Soccer (a.k.a. football)

There's a lot in the news about Fabrice Muamba, a soccer player who collapsed while playing and remains in constant circulation on the press. This is a shame, and it's good that he's being forecast a complete recovery. However, the reaction of the fans has been irritating. While I appreciate the sentiment, it seems a little forced. Why? Because the fans are awful, it really brings out the worst in people. I once saw an Everton and a Liverpool fan fighting in the street in Brisbane, Australia. At the games themselves, bananas being thrown at black players occurs in most leagues in Europe, including the Spanish league, of all places. Even in England, there are chants about low points in soccer history: Liverpool (which I have already written about as a city) and Manchester City fans sing about the Munich Air Crash; Arsenal fans hiss to remind the predominiately Jewish support base of Tottenham of the gas chambers. In response, they sing that Arsenal's manager is a peadophile. There are also chants about Hillsborough, where a bunch of soccer fans got squashed to death. Hilarious stuff. There are hundreds more of examplesof this of tribalised nonsense, and there's no need for it. Most of the players aren't local, and are hired in from Europe or South America, and feel no affiliation for the place they are playing for, instead the fans take it too far, chanting stupid songs, making every train, and every major city in the United Kingdom unpleasant to be in on a Saturday.

On top of this, it's making millionaires out of people who actively disprove evolution. Wayne Rooney would be working in a chippy if he wasn't so good at chasing a ball around. He earns over £250,000 a week, every week, as well as sponsorship. If that's not proof that the system is wrong, I don't know what is. Now he's a hero to millions, despite his transgresions (like paying to have sex with an elderly prostitute, aka humping a granny). There are players I know only because they are terrible people: John Terry has cheated on his wife numerous times, and been at the centre of racial abuse allegations. He looks like a dead-eyed nightclub date-rapist, and should be ignored. Instead he is the England captain, which means an entire country of tattooed morons will go on about him being a 'hero.' Peter Crouch looks like South Park's Timmy, but he is bedding a skanky model.

It must be like being humped by a praying mantis [source]

All newspapers, not just the tabloids, are filled with soccer news and gossip, and if you've ever been in an English pub, it's all they ever talk about. As well as the players themselves, there is an unhealthy obsession with the dead-eyed, low-I.Q. women who fuck these idiots.

In conclusion, soccer encourages tribalism, it causes rifts between cities and brings out the worst in people, it has a near total press saturation, but the worst thing of all is: soccer is boring. Boring.