Terrible Movies by This Year's Oscar Winners

Hi everyone, I hope you are all doing well. Today's feature, coming well after the buzz of the Oscars has died down, looks at the worst movies I've seen starring this years Oscar winners. Not so clever now, are they?

Best Actor: Daniel Day Lewis in Lincoln, has also been in...

A lot more fun for him to act than it was for me to watch [source]

...Nine. I also thought he overplayed it a bit in Gangs of New york, but this wins. Nine is the kind of movie 'you only watch because you want to let your girlfriend think she's in control, but in fact you want to see Marion Cotillard dancing around, and even that's disappointing because the movie's so dull.' I sat through it, probably ate malteasers, tried not to fall asleep, and have almost no recollection of it other than once Penelope Cruz was dancing and then Judi Dench comes out of nowhere to trick your libido into submission. Weird. In a not entirely unpleasant way, but the movie sucks.

Best Actress: Jennifer Lawrence in Silver Linings Playbook...

A friend described her as 'handsome' - I took that to mean, 'butch, but you would' [source]

 is also in... Hunger Games. I've just realised that the only other movie I've seen with her in it was Winter's bone, which wasn't bad. The internet is wanking in admiration of her, though I can't help but think she's a little weird looking, especially side-on. Still, it's amazing what a pair of boobs can do for a female. I've been told The Hunger Games is a good book for teens, but the movie seemed like a really crappy rip off of Battle Royale. I know I've seen this, and I have no earthly idea when I saw it, it may have been when I broke my arm and had to pretend to work from home for a couple of weeks.

Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Waltz in Django Unchained helped stink up the awful...

Looking to unsheath his weapon. [source]

...Three Musketeers. The kind of movie you watch on a night in when you live with two lesbians. Which I did. They hated it too. Useless, unfunny, terrible steampunk action scenes. A piece of shit.
Best Supporting Actress: Anne Hathaway in Les Miserables

Has Kate Hudson been punched in the nose? Man I hate this movie. [source]

...is also in... a surprising number of terrible movies.I think I also saw Get Smart on a plane, but I couldn't remember, which probably means that I did. I also don't imagine that the Princess Diaries 2 adds anything to its predecessor, which I LOVED. Not really, still, Bride Wars wins here, because it's terrible, and because my friend was fired on suspicion of stealing this; after a tribunal which proved she didn't, she was given this on DVD, a weeks wages, and an apology. We watched this and realised that it was the worst award ever.

Best Director: Ang Lee for Life Of Pi, also gave us...

This is only ten years old, but would cost about $4.50 to get that effect today. [source]

...The Hulk, with Eric Bana. This wasn't so bad, but I watched it on ITV3 on a Sunday afternoon, which gives you an idea of how well received it was. Eric Bana is a funny guy, but the movie was pretty terrible and it hasn't aged well. The bit at the end where the Hulk fights a US helicopter for some reason, is terribly done. I also remember it taking forever, and there being far too many scenes in labs. Still, not the best.

Best Film: Argo by Ben Affleck, who afflicted us with...

Well, he's certainly aged well, I suppose [source]

... Armageddon, and Shakespeare in Love - In the same year! I've heard a lot about how terrible Gigli is, so I've never seen it. I have however seen both Shakespeare in Love, and Armageddon, both of which are awful, and which rightly prejudiced me against his later works, until I saw Gone Baby Gone (which I wouldn't have heard of but for the controversy of its British release). He also did the pretty fair The Town, and Argo, which is based both on a true story and Team America: World Police. Still, he seems like a good director, and an even better South Park parody.

Ok, that's all you crackers are getting for now, take care, and stay saucy.