dad told me that Shane would return some day to see this kid. This is a complete lie, akin to Old Yeller being alive and set free, but I thank him for preventing me any stress. By all accounts I was a tightly wound-up child. Anyway, there was no way that Shane would return, because the kid is irritating beyond belief. He’s weird-looking, dopey, and doesn’t seem to understand what’s going on. His haircut makes him look like a Benedictine Monk, and his teeth are so gigantic even a Catholic Priest would struggle to find him attractive. Here he is:

the only picture I could find of him not chewing straw
I don’t see what Shane sees in him. Still, it’s a great movie, and I’ve heard there’s an alternative ending where the kid dies, I don’t believe it, but I wanna. [N.B. Looking this up, I have found that this kid died aged only 30 in real life, I kinda feel bad now.]

3. The kid from … The Innocents [1961] 
(Played by Martin Stephens)

 A classic here, where the woman goes to look after a couple of freaky kids who may or may not be possessed by the ghosts of the owners of the estate(or something, I watched it a long time ago). They live in a huge, haunted mansion, and talk to each other as a crotchety couple in their sixties would. We’re not supposed to know whether they are ‘haunted’ or just a woman struggling to cope with weird kids. The girl child is pretty creepy, but the bloke child is very creepy and very convincing.
even scarier than the stereotypical Spaniard behind him  
The conclusion hints that even the lady has fallen for it, but this may be a sign of her growing instability. I’ve done that without any overt spoilers, not bad huh? Oh, this wold be higher, because he is a freaky little fella, but he’s supposed to be, so he stays at number three.

2. The kid from… The Ring (U.S. Version) [2002] (played by David Dorfman)

 The character Naomi Watts plays sole reason to live seems to be her child. She watches the cursed video, and seems resigned to her own death, but when her child watches it, she really races forward to find a solution to keep her kid alive. Did I mention that her kid looks like this? 

Positively ghoulish.
He talks in a freaky, oddly grown-up voice too, and has a habit of turning up right behind you. He might even be behind you right now! But he loses points because he is meant to be a bit freaky to everyone but his parents. I’m glad he didn’t die though, he’s scary enough alive, imagine how bad he would be as a ghost. As it is, he lived, he’ll just be traumatised for the rest of his life from seeing a video that killed his dad, and that’s fine by me.

1. The kid from… The Gameplan [2007]
 (played by Madison Pettis)

  The only movie I haven't seen on this list, but from what I have seen, she is far and away the scariest child actor ever. This movie seemed to pass by unheralded (at least where I was living at the time) and I’ve never heard it mentioned, but I do remember being freaked out first by her performance in the trailer, and then in an an interview with her and the Rock. Try to watch this without mentally referring to her as a 'little urchin'…

Click here for link


In case you can't watch this, it's the Rock discussing a movie with that Peurto Rican woman from Scrubs after a shrinking accident. Have you ever seen a kid so precocious? She’s eight, how does she even have hair that thick / long? I think it may just be an adult dwarf instead. The story of the movie, from what I understand, is that the ‘kid’ comes along to live with the Rock, and they bond. She eventually teaches him valuable lessons about morality and maturity. I’m sure by the end of it, they want - instead of have - to live together, and she helps him to sort out whatever personal problems he may have had, even winning his important Gridiron match again/for the first time [delete as applicable]. I’m sure it was heart-warming for most, but I would rather drink poison than see it. I don’t think that the movie was supposed to be a horror, but if that thing knocked on my door wanting to stay, and claiming that I had helped give her life, I’d fling myself off a bridge.

Oh, and merry Christmas.

P.S. If anyone is interested in how I would rank the movies themselves, that would go, in order, 4, 3, 2, 5, 1. Some others weren’t considered, the kids from Mrs Doubtfire were ignored because they were irritating rather than freaky., and the kid from the Shining did a really convincing job playing a child. He was a particularly gifted one, but he still acted and talked like a kid, so that’s fine. I also don’t like Dakota Fanning, but I couldn’t think of anything that she’s been in that really freaked me out. More from me, if I haven’t been arrested for looking up child actors, later….

Wednesday, 14 December 2011

Electric Ode: Samsung M8800

I've used the M8800 for a couple of months now. It was gifted to me after someone else got a phone upgrade on their contract and gave me this one. This process is known as a 'shut-upgrade.' I can't describe how intently I hate this phone. I put up with it for a full couple of months, before reverting to my old, clapped out piece-of-shit instead. Let's have a run through of the M8800:

  It looks good, and certainly feels like a high-tech bit of kit in your hands. The camera is ostensibly very good, an 8.0mp, with all the various impressive shutter speeds you would expect. However, it might be the least user-friendly phone ever made. Let's look at taking photos. Getting to the camera from a locked screen takes an age. Instead of, as you would hope, unlocking the phone and then pressing the camera button to get the camera, you have to go through an elaborate song and dance, which lets you fanny around instead of enjoying the moment. I was trying to take a picture of some wildlife (nothing interesting) and in the time it my girlfriend to take seven photos, I had just taken my first, this is why: After getting it this phone out of the protective sleeve, unlocking it, selecting the main menu, and then selecting the camera from the main menu (you can't select camera as a shortcut, nor can you select it merely by pressing the camera button, setting the M8800 apart from every other phone with a camera to have ever existed). If you can be bothered going to the menu, waiting for the camera logo to show, choosing the correct setting, and then holding the camera button down for around three seconds, you can get great pictures.

  Balloons up in celebration of finally getting the camera ready to take a picture.
  Reviewing the photos takes an age, and deleting ones you don't want takes even longer. It is impossible to review pictures quickly, instead you have to look at each and every photo you have taken, scrolling through them slowly as you do. There is no way to scan from the earliest photo to the latest, so once you finally reach the end, you have to go all the way back to the beginning. There is no wi-fi application, which seems a huge oversight, for something which is basically a camera which happens to have some phone aspects.

 As to the phone itself, the main problem, other than the enormous amount of time it takes to do anything, is the unresponsive touchscreen. If you receive a message, the typical transaction will be: unpack the phone from its protective pouch, press the hold button (if it hasn't already been pressed accidentally), get the stupid stylus out, press 'read message', wait four seconds (I just timed it) to get to the inbox, press the newest message, wait too long for that to open, and then read it. If you want to reply, and there is reception, you can use the least helpful predictive text of all time (typing in 'ok' at first came up with 'homo' - apt, perhaps, but pretty useless) and then try in vain to get the stylus to touch the button you want (it won't). If you want more screen, you can tilt the phone on its side to get a 'QWERTY' screen, which makes things easier, but, again, takes forever. There is also no d-pad, so you have to use the stylus to move your cursor to correct the errors which will occur. The result: a quick response to a text will take minutes instead of seconds.

Using your fingers on the touch screen is nearly impossible, especially if you have fat, ape-thumbs like me. The alternative, the stylus, is particularly unresponsive; scanning from one screen to another takes ages, noticeably longer than it should do. When it comes to calling or texting contacts, contacts aren't listed easily, and there is no easy bit where you can select contacts of a certain letter. So, if you want to contact, for example, 'ZZ Top' you have to slowly scroll down past everyone else. It is incredibly irritating.

The reception is sub-par, and even in the middle of cities I struggle to make calls. The act of texting takes forever, even without the  long delays of typing (see above); after you write it, instead of sending straight away, it asks if you would like to send multiple messages, then you have to choose send it. If it doesn't send (and this happens often) there is no option to push the message when you get to somewhere with reception, so it sits in your out-box like a fat kid in time-out. It doesn't tell you that it hasn't sent, so your friends start hating and resenting you even more than I hate this phone.

  The battery life is appalling, needing to be charged every day. It was worse before I changed it from the 3G always on option, where you would go from full charge to a warning in less than two hours. the headphones and music features are good, but listening to music eats up batteries like nothing else. Other than that, and a useless calender, the features are nearly non-existent, and the whole thing is incredibly responsive, and very very sloooow to use. I've hinted at the pointlessness of having a hold button which can turned on or off with the power of a though, so won't go into it further. The whole phone, and every feature, seems to have been pushed out in order to meet a deadline, and is the very definition of style over substance.

My conclusion: If anyone offers you this phone, throw it back in their faces, and tell them to get fucked.

Camera: ***** (quality) ** (Ease of use)
Phone: * (for camera)

Love, P.

Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Lone Wolf and Cub: Parts 1 - 3

I have only seen 4 Star Wars movies; I have seen four Indiana Jones movies, although I don't like to talk about the last one. The same goes with one of the three Godfather movies. Alongside that, 1 Bond Film, 1 Rocky film, and 2 Harry Potter Movies were enough to not make me want to watch any others. As you can see, I, Pascal, tend not to watch entire series of movies. Therefore, the record for the most number of movies in a series belongs to the 'Lone Wolf and Cub' Series. It's a samurai saga based on a manga book I haven't read. The first four movies in the cycle were released in the same year. Think about that. Despite what you're thinking, I, Pascal, have a girlfriend, and have done for years. The following article was published in a movie fanzine my friend writes. It is presented as it was before, with pictures taken from screengrabs (which are such a pain in the hole to get, and they don't even come out very clearly). For the sake of convenience I will split these reviews up into two parts. Enjoy parts 1 -3 here.

Lone Wolf and Cub: 3 Brief Reviews
Tomisaburo Wakayama as the gruff, murderous single-parent and 'Lone Wolf' Itto Ogami [source]

I’m so white that I don’t need x-rays to see my bones, but I have been to Japan. This alone makes me qualified to review all 6 of the ‘Lone Wolf and Cub’, or ‘Babycart’ movies. The series follows the titular Lone Wolf, Itto Ogami, an exiled samurai betrayed and turned assassin for hire, and the Cub, his child. Exiled and masterless, the two travel Japan, the cub pushed around in a heavily armed and armoured pram, or ‘Babycart’ if you will. Together, over 1000 on-screen deaths and the madness that usually accompanies a 1970s Japanese movie led to the series being banned by Thatcher’s ‘Video Nasty’ campaign. Here, a bunch of over-privileged, easily-offended politicians worked themselves into a frenzy of being outraged. After many monocles were dropped into gin and tonics, this series, and any number of classic (and not so-classic) movies were deemed illegal, before our wonderful leaders indulged in a fox hunt, peasant hunt or ordered miner’s strikes to be met with violence. To be fair to old Iron-box, it’s not hard to see why it would have put Thatchers massive bouffant in a frizz. The threat of rape and coerced sex permeates the entire series. Nudity and extreme violence are commonplace; at the end of most episodes, the assassin, (a gruff, unfit looking Japanese bloke) has a showdown with up to 200 faceless killers is undertaken without emotion. Throughout his wanderings, he meets the characters indicative of a broken-down society, honorable samurai cast out by their corrupt retainers, women turned to prostitutes after their family is killed, and violent mercenaries. The whole series has the lingering aroma of corruption and violence.

  More troublesome aspects include the notions of seppuku to retain honour, torture (particularly of the cub: the assassins son). Unusually for movies of the period, there is ‘blood,’ ‘flying limbs,’ and ‘naked people.’ On the other hand, the films have genuine cinematic highlights and are rightly revered by film-buffs: people you wouldn’t want to meet. The violence is stylisitic, the plots usually at least interesting (if not a little insane); Retsudo, the nemesis of the Wolf, a one-eyed man who looks like Santa on smack, is certainly memorable, and his sanity declines as the assassin dispatches all six of his sons, as well as a daughter. The series moral standard is the relationship between the lone wolf and his cub which is dealt with in a stern, yet tender way. The music genuinely has to be heard to be heard (or something). The lead women in any of the movies tend to be that most covetous of creatures ‘busty Asian chicks,’ and unusually sympathetic characters for contemporary Japanese movies. They also spend a lot of time naked. Coincidentally, the movies are a huge cult hit, with fans including Samuel L. Jackson, and are popular on DVD. The series should also become available in New Zealand on VHS within the next century or so. The following is a review of the six movies in ‘F.R.I.E.N.D.S.’ style episode titles, because the actual titles are so misleading as to cause head-explosion. Also, I haven’t looked at wikipedia or anything, so the plots that I have remembered may be a little off… [N.B. Were added by publisher]


1 – ‘The One With The Thermal Spa’ 
[aka 'Sword of Vengeance'] (1972)

  A lot of scene setting here; and though this is relative, the least number of deaths in any of the movies. The Wolf is the chief executor for some local Daimyo, and is betrayed for a decision he made. His wife killed, he is lucky to escape with his son. But who ordered this senseless murder?
Answer: this guy:Retsudo, the Wolf's white haired enemy for the series.

Why does he need them all dead? Honour probably. The wolf flees with his son, and pram, to be an assassin, and to eventually get revenge. There is a thought that his son ‘the cub,’ aged about 5 here, is already too old to need a pram to be pushed around, but that’s just nitpicking. The Wolf, already famous as a skilled assassin, keeps on wandering. Retsudo's assassins follow him, but they are dealt with easily.
For example, decapitatedly easily.

Still, we need to know, where will he lay his sweet head? After a time, the two end up in a thermal spa town terrorised by a gang of rape-happy renegades. The wolf’s weapons are stolen so that he can’t fight back, so he bides his time. The gang force him to sleep with the token ‘hooker with the heart of gold.’ This shows his bravery, apparently, arousal becomes impossible with the threat of death. This goes contrary to my viewings of ‘Ghost’ and the criminally under-rated ‘My Ass Is Haunted’ respectively. The prostitute is attractive, and it is implied that she got into the business because her husband and family were killed.
The Wolf, Cub, and prostitute take a relaxing thermal dip. 

Eventually, the Wolf gets his weapons back, and a violent battle rages between himself and the heavily armed gang. Guess who wins? The wolf is killed and the baby eaten in a primitive ritual. Just joking. After the slaughter, the episode ends, as it often does, with the lead woman falling in love with our brave duo and seeking to follow them. Times seem to have changed, but very few women seem to want to stick with me after I've murdered a dozen people in front of them. Instead, the Wolf makes it sure that he prefers the company of a small boy and saunters off without looking back.

2 – ‘The One With The Three Brothers’ 
[aka 'Baby Cart at The River Styx'] (1972)

  Here our gruff hero is charged with killing one of those guys who seems only to be carried around in a palanquin. He is the rightful heir to some important position, and it's important that he is dead. The problem is that he’s protected by three heavily armed brothers with distinctive weaponry who wear giant wooden hats. Though they are deadly, the final battle scene looks like a particularly bloody episode of Bill and Ben the Flowerpot men.
A great shot, which took all of my screen-grabbing skills.

More distracting was the resemblance of the man in the palanquin to a male, Japanese version of England’s own Gemma Arteron (sorry I couldn't get the picture to that!). This is another strong episode of Lone Wolf and Cub, even though the final battle is not as epic as later ones. However, there are numerous showdowns before the final conclusion, and a huge number of limbs severed. A brutal scene at the beginning has a ninja's limbs, ear and nose lopped off by a group of female assassins. There is also a particularly claustrophobic scene where Wolf and Cub escape from a boat-on-fire
Flaming Dreamboat ahoy

After swimming to shore, for the first time the Wolf seems to be exhausted. As he recovers, father and son bond, and deal with assassins, including an odd scene where Wolf, Cub and a female assassin hug naked together for warmth. He recovers, and has the energy to eventually defeat: a convoy of guards, the three brothers, and the palanquin man himself. Out of spite, he also destroys a perfectly good palanquin. Interestingly, there is a woman who attacks our man with a whip, who when sliced at, falls out of her clothes and bounces off backwards in a grey body stocking. Perhaps it’s a Japanese ghost, perhaps an apt metaphor for life itself, either way I'm unsure. Another woman, initially an assassin, again falls for our man, the final scene is her, doe-eyed, looking towards our Wolf, who is heading for the horizon...
What is it with Japanese Chicks and Violent Men?









3 – ‘The One With The Battle In A Quarry’ 
[aka 'Baby Cart To Hades'] (1972)

  This has possibly the finest leading lady of the bunch and the best end fight of them all. This is the first one to show that the kid was getting stronger and the same stoicism as his father figure. However, it is also the most rape-heavy of the bunch. Perhaps it’s Japanese sensibility, but an extended rape of a mother and daughter, followed by a guy being killed by his prostitute, was a bit much for a hungover Sunday morning. Again we find out that she is doing it after losing her family. The Wolf, staying in the same lodgings as her, protects her and defends her honour. A gang which owns her now comes to punish her, but the Wolf is punished in her place; he is beaten and dunked by the gang, but survives without any serious worries.
It does look pretty unpleasant though.

The gang, led by a foxy little creature in short-shorts follows him around, while he also offends a clan by sheltering with an exiled clan of actors. This offended gang gets together with Retsudo's underlings, and they combine forces. A giant army is dispatched to kill the wolf, who’s only weapons are: guile, combat skills and some grenades and guns in the pram which hadn’t been mentioned before.
It's like 300 but on a 1/300 scale.


The end result: a quarry more filled with corpses than the one in Syracuse after the failed invasion by Athens  in 415 B.C. (What? Too soon?). All of the army dead but one, an honourable samurai who was cast out and made a ronin through an uncaring and duplicitous master, he is given 'closure' when he is killed by the Wolf in an honourable duel. The end shows the female gang leader (in the world's shortest shorts), looking to follow the gruff, nearly-silent, overweight mass-murderer...
she's hot, but... that hat?

...but her underlings rightly point out that he’s a monster rather than a man. An accusation that I have had thrown at me, so I sympathise.


Hope you've enjoyed this, Parts 4 - 6 Soon! (Update - Now available here, go ahead, give it a click and while you're at it, why not click one of the tailored ads just below us?

Also, because I've just learned how, here's a video from the Third One: