Lessons learned from speed dating.

As a favour for a friend, I spent last weekend as one of the 'males' in a speed-dating section. It was fun. Because the men were outnumbered 3-1, we went for an interesting scenario. The women would get to talk to all the guys in turn for three minutes, while the guys weren't allowed to say anything. When this was done, the guys got to speak for a minute, this time with the girls were unable to speak. At the end you found people you liked and then chatted to them, with booze supplied. The initial part of being talked to without responding, was both weird (it's tough to speak for a minute without anyone responding, let alone three), and informative.

You can tell a lot about someone by how they present themselves immediately, and in three minutes you can tell an awful lot about a lot of people. So, I, and all the guys, used our minutes intelligently. Anyone crazy, you give them a minute where you're boring, anyone nice seeming, you make the effort. Knowledge was power. Anyway, here are things I learnt from three minute monologues.

1. Most 3 minutes cover a lot - school, work, travel experiences, and the things they enjoy doing. This is good. Others hinted at personality problems (ex-boyfriends, being a bitch, being stupid etc) which was useful in using your own minute to them, Most people also found time to show me their tattoos too, which wasn't unoriginal at all. I really don't get it, even educated, intelligent people now have tattoos. What the fuck?

2. Fair play to the girls who said basically the same things 6 times (6 guys were there) for three minutes, I was so bored and tired at the end of 10 minutes talking to people that I mainly just yawned or stopped talking early. I also hate repeating myself, which made it, and dating in general, problematic for me.

3. Some girls describe themselves as 'mad' or 'wacky' - those people are alcoholics or use deliberate affectations to distance themselves from the mainstream, respectively.

4. Most people were there for fun (or because they knew the girl who runs the event), and were joking around, which made the thing more relaxing. I was worried initially that it wouldn't be fun, but it pretty much was. The most terrifying thing though, was the girls there who were genuinely looking for Mr. Right - a man who doesn't exist. A dating tip I've found out is that you aren't going to find a partner in a night club who isn't a piece of shit, and the same applies for speed dating. Meet through friends, at parties, or just creep on people in laundro-mattes (how I met my first wife). I know people who say internet dating isn't as bad as you'd think, but I don't have any experience with it. Anyway, speed dating isn't a great hope. I don't think I'm being sexist here by thinking that the guys weren't looking for relationships, just a good time and maybe some sex.

5. A lot of people work in H.R. - a job which is pointless and useless, and actually negative to most companies productivity. It will probably go down as one of the great scams of our time, especially as head of H.R. is typically enormously overpaid. H.R. is only not pointless to the people who do H.R.

6. A lot of girls say that they want a tall boyfriend, but forget that they have to wear high heels everywhere, which hurts them, and then complain that you are too tall. I maintain that you have to be 5 foot 9 or over to get anywhere near me. It's practical.

6A. People say they want someone who can make them laugh. This is untrue. Girls want muscles, and guys want someone to have sex with. Next. 

7. Looks: I went to a party a few years ago where I dressed as a woman. A friend plastered me in foundation, makeup and fake-tan, and I wore fake eyelashes, lipstick, mascara, and a wig. It was hellish, and I didn't look real anymore. I looked like Katy Perry. Even at that level though, I still couldn't match at least three of the girls at the speed dating. Wearing that much makeup is hideous, and you're only lying to yourself. The first time someone sees you without makeup will freak them out (all pimples and blackheads are removed) - the only people stupid enough to fall for it are nightclub guys, who will then treat you like shit because they're nightclub guys. Don't wear a tonne of makeup and then say that all men are pigs. So, what I learned was, people who wear a tonne of makeup are nightmares, and I'd be surprised if there were any exceptions.

8. Single life is fine, and fun. however, if you're single and want to meet someone, I can imagine that is hellishly frustrating. Hellish. If I was taking this thing seriously I'd be very disappointed, luckily I wasn't, and still met a couple of nice people out of it.

9. A surprising amount of girls were either obviously in love with their past boyfriend (a girl said I looked just like him), were devastated by being used by men, or had obvious daddy issues. My advice to them (though I didn't offer it at the time) was you don't need someone by your side if you're not ok with yourself. Actually if I'd said that I would have had a horrible fake nail embedded in my cheek for the foreseeable future.

In conclusion, After this talking to each other thing, the night changed and we were allowed to just talk to each other. and get drinks. I think that worked better. The mix of people there was good, but I'd still rather just meet through more organic ways. Also, the 'guys v girls' mentality of these events isn't great, and my friend who runs the thing should just do what everyone else does: provide alcohol, dim the lights and try not to intervene.

In Praise Of #10 - Samurai Jack

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first 'In Praise of', in ages. Today's feature is the Animated cartoon Samurai Jack, and some spoilers follow. This is a show which is vastly underseen, and vastly underrated. I'm yet to meet anyone who's seen more than a few episodes who hasn't loved it (and loved isn't a word I use lightly). I caught the first series on cartoon network (I used to watch it before going to work - I know), years ago. From there I bought the DVDs, and then got my then girlfriend and a couple of friends into it. All of them scoffed at first, too.

 The story follows a samurai whose real name isn't given, although he is named Jack by some onlookers early on. and his battles with Aku, an evil shape-shifting sorcerer. After besieging Jack's homeland and enslaving his family, Jack and Aku battle, where he is Jack is sent forward in time to a dystopian future, where Aku's reign is now absolute, Jack's allies having been subdued. from here he tries to gain revenge and return back to his own time. All this is spelled out in the excellent introduction, although the plot is often irrelevant, as it follows Jack through various, seemingly unrelated adventures and mischiefs. Jack's quest to destroy Aku seems immensely one-sided, he is seemingly invincible to anything other than a magic sword, and can travel through space and time. However, it is hinted that Jack has allies other than The Scotsman, voiced by Bender from Futurama, I mean John DiMaggio. Jack is voiced by Phil LaMarr, or Hermes Conrad from Futurama, or the guy who gets shot in the car in Pulp Fiction, and despite being the title character, is rarely talkative. He is however, Stoic, heroic, friendly when needed and immensely skilled as a warrior. Aku's voice is provided by Mako, and is a highlight of the show, and of my own repertoire.

Other than these three, very few characters are in more than an episode, and this creates a vast world where literally anything can happen. Episodes often deal with Jack overcoming an obstacle, but the obstacles vary hugely: from city-sized robots, to a haunted house, to being turned into a chicken. this disjointedness suggests Jack's solitude in seeking justice, and also allows for episodes to vary wildly in tone and humour levels. For example, we are shown a quite in depth depiction of the beginnings of the human race as the gods looks on in one episode, and in another Jack must find a way to replace his shoes, or find clothing while being stuck in a bizarre pastiche of Alice in wonderland. This difference allows for huge difference in characters too, from happy jungle-dwelling creatures and scientist dogs, to stern faced warriors such as Demongo, who can collect souls and use them to fight Jack. There are literally dozens of enemies and characters, and they are largely drawn very well, both artistically and emotionally. 

One thing which sets this show up from a regular cartoon is the emotional stake involved. For example, one episode follows three assassins plotting, explaining their reasons for killing Jack. At the end, Jack avoids their traps, but leaves them having to deal with enslavement and loss of family for disappointing Aku. Another, excellent episode has a robot who has broken his programming and has learned to love his pet dog. His dying wish is for the dog to be looked after. In other episodes Jack is saved by his allies or sheer luck, the sense of character bubble of a regular show is nonexistant. Vital questions of the show are deliberately left unanswered, leaving a sense of mystery unusual in any show, let alone one ostensibly aimed at children.

At the same time, other episodes seem to acknowledge that this is a kids show, as seen in the relatively straightforward episodes where Jack learns to jump good, or dance at a rave show. Further episodes acknowledge the juxtaposition of violence and moral dilemmas with cartoons more subversively, notably in the episode 'Aku's Fairy Tales,' where the show provides a brilliant parody of itself. The story and the artistic ideas come from Genndy Tarkovskoy, the creative mind behind the surprisingly subversive Dexters Laboratory, and The Powerpuff Girls, although I admit that I've only seen them in passing

  Samurai Jack's art and direction is bold and stylish, and is often incredibly beautiful. This is particularly true of landscapes. Many episodes are bold and colourful, but some of the landscapes are haunting, much more sparsely, suggestively detailed than anything on Cartoon network really should be. Often scenes are allowed to develop, showing Jack slowly crossing a boldly drawn, breath-taking landscape. The art is at its best not only on landscapes, but in the battle scenes, which are suggestive and use any number of techniques to suggest different styles: modern art, Japanese anime, or other forms such as split screen action. It's often breathtaking, and it's obvious why it won so many awards. The music also plays a part, epic, oriental styled, and atmospheric, it sets the mood perfectly, especially the low hum chanting which plays whenever Aku is seen plotting or manically talking to himself.

 Variously poetic, violent, silly, and thoughtful, it's also aware of other things which have influenced it, acknowledging them in knowing winks. To illustrate, the original Star Wars movies pop up a few times, and Jack even meets the similarly themed Lone Wolf and Cub, Lady Snowblood, and even Totoro. the show itself has influenced others directly. To illustrate, the episode Jack and the Spartans helped to define the visual style and theme (though not the homo-eroticism) for '300' - and the visual style is also aped at the dream sequence at the beginning of Kung Fu Panda. In my opinion, it will go from being a cult favourite to being viewed as one of the best shows of the early 21st century. As Jack's voice, Phil LaMarr, said in an interview "I feel like it hasn’t gotten enough recognition, because it was just so, so good. I mean, it’s one of the few things I’ve been a part of that I feel pretty confident I can sit anybody down in front of it, and they will find something to enjoy about it. Grown-ups, kids, old people, babies—you respond to the colours, to the action, to the epic mythological underpinnings. Whatever it is, there’s something there that will blow you away." [source]

That's not to say that it's perfect, however. While the juxtaposition of epic, serious episodes and comic episodes is sometimes terrific; some of the less intense episodes fail: I'm looking at you, Jack and the giant underwater sea monkeys, or the one where Jack goes becomes naked; there's also a terrible episode where Jack has to look after a baby. However, the troughs are rare and far outweighed by the creative peaks of so many of the episodes, so a bizarre flight of fancy inside a Dragon's stomach plays out like an intense, psychodelic piece of televisual magic, instead of being too bizarre to enjoy. Because it's a cartoon, it rarely shows any violence happening to people, although a lot of robots are slaughtered, often needlessly, spurting oil as though it was blood, which can become repetitive, particularly if you're watching several episodes in a row. Also, the first season is the most broadly drawn, later seasons definitely get better, it's still excellent though.

Furthermore, there are other flaws. The theme tune was written and performed by noted cretin Will.I.Am. From a plot standpoint, there are plotholes and elements which aren't explained properly (for example, why does Jack seek to return to the past instead of merely murdering Aku and accepting life in the future?)
Also fights get a little too repetitive, epecially if you watch the whole thing in a week. Jack strips to the waist, shouts 'AKU!!' , outruns bullets and maims robots dozens of times throughout the series, something which the show itself acknowledges.

Furthermore, the whole thing is left open-ended, which is either interesting or irritating depending on mood, although several episodes hint at what the future holds for Jack. A movie was promised to conclude the series, but as the show hasn't been on the air for like 7 years, it looks unlikely. The fact that Mako, the voice of the insane and terrific Aku has died also doesn't help. Possibly, the show hints that it was running of steam by the end of the last season - it may be blasphemous to say, but it's  probably just as well it didn't get another season, as it may perhaps have ruined the mystique.

I haven't watched it in a fair while, though I can still remember favourites very vividly, and have been greedily watching them again recently (seriously, how long can a half season break be for Breaking bad go on for?) The following episodes are fondly remembered highlights, note that there were only 52 episodes- this had a high strike rate.

It Begins - a three piece beginning of the whole story, which work brilliantly together to show the strengths and stlye of the the show. Also,Jack vs Evil Jack, and Aku's Virus -two episodes which showed that Jack was corruptable, and had to deal with the negative urges we all have to quash. The same also goes for a multi-part episode where Jack gets amnesia, but it's not on the highlight list, as amnesia is too overused in television shows (or is it?). Jack's meetings with the Scotsman tend to be terrific as well, none moreso than their antagonistic introduction on a seemingly endless bridge.

Other highlights include Demongo the soul collector, a great enemy of Jack, which requires all of his guile to overcome, and the brilliant, but indescribable Jack and the green gal in the desert, while the previously mentioned Aku's Fairy Tales is the best of the subversive, self-aware style episode of Samurai Jack, as well as being probably one of the funniest episodes. Other great episodes include Jack and the Creature, where Jack encounters a beast which is a combination of Totoro and a murderer, while Jack and the travelling creatures, and Jack and the Zombies are exciting and important to the plot, as is Jack and the Hunters. Those last three episodes are action-packed, imaginative, and really tightly plotted, as well as beautifully rendered.

More pensive episodes include the award winning Four Seasons of Death, or the sad Jack Remembers the Past. This emotional heft is also visible in the episode where Jack fights 3 assassins, or the previously mentioned episode with K-9 the dog. These all deal with human emotion, and the sadness of loss and inevitability of decline over time. Other than these, personal favourites for me include Jack and the Haunted House, Jack and the Three Blind Archers (I think the first episode I ever saw) and the epic 'Birth of Evil,' which is astonishing in its scope and ambition.

In conclusion. This is proof that television shouldn't be aimed specifically at anyone, as anyone can and will enjoy it. It has beautiful scenes and is at times, funny, sad, pensive, thoughtful, playful, scary, and intelligent, on top of it all it's hugely imaginative and really entertaining. Check it out. 

Note, will add pictures later, as well as proofread - but have been incredibly busy. 

6 Shitty Modern Movies Everyone Loves

Yeah, yeah. More hating, what are you going to do? Not read? That's ok. The following are movies which seem to remain popular and which critics and commentators seem to appreciate, but which I think don't deserve the adoration. Close to making the list, The Avengers, Up In The Air, Monsters, and any number of others. The Dark Knight Rises would be here but I've already mentioned it. The good reviews that got when it first came out are proof that critics are influenced by studios into giving good reviews, as anyone with half a brain could see it was horseshit. The following are more overrated movies.

6. Wall-E

For whatever reason, this got the best reviews ever. It's got some great, beautiful, scenes, but man does it go on too long. Also, the whole 'romance despite being able to say one word only thing' got really annoying really fast. Which is a shame as that's one of the central tenants of the movie. Also there was a half baked notion not to trust technology, as well as to appreciate the earth and don't sit in a pod all the time. It's a good looking movie, but not one I'd rewatch endlessly. A Special Mention, also, to Pixar's Up, which is all downhill after the first few minutes.

5. Knocked Up

 I really don't get the appeal of this. I admit that I am generally not a fan of Judd Apataow movies, mainly because they're comedy movies which aren't funny. This applies especially here, it's filled with failed gross-out jokes, unlikeable characters who you couldn't possibly care about, and makes awkward nods to societal problems. The result isn't entertaining, funny, or interesting. She's nearly fired for being pregnant? Interesting. She kicks the idiot who knocked her up out of the car and screams a lot? Hilarious. He's a manchild who lives with a bunch of unfunny friends of the director? ROFL. I can't fathom how this is held as a modern classic, it's shit. I saw this with an ex, and she whispered half way through 'I really hope they have an abortion.' It was one of the only times I laughed during that movie.

4. Saving Private Ryan

Ok this is fine, in a boys on a mission kind of way. It's got some good performances (although NOT by Ted Danson, who's terrible in it) and some good scenes (particularly the breathless opening scenes of the Normandy landings) but it devolves into a 'search and trek along' movie pretty quickly. Also, the things with the crying old man at the beginning and end are utterly irrelevant, and the music is too saccharine and emotive for anything. Good, but could so easily have been better

3. Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino is another director who I'm not really a fan of. Most of his movies are too long, too self-absorbed and too overrated. The dialogue is irritating. Pulp Fiction hasn't aged well, and it is remarkably contrived. It's like something a perverted idiot who thinks he is clever comes up with. I should know. Anyway, Basterds was also given good reviews and I think an Oscar nomination for best film. I know people who consider it a great movie. It's not. It's overlong and predictable. For example, the scene in the bar was always going to end in a massacre, and still managed to go on for an eternity. Meanwhile, the loose playing with history, is not just stupid, it's offensive. I can't think of a movie I dislike more. Even Christopher Waltz's performance wasn't as great as everyone says. Top of my list for why I hate this movie though, was the Bear Jew. He had been bigged up by friends. Instead we see a wussy, not-very-big guy with a high pitched voice. He killed unarmed Nazis with a baseball bat. A 9 year old kid could do that. The conclusion, after at least an hour too much of this shit, is a mugging Brad Pitt at the end and he says something like 'I think this might just be my masterpiece' moments before it says 'Directed by Quentin Tarantino' - what a smug shit. A terrible movie, terribly overrated.

2. Terminator 2

It's a fair movie, although it is overlong (how many visions of a nuclear bomb does Sarah Connor need to see?) There's a reason it's iconic: A scary, impressive CGIed bad guy, an outgunned Arnie, and some great action scenes (the one in the truck is good) etc. There are, however, a few things which drag it down: The first movie had an intimate charm about it: people got shot, and it wasn't overblown. In this movie people don't get shot, and it's incredibly overblown. It's probably the movie that made the Transformer movies possible. Also, the kid is incredibly irritating, he's just the worst. This is a good, solid action movie, but one which often held up as one of the best movies of all time (at least by a couple of mates of mine). It isn't.

1. Broken Flowers / Lost in Translation

I have a fair amount of time for Bill Murray, he can do good work, such as in Ghostbusters (which is also hard to enjoy because of its mental fans) and he's also good in some Wes Anderson movies, and things like Zombieland. He's not good, however, in movies he's serious in. Broken Flowers was held as a great indie movie, but was interminable. Lost in Translation is abysmal, and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when people talk of it as something more than self-absorbed, fish-out-of-water boring nonsense. Bill Murray can be good, but he can also be terrible, these two, and the almost unwatchable Caddyshack, are evidence of the latter. I can see how he's a cult hero, but hate people that wear shirts with his face on it and will hear no wrong about him. He's good, but he's not the Messiah, he was Garfield for fucks sake.

There you go. Movies I don't like. If you disagree, I don't really mind. 

People i'm surprised and pleased are still alive.

For reasons too bizarre to explain, I have been reading the autobiography of Cheetah, the chimp who was Tarzan's assistant in the the Tarzan movies of the 1930s. I was surprised to find that at the time of writing (I think it was at least partially ghostwritten) the chimp was living in retirement in Florida. Looking at various websites, he appears to have died only very recently, at age 80 or so [source]. Also, the guy who made the famous movie 'Onibaba' died last year, aged 100. My family, a hedonistic and cancerous lot, tend not to make it to 60, and so being outlived by a Hollywood chimp is very interesting to me. So, I spent some time researching people who I would be surprised to find out were still alive. It's been one of those kind of days.

 There are so many bizarre websites around that confirm whether people are dead or not, and to be honest I don't think they should be encouraged, so I'll give you the highlights from the half dozen or so that I perused.. Also, the following list includes people whom I have heard of at least obliquely. It might be impressive that there is a Hungarian chess master alive at 108, but I'm not surprised by it as I hadn't encountered him before. However, I am surprised and glad that the following are still going:

Eli Wallach (Born 1915)

I knew that he wasn't long dead, as I'd seen him in Roman Polanski's interminable 'The Ghost Writer' a few years ago, but he looked diminished and shrivelled even in the third Godfather Movie, which is not only terrible, but almost 25 years old. This also got me thinking that I haven't Seen The good, the bad, and the ugly in a decade, I wonder if it'll be as good if I watched it now?

Tatsuya Nakedai (Born 1932)

Another surprise, and a hugely famous and established actor. Star of not only the Human Condition trilogy, but numerous movies by Akira Kurosawa, including Yojimbo, High and Low, and a very brief cameo in Seven Samurai, which was 1954. I suppose that he looked ancient even in Ran, which was 1985, so just assumed that he had died by now. Luckily that was just effective makeup. In a recent interview on the Criterion edition of Yojimbo he not only looked alive, but looked pretty damn good.

Lots Of People Involved In The Original Godzilla (1954) 
Godzilla, lest we forget, was brought to life by the Nukes dropped on Japan. It appears that most of these guys have had a good blast of life-extending radiation by being in this movie. Of those still going are the main, pretty-boy, love-interest scientist of the movie. Akira Takarada, (1934)  who is set to appear in a new Godzilla movie, 60 years after the original one. Also still going are Kenji Sahara, (1932) who was later to play Rodan (the fire breathing flying dinosaur one), and most impressively the two people who went inside the rubber suit of Godzilla. That's right, both the actors who played the original Godzilla are still going. The main actor, Haruo Nakajima, (1929) had a good career and starred in Seven Samurai in the same year. He's still going, perhaps more impressive is that his stunt double, Katsumi Tezuka, (born 1912) is also around. Stunt doubles aren't really expected to make it to 100. Must have been something in the water.

Gloria Stuart (1910 - 2010) 

Aka 'The Old Lady Gibbering Away Through Titanic' She died aged 100, in the year 2010. That's almost 15 years after Titanic. Anyone unlucky enough to have seen that movie would be surprised that she survived fifteen minutes after is wrapped up. 

   

U.S. President John Tyler (1790) Still has living grandchildren.

This one is pretty cool. In The 1840s, Tyler became the tenth President of the U.S.A in the 1840s. He had kids when he was 70ish, and then they had kids when they were aged 70ish too. That's probably not something you'd want to witness, but the result is his two surviving grandchildren, octogenarians who are alive and well in 2013. Pretty cool, in a creepy kind of way. [source]

Kirk Douglas (1916)

Paths of Glory was 1957, and he's still going. A guy I had thought had died relatively recently, but didn't. Good on him. On a side note, I have a very pronounced cleft chin as he does, unless I put weight on, and that's one of the first bits of my to fill in. It's very much a chubby barometer for me. 

Musicians still performing: Jerry Lee Lewis (1935), B.B. King (1925), Chuck Berry (1926), Little Richard (1932)

Berry, King and Richard are all old black guys, cool enough to do whatever they want, or to ever really age excessively ('black don't crack' is a new adage I've learned). However, they don't seem to really tour, just make a few welcome appearances now and then. What is most amazing is that the weedy, whitey Jerry Lee Lewis is still performing regularly, from what I understand, in Vegas and other places like it. White musicians just don't seem to age as well. Who looks better now, B.B. King or Mick Jagger? Did anyone see Ray Davies at the olympic closing ceremony last year? that dude hasn't got long to go either, by the looks of things.

Lauren Baccall (1924) 

I'd just assumed that she'd have died by now too, and she's not even 90. That's what you get for marrying the much older, much less attractive Bogart.

Shirley Temple (1928)

Another I had just assumed was dead. It's hard to imagine that the highest box office draw of the 1930s is still around in a healthy mid 80s. I don't see Justin Bieber or any modern child stars making it to that age, and I look forward to various drug problems and arrest of that little cretin.

There you go people, spread this information. Also, I keep forgetting that Jack Nicholson is still around, mainly because he looks so different from how he did in, say, Easy Rider compared with say About Schmidt - it is like it's two different blokes. I'll add pictures to this later, but can't be bothered now. Enjoy the Sun!

3 Great Ways To Dismiss People In An Argument

You're in an argument, but it's not going well. Or, you're in an argument and it IS going well. These three techniques will help you turn the tide in your favour:

1. 'Yeah, yeah' - your enemy makes a point, and you dismiss it with a 'yeah yeah' and change the topic. It shows you don't care, and that's enough.

2. 'Get Fucked' - best with an accompanying heavy sigh, as in 'pff, get fucked' before you move onto new topics. the thing to remember with arguments is that no one has ever changed their mind as the result of one. This accepts that, and insults the cretin you're against. Everyone wins.

3. 'Ah, Blow It Out your Ass [Name of person arguing with you]' - A very underused but extremely important dismissal of someone. It's brutal, graphic, honest, disgusting, and rare enough to still have a shock value. A true winner.

There you go, you'll be unbeatable in arguing now. Hope everyone is fine.

British People: An outsiders view

When not talking about Soccer, even when the season is over, or the weather, which is incredibly uneventful (I've seen lightning once in my entire time here), The Brits have two topics of conversation:
1) How much they dislike certain foods.
2) How terrified they are of spiders.

Both of these are enough to make a right-minded person want to murder them all. For the second, there are no poisonous spiders in The United Kingdom, and yet even the toughest of people, male and female, will stand atop a chair shrieking when one arrives. It's pathetic.

Even more pathetic is how averse to food people are. I know adults who will refuse point blank to even try a food, or a cuisine. A close friend of mine, intelligent in every other way, refuses to eat vegetables. Like a 3 year old child left to feed themselves, they eat fish fingers on toast for dinner. I know other people who don't like onions, cucumber, fish and any number of other things. It's no wonder that the obesity rate is so high when you have the palette of a toddler. It must be the same in other countries I've lived in, but they keep it to themselves presumably. What's amazing is that the Brits I know with food wussiness seem to be immensley proud of how picky and childlike they are. It's this narrow-mindedness that cost the British their empire.

4 New National holidays that need to happen

I've written that I think that Valentine's day has been taken over by couples trying to outdo each other into showing each other love. Father's day is coming up, and is, along with Mother's day, just a cheap and thoughtless excuse to buy gifts to assauge your guilt at ignoring your parents for the rest of the year. Here are some other, more thoughtful days I think should be mandatory. For the record, I don't mind the notion of a Thanksgiving - aside from the whole political and historical aspects of it - it seems to be used to get together and eat (always a winner) but it also stop Christmas being advertised too early in the US. Here are the other ones I agree with:

1. Be A Dick Day

Most people are dicks. This would give the people who aren't dicks a chance to get it out of their system. Tired of moving onto the road for a fat businessman in a suit who tuts you as you pass? Why not put your shoulder down and see him fly? Tired of being the crying shoulder of idiot girls at work? Tell them that they are unloved because they are unloveable. Tell them that they only think all men are pigs because they only go out with one group of asshole friends. Take advantage of someone, go out of your way to start a fight, laugh at people less fortunate than you. t's back to normal tomorrow. As long as no laws are broken, I think it'll be a real stress reliever. However, few people will actually admit to being dicks, and so everyone would just be more of a dick than usual.

2. Get In Touch With An Old Friend Day

Think to yourself about a mate you've left along the way, and get in touch with them. Let them know you miss them. This is potentially soppy, but pretty easy to do.

3. Contact A Crush Day

Replacing Valentine's day. Put yourself out there, let someone you like know that. They can reciprocate, or reject, but there's no stigma attached to either answer on Contact A Crush Day. It either works or it doesn't and the day after you move on. There need to be more days for single people to get together, and this one would be great if it left out people in relationships. 

4. Reinforce An Enmity Day

Remember an enemy you've made, possibly one you've almost forgotten about. Let them know that you haven't forgiven them, only forgotten. This day reminds ourselves why we are right and the other person is wrong. I don't agree, necessarilly, with the concept of 'forgiveness,' and a day like this would be helpful in maintaining an enemy. Think to yourself what this person did to you, remind yourself why you either hate them or no longer talk to them, and let them know that you hate them. That's the important thing, it can't be silent. This is tied in to Effigy Day, a day when you make an effigy of an ex and burn it in a ceremony.

That's a start, what do you think? Remember, you set your own 'Be A Dick Day', so go nuts.

Return of the Disappointments.

I think it's best to leave things as they are in many cases. Parks and Recreation will bring a new season which will almost definitely tarnish its reputation. Jimi Hendrix's image probably wouldn't grace the walls of every student if his youthful looks has faded into middle age, and his now short catalogue tarnishing itself with every new album. Would Jim Morisson be a hero to your most drugged up friends if he was still around, as wrinkled as a Rolling Stone? Would a surly Kurt Cobain now be living in obese seclusion, eleven albums into a Nirvana career, instead of killing himself at 27 and inspiring a new generation to sew badges onto their schoolbags? Probably not- often when it comes to art, brevity is the source of greatness: if you hang around too long, you end up ruining your mistique or proving your doubters wrong. There are some things you think ended well, and you're happy with how things are, but then they come back. Be it your favourite TV show, band, or movie, an comeback is often the worst thign that ever happened. Almost universally, they're not as  sharp, as fun, or as good as they were before. It's like seeing an ex-girlfriend dancing at a wedding and she's put on weight and looks like an alcoholic. The following are things which have come back from the past and disappointed me recently.

4. Indiana Jones 4

This is a little older than the most recent, but it still stings (especially as it was on TV not too long ago). The original trilogy were imprefect childhood favourites, and to see this (on the back of good reviews, no less!) was more than disappointing. South Park made that episode where their childhoods were raped, and as ever, it was right. Everything that made the original adventures so exhilirating and fun were gone, everything that made it special was replaced by a sack of leather pretending to be Indiana Jones, hiding in a nuked refridgerator. Really sad. Let's also not mention the childhood ruining that's taken place with Star Wars.

3. Soundgarden

Down on the Upside was a good end to things back in the day. It was no Superunknown, but very little in life is. It had a good few tracks and maintained the Soundgarden vibe, while also acting as a goodbye to the Seattle 'Grunge' Era. For the record, Pearl Jam don't really count, and Alice in Chains have actually come back pretty strongly. Soundgarden's decision to release a new album, so many years later, and its nothing special. It's pretty much bland modern rock, it's not groundbreaking or interesting, it's just a cheap rehash, despite the rave reviews. As much as I hate to say it, it probably would have been better if Cornell had just kept peddling his Timbaland produced nonsense than taint the good name of Soundgarden.

2. Black Sabbath

See above with Soundgarden. Technical Ecstacy was pretty bad, Never Say Die was terrible, Sabbath still had the first five albums to cement them into music legend. Their new album, with Ozzy Osbourne now being a deranged, drunken fame whore was to say the least, unanticipated. As it is, '13' is pretty disappointing. I've talked to mates about it and they say that 'it's better than it should be' and are happy with that. Is that the best we can hope for? I can't help but feel let down, particularly when other bands who Sabbath influenced are rockin' out so much better (Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats, or Graveyard, to name but two). I suppose the world's most influential heavy metal band have released somethign pretty much unmemorable.

1. Arrested Development

 Yeah. I was happy with the ending of Arrested Development. The third season was so desperate seeming and gimmicky, that it was kind of sad. It was good to go out on top, comedy wise: it seemed like a good time to end. It ended, and got more and mroe popular, and so this new series came out, after years of promises. I've only watched the new series once, but I don't see myself watching it dozens of times again, as the other three seasons all have been. thinking of watchign the first four or five episodes again is a chore, whle I would happily watch the whole original series again right now.

Season four has some good moments, and some of the bits are pretty clever, I'll admit, but it's definitely not as good. Arrested Development has tarnished its legacy in releasing this series. What was once a ground breaking-show, incredibly witty, funny and sarcastic, is now not the best show you'll see this year. It feels behind the times, partially because of its own influence on other shows. It's not bad (although the first four episodes take some sitting through) - but it's nowhere near as good as it was. It's the TV equivalent of the Michael Jordan playing for the Washington Wizards. Nice to see it, but it probably should have stayed in the box. Also, George Michael and Lindsay no longer look human - the fact that we are in a world where Michael Cera is a sex symbol despite his womanly hips, goober face and non-existant muscle mass means its a world I no longer want to live in. Portia De Rossi being only the latest female celebrity to use filler/botox to get 'Meg Ryan Face' is a huge disappointment in itself. She'd have looked better without it.

It's weird, there are still great things around, it's just no longer the things I once loved. Perhaps that's a metaphor for life (or something equally generic and cod-philosophical).

Hope everyone is fine, Pascal