You Zoos, You Lose*

As the title suggests, I love zoos, and I've been to a lot of them. Well, I like seeing animals while I'm there, but I don't like thinking that the best way for them to still exist on this planet is for us to put them in cages or designated game reserves, that's a little depressing. Seeing apes, big cats, bears, or anything else in a cage, bored, is depressing, and learning that they are all endangered because we as a species can't stop killing things is pretty bad too... Ok, let's just say I like looking at animals, and other than a horse and some pigs near my house, I can't really see any (actually, there are loads of seals nearby too) - but I meant exotic animals. Jeez. That was exhausting, have a list of the best zoos I have been to (plus an aquarium).

N.B. The following are photos taken by me, and are of the most interesting things I could find which didn't have people in them (no matter how much you want to see me looking at a three foot grasshopper model in Austria, it ain't going up here - animals only).

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5. Osaka Aquarium Osaka Aquarium Kaiyukan

The aquarium was great, and I really enjoyed being able to see over everyone's heads to get a good view  (this is less a 'Japanese-people-are-small' stereotype, instead it is more an indication that I was there when a lot of school children were too.) As an aquarium it's incredible, it's in a huge area, and it had some great stuff inside the massive tanks. As well as your more usual types of sharks, fish, and jellyfish there were more interesting things like Japanese Spider Crabs, Manta Rays, and a whale shark.

this sun-fish was enormous, but a note said that it was to be re-released into an unsuspecting sea. 

Japanese Spider Crab: the looks of a spider, the convenience of a crab

Whale Shark, or 'King of the Fish' in a mind-bogglingly large enclosure

There was also a Japanese rainforest bit, which had some great animals in it, the best being the Giant Salamander, but because of the humidity, I couldn't take pictures. Although there were large bits which had animals instead of fish and other marine animals, this loses marks by not being technically a zoo (which is a harsh but fair distinction).

 For example, penguins!

On a tangent: there's also a friggin' huge ferris wheel next to the aquarium, which I went on and nearly froze to death. I just looked that Ferris Wheel up, and was surprised to learn that it was part of an arms race for countries to own the tallest ferris wheel in the world. For a time this one in Osaka was the world's tallest, then one in Tokyo, then the London Eye, then a Chinese one. A Singaporean abomination is currently the tallest in the world. It is 54 stories high, and can hold nearly 800 people! When will it end?

Shall I give a rating? Who are you to stop me?

Rating: 3 1/2 Caged Animals (out of five)

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4. Taronga Zoo, Sydney http://taronga.org.au/taronga-zoo

 I grew up in Sydney, and this zoo has gone from being pretty grim, but in a nice setting, to being a pretty damn good zoo. Before, the animals enclosures were tiny and allowed you to see only the animals, and focused more on Australian-only animals. These native animals are still there, but there has been a reach into the wider world since then. Anyway, I have only been as recently as 2006, when there was still a lot of work going on (the famous white tiger cubs weren't there yet, and the elephants were still in a pretty grim cage enclosure, and the tropical rainforest thing was still being made - all of this is now different). By all accounts it's better now, but even then it had some good stuff, such as the walkabout; and a great thing on lizards and snakes.

That distant blob in that tree is a koala: This was taken in 2006 on a camera worse than the one on my phone now!

Now that's a dragon. It looks fake, until it mauls you.

Also, the setting is great, and there is a cable car which takes you from the bottom of the hill to the top if you get the ferry there, I would always look down and see crocodiles. I would love to see it now it's a bit more finished. But I probably never will...

This was electrified fence, such is the might of the rhino!

It's in a great location (see background) but I think zebras and giraffes don't particularly like each other, it looks clique-y.

On a tangent: Let's ignore the fact that as an eight year old, my friends family and I watched a monkey masturbate to a cheering crowd. Or that here an emu stole my shoelace, thinking it was a worm (I suppose). On my most recent visit, I was looking at gorillas, and outside that is an illustration showing how our evolution and theirs have diverged. Of course, most of our past is the same, and only more recently have major diversions occurred. Next to this, an American couple were debating whether it was appropriate to have information on evolution in a family zoo (I remember thinking 'as opposed to an adult zoo?'). The woman said "I don't know, I'm yet to make up my mind" about evolution, while the man said "I'm still undecided" they both agreed it should be taken down. They had at least 7 kids rampaging around.

Rating: 3 1/2 Caged animals

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3. Edinburgh Zoo http://www.edinburghzoo.org.uk/

Another zoo I have been to as both a child and as an adult is Edinburgh. It has changed since then in both good and bad ways. To illustrate, in an effort to conserve more animals world wide, there is a move away from every zoo having  the 'glamorous' animals; while Edinburgh now has a great range of big cats, in nice enclosures, there is no longer a gorilla enclosure, and the elephants are gone. There are now Pandas, mountain hyrax, and red mountain hogs. The most famous thing of the zoo, at least until those fame-hungry bamboo-gobblers arrived, was the penguin walk, where the penguins are given the option to have a stroll, look at the people, and go back to their large, penguin-filled enclosure.

Pretty close, huh?

Proud of this picture, he was going f-f-fast.

Also, I have a huge soft spot for both the cassowary and the pygmy hippo, and these two come close to sharing a cage. The Badongo Trail, for chimps, is the largest in Europe, and they seem to be having a great time eating, sleeping, and sticking their fingers in each others red asses. There are loads of other great animals, the tapir is lovely, and a keeper explained that the rhinos are adolescent males, and therefore insane. Obviously, the pandas are good (but not good enough to get a clear photo of).

Another creature which looks fake, but which I would gladly have as a pet.

Rhino being fed, he also has some blood under his horn from where he and his brother / mate were fighting. I watched them being fed, this one ate boiled eggs and cabbage (seriously). 

On a tangent: on my vision there during the Edinburgh Festival , there was a novelty exhibit of 'Homo Sapiens' in one of the enclosures: a variety of people, in different coloured jumpsuits.
The one in red, a Chinese guy who stared at everyone who came in, was frightening until I saw him nipping off for a cigarette and a pee. there were at least three others, but the one which concerned me was the woman in blue, huddled in the corner like an abused cousin.

I 'otter' put up another picture...

A good zoo, with good bits, but some explained omissions, and a few of the cages are still a bit run down:

Rating: 4 Caged Animals.

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2. San Diego Zoo http://www.sandiegozoo.org/

I went there in the year 2000, which is comfortably before we got a digital camera: this means there are no pictures, so I'll 'remember' and then 'tell.'

There were pandas, elephants, gorillas, chimps, and big cats (the big cats were being moved into better environments when we were there, it was a little small for them when we were there). There was a hippo enclosure where you could watch the hippos from above, or peer through a window to see the murky water where they spray their muck for territory (you don't see that in Dumbo, do you?).

The place was colossal, and even going in one of those dorky zoo-train buses around the place, and in a cable car over it, we still only saw a fraction of the stuff that was there. There was also, included in the ticket admission to sea land, which was an aquarium, but we didn't even get around to it. They also had howler monkeys, who you could hear pretty much all around the zoo, they inflate their neck sacks with air, and then unleash pure noise for ages. The whole thing reminded me of bagpipes, but they were so noisy you couldn't help but feel sorry for the other animals who had to listen to them.

This zoo was great, and we drove there from Los Angeles with a guided tourbus. The guide who drove us was a very camp failed actor, who gossiped non-stop about which actors were and weren't gay (Keanu REeves = gay!). He was a joy. Anyway, sorry about the lack of pictures, but it was in the age before digital cameras.

On a tangent: Hardly anybody goes to America without complaining of fat people. Our fondest memories from Disneyworld were the 'maximum weight limit 350lbs' signs in front of most rides. At this zoo, a fat kid walked behind us as we ate churros (which are like a crinkled, super-sweet donut, but straight) and saying "Oh god, I would eat a churro, I would eat one right now!" as he looked at us. We walked away, and he toddled after us saying "I would eat a giant churro, I would even eat bits that people broke off their own churros to give to me." We just watched him and went to look at the chimps.

Rating: 4 1/2 Caged Animals 

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1. Vienna Zoo http://www.zoovienna.at/en/

I didn't enjoy Vienna on the whole. I went during the soccer tournament in 2008 (which I didn't even know was on!) and found the main central square covered in soccer stuff, and filled with things to keep soccer fans happy (shiny things mainly.) The city itself was filled with morons in coloured shirts, and English people challenging people to fights, despite the fact that England didn't qualify. Austrian people themselves were generally unhelpful, but I'm willing to concede that that was down to having half of Europe crammed into their country. Interestingly, we were there when the whole 'Josef Fritzl' thing was really taking off, but I digress. There were some good things, such as the food, the enormous steins of beer, and the zoo, which is large but still takes up only a small part of an enormous grounds to some palace.

This place had its own zoo in the grounds. Damn rich Austrians.

We weren't expecting a great deal (the map is to scale, and makes the zoo look like a quarter of the gardens, little did we know the gardens were the size of a large town). We were pleasantly surprised by the animals there (there was pretty much everything 'glamorous' you can think of: elephants, pandas, polar bears, big cats), and the cages were good.

A tortoise, or 'land seaturtle'

A rhino takes a dip.

There was also a good rainforest thing which was like a greenhouse, where you could go and hang with fruitbats, hanging upside down just near you. This zoo had the best variety of animals I've seen in any zoo, and generally the animals were given respectful cages. I was also surprised by how cheap it was too. Highly recommended (even if you have to go to Vienna to get there).

Giant anteaters look like fountain pens come to life. They kick ass.

Either a panda or a bloke in a panda suit. Same thing.

On a tangent: more animal related than the ones before, but there were two islands created, one had gibbons on it, the other had lemurs: they were surrounded by moats, but could still reach each other when they threw things at each other. I watched this for ages. Nearby, in one of the greenhouse type enclosures you can walk around, there was a three-toed sloth hanging wild above our heads, snoring contentedly; I considered taking photos, but didn't want a sloth dropping on my head.

Well, I didn't take this.

Rating: Five Caged animals!

In conclusion: I could also mention Singapore aquarium, which had a dugong if I remember correctly, and Sydney aquarium, which had just about everything and was a great GREAT place to go to when high, because of the large amounts of really colourful fish there (or so i'm told), but I didn't want two Sydney things in; I think I've also been to London, Bristol, Hamerton, Wellington zoos, but they don't make the cut.

Furthermore, I'm well aware that listing five different zoos on four different continents is at best, pretentious, at worst, positive asshole behaviour, but fell free to let me know anyway.

* - As a hilarious 'joke' - I originally entitled this piece 'Zoophilia' a mild pun on the term Zoophilia (a person who loves zoos) and Zoophilia (the person sexually attracted to animals) - After an unwanted couple of emails from some of the second group, I've changed it to the title it has now. The important thing is, I'm learning valuable life lessons all over the place.