Ok, you're a British person, living in Britain, and you have just met an Australian in a bar, club, at work, or wherever. These will be the seven things you will say:
1. Why did you come here? (a.k.a. Why did you leave Australia to come here?)
With the 'HERE' bit making it seem like I had voluntarily given up living in heaven to slum it up with some pale mere mortals. Yes, there is sunshine and beaches, but there is also Karl Rove, Tony Abbott and Private School girls. Either way, it's not very welcoming, and it makes you seem like you're not proud or happy to live where you live.
2. Haven't you come a long way?
This one is more fun, but it's asked a lot, particularly of me. I suppose people don't imagine that I am able to make such a long trip myself, so am complimented on it. The tone also gives it away, the same happy question you would ask a cat 'Where have you been? Who's a clever boy?' or to a kid who has just received a new toy. I think this reflects worse on me than on British people. Anyway, I don't mind that one.
3. I have a cousin in Perth Adelaide / Darwin
Often this is followed by 'do you know them?' I don't, and for the reason that Perth, Adelaide, and Darwin are where new migrants are forced to live for a few years before being allowed to move somewhere nicer (i.e. Sydney, Brisbane, Melbourne). Still, I usually follow it with, 'you ever been there?' or if I don't like this particular person, tell them that those places are dumps filled with English and South African people (which is largely true).
4. I actually went to Australia on a gap year / holiday etc...
Usually posh people tell me that, and I can guess every single place they went to when in Sydney, and all the stops in between. Often that's due to their lack of originality, often it's because they swarm to the best places. However, there are bars which are constantly filled with English gap year students, drinking English ales and eating pork scratchings, even when it's 35C. Those places are to be avoided.
5. Cold enough for you?
In the United Kingdom, it's always cold; there might be 5 days a year where it gets above 25C, in Sydney, I saw a girl shivering in a coat, scarf, gloves and boots, it was 24C (incidentally she had on other clothes, and wasn't a flasher, unfortunately). I've lived here nearly five years now, and still haven't gotten used to it. Although I am as pale as milk, I was in Australia too... so, yes, it is cold enough for me.
6. We beat you in the ashes / some rugby match etc
This is only put forward by drunk people, and it's fine, usually it's in a sport I don't care about (soccer, for example) but I never bring it up myself. Still, it happens, you don't need to be a dick about it on the rare occasions when England do win (also, to call that England Cricket team anything but mercenaries when there are at least 4 South Africans in it is something else). However, I can handle that, but what I don't understand is the use of the word 'We' - as in 'we beat you?' - no you didn't, the team you support did, you sat around eating pies and drinking ale.
7. Something about poisonous snakes:
This is less common, but most welcome; it's almost universally girls who ask, and typically (though not always) a sign that you're being hit on. From here you can use any number of smutty innuendos to counter it, "ever handled an Australian snake?" and other such witty gems. Anyway, British women is my answer to Point 1 usually, especially if you've ever talked to a typical Australian woman (although I am legally bound to admit there are exceptions).
8. Hey, I'm drinking Foster's!
Yeah, Fosters isn't drunk in Australia, and if it is, it isn't drunk for long. It's a British thing, so I'll forgive you.
Anyway, hope you've enjoyed that, there are others, but... hungover...
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