TV Show ideas

TV in Britain is filled with gems, but with so many channels to choose from, it's getting harder and harder to find good stuff. Here are six ideas to improve the entertainment available to the British public.

Dancing In The Dark: As its name suggests, a cross between Dating in the Dark (where superficial, shallow people meet and try to date in the dark, before the lights come on and the good looking ones choose the other good looking ones), and Dancing on Ice / Dancing with the stars (where people dance and are judged). If you were to combine the two, you'd really have a show on your hands. Gasp! As we use infra-red to watch a couple bump into a table. Laugh! as we hear a chubby newscaster fall and squash the skinny Romanian dance partner he was assigned! Cheer! as it becomes a ratings hit. [Radio version also available].

Potential Screen Shot: Tell me that wouldn't be great TV.

Biggest loser (extreme version): An new twist on a classic idea (if it ain't broke, don't fix it!) - get the usual group of chubbers who inhabit the Biggest loser, give them a chance to lose weight, but if they don't, have them killed, rendered, and sold to Japanese whalers for them to do 'scientific' research on. Also, no sob-stories, if any of these fat people cry, they are killed instantly, this segment could be called 'if you blubber, you become blubber.'

Porno Island: Basically an extended version of 'Castaway', a show about posh kids chosen to be stranded on an island while they show off, gossip, argue and flirt. The only difference being, that instead of the night time breaks the show currently has, the cameras never stop rolling, so we get the pleasure of watching horrible 19 year old tosspots have full penetrative intercourse, and screeching, apologetic orgasms live on TV. Hearing a guy called Jake shout 'Crumbs' on climax should be enough to start a revolution to abolish the landed gentry. Also, tell me E4's ratings wouldn't go up when that was on. Sponsored by 'The Masturbator's Alliance'


Garden Wars: A BBQ in Reading has gone wrong, and two angry BBQ Dads wish violence on each other. After copious amounts of booze, they decide to settle their differences, not with words, but with weapons found in the shed. Who will get the hoe? Who will get the rake? Will there be a fly-mo drive by? Tune in next episode, there's no 'No trowel and error' here, it's a fight to the death, or at least loss of limbs. Hosted by Alan Titchmarsh.

Davina loses money: The Million Pound Drop Live, hosted by Davina Mccall, is, for those not familiar, a gameshow where a couple (almost always comprised of two stupid people), answer a series of questions, to keep the million pounds they are given. They can hedge their bets, but any money put on the wrong answer is lost. If they have any money left after answering 7 (I think) questions correctly, they get to keep what is left. I think that someone has won £250,000, but I've only ever seen a couple win £50,000. Anyway, to make this more interesting, instead of Davina standing by the side, offering useless advice, and still getting paid, she should put up the money herself. There would be a genuine sense of puzzlement to her face, and joy on mine, as she lost another £800,000 to a stupid couple from Stevenage.

'Fearne Cotton and Terry Wogan 'R' Executed': An easy one to explain, Fearne and Terry host a show, but they are informed that whenever one of them makes a certain comment, they will be killed by trained marksmen. For example, Fearne is told not describe the latest marginally talented boy-band she is introducing as "wicked", or she is killed; Terry is told to keep a comment less than a minute long, and not mention either how handsome he is, or how much he loves JLS, or he dies. The show would last less than thirty seconds.

Chris Moyle's 15th TV show: Because 'Live with Chris Moyles,' The 'Chris Moyles Show,' 'The Villa,' Those episodes of 'Big Brother's Big Mouth,' 'The Chris Moyles Quiz Night' all failing is apparently not enough for producers to realise that he is fat and talentless, why not give him another show? [N.B. as I looked this up, I have discovered that his quiz show is now on it's fifth series, and he has been given a new show co-hosted with Stacey Solomon, a well known illiterate. The show is a dating show called the Love Machine - It is for reasons like this that prove that if there is a God, he has abandoned the planet earth].