48HRs. The most 80s movie ever.

Hello all, hope you enjoy this!

Desperate to escape the thronging crowds of Londoners here for the increasingly out-of-control Edinburgh Festival, I went to see a movie with a couple of friends. Also as part of the festival, one of the smaller movie houses is replaying some old movies. We stayed for a couple of them, and I want to talk about them today. The place was busy, and so we grabbed tickets to what we could. The two movies were:

1. Born to fight:
A Thai movie, produced by the same people who made the Ong-Bak movies. This, absolutely ludicrous plot, has some terrorists taking over a village to use as hostages to get a war criminal general out of jail. THe village, however, has some of the Thai national Sports Stars visiting (for some reason), as well as the surviving policeman who just happened to arrest the general in the first place. So far, so action movie. However, it takes forever to get going, they spend literally a third of the movie on the ground, surrounded by gun toting militia, and only reluctantly start fighting at the end. The athletes all use their skills (high jump, for example) to overcome the terrorists, but their specific skills are only alluded to until then. It's utterly bizarre. When they're not being held hostage, the villagers are either being 'funny,' and sentimental together, or mercilessly killed in slow motion. For example, you know from the loving look between young daughter and father will end with his execution right in front of her. It's the worst mix of tones ever. There are some interesting stunts, but it's overlong even at an hour and 20 minutes, and doesn't develop into the cult classic guilty pleasure that it should. It's pretty much the definition of a wasted b-movie premise. Pretty unimpressive.

 Finishing this, a little flat, we went to the next movie, one none of us had seen, the renowned cult buddy cop movie, 48hrs. I admit, a little, socially lubricated (drunk, in case you were wondering).

2. 48 HRs:
The only thing I knew about this was that it started the craze of 'buddy cop' movies, and that it was directed by the same guy who made 'The Warriors' and 'Southern comfort.' Those are two solid action movies, the latter in particular, and there is an overlap of characters and themes with those movies, and probably others of his oeuvre* too. For example, all three of those movies involve: gritty male characters, initially in opposition but gaining friendship over time; and racing against time to achieve a goal and reach safety. The plot here involves a grizzled cop getting a petty criminal a 48 hour day trip out of jail so that he can help him solve some crimes related to him. The cop is white (Nick Nolte, so grizzled you can smell him) and the criminal is black (Eddie Murphy and his tiny teeth). Often, 48hrs is held as a forgotten classic. I think it's the perfect example of 80s action movies, beliefs, and a perfect showcase for all the trappings of a generic cop movie.

That's not to say that it's a bad movie. It's entertaining, often funny, and well made: it's a tight action movie. However, some of the views on show are terrible, and a lot of the action and plotting has been done to death in subsequent movies. It's a little like 'The Graduate' or 'Die Hard' in which you may as well have seen it before in every other movie of its genre, or in the simpsons episodes. Originality breeds unoriginal followers.

Anyway, some of the views on show, in a rough, 1980s San Fransisco, include but are not limited to: a lot of use of the N-bomb, spear-chucker and other terms to describe Eddie Murphy. It's good evidence that those cretins who complain that political correctness has gone mad, are indeed cretins. Also involved is an American Indian, who is one of the guys in the Predator crew). Views on women aren't very enlightened either, at several points Nolte threatens to strangle women, while prostitutes are treated roughly (this despite their obligatory 'hearts of gold'). Eddie Murphy, as a prisoner on day-release, also says some of the worst things about, and to, various women. It's the kind of shit that would make Jim Davidson blush. Aside from some unpleasant desciptions (describing a vagina as 'trim' isn't fun in this day and age), he also dances with the obligatory 'curly-headed-sassy-80s-black-girl,' and before saying hello says "if I'm not in some flesh in five minutes I'll kill someone" (that's not a misquote, we all remembred it). She is, rightly appalled, but then is shown to have slept with him later, even promising to wait for him till he gets out of jail.


Other than Morally, the movie is a showcase for 80s movies cliches. The only real ones I can't think of are, perhaps, an endangered baby, and the hero running and jumping away from an explosion. Let's have a look at some scenes:

• The cop drinks, fights dirty, and has women problems, but he gets the job DONE!
• The 'good' guys, in a car, are involved in a gunfight with the badguys, who are in a bus.
• This scene above is only possible because of the immense good fortune in finding their bus, despite not suspecting a bus, nor seeing them driving it. He just appears next to it. 
• Various car chases make civilian cars swerve out of the way
• One chase ends with a car smashed through a store window
• Despite racially abusing each other throughout the movie, the two leads are friends by the end of the movie, for no real reason other than mutual respect.
• There is an angry, black D.A. who suspends Nick Nolte ("you're off the case!" he shouts)
• The two are stumped about what to do, but the location of the two badguys is found because of a sarcastic remark by Eddie Murphy.
• The final battle takes place in a steam-filled, darkened alleyway.
• Nolte nearly has the bad guys, but is wrongly stopped by police before any shooting can take place.
• The main badguy, previously a shoot-first type of guy, talks to Eddie Murphy, and then takes him hostage instead of keeping with his persona and just shooting him.
•  Dozens of shots are fired at point blank range and miss.
• Dozens of shots are fired and no gun is ever reloaded. 

As well as this, there are at least two chase scenes don't follow logic. The chaser is right behind them, and by the time they reach a corner, they are a huge distance behind them, losing their target. This happens at least twice in the underground metro chase scene.

Also of note is the fashion, and music. So many of the genre tropes are there and present, this seems like the kind of thing which would be the buddy cop to end all buddy cop movies. It's interesting, not only because the action scenes include every 80s cliche ever, but also offer a good glimpse into views whch people who decry the rise of political correctness would have us still spouting. A flawed classic, probably.

Pictures up here soon, hope you're all just super.

*That's right assholes, dropped an o-bomb.

B.T., Absolute piece of shit.

I had an important Skype meeting today, with someone in another timezone. Rather than stay in the office, I decided to go home to do it. It was important, so I prepared, made myself comfortabe, and waited for their call (the interview was at about 1am). Needless to say, the internet connection cut out. It turned out it wasn't from the side of the conversation which is in the third world (I guess China is still largely 'developing'). Rather, the internet problems stem from the supposedly high-end connection from one of the largest cities in the United Kingdom. B.T. is my Service Provider and todays whining is about that shitty company. The service is slow, the charges are exorbitant, and the internet is getting much slower.

Slower, I think, that's annoying, I wonder what is making the internet slower? Then I reaslied that B.T. are paying £750 million on a revamp for TV rights. The end result is, they spend nearly a billion pounds, we get sports channels. The result, they are paying to air some soccer matches instead of revamping the internet speed. At some stage, some high up has asked  'What's more important, the fact that South Korea's average internet speed is 40 times faster than it's British counterpart, or a few soccer games?' and answered that soccer is more important in a modern, supposedly first world country. I've complained about soccer a few times, but that's not the worst bit: it's the fact that it's just been forced on us. I resent that.

I resent the fact that my service, already shoddy, is going to get worse. I resent the fact that half of the bill goes to 'line rental,' whatever that means. I resent the fact that when my BT internet hub broke (due to their manufacturing error) it took three weeks, and at least a dozen phone calls to fix it. I resent the fact that to leave the contract I'm on I will need to pay out the colon. I hate the fact that they are giving us no option to opt out of this sports shit, and we are being charged anyway. Most of all though, I hate the ads.

I know I've talked about the B.T. Ads before, but I am vehement in my hatred of them. I only saw the end of the one with an irritating family (brought together through BT phones and internet), and they were bad enough. The current ads, however, with three students in a flat, cracking-wise, is enough to make me pray for a meteor strike to put us all out of our misery. While these three shit-eating, show-off, assholes laugh around with speedy downloads, I'm sat watiing for pictures to load to put up on this very page (no shit, I had some ready, but it's taking forever).

Fuck B.T., and fuck everyone involved in this BT Sports shamble. Fuck anyone who hoists soccer on me and charges me for it.

OK, that's cathartic, hope everyone who isn't involved with BT is going great guns.

P.s. I've got some good posts coming up soon!

A (Bitter) List Of Reasons I Don't Like The English Cricket Team

Yes, this may seem a little bitter. Yes, most of the judgements I make here aren't substantiated. So what? If I can't follow instincts from time to time, why do we even have them? The following are (non-exhaustive) reasons why I don't like the England Cricket team.

First of all, the fans don't help. Miserable and excuse-making when they lose, churlish and unpleasant when they win, they make it not fun to be around. To put this into perspective, when beer is involved, I could get along with 90% of the world.

The commentators are irritating too. Although there are some good ones who are English, David Gower is relatively impartial and innocuous, as is Mike Atherton, David Lloyd is pretty entertaining, the bad ones more than outweigh that. for example, take the entertaining, intelligent and wise commentary of Shane Warne, or David Lloyd, and compare that to the whining, self-aggrandising nonsense of Ian Botham. Compare it with the ridiculous Nasser Hussain, who seems to thnk himself as one of the all-time greats, instead of a tosser who looks like a failed Michael Keaton. I fully admit that Mark Taylor and the guys who commentate in australia are pretty bad too, but that's not the point of this.

Now we go onto the actual players, my most disliked is Stuart Broad. Not because of that 'should he have walked?' thing (he was right not to). Instead, I dislike him for his obvious, misplaced arrogance, I dislike him for the temper, and the false bravado. Despite being posh, he thinks he's tough. He reminds me of a guy I met who went to Harrow school but shaved a mohawk and tried to start fights with other, better people. That's bad enough, but the worst thing is, he seems like a shit bloke. Would you want to meet him for a drink? Exactly.

Alistair Cook is also annoying, though not as much as Broad. There's something about his face, combined with his accent which makes you want to spend the whole night hitting on his girlfriend to try to annoy him, and he wouldn't get angry, just say "I'm sorry, but could you stop hitting on my girlfriend?" Why would he need to apologise. He looks and sounds like an over-privileged, kettle-headed buffoon. He may be a good batsman, but is it worth it?

Significantly, the 'England' team is choc-full of South Africans. The backbone of the batting is comprised of Kevin Pieterson, Ian Trott, and Matt Prior. Recently retired is Andrew Strauss, another South African born.  You can't boast about winning if the team is full of ringers. Before English fans spit out your tea and say 'they have every right to play for England. Jonathan Trott has an English grandmother By Jove!" and being sullen all day, you should watch a video interview with Jonathan Trott and try to claim the same thing. There's a reason he only looks and bats like a south African, and sounds like one, it's because he is a South African. I'm not sure about Matt Prior, but Kevin Pieterson is still, and always will be to me, a jug-faced, menstrual  Jaapie, despite his increasingly mock-cockney voice.  Pieterson, with his jug-face, constant and embarrassing arguments with managements, frequent twitter outbursts (the true sign of a solipsistic cock) and tribal tattoos which are terrible even by tribal tattoos standards, is a prick. However much of an England fan you are, hearing Pieterson and his giant head talking about 'triumphs in English Cricket' should make you ashamed. 

I'm not a fan of Ian Bell, or Graeme Swann, both of whom are overrated, particularly by the English commentators. They're both ok, but the fact that their averages are up there with other, better players, is a sign of the decline of test cricket. 

The same is true for Jimmy Anderson, a miserable, bandy-legged prick who has a face you'd never tire of slapping. Despite not being very good, at a historical level, he's been whingeing around long enough to be pretty high up on the England all-time wicket takers list. Bizarre. I was going to write about the joyless way that England go about their cricket, the utterly boring interviews which show what cretins they are, or Tim Bresnan, but I'll leave you with this... if you have David Cameron or Prince Harry cheering alongside you, you're most likely a prick.

The Moron's Forum, Muted.

I've downloaded an app which actually does something useful. Whatever website you are on, it will automatically stop you from seeing the comments underneath websites. This user-generated hate-forum is  where the most bitter, least important arguments of all time are raging. The very fact that I can't see them isn't perfect - I still remember that they're ongoing - but it's as close to perfect as possible. I dislike these comments at the best of times, not only because I find minutes whiling away while I read in astonishment at some of the variously rabid, naive, or ill-informed things said there. I dislike the bickering and name-calling through the cloak of anonymity (I admit this is done through a pseudonym, but any opinion I've ever expressed here I would be happy to express to your stupid face...). I have noticed that even on the more upmarket websites which offer them, really the views expressed are the same, they just have better spelling. Compare, for example, the often-genocidally racist, always ill-informed and illiterate comments on any youtube video, to the comments offered on, say, The Guardian.

 The Guardian is a seemingly liberal newspaper, the pages of which are littered with arguments between disappointed Liberals and obviously Trolling conservatives. None of the people involved seems to notice that not a single person has ever changed their mind on any issue ever through one of these comments. And if that's not the definition of a shit debate, I don't know what is. Even this state of affairs would be tolerable, but things have taken a turn for the worse. Previously, it was possible to sift through the information to gain extra hints (for example, it was through one of these comments that I discovered the excellent show 'Enlightened') or perhaps form an opinion on how people think about an issue. It wasn't worth the time, and that is particularly true now that the Guardian has branched out to further include Americans, who, almost without exception, have noticeably lowered the quality of the discourse, and it wasn't great to start with.

The app, which I will name soon, is a great one, which takes away the guilty pleasure of reading online arguments and allows you to make your own decision. (N.B. As writing this, it crashed, so if any app makers are at a loss of how to spend the next few hours, there's your idea: a name could be 'Troll Bridge' or something)

Anyway, that's all you're getting today.
P

Facebook Cull: Examined.

I have good friends all over the world, and I know a lot of people in this country. Being a child of this age, despite myself, I realised that I had accumulated a lot of Facebook friends, most of whom I am not in touch with. I decided a cull would be good: a lot of distant family friends, old schoolmates, and various other hangers-on were removed. On top of the more obvious criteria (not talking in years, not liking the person, no idea who person was, etc) The criteria included:

• If you were regularly posting holiday pictures / nightclub photos where I would genuinely rather drink diarrhoea than have been there with them - you're gone. 

• If you are in hundreds of photos of you kissing your partner - you're gone. This also applies to 'love/hate' constantly breaking up couples. That's not even funny anymore.

• If you have a child, and then say something like 'I hate to be one of those parents, but this is so cute!' as they show you a picture of a cross-eyed Mel Smith lookalike glaring towards the camera. I don't mind baby photos (although it does get you a limited friendship), but acknowledging that you are aware of how boring a baby is to anyone but its family, yet still proceding to post about it, that's too much. You're outta here.

Also included is consistent illiterate grammar, (y'ur instead of your and the loose/lose confusion have lost me some good friends) and stupid political posts. I understand peoples political beliefs are important, but a constant, ignorant reposting of something political is worse than apathy in my book. This following post, which escaped the 'Celebrate Thatcher' cull recently, combines poor grammar with inane politics. This distant family friend's post, in regards to Thatcher's death, was one of many which would have got her the friend flick. I quote the post here verbatim:

I wonder how many of the people complaining about Maggie what she did and didn't do actual vote to have there say some liked her some didn't nothing changes same today with the government we have now and yes a lot of people moaning were not even older enough to vote lets worry about the present and let the family grieve in peace think on if it was your mother have some respect the country is in a mess now yes because of bad decisions made on all party's involved my opinion is none of them r any cop maybe its about time we had a people government with real people who live on low wages and understand the real value of having a good standard of live and be allowed to work for a living too many people allowed into the country not enough jobs and also not forgetting that some people will not take jobs because they become worse off then being on benefits, stop people coming into this country who then go straight on our benefit system that we have paid into from working, take a hint from new Zealand or Australia it works for them, internet is destroying the high street and we are all to blame for helping that along before long England will sink and I don't think it is far off x

This is all one sentence. This was signed with a kiss. This had 47 likes. This is no longer a Facebook friend. Needless to say also, anyone playing constant games or listening to spotify so that you have to hear about it on your news feed, are largely gone. 

After all that I'm stuck with only one friend. Me. Not really, but it's good to get rid of some idiots.

Hope you're all fuckin' grand.

Royal Baby, Delivered to Nationwide Hysteria

Look, I hate to complain unnecessarily. Generally, the birth of a new human, is a great thing (actually, with the population over 7 billion, that's not so true anymore), and the birth of this little spud seems to have made a lot of people very happy, that's fair enough. I don't mind it happening, just so long as it's avoidable. At present, it isn't.
The BBC has taken the hysteria of the tax-paid absurdities of the Royal Wedding and the Coronation Anniversary and seemingly doubled it. Yesterday's entire news was over half devoted to it, showing a sycophancy and forelock tugging I would have thought became extinct sometime around the early 20th century. A friend commented that the shoddy production values, lack of analysis and worship (I use that word in its correct sense) of this baby wouldn't have been out of place in North Korea. Huw Edwards smilingly acknowledged that this was 'not real news.' He's right. Even if you are an adamant fan of the royal family, you would have to admit that the birth drove bigger, more important stories from the front pages. The BBC News channel is worse, showing constant trivial chatter, giving airtime instead of a guillotine to an endless parade of self-proclaimed sycophantic experts. This is all combined with a complete lack of interpretation or acknowledgement of other views.

The BBC has a remit to all of us to give impartial, serious, unbiased analysis. It has failed to do so so far. There have been no interviews with the opposing views by Republican groups. None either with groups that claim that a true democracy is one where any person can become anything they want, or that the royal family are an archaic, feudal institution who take vast amounts of tax payers money. No opposing views at all, just worship of a child who happens to have been born to his particular parents. It makes a mockery of journalistic integrity, of democracy, and of the notion of equality making bloodlines unimportant. To top it all off, it is presented in the most fawning, saccharine and shameless way imaginable. I almost feel sorry for the little guy, because if it keeps up like this, his every waking moment will be met by cameras and braying morons in union jack hats. I say almost, until I remember the anachronistic, yet absurd, privilege he and his siblings will enjoy.  

No matter how you feel, you can't help but acknowledge that a mass hysteria has taken over: I didn't expect the BBC to underplay its hand here, but it has gone too far.
I for one am not happy, and I want that to be reflected here.
 
Yours, Pascal.

British Summertime. Weird

It's been hot up here for a sustained period. We're talking 25C or more, every day for at least a couple of weeks. You could add a good 5C extra for the south too. I've never seen anything like it in this country, although it's still a lot cooler than I expect a summer to be. However, it's kind of interesting how the British people take to the Summer.

In Australia, people are fearful of the sun. We've seen what it can do to people, and are pumped full of propaganda to remind us not to burn. I don't think many people in my own generation can hear the words 'slip slop slap, rap' without breaking whatever is in their hands at that moment. But we've all seen people with skin cancer, or a thirty year old woman who looks 90, and take action to avoid that happening to us. That doesn't seem to happen in the United Kingdom. Parks are filled with stripped off office workers sizzling their tattoos. I think because it's so unexpected, people go a little mental. If you only have Summer once a decade, you make it count. I suppose it also saves people money on fake tan, something which is insanely overused by both males and females in the UK.

I also think that people don't know how to dress in the Summer either. I have a theory that nothing I could possibly wear would be inconspicuous. People either dress like they are on holiday in Spain, or just muster up whatever short clothing they can. So, you see men in sandals and socks, or with awful open t-shirts and weird shorts. It's very strange. Women seem to deal with it a little differently, by wearing as little clothing as possible. G-string bikinis in Princes Street Gardens is a pleasant diversion, but not exactly dignified.

Also interesting is the need to have Barbeques, particularly portable ones, which is an odd kind of mania.
Anyway, the whole thing has me intrigued, and the mass mania and purchasing of stuff would be similar to if there was sustained snow in, say, Sydney. People would make quickly melting snowmen in tiny patches of land and buy sleds and hot drinks much to the tutting and bitching of British people over there. There you have it, a perfect analogy.

Anyway, enjoy the sun.

Samurai Guy: Kurosawa's Samurai Movies Part 2.

You've read part one and youve tirelessly watched those four movies. Now, you want more, but where are you going to get it? Right here, that's where!

5. Ran [1985]

Plot In One Sentence: It's King Lear in Japan, as three brothers fight amongst themselves after their father decides to retire from kinghood.
Thoughts: Possibly one of the most brutal, beautiful movies ever made. The costumes, sets, and cinematography really have to be seen to be believed. Watched on a big screen it's almost achingly gorgeous. The action scenes are brutal and exquisite, and are wonderful displays of costumed man-management. This on its own makes it worth seeing. The DVD extra feature I have on this, a making of, is one of the few I've ever seen which makes me more in awe of the achievements in the movie. The costumes were individually stitched from silk to match the time period.

There are several versions of the DVD, all of which have pretty striking covers.

 The battles involved literally thousands of costumed extras, and the sets were solid enough to withstand an actual siege. It's an amazing, technicolour achievement, but there are some downsides. Some of the acting is less than compelling (I'm looking at you faggy* jester guy) it also features the worst female character in any movie ever, not just a Kurosawa movie. The title of Ran means Chaos, or upheaval, and the utter misery of the conclusion leaves a sour taste behind. This is probably one of the ten movies to see before you die, although it's hard to see it more than a few times, despite the stunning beauty of some scenes.  

 6. Sanjuro [1962]

Plot In One Sentence: A sequel (possibly) to Yojimbo, as a grizzled ronin helps out a group of 12 hopeless, young samurai against a corrupt lord.
Thoughts: This is a good, surprisingly funny adventure movie. However it is hampered by two incompetent Kurosawa women, who are just idiots in this movie. Also not helping are the 12 conspirator samurai, who never make any right decisions and bicker like schoolchildren. This is played a little too frequently to just be for laughs. This is a loose sequel to Yojimbo, in that it features a grizzled, lazy, highly skilled, but unnamed samurai played by Toshiro Mifune.

Who is, judging by this poster, 20 feet tall.

Largely it's a light-hearted romp, held together by the towering central forces of Nakedai and Mifune. Their performances in particular raise this from pedestrian Summer-fare to something more enthralling. The fact that the conclusion is mentioned in any review you read, including this one, and features only the two of them, is proof of their performances. Funny, and then tense, and entertaining, but not the best of the Samurai movies. Still worth watching though.

7. Kagemusha [1980]

Plot In One Sentence: A thief acts as a doppleganger for a shogun during the era of warring states.
Thoughts: I watched this again recently, having dismissed it previously. It follows a warrior clan in the warring era, and yet shows very little action,. We're shown troops besieging, or leaving battlefields, or grouped en masse, but most of the action remains offscreen. The result is we deal with the human effect of constant war, giving the feel of an intimate epic. I was very impressed with it on the second viewing. There are some brilliant scenes, such as the massed army marching past the sun, or the march past of the shadow warrior, passing his massed troops, but which we view from above next to some enemy spies.

Kurosawa's own artwork, which looks not dissimilar to things I draw while on the phone.

The sets and costumes, and ambitions show this to be almost a training version of Ran, but in a way it's a more satisfying movie than that. The shadow warriors death / suicide at the movie's conclusion is a choice, and gives him a sense of honour, despite his former clan being entirely wiped out. Compare this to the unneccesarry killing of the last son in Ran, and this choice makes it a little less nihilistic, despite the devastation. Kagemusha is a little overlong perhaps, and there are some weak scenes, such as the Shinto-inspired dream sequence. Scenes with the shadow warrior bonding with the child are also irritating at times. . Still, this is a remarkably epic, beautifully shot movie which is underrated, especially by myself. I also like that the doppleganger is twice outed by a horse, as the people are unaware. As much as Kurosawa hated women, he loved horses.

8. Hidden Fortress [1958]

Plot In One Sentence: Two peasants trapped in enemy territory, help a general and their princess to transport gold back to their home region
Thoughts: My DVD of this has arch film revisor George Lucas explain that the plot is the first of its kind, and that it influenced the telling of the original Star Wars. Notably, it lets the story unfold from the point of view of two seemingly superfluous, lower-class characters, much like C-3P0 and R2D2. Other than that, it would probably have faded into insignificance. Toshiro Mifune is an imposing character here, but he's given little to do, and the most important character in the piece, the princess, is just terrible.

We like short-shorts, now stop asking!

 I read somewhere that she didn't act again after it, and I can kind of see why, she's pretty enough, and isn't a terrible character, but seems to equate screaming with acting. The purpose of the movie is to prevent her capture, but she's such a pain that I wouldn't have minded at all if she had been taken, kicking and screaming. This is largely light-hearted, but with some tense moments, and a relative lack of action. The scene at the fire sequence is good too. Overall, this is the least imperative of the Kurosawa samurai movies, and even that still influenced Star Wars. That in itself is probably more impressive than the movie.

So there you have it, 8 - EIGHT! - samurai movies to get on with. Lucky you. Hope you're all fantastic.

*Please note, I'm using faggy here in the sense of 'messing around incompetently and constantly', not the homosexual insult. I am typically loathe to use the word, but this guy gives me little choice.

Sports and Homosexuality, How to live your life.

Yes, British and Irish Lions won the series. On balance, the players deserved it, although the third match could have easily been a dead rubber. I'm, also up on that idea in that the loss got rid of Robbie Deans, and also kept the worst 20,000 or so people out of the U.K. for a few months. (I'm back in the U.K. incidentally). So that's fine. Also, today, England (with some South African allies) beat Australia in a tight, entertaining test match. That's good too. What I'm less impressed with is the attitude of people I meet. Yes, I do sound Australian. Yes, I did personally lose the particular match for my country. Fair enough. There's being gracious in victory and there's being churlish, and a lot of people I meet these days stray firmly into churlish territory. A lot of people, particularly English people, don't make it easy to like them, and as I'm in Scotland again, that's not a good sign for this ridiculous independence campaign.

I've found that the best way to counter it is not to joke, or get angry, but to act completely uninterested, which - luckily- I usually am. It's also a good way to counter lesbians. I've talked before (find link) about how I know a few gay men who don't mention their homosexuality at all, for them it's a private part of their lives, and that's cool. Over the last few years, however, I've met a lot of girls and the only thing they talk about is their sexuality. I think it's genuinely down to attention seeking, or possibly insecurity. I used to say things like "I'm from Sydney, you'd need to be a lot prettier or a lot uglier to even catch my eye as a lesbian," but now I just act the same, uninterested way, conversations, for example, going, "Hi I'm Pascal" "I'm lesbian" "yeah, what's your job?" It works a treat on people, I guess, seeking a shock value or congratulations on how they live their lives. It's a great way to disappoint someone and move a conversation on.

In conclusion, living in Britain is making me uninterested in the human condition.

Hope you're all enjoying this lovely weather.

Things Which Are Annoying (AKA Stop Pronouncing Words Like a Cunt)

I met someone today called Tuppence. That's right, Tuppence. This might be a good name, for say, a Dickensian love interest, or a Hobbit, but for a human being in the 21st century it did nothing but remind me of Britain's still rigid class system. It also didn't help that she was a complete asshole. Someone told me also that there is a reasonably famous actress called 'Tuppence Middleton,' That's not cool. 

Neither are people who say 'cringe'  - it's a stupid word said by stupid people.

Let's not forget adults who describe food as 'yuckie.' Grow the fuck up.

While I'm on the topic, I'm getting pretty sick of the way that some people pronounce words in this country. A friend makes fun of the way that I say 'Cancer,' and I hate the way that some people pronounce:

'Cous cous' as KOOZ KOOZ

Sushi as SOOSHI

Dance as DAHNS

Tonga as TONG-GAH, even if a genuine Tongan person is there telling them how to pronounce it properly.

Horrible as 'ORRIBLE

Buffet as BUFF-FAY, because that's EXACTLY how French people say it.

All of these are excusable except the kind of assholes who say them are usually posh pricks on a train who speak far too loudly when you're too hungover to function anyway. Don't be a prick, and if you are, pronounce words properly. Fuck you.

Also troubling is the continued use of MA-REE-YO, instead of Mario, in Super Mario ads. He's italian for fucks sake. Stop saying it like that. 

Other than that, hope everyone is fine.

Samurai Guy: Kurosawa's Samurai Movies Part 1.

An easy one here: If you've not seen any Kurosawa Samurai movies, and you need somewhere to start, follow this list. If you want, you can overlook the following movies importance to Japanese cinema and world cinema, the hidden subtexts or the influence that they've had, or the filmic techniques. You cannot, however, overlook them as great movies. I'll do them in the order you should see them, and will try to avoid spoilers as far as I can, but I'd say just get watching.

1. Yojimbo [1961]

Plot In One Sentence: A grizzled ronin plays two warring gangs off each other in a miserable town.
Thoughts: The loose plot of this was taken from some American crime procedural, and this movie then 'inspired' the 'A Fistful of Dollars' which copies it almost scene for scene. Yojimbo (the bodyguard) is a straight-forward action movie, with some hidden meanings and motivations visible on second viewings. Toshiro Mifune is terrific as the titular bodyguard, a grizzled anti-hero, lazy but exceptionally skilled as a swordsman. The support cast, composed of many of Kurosawa's regulars, are great too. It's visually distinctive, and at times darkly amusing: for example, the arresting sight of a dog trotting happily along carrying a human hand in its mouth, or the dashing of expectations as we are told of the skill of another swordsman, whose only appearance is to show him waving goodbye as he escapes the town forever.

Probably a little too much going on in this one too.

Also interesting is the position of women- surely a thesis is waiting to be written on Kurosawa and woman- in Yojimbo they are either prostitutes, or the wife of one of the gang leaders. One wife in particular effectively leads the gang herself: she is scheming, vicious and violent, she's one of the most unsympathetic charcters in a movie filled with them. The set, namely the broad, wind-swept high street of the town, is great, and Tatsuya Nakadai is also good as a nefarious, gun-wielding villain. This is a a good, solid, tightly-plotted, visually-striking and brilliantly directed action movie, one which only the most racist or stupid of people would say is bad. That's why it's a great starting point for Kurosawa movies.

2. Throne of Blood [1957]

Plot In One Sentence: In this MacBeth-in-Japan, a warrior learns his fate and does his best to avoid it. 
Thoughts: This is probably as good a version of MacBeth as you'll ever see, and there's not a word of English in it. While there are some aspects which are dated- such as the sound effects of the witches laughter, or the nightjars -  it still perfectly encapusaltes the dilemma of MacBeth accepting or denying his fate. Of particular note is some of the cinematography, and obviosuly the plot, which meshes MacBeth perfectly with Samurai Japan. While the action typically only obliquely viewed, we see people rushing from to or coming from battles, battlefields after the action, or get ongoing updates from various messengers, the movie as a whole still seems action packed and the threat of violence is alluded to right until the bloody finale.

Not a great DVD cover, but who cares about DVD covers? Not I.

The finale, memorable for its sea of trees, and the firing of arrows at Mifune as MacBeth, was apparently filmed using genuine arrows, so that the look of fear on Mifune's face would seem genuine. It certainly worked. On top of that are some great uses of mist and fog, some atmospheric Japanese castles and sets, great costumes, and some great scenes, which make it seem so authentic. What's also interesting is that the equvalent of Lady McBeth is now even less sympathetic than she was in Shakespeare, now more than a mere suggestive influence, but the force which makes him act. It's held together through captivating performances and atmosphere. A truly brilliant movie, and a truly brilliant version of MacBeth.

3. Seven Samurai [1954]

Plot in One sentence: A poor illage enlists seven samurai to help fight a group of bandits.
Thoughts: This was the first Kurosawa movie I'd seen, and it was like staring at the sun. I didn't mind or even notice its 31/2 hour plot. I seriously must have seen it like 10 times, and will happily watch it again soon. It's still brilliant, amazingly shot, with all the characters wonderful and characterised in a realistic manner. The action scenes are also beyond compare. It is both epic and intimate. It's a masterpiece.

This, colourful abomination, however, isn't. Oh, what a bitch I am.

 Now however, I've noticed some problems: some of the 'comedy' scenes, and the romance in particular, haven't lasted the test of time. I'm also struck by the notion that the bandits surely must have realised that they could have ransacked somewhere else until the samurai left that town. However, perhaps that's the point - everyone involved is tied into their roles: as villagers, as samurai, as bandits, and there would be no point resisting that. However, that, and its place at the top of the best movies of all time list mean that it shouldn't be the first one you see, because it's likely to taint your views if you don't like it as much. Some of the comedy scenes don't go so well, but it's filled with memorable images speeches, and battle scenes. The final battle, in the rain, is one of the saddest, most epic in all of cinema. Stunning.

4. Rashomon [1950]

Plot In One Sentence: A murder and possibly a rape take place, and we gain conflicting views of how it happened through various interviews with those involved. 
 Thoughts: This was the movie which shot Kurosawa to fame internationally, winning the Golden Lion at the Venice Film Festival. It has been remade as a western, and has given us the term 'Rashomon Effect' to describe any movie with unreliable narraotrs, or when the truth is uncertain. Obvious examples include The Usual Suspects, Pulp Fiction, or Memento.

Yeah this is the best I could find at the moment.

It's a great piece of film history,  but it's not quite as entertaining as some of his later works. The part with the child at the end is also a little saccharine. Despite this, it's more than interesting,  as it has some good performances and cinematography, there is a reason that the 'walk through the woods' is so well remembered. However, although it is great, I view it as more of a 'sign of things to come' both from Kurosawa and Mifune in particular.

If that's whet your appetite, the next four are coming up soon. lucky you guys! For those wondering, I won't include 'The Men Who Tread On The Tiger's Tail,' because it's bad even by propaganda standards.

Lessons learned from speed dating.

As a favour for a friend, I spent last weekend as one of the 'males' in a speed-dating section. It was fun. Because the men were outnumbered 3-1, we went for an interesting scenario. The women would get to talk to all the guys in turn for three minutes, while the guys weren't allowed to say anything. When this was done, the guys got to speak for a minute, this time with the girls were unable to speak. At the end you found people you liked and then chatted to them, with booze supplied. The initial part of being talked to without responding, was both weird (it's tough to speak for a minute without anyone responding, let alone three), and informative.

You can tell a lot about someone by how they present themselves immediately, and in three minutes you can tell an awful lot about a lot of people. So, I, and all the guys, used our minutes intelligently. Anyone crazy, you give them a minute where you're boring, anyone nice seeming, you make the effort. Knowledge was power. Anyway, here are things I learnt from three minute monologues.

1. Most 3 minutes cover a lot - school, work, travel experiences, and the things they enjoy doing. This is good. Others hinted at personality problems (ex-boyfriends, being a bitch, being stupid etc) which was useful in using your own minute to them, Most people also found time to show me their tattoos too, which wasn't unoriginal at all. I really don't get it, even educated, intelligent people now have tattoos. What the fuck?

2. Fair play to the girls who said basically the same things 6 times (6 guys were there) for three minutes, I was so bored and tired at the end of 10 minutes talking to people that I mainly just yawned or stopped talking early. I also hate repeating myself, which made it, and dating in general, problematic for me.

3. Some girls describe themselves as 'mad' or 'wacky' - those people are alcoholics or use deliberate affectations to distance themselves from the mainstream, respectively.

4. Most people were there for fun (or because they knew the girl who runs the event), and were joking around, which made the thing more relaxing. I was worried initially that it wouldn't be fun, but it pretty much was. The most terrifying thing though, was the girls there who were genuinely looking for Mr. Right - a man who doesn't exist. A dating tip I've found out is that you aren't going to find a partner in a night club who isn't a piece of shit, and the same applies for speed dating. Meet through friends, at parties, or just creep on people in laundro-mattes (how I met my first wife). I know people who say internet dating isn't as bad as you'd think, but I don't have any experience with it. Anyway, speed dating isn't a great hope. I don't think I'm being sexist here by thinking that the guys weren't looking for relationships, just a good time and maybe some sex.

5. A lot of people work in H.R. - a job which is pointless and useless, and actually negative to most companies productivity. It will probably go down as one of the great scams of our time, especially as head of H.R. is typically enormously overpaid. H.R. is only not pointless to the people who do H.R.

6. A lot of girls say that they want a tall boyfriend, but forget that they have to wear high heels everywhere, which hurts them, and then complain that you are too tall. I maintain that you have to be 5 foot 9 or over to get anywhere near me. It's practical.

6A. People say they want someone who can make them laugh. This is untrue. Girls want muscles, and guys want someone to have sex with. Next. 

7. Looks: I went to a party a few years ago where I dressed as a woman. A friend plastered me in foundation, makeup and fake-tan, and I wore fake eyelashes, lipstick, mascara, and a wig. It was hellish, and I didn't look real anymore. I looked like Katy Perry. Even at that level though, I still couldn't match at least three of the girls at the speed dating. Wearing that much makeup is hideous, and you're only lying to yourself. The first time someone sees you without makeup will freak them out (all pimples and blackheads are removed) - the only people stupid enough to fall for it are nightclub guys, who will then treat you like shit because they're nightclub guys. Don't wear a tonne of makeup and then say that all men are pigs. So, what I learned was, people who wear a tonne of makeup are nightmares, and I'd be surprised if there were any exceptions.

8. Single life is fine, and fun. however, if you're single and want to meet someone, I can imagine that is hellishly frustrating. Hellish. If I was taking this thing seriously I'd be very disappointed, luckily I wasn't, and still met a couple of nice people out of it.

9. A surprising amount of girls were either obviously in love with their past boyfriend (a girl said I looked just like him), were devastated by being used by men, or had obvious daddy issues. My advice to them (though I didn't offer it at the time) was you don't need someone by your side if you're not ok with yourself. Actually if I'd said that I would have had a horrible fake nail embedded in my cheek for the foreseeable future.

In conclusion, After this talking to each other thing, the night changed and we were allowed to just talk to each other. and get drinks. I think that worked better. The mix of people there was good, but I'd still rather just meet through more organic ways. Also, the 'guys v girls' mentality of these events isn't great, and my friend who runs the thing should just do what everyone else does: provide alcohol, dim the lights and try not to intervene.

In Praise Of #10 - Samurai Jack

Hello everyone, and welcome to the first 'In Praise of', in ages. Today's feature is the Animated cartoon Samurai Jack, and some spoilers follow. This is a show which is vastly underseen, and vastly underrated. I'm yet to meet anyone who's seen more than a few episodes who hasn't loved it (and loved isn't a word I use lightly). I caught the first series on cartoon network (I used to watch it before going to work - I know), years ago. From there I bought the DVDs, and then got my then girlfriend and a couple of friends into it. All of them scoffed at first, too.

 The story follows a samurai whose real name isn't given, although he is named Jack by some onlookers early on. and his battles with Aku, an evil shape-shifting sorcerer. After besieging Jack's homeland and enslaving his family, Jack and Aku battle, where he is Jack is sent forward in time to a dystopian future, where Aku's reign is now absolute, Jack's allies having been subdued. from here he tries to gain revenge and return back to his own time. All this is spelled out in the excellent introduction, although the plot is often irrelevant, as it follows Jack through various, seemingly unrelated adventures and mischiefs. Jack's quest to destroy Aku seems immensely one-sided, he is seemingly invincible to anything other than a magic sword, and can travel through space and time. However, it is hinted that Jack has allies other than The Scotsman, voiced by Bender from Futurama, I mean John DiMaggio. Jack is voiced by Phil LaMarr, or Hermes Conrad from Futurama, or the guy who gets shot in the car in Pulp Fiction, and despite being the title character, is rarely talkative. He is however, Stoic, heroic, friendly when needed and immensely skilled as a warrior. Aku's voice is provided by Mako, and is a highlight of the show, and of my own repertoire.

Other than these three, very few characters are in more than an episode, and this creates a vast world where literally anything can happen. Episodes often deal with Jack overcoming an obstacle, but the obstacles vary hugely: from city-sized robots, to a haunted house, to being turned into a chicken. this disjointedness suggests Jack's solitude in seeking justice, and also allows for episodes to vary wildly in tone and humour levels. For example, we are shown a quite in depth depiction of the beginnings of the human race as the gods looks on in one episode, and in another Jack must find a way to replace his shoes, or find clothing while being stuck in a bizarre pastiche of Alice in wonderland. This difference allows for huge difference in characters too, from happy jungle-dwelling creatures and scientist dogs, to stern faced warriors such as Demongo, who can collect souls and use them to fight Jack. There are literally dozens of enemies and characters, and they are largely drawn very well, both artistically and emotionally. 

One thing which sets this show up from a regular cartoon is the emotional stake involved. For example, one episode follows three assassins plotting, explaining their reasons for killing Jack. At the end, Jack avoids their traps, but leaves them having to deal with enslavement and loss of family for disappointing Aku. Another, excellent episode has a robot who has broken his programming and has learned to love his pet dog. His dying wish is for the dog to be looked after. In other episodes Jack is saved by his allies or sheer luck, the sense of character bubble of a regular show is nonexistant. Vital questions of the show are deliberately left unanswered, leaving a sense of mystery unusual in any show, let alone one ostensibly aimed at children.

At the same time, other episodes seem to acknowledge that this is a kids show, as seen in the relatively straightforward episodes where Jack learns to jump good, or dance at a rave show. Further episodes acknowledge the juxtaposition of violence and moral dilemmas with cartoons more subversively, notably in the episode 'Aku's Fairy Tales,' where the show provides a brilliant parody of itself. The story and the artistic ideas come from Genndy Tarkovskoy, the creative mind behind the surprisingly subversive Dexters Laboratory, and The Powerpuff Girls, although I admit that I've only seen them in passing

  Samurai Jack's art and direction is bold and stylish, and is often incredibly beautiful. This is particularly true of landscapes. Many episodes are bold and colourful, but some of the landscapes are haunting, much more sparsely, suggestively detailed than anything on Cartoon network really should be. Often scenes are allowed to develop, showing Jack slowly crossing a boldly drawn, breath-taking landscape. The art is at its best not only on landscapes, but in the battle scenes, which are suggestive and use any number of techniques to suggest different styles: modern art, Japanese anime, or other forms such as split screen action. It's often breathtaking, and it's obvious why it won so many awards. The music also plays a part, epic, oriental styled, and atmospheric, it sets the mood perfectly, especially the low hum chanting which plays whenever Aku is seen plotting or manically talking to himself.

 Variously poetic, violent, silly, and thoughtful, it's also aware of other things which have influenced it, acknowledging them in knowing winks. To illustrate, the original Star Wars movies pop up a few times, and Jack even meets the similarly themed Lone Wolf and Cub, Lady Snowblood, and even Totoro. the show itself has influenced others directly. To illustrate, the episode Jack and the Spartans helped to define the visual style and theme (though not the homo-eroticism) for '300' - and the visual style is also aped at the dream sequence at the beginning of Kung Fu Panda. In my opinion, it will go from being a cult favourite to being viewed as one of the best shows of the early 21st century. As Jack's voice, Phil LaMarr, said in an interview "I feel like it hasn’t gotten enough recognition, because it was just so, so good. I mean, it’s one of the few things I’ve been a part of that I feel pretty confident I can sit anybody down in front of it, and they will find something to enjoy about it. Grown-ups, kids, old people, babies—you respond to the colours, to the action, to the epic mythological underpinnings. Whatever it is, there’s something there that will blow you away." [source]

That's not to say that it's perfect, however. While the juxtaposition of epic, serious episodes and comic episodes is sometimes terrific; some of the less intense episodes fail: I'm looking at you, Jack and the giant underwater sea monkeys, or the one where Jack goes becomes naked; there's also a terrible episode where Jack has to look after a baby. However, the troughs are rare and far outweighed by the creative peaks of so many of the episodes, so a bizarre flight of fancy inside a Dragon's stomach plays out like an intense, psychodelic piece of televisual magic, instead of being too bizarre to enjoy. Because it's a cartoon, it rarely shows any violence happening to people, although a lot of robots are slaughtered, often needlessly, spurting oil as though it was blood, which can become repetitive, particularly if you're watching several episodes in a row. Also, the first season is the most broadly drawn, later seasons definitely get better, it's still excellent though.

Furthermore, there are other flaws. The theme tune was written and performed by noted cretin Will.I.Am. From a plot standpoint, there are plotholes and elements which aren't explained properly (for example, why does Jack seek to return to the past instead of merely murdering Aku and accepting life in the future?)
Also fights get a little too repetitive, epecially if you watch the whole thing in a week. Jack strips to the waist, shouts 'AKU!!' , outruns bullets and maims robots dozens of times throughout the series, something which the show itself acknowledges.

Furthermore, the whole thing is left open-ended, which is either interesting or irritating depending on mood, although several episodes hint at what the future holds for Jack. A movie was promised to conclude the series, but as the show hasn't been on the air for like 7 years, it looks unlikely. The fact that Mako, the voice of the insane and terrific Aku has died also doesn't help. Possibly, the show hints that it was running of steam by the end of the last season - it may be blasphemous to say, but it's  probably just as well it didn't get another season, as it may perhaps have ruined the mystique.

I haven't watched it in a fair while, though I can still remember favourites very vividly, and have been greedily watching them again recently (seriously, how long can a half season break be for Breaking bad go on for?) The following episodes are fondly remembered highlights, note that there were only 52 episodes- this had a high strike rate.

It Begins - a three piece beginning of the whole story, which work brilliantly together to show the strengths and stlye of the the show. Also,Jack vs Evil Jack, and Aku's Virus -two episodes which showed that Jack was corruptable, and had to deal with the negative urges we all have to quash. The same also goes for a multi-part episode where Jack gets amnesia, but it's not on the highlight list, as amnesia is too overused in television shows (or is it?). Jack's meetings with the Scotsman tend to be terrific as well, none moreso than their antagonistic introduction on a seemingly endless bridge.

Other highlights include Demongo the soul collector, a great enemy of Jack, which requires all of his guile to overcome, and the brilliant, but indescribable Jack and the green gal in the desert, while the previously mentioned Aku's Fairy Tales is the best of the subversive, self-aware style episode of Samurai Jack, as well as being probably one of the funniest episodes. Other great episodes include Jack and the Creature, where Jack encounters a beast which is a combination of Totoro and a murderer, while Jack and the travelling creatures, and Jack and the Zombies are exciting and important to the plot, as is Jack and the Hunters. Those last three episodes are action-packed, imaginative, and really tightly plotted, as well as beautifully rendered.

More pensive episodes include the award winning Four Seasons of Death, or the sad Jack Remembers the Past. This emotional heft is also visible in the episode where Jack fights 3 assassins, or the previously mentioned episode with K-9 the dog. These all deal with human emotion, and the sadness of loss and inevitability of decline over time. Other than these, personal favourites for me include Jack and the Haunted House, Jack and the Three Blind Archers (I think the first episode I ever saw) and the epic 'Birth of Evil,' which is astonishing in its scope and ambition.

In conclusion. This is proof that television shouldn't be aimed specifically at anyone, as anyone can and will enjoy it. It has beautiful scenes and is at times, funny, sad, pensive, thoughtful, playful, scary, and intelligent, on top of it all it's hugely imaginative and really entertaining. Check it out. 

Note, will add pictures later, as well as proofread - but have been incredibly busy. 

6 Shitty Modern Movies Everyone Loves

Yeah, yeah. More hating, what are you going to do? Not read? That's ok. The following are movies which seem to remain popular and which critics and commentators seem to appreciate, but which I think don't deserve the adoration. Close to making the list, The Avengers, Up In The Air, Monsters, and any number of others. The Dark Knight Rises would be here but I've already mentioned it. The good reviews that got when it first came out are proof that critics are influenced by studios into giving good reviews, as anyone with half a brain could see it was horseshit. The following are more overrated movies.

6. Wall-E

For whatever reason, this got the best reviews ever. It's got some great, beautiful, scenes, but man does it go on too long. Also, the whole 'romance despite being able to say one word only thing' got really annoying really fast. Which is a shame as that's one of the central tenants of the movie. Also there was a half baked notion not to trust technology, as well as to appreciate the earth and don't sit in a pod all the time. It's a good looking movie, but not one I'd rewatch endlessly. A Special Mention, also, to Pixar's Up, which is all downhill after the first few minutes.

5. Knocked Up

 I really don't get the appeal of this. I admit that I am generally not a fan of Judd Apataow movies, mainly because they're comedy movies which aren't funny. This applies especially here, it's filled with failed gross-out jokes, unlikeable characters who you couldn't possibly care about, and makes awkward nods to societal problems. The result isn't entertaining, funny, or interesting. She's nearly fired for being pregnant? Interesting. She kicks the idiot who knocked her up out of the car and screams a lot? Hilarious. He's a manchild who lives with a bunch of unfunny friends of the director? ROFL. I can't fathom how this is held as a modern classic, it's shit. I saw this with an ex, and she whispered half way through 'I really hope they have an abortion.' It was one of the only times I laughed during that movie.

4. Saving Private Ryan

Ok this is fine, in a boys on a mission kind of way. It's got some good performances (although NOT by Ted Danson, who's terrible in it) and some good scenes (particularly the breathless opening scenes of the Normandy landings) but it devolves into a 'search and trek along' movie pretty quickly. Also, the things with the crying old man at the beginning and end are utterly irrelevant, and the music is too saccharine and emotive for anything. Good, but could so easily have been better

3. Inglourious Basterds

Tarantino is another director who I'm not really a fan of. Most of his movies are too long, too self-absorbed and too overrated. The dialogue is irritating. Pulp Fiction hasn't aged well, and it is remarkably contrived. It's like something a perverted idiot who thinks he is clever comes up with. I should know. Anyway, Basterds was also given good reviews and I think an Oscar nomination for best film. I know people who consider it a great movie. It's not. It's overlong and predictable. For example, the scene in the bar was always going to end in a massacre, and still managed to go on for an eternity. Meanwhile, the loose playing with history, is not just stupid, it's offensive. I can't think of a movie I dislike more. Even Christopher Waltz's performance wasn't as great as everyone says. Top of my list for why I hate this movie though, was the Bear Jew. He had been bigged up by friends. Instead we see a wussy, not-very-big guy with a high pitched voice. He killed unarmed Nazis with a baseball bat. A 9 year old kid could do that. The conclusion, after at least an hour too much of this shit, is a mugging Brad Pitt at the end and he says something like 'I think this might just be my masterpiece' moments before it says 'Directed by Quentin Tarantino' - what a smug shit. A terrible movie, terribly overrated.

2. Terminator 2

It's a fair movie, although it is overlong (how many visions of a nuclear bomb does Sarah Connor need to see?) There's a reason it's iconic: A scary, impressive CGIed bad guy, an outgunned Arnie, and some great action scenes (the one in the truck is good) etc. There are, however, a few things which drag it down: The first movie had an intimate charm about it: people got shot, and it wasn't overblown. In this movie people don't get shot, and it's incredibly overblown. It's probably the movie that made the Transformer movies possible. Also, the kid is incredibly irritating, he's just the worst. This is a good, solid action movie, but one which often held up as one of the best movies of all time (at least by a couple of mates of mine). It isn't.

1. Broken Flowers / Lost in Translation

I have a fair amount of time for Bill Murray, he can do good work, such as in Ghostbusters (which is also hard to enjoy because of its mental fans) and he's also good in some Wes Anderson movies, and things like Zombieland. He's not good, however, in movies he's serious in. Broken Flowers was held as a great indie movie, but was interminable. Lost in Translation is abysmal, and I feel like I'm taking crazy pills when people talk of it as something more than self-absorbed, fish-out-of-water boring nonsense. Bill Murray can be good, but he can also be terrible, these two, and the almost unwatchable Caddyshack, are evidence of the latter. I can see how he's a cult hero, but hate people that wear shirts with his face on it and will hear no wrong about him. He's good, but he's not the Messiah, he was Garfield for fucks sake.

There you go. Movies I don't like. If you disagree, I don't really mind. 

People i'm surprised and pleased are still alive.

For reasons too bizarre to explain, I have been reading the autobiography of Cheetah, the chimp who was Tarzan's assistant in the the Tarzan movies of the 1930s. I was surprised to find that at the time of writing (I think it was at least partially ghostwritten) the chimp was living in retirement in Florida. Looking at various websites, he appears to have died only very recently, at age 80 or so [source]. Also, the guy who made the famous movie 'Onibaba' died last year, aged 100. My family, a hedonistic and cancerous lot, tend not to make it to 60, and so being outlived by a Hollywood chimp is very interesting to me. So, I spent some time researching people who I would be surprised to find out were still alive. It's been one of those kind of days.

 There are so many bizarre websites around that confirm whether people are dead or not, and to be honest I don't think they should be encouraged, so I'll give you the highlights from the half dozen or so that I perused.. Also, the following list includes people whom I have heard of at least obliquely. It might be impressive that there is a Hungarian chess master alive at 108, but I'm not surprised by it as I hadn't encountered him before. However, I am surprised and glad that the following are still going:

Eli Wallach (Born 1915)

I knew that he wasn't long dead, as I'd seen him in Roman Polanski's interminable 'The Ghost Writer' a few years ago, but he looked diminished and shrivelled even in the third Godfather Movie, which is not only terrible, but almost 25 years old. This also got me thinking that I haven't Seen The good, the bad, and the ugly in a decade, I wonder if it'll be as good if I watched it now?

Tatsuya Nakedai (Born 1932)

Another surprise, and a hugely famous and established actor. Star of not only the Human Condition trilogy, but numerous movies by Akira Kurosawa, including Yojimbo, High and Low, and a very brief cameo in Seven Samurai, which was 1954. I suppose that he looked ancient even in Ran, which was 1985, so just assumed that he had died by now. Luckily that was just effective makeup. In a recent interview on the Criterion edition of Yojimbo he not only looked alive, but looked pretty damn good.

Lots Of People Involved In The Original Godzilla (1954) 
Godzilla, lest we forget, was brought to life by the Nukes dropped on Japan. It appears that most of these guys have had a good blast of life-extending radiation by being in this movie. Of those still going are the main, pretty-boy, love-interest scientist of the movie. Akira Takarada, (1934)  who is set to appear in a new Godzilla movie, 60 years after the original one. Also still going are Kenji Sahara, (1932) who was later to play Rodan (the fire breathing flying dinosaur one), and most impressively the two people who went inside the rubber suit of Godzilla. That's right, both the actors who played the original Godzilla are still going. The main actor, Haruo Nakajima, (1929) had a good career and starred in Seven Samurai in the same year. He's still going, perhaps more impressive is that his stunt double, Katsumi Tezuka, (born 1912) is also around. Stunt doubles aren't really expected to make it to 100. Must have been something in the water.

Gloria Stuart (1910 - 2010) 

Aka 'The Old Lady Gibbering Away Through Titanic' She died aged 100, in the year 2010. That's almost 15 years after Titanic. Anyone unlucky enough to have seen that movie would be surprised that she survived fifteen minutes after is wrapped up. 

   

U.S. President John Tyler (1790) Still has living grandchildren.

This one is pretty cool. In The 1840s, Tyler became the tenth President of the U.S.A in the 1840s. He had kids when he was 70ish, and then they had kids when they were aged 70ish too. That's probably not something you'd want to witness, but the result is his two surviving grandchildren, octogenarians who are alive and well in 2013. Pretty cool, in a creepy kind of way. [source]

Kirk Douglas (1916)

Paths of Glory was 1957, and he's still going. A guy I had thought had died relatively recently, but didn't. Good on him. On a side note, I have a very pronounced cleft chin as he does, unless I put weight on, and that's one of the first bits of my to fill in. It's very much a chubby barometer for me. 

Musicians still performing: Jerry Lee Lewis (1935), B.B. King (1925), Chuck Berry (1926), Little Richard (1932)

Berry, King and Richard are all old black guys, cool enough to do whatever they want, or to ever really age excessively ('black don't crack' is a new adage I've learned). However, they don't seem to really tour, just make a few welcome appearances now and then. What is most amazing is that the weedy, whitey Jerry Lee Lewis is still performing regularly, from what I understand, in Vegas and other places like it. White musicians just don't seem to age as well. Who looks better now, B.B. King or Mick Jagger? Did anyone see Ray Davies at the olympic closing ceremony last year? that dude hasn't got long to go either, by the looks of things.

Lauren Baccall (1924) 

I'd just assumed that she'd have died by now too, and she's not even 90. That's what you get for marrying the much older, much less attractive Bogart.

Shirley Temple (1928)

Another I had just assumed was dead. It's hard to imagine that the highest box office draw of the 1930s is still around in a healthy mid 80s. I don't see Justin Bieber or any modern child stars making it to that age, and I look forward to various drug problems and arrest of that little cretin.

There you go people, spread this information. Also, I keep forgetting that Jack Nicholson is still around, mainly because he looks so different from how he did in, say, Easy Rider compared with say About Schmidt - it is like it's two different blokes. I'll add pictures to this later, but can't be bothered now. Enjoy the Sun!

3 Great Ways To Dismiss People In An Argument

You're in an argument, but it's not going well. Or, you're in an argument and it IS going well. These three techniques will help you turn the tide in your favour:

1. 'Yeah, yeah' - your enemy makes a point, and you dismiss it with a 'yeah yeah' and change the topic. It shows you don't care, and that's enough.

2. 'Get Fucked' - best with an accompanying heavy sigh, as in 'pff, get fucked' before you move onto new topics. the thing to remember with arguments is that no one has ever changed their mind as the result of one. This accepts that, and insults the cretin you're against. Everyone wins.

3. 'Ah, Blow It Out your Ass [Name of person arguing with you]' - A very underused but extremely important dismissal of someone. It's brutal, graphic, honest, disgusting, and rare enough to still have a shock value. A true winner.

There you go, you'll be unbeatable in arguing now. Hope everyone is fine.

British People: An outsiders view

When not talking about Soccer, even when the season is over, or the weather, which is incredibly uneventful (I've seen lightning once in my entire time here), The Brits have two topics of conversation:
1) How much they dislike certain foods.
2) How terrified they are of spiders.

Both of these are enough to make a right-minded person want to murder them all. For the second, there are no poisonous spiders in The United Kingdom, and yet even the toughest of people, male and female, will stand atop a chair shrieking when one arrives. It's pathetic.

Even more pathetic is how averse to food people are. I know adults who will refuse point blank to even try a food, or a cuisine. A close friend of mine, intelligent in every other way, refuses to eat vegetables. Like a 3 year old child left to feed themselves, they eat fish fingers on toast for dinner. I know other people who don't like onions, cucumber, fish and any number of other things. It's no wonder that the obesity rate is so high when you have the palette of a toddler. It must be the same in other countries I've lived in, but they keep it to themselves presumably. What's amazing is that the Brits I know with food wussiness seem to be immensley proud of how picky and childlike they are. It's this narrow-mindedness that cost the British their empire.

4 New National holidays that need to happen

I've written that I think that Valentine's day has been taken over by couples trying to outdo each other into showing each other love. Father's day is coming up, and is, along with Mother's day, just a cheap and thoughtless excuse to buy gifts to assauge your guilt at ignoring your parents for the rest of the year. Here are some other, more thoughtful days I think should be mandatory. For the record, I don't mind the notion of a Thanksgiving - aside from the whole political and historical aspects of it - it seems to be used to get together and eat (always a winner) but it also stop Christmas being advertised too early in the US. Here are the other ones I agree with:

1. Be A Dick Day

Most people are dicks. This would give the people who aren't dicks a chance to get it out of their system. Tired of moving onto the road for a fat businessman in a suit who tuts you as you pass? Why not put your shoulder down and see him fly? Tired of being the crying shoulder of idiot girls at work? Tell them that they are unloved because they are unloveable. Tell them that they only think all men are pigs because they only go out with one group of asshole friends. Take advantage of someone, go out of your way to start a fight, laugh at people less fortunate than you. t's back to normal tomorrow. As long as no laws are broken, I think it'll be a real stress reliever. However, few people will actually admit to being dicks, and so everyone would just be more of a dick than usual.

2. Get In Touch With An Old Friend Day

Think to yourself about a mate you've left along the way, and get in touch with them. Let them know you miss them. This is potentially soppy, but pretty easy to do.

3. Contact A Crush Day

Replacing Valentine's day. Put yourself out there, let someone you like know that. They can reciprocate, or reject, but there's no stigma attached to either answer on Contact A Crush Day. It either works or it doesn't and the day after you move on. There need to be more days for single people to get together, and this one would be great if it left out people in relationships. 

4. Reinforce An Enmity Day

Remember an enemy you've made, possibly one you've almost forgotten about. Let them know that you haven't forgiven them, only forgotten. This day reminds ourselves why we are right and the other person is wrong. I don't agree, necessarilly, with the concept of 'forgiveness,' and a day like this would be helpful in maintaining an enemy. Think to yourself what this person did to you, remind yourself why you either hate them or no longer talk to them, and let them know that you hate them. That's the important thing, it can't be silent. This is tied in to Effigy Day, a day when you make an effigy of an ex and burn it in a ceremony.

That's a start, what do you think? Remember, you set your own 'Be A Dick Day', so go nuts.

Return of the Disappointments.

I think it's best to leave things as they are in many cases. Parks and Recreation will bring a new season which will almost definitely tarnish its reputation. Jimi Hendrix's image probably wouldn't grace the walls of every student if his youthful looks has faded into middle age, and his now short catalogue tarnishing itself with every new album. Would Jim Morisson be a hero to your most drugged up friends if he was still around, as wrinkled as a Rolling Stone? Would a surly Kurt Cobain now be living in obese seclusion, eleven albums into a Nirvana career, instead of killing himself at 27 and inspiring a new generation to sew badges onto their schoolbags? Probably not- often when it comes to art, brevity is the source of greatness: if you hang around too long, you end up ruining your mistique or proving your doubters wrong. There are some things you think ended well, and you're happy with how things are, but then they come back. Be it your favourite TV show, band, or movie, an comeback is often the worst thign that ever happened. Almost universally, they're not as  sharp, as fun, or as good as they were before. It's like seeing an ex-girlfriend dancing at a wedding and she's put on weight and looks like an alcoholic. The following are things which have come back from the past and disappointed me recently.

4. Indiana Jones 4

This is a little older than the most recent, but it still stings (especially as it was on TV not too long ago). The original trilogy were imprefect childhood favourites, and to see this (on the back of good reviews, no less!) was more than disappointing. South Park made that episode where their childhoods were raped, and as ever, it was right. Everything that made the original adventures so exhilirating and fun were gone, everything that made it special was replaced by a sack of leather pretending to be Indiana Jones, hiding in a nuked refridgerator. Really sad. Let's also not mention the childhood ruining that's taken place with Star Wars.

3. Soundgarden

Down on the Upside was a good end to things back in the day. It was no Superunknown, but very little in life is. It had a good few tracks and maintained the Soundgarden vibe, while also acting as a goodbye to the Seattle 'Grunge' Era. For the record, Pearl Jam don't really count, and Alice in Chains have actually come back pretty strongly. Soundgarden's decision to release a new album, so many years later, and its nothing special. It's pretty much bland modern rock, it's not groundbreaking or interesting, it's just a cheap rehash, despite the rave reviews. As much as I hate to say it, it probably would have been better if Cornell had just kept peddling his Timbaland produced nonsense than taint the good name of Soundgarden.

2. Black Sabbath

See above with Soundgarden. Technical Ecstacy was pretty bad, Never Say Die was terrible, Sabbath still had the first five albums to cement them into music legend. Their new album, with Ozzy Osbourne now being a deranged, drunken fame whore was to say the least, unanticipated. As it is, '13' is pretty disappointing. I've talked to mates about it and they say that 'it's better than it should be' and are happy with that. Is that the best we can hope for? I can't help but feel let down, particularly when other bands who Sabbath influenced are rockin' out so much better (Uncle Acid and the Deadbeats, or Graveyard, to name but two). I suppose the world's most influential heavy metal band have released somethign pretty much unmemorable.

1. Arrested Development

 Yeah. I was happy with the ending of Arrested Development. The third season was so desperate seeming and gimmicky, that it was kind of sad. It was good to go out on top, comedy wise: it seemed like a good time to end. It ended, and got more and mroe popular, and so this new series came out, after years of promises. I've only watched the new series once, but I don't see myself watching it dozens of times again, as the other three seasons all have been. thinking of watchign the first four or five episodes again is a chore, whle I would happily watch the whole original series again right now.

Season four has some good moments, and some of the bits are pretty clever, I'll admit, but it's definitely not as good. Arrested Development has tarnished its legacy in releasing this series. What was once a ground breaking-show, incredibly witty, funny and sarcastic, is now not the best show you'll see this year. It feels behind the times, partially because of its own influence on other shows. It's not bad (although the first four episodes take some sitting through) - but it's nowhere near as good as it was. It's the TV equivalent of the Michael Jordan playing for the Washington Wizards. Nice to see it, but it probably should have stayed in the box. Also, George Michael and Lindsay no longer look human - the fact that we are in a world where Michael Cera is a sex symbol despite his womanly hips, goober face and non-existant muscle mass means its a world I no longer want to live in. Portia De Rossi being only the latest female celebrity to use filler/botox to get 'Meg Ryan Face' is a huge disappointment in itself. She'd have looked better without it.

It's weird, there are still great things around, it's just no longer the things I once loved. Perhaps that's a metaphor for life (or something equally generic and cod-philosophical).

Hope everyone is fine, Pascal

Wallabies Squad for the Lions, And A Political Dicussion.

Hellow everyone, here are two topics which I can't discuss with friends anymore, so are getting some air time here: Muslims, and the state of the Wallabies squad, together at last?

An Army drummer, Lee Rigby was brutally murdered in London by two assholes claiming to be Muslim Terrorists. There was confusion at the scene, and one of the killers was interviewed, with blood on his hands and a knife in his hands by the press. This is bizarre enough, but the lack of factual reporting following it, and the padding of the utterly uneccesary 'rolling news' has been incredible. Rigby's weeping widow was interviewed only hours after the death. It has been a perfect example of exploitative reporting, bereft of facts and full of emotional impact for what is a horrible crime.

Worst of all though, is the follow up of this attack. These two assholes will be responsible for increased attacks on Muslims by tattooed, shaven headed idiots from the EDL, who should be as ignored as possible. Increased media attention by the two killers will likely influence Muslims, and possibly increase extremism. Also great to see is Theresa May, who used this occasion to try to push forward a new snoopers charter to monitor EVERYONE's emails to prevent this happening again. Any politician trying to rush through an ill-thought out increase in their own powers after a gut-wrenching occasion deserves nothing but scorn. She is a hateful old hag who fits in well in the Cabinet. These two murderous assholes trying to make martyrs of themselves will help no one. It's also getting far too much attention, and the interviews with them will recruit more people to the cause than their actions. Its was terrible work on the part of the press. Fuck everyone involved, except, of course, the guy who got murdered and his grieving family. 

In lighter, but still infuriating news, the initial squad of 25 for the Wallabies to play the Lions has been announced. There have been some injuries already ruling out, for example, Totafu Polota-Nau, while others with minor injuries will be given the chance to prove themselves, most notably George Smith and Hugh McMeniman. What is more terrifying though, is Deans' use of his favourties to pad his squad: I'm looking at the limited-and-can't-pass Rob Horne; the out-of-game-time Berrick Barnes; the useless-lump Sekope Kepu, the not-good-or-big-enough Dave Dennis, and the massive-but-constantly-injured Wyclif Palu. He's also strongly hinted that it'll be Luke Burgess who plays as back up scrum half. Luke Burgess who plays in France and is proven, even when in form, to be inadequate at international level. That's a real shit in the face of Nic White, who's playing in the country and is actually pretty damn good.

The rest of the squad is also worrying. There's no room for the mercurial Quade Cooper (although he'll almost definitely be in the extended squad). Quade Cooper could be a good sub player, to bring some impact from the bench. Meanwhile the excellent form of Matt Toomua, Jesse Mogg, Fotu Aulua and Hugh Pyle, among others, have been ignored for now. Some will say that you don't want to make debuts in a Lions tour, but surely having them around to practice with the others would be a good reward for their form this year and before. What's more frightening is that even squad members who do deserve to be there will be used in bizarre ways. Rod Simmons probably deserves to be a squad lock, but he'll end up starting. James O'Connor is a good player with an x-factor, but he'll be played in a crucial position which isn't his best. Berrick Barnes is a good player, but as someone to close off a game. If he starts, he'll kick the ball out of hand and squander good possession. Israel Folau is an incredible talent, but he'll probably be chucked on the wing like a turd, despite never having played their in his entire life.

Also, Sekope Kepu shouldn't be anywhere near the squad. Dan Palmer is a better scrummager, Paddy Ryan and Scott Sio have better form and more drive.What's annoying is that there is a squad worth of players in Australia who would rip the Lions to shreds, but those players will be played out of position, or not at all. It's a terrible shame. If Luke burgess makes the extended squad I am officially hoping for a Lions win. I'm also looking forward to the State of Origin too.

Hope you're all just dandy.
Pascal.