Worst things in fashion right now

Hello!

Usually I can walk around town without wanting to kill people. But yesterday, a mix of hunger, slow-walking people who don't let you pass, and an endless parade of tossers, meant that I was imagining a giant satellite shooting beams down and killing masses of people (cool huh?). I tend not to follow fashion too closely, mainly because I'm too poor to dress like a fashion-savvy dickhead, and too clever to get sucked into it (or am I? - actually I suppose I am). Anyway, here are the 5 worst 'fashionable' things I saw yesterday on my tip through town. What pisses me off is a mixture of the fashion itself, and the fact that these people really think that they are the boss: it's unfounded arrogance. My advice: to keep egos down, don't fuck anyone with any of the following 5:

1. Ironic Beards:

By that I mean beards grown by people to look fashionable, and not in order to be funny. Although you have to monitor yourself constantly for hipster-beard, growing a full beard is often funny; as are novelty beards, for example:

Pretty funny, also pretty gross.

Instead I mean beards which: take a lot of effort to maintain; are done for fashion rather than amusement, and especially those with patterns. For whatever reason, people who grow these beards tend to be collossal dickheads. This pisses me off not because it takes effort, or because I'm jealous, but because you look like a bell-end, yet you are still swaggering around, ruining every bar you come into.

Yeah, I've still seen worse in upmarket Edinburgh bars.

This is a good example, but for the full effect, you'd need it to be a posh-guy in a sleeveless jacket. 

2. Leggings: 

Ok, leggings isn't good for anyone. If you're attractive and wear them, you're not doing us a favour by allowing us to look at your hot buns: you're admitting that you think you are attractive. This in itself is a huge turn-off. If you are of the enormo-persuasion, as seems to be the norm:..

I was amazed, and not in a good way, at how many pictures there were like this on a mere google search. The Internet is a terrifying place. [source]

If you have put on a couple of extra pounds, or if the guys from my basketball team find you alluring, then you're not doing anyone a favour by wearing leggings and nothing else. Only the rest of my team wants to see your cellulite-y ass waddling along (seriously, we had a match where the team girlfriends came along, it was like a collection of spinning tops cheering us on.)

However, this makes me dizzy. 

On a personal note with leggings: I will forever remember seeing a girl pushing her boyfriends car in the snow   in the dark -who says chivalry isn't dead? Another car came up behind her and the headlights turned her leggings see-through. You could see underwear and her tattoo, a devil on her ass cheek. I looked at the driver of that car, and we gave the 'not bad' look to each other. Similarly, I will never forget, even if I wanted to, a girl in a Jack Wills jacket and leggings, talking noisily on the phone, her pubic hair sprouting through her leggings like egg cress. Despite this, she still thought that she was the boss. Unbelievable.

3. Girls With One Shaven Side Of Head:

This really seems to have become the haircut of choice recently. A girl friend of mine had told me that this was because one of the Saturdays had the side of her head shaved. For those not in the know (I wasn't either), the Saturdays are a less talented, more chlamydia-ridden, British version of the Pussycat Dolls.) This rebellious act seems to have caused every 18-25 woman who lists their interest in 'fashion' and 'photography,' in an original move, to shave the side of their own head. This is bad enough, but my investigations online suggest that it comes from some Dubstep guy called Skrillex. For those of you not in the know, Dubstep is the music idiots listen to. I would have been happier not knowing these people existed.

For example, look at this. Everything about her screams 'try-hard!' and 'nightmare!' simultaneously [source]

And the only thing worse than this chicks hair, facial-pose, and glasses which she almost definitely doesn't need, is that nothing you can say will bring her down. [source]

Anyway, if you have that haircut, and are reading this, you don't look cool, or edgy, you look like a nightmare, and that's the reason why the only people who fuck you are people who hate you, and have...

4. Pants Way Down Low:

Subtly taken by a friend while doing shopping. It looks like he's shit himself.

I've heard that this has caught on from rap fashion, which was mirroring the fact that when you are in prison you had your belt taken from you so you couldn't strangle yourself. I've also heard that it was a sign that you were available as a sex-object in prison. As you can see in any town now, the belt is now used to keep the pants at that level, allowing everyone a view of your sweaty, cheap underwear. Anyway, if you are wearing it, it makes you look like you're hauling a nappy full of shit around. If you are wearing a belt, but you keep having to haul your belt up, then you're a dick.

I have also heard that this fashion has arrived from hip-hop, which would explain why it's mainly done by middle class white-boys. Call me crazy, but I don't think 2Pac would approve.

 What annoys me most is how universally this has been adopted. It's seriously everywhere. What makes it worse is how universally it will be forgotten in about a year or two: I've seen far too much sweaty man-crack for this to be ignored and then adopted by the next generation of idiots.

Although this might explain it.

From what I understand, this guy is for real. You can find it by typing in 'sagging master ' to google, although there are other results which are NSFW, and not safe for soul.

5. Bag on Elbow:

This refers to a particular look of a particular sort of girl, and which is nearly impossible to find a picture of. The girls I am thinking of, and who seem to be about 40% of Edinburgh's population, walk around in leggings, one arm filled with shopping bags, their purse, is held in the crook of their other arm. For some bizarre biological reason, their arms all point away from their body at the exact same angle. I didn't realise that I disliked this until I saw four girls yesterday wearing almost identical outfits, but with their arms at the identical level, it was a little frightening. (of course, there are no pictures of this, but this is something)...

[source]This isn't it at all, but I like how much effort she's gone to to obscure her face.

This is a little closer, but she's actually pretty, as opposed to the people I see, who merely think they are. Also she's not got three identically dressed mates in the same pose next to her.[source]

Unfortunately, it's impossible to find a picture of. I understand that you have to have a bag, and that bag is heavy, and that the crook of the elbow would be a good place for it, but I don't understand why you have to look exactly alike, and hold your arms in the same angle like a weird optical illusion. The pictures above don't really convey it, but I've decided I hate it. (N.B. it was difficult to find pictures for all of these, except for #2 - which was grotesque).


In conclusion: 
People who follow fashion do so for any of these three reasons:
1.) Because they are too stupid to develop a personality
2.) Because they want to look original
3.) Because they want to look the same as everyone else

and often an irreconcilable mix of these three reasons.

I know I sound like an old crank, but I really just hate fashionista tossers who should know better.

P.S. There are other fashion things which didn't make the list, but which are bubbling under. These include: guys wearing colourful jumpers with a single animal on it in an ironic way; goth fashion; check-shirt boys; and the now common neck tattoo. Weak.

Anyway, have a rockin' weekend.