So You Want To Become A Politician?

I've cracked it. If I didn't swear, liked people, and didn't have a history of sleeping with people with boyfriends, I would be an MP by the time of the next election. For any of you without moral baggage (or at least moral baggage which you can hide from the public) here is the step-by-step walkthrough to enable you to best a political rival every time:

How To Survive Any Situation:
  Them: Seemingly easy question about policy (which may or may not be a trap)
  You: Talk around the subject for several minutes, without giving any definitive facts or statements. At all times, thank your party for the work which they are doing in this important area, no matter how unimportant the area is. Blather on until...
  Them: Interrupts, asking you to answer the question, or telling you to get to the point (particularly clever ones will use 'facts' and 'figures' to try to get you to spill the beans. Ignore them, instead saying...
  You: Say "Well, I was getting to that, if I could get a word in edgeways" - you have no intention of doing so, but this will make them look unreasonable, and an obstacle to progress. People will associate you with wisdom and benevolence.
(N.B. If they try to protest that they merely want an answer, you say, "wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, well I will get to that, if you'll let me...")

If That Doesn't Work: 
If a fact is brought up and the formula above doesn't work, then the solution is also simple. You merely blame the opposition for their work in hindering or enabling the current situation. This again has no reflection on who actually made policies and decisions. It is important to never admit fault. Instead, say, with a straight face, "unlike my opposition, I don't resort to bi-partisan bickering."

What To Do Next:
After that, go home, masturbate while wearing your mistresses clothes, but don't get caught (this also applies to auto-asphyxiating masturbating, we have had too many good MPs die wearing a gimp-mask, hanging themselves up from a buttress). After this, finalise work on cutting benefits to ordinary people, then talk to friends in big business and banking about tax breaks. Wage illegal war, and wonder why people don't trust politicians. Repeat formula for 20 years, gain important Cabinet position. Retire to either House of Lords, or to lucrative after-dinner speaking circuit, speaking alongside such charismatic luminaries as John Major.

The end.

(On a side note, politicians calling the electorate 'ordinary people' is one of my absolute hates. If we are 'ordinary people' it means that they view themselves as anything but 'ordinary people,' - it's incredibly patronising.)