As someone who has been the pawn in an ongoing adolescence for the last, oh, 16 years, I know a thing or two about pimples. Partly its genetics, partly it's poor diet and lifestyle, but from time to time I still can rustle up one or more of these pimples: between the ages of about 12 and 16, I had pretty terrible skin, and am lucky to be left without scars I would have thought, so I know of what I speak. this also makes it annoying that I can't grow a beard to this very day. N.B. Please be aware that I find this disgusting, but can't be bothered to write about less unpleasant things. For the sake of entertainment, I'll rate them all out of 5.
The Facechanger (a.k.a. Day Ruiner) - The perfect storm: it hurts when forming, forms in a terrible place so that you feel it constantly, and is too painful to squeeze so you have to sit it out. If it forms on one of the folds of your cheek, it can effect the way that you talk until it makes its long-awaited exit. Can lay there for weeks at a time. Often thumb-sized. A terror. *****
Pore-tease - Something which you think is going to turn into a Face Changer, but ends up as a regular pimple. **1/2
Colombo - A pimple of any kind which you think you have got everything out of, but 'one more squeeze' brings forth more from its puss-filled treasure chest. **
Day Long Worry - When you are out for the day, either at work or on holiday, and you can feel a pimple somewhere on your face but can't check a mirror, and can't deal with it, so you have to worry about it all day. Between 0 and **** depending on situation and severity.
Haemophiliac - Any pimple which bleeds profusely, so much so that you fear you may have squeezed an artery so hard it burst. Tends to happen on first dates or job interviews. ***1/2 (bad but can be staunched)
Flirt Stopper - Any pimple which plays on yoru mind to stop hitting on people in bars, shops, or anywhere else that good times are had. ***
Golden Boy - That perfect combination of all pimple elements. A well-formed head, well-defined edges, solid puss that hits the mirror and then heals quickly. A joy. 0 Stars (on the inconvenience scale)
Golden Boy Jr. - Probably better than it's more formed brother. a huge blackhead which is easily squeezed, gives out a huge, waxy deposit to play with, and then leaves an aethestically pleasing hole. A joy (if you suffer from pimples). 0 Stars.
Dreadnought - Something which you feel forming, fearing that it will be a 'Facechanger' but which luckily comes to nothing. *
The Unwanted Houseguest - A possibly-unique-to-me pimple which looks like a small mark, but at any time, I can squeeze an enormous amount of pus from. It's utterly repellent and I've even been to the Drs about. However, it remains invisible unless I am tanned, and I live in Scotland. Problem: solved. Hideous ****
The Lurker - Any pimple which lurks under the skin without forming a head you can squeeze. Severity depends on the size and soreness of the pimple. * - ****
The Zombie - A pimple you think you have dispatched with, but lingers around for up to a week before healing - or worse, reforming because you didn't get all the gunk out of it. ****
The Bulger - Anything which causes a bulge in your face. One particularly shitty one I remember was the size of a malteaser and nearly killed me when I dealt with it. * - ****
Childhood Sweethearts - Two regular pimples which mutate into a monster when they form fully because they are in neighbouring pores. Irritating, particularly if they are the only two pimples you have! * - ***
Sui-Sebum - the feeling you get when you wake up, look in a mirror and have a variety of pimples on you that will prevent you from functioning as an adult, and make you want to kill yourself. ****1/2, or ****** out of 5 if they involve more than one 'Facechanger'
Limple - Pimple on the lip, or on the edge of the lip. Another one which varies depending on severity. A big question though, if it was big, would it be better to pass off as a pimple, or as a coldsore? ***
The Hair Bear (aka the 'Rambo') -Any pimple, large or small, which hangs out within your hairline, watching and waiting. * - ****
In conclusion: My skin was never 'that' bad, but I hope now you can see why people hate people who say 'oh, I never had pimples,' or acne medication adverts that use people who've never had a pimple in their life as the 'before.' Clearasil I'm looking at you.
The Facechanger (a.k.a. Day Ruiner) - The perfect storm: it hurts when forming, forms in a terrible place so that you feel it constantly, and is too painful to squeeze so you have to sit it out. If it forms on one of the folds of your cheek, it can effect the way that you talk until it makes its long-awaited exit. Can lay there for weeks at a time. Often thumb-sized. A terror. *****
Pore-tease - Something which you think is going to turn into a Face Changer, but ends up as a regular pimple. **1/2
Colombo - A pimple of any kind which you think you have got everything out of, but 'one more squeeze' brings forth more from its puss-filled treasure chest. **
Day Long Worry - When you are out for the day, either at work or on holiday, and you can feel a pimple somewhere on your face but can't check a mirror, and can't deal with it, so you have to worry about it all day. Between 0 and **** depending on situation and severity.
Haemophiliac - Any pimple which bleeds profusely, so much so that you fear you may have squeezed an artery so hard it burst. Tends to happen on first dates or job interviews. ***1/2 (bad but can be staunched)
Flirt Stopper - Any pimple which plays on yoru mind to stop hitting on people in bars, shops, or anywhere else that good times are had. ***
Golden Boy - That perfect combination of all pimple elements. A well-formed head, well-defined edges, solid puss that hits the mirror and then heals quickly. A joy. 0 Stars (on the inconvenience scale)
Golden Boy Jr. - Probably better than it's more formed brother. a huge blackhead which is easily squeezed, gives out a huge, waxy deposit to play with, and then leaves an aethestically pleasing hole. A joy (if you suffer from pimples). 0 Stars.
Dreadnought - Something which you feel forming, fearing that it will be a 'Facechanger' but which luckily comes to nothing. *
The Unwanted Houseguest - A possibly-unique-to-me pimple which looks like a small mark, but at any time, I can squeeze an enormous amount of pus from. It's utterly repellent and I've even been to the Drs about. However, it remains invisible unless I am tanned, and I live in Scotland. Problem: solved. Hideous ****
The Lurker - Any pimple which lurks under the skin without forming a head you can squeeze. Severity depends on the size and soreness of the pimple. * - ****
The Zombie - A pimple you think you have dispatched with, but lingers around for up to a week before healing - or worse, reforming because you didn't get all the gunk out of it. ****
The Bulger - Anything which causes a bulge in your face. One particularly shitty one I remember was the size of a malteaser and nearly killed me when I dealt with it. * - ****
Childhood Sweethearts - Two regular pimples which mutate into a monster when they form fully because they are in neighbouring pores. Irritating, particularly if they are the only two pimples you have! * - ***
Sui-Sebum - the feeling you get when you wake up, look in a mirror and have a variety of pimples on you that will prevent you from functioning as an adult, and make you want to kill yourself. ****1/2, or ****** out of 5 if they involve more than one 'Facechanger'
Limple - Pimple on the lip, or on the edge of the lip. Another one which varies depending on severity. A big question though, if it was big, would it be better to pass off as a pimple, or as a coldsore? ***
The Hair Bear (aka the 'Rambo') -Any pimple, large or small, which hangs out within your hairline, watching and waiting. * - ****
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| A recreation of me, aged 12-16. [source] |
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