Tattoos, some thoughts.

I was shopping the other day on my way home from work. The guy in front of me in the queue was wearing a vest and shorts. I was wearing a full length jacket and a suit, so it wasn't warm. His arms were covered in tattoos (a heart with mum in it, a Japanese symbol, those swallows that suggest you've been in the navy a British flag) but because he was in his forties and cragged looking, his tattoos had started to fade. This is bad enough, but he had face tattoos also, the tear on the eye on the right side of his face, 'cut here' on his neck, and something I'd never seen before, the left half of his face tattooed completely blue. It was pretty stupid, and pretty intimidating. His six year old kid came along to help him do his shopping. Bizarre.

This got me thinking about tattoos in general. Since I was about 19, I've made a rule not to go out with anyone without a tattoo, but today this means instantly discounting about 80% of the population. I am not so concerned about their permanence, I just don't think they look very good. Also, they suggest a lack of imagination which isn't attractive. It seems like a huge proportion of the population now sports at least one, even David Cameron's moron wife has a dolphin on her ankle. Dolphins, angels, meaningless Asian symbols, family names. These are the most common you see. None of them are interesting or rebellious. None of them look good. Also, more and more people seem to have neck tattoos. That looks stupid now, imagine how bad it will look in 20 years time. Also, it can't be that rebellious if everyone has it. You just look like a low I.Q. simpleton.

I really enjoy that tattoo places now are the same places you now go for tattoo removal. It's like having a bar and an alcoholics anonymous meeting in the same place. Anyway, here are some of my favourite tattoos from the internet and among mates (all are safe for work):

Making light of amputation tattoos:

Good news and bad news, Mr. Richardson. The bad news: we'll have to amputate the arm. The good news: Well... you know you were talking about dolphins earlier?

Male Nipple Tattoos:

'Why?' Tattoos:

Monkey and Ape Tattoos:

 

  

 

Children Tattoos: 

 

A Book Review (About Animal Attacks)

I'm a bit banged up at the moment, and as I recover, someone was kind enough to give me a great new book. The Book of Deadly Animals by Gordon Grice, it's a book on how animals predate on humans, and notes a lot of animal attacks throughout history. It's written in a really amusing and often sarcastic way, and yet has a respect for animals which is good to see. Its environmental message is not overplayed either, which means that even idiot climate change deniers can in theory enjoy it. I recommend it to anyone,

For me though, the best attacks aren't all of those which were most deadly. For example, I already knew about the shark attacks on the survivors of the USS Indianapolis CA-35, or that tiger which killed hundreds of people in India in the 1930s. Instead I enjoyed things that I had never heard of or even though of before. For example, at page 116 we learn that only one person has ever been injured by a giant squid, which batted him with a tentacle when it was slapped deliberately by an oar. Also, I didn't know (but always really hoped) that if you anger an octopus in the water, it can follow you out of the water, crawling along the sand to catch you. Also, I had no idea that sloth bears are the most violent and aggressive of all the bears, despite looking like some shaggy Muppet deity: 

Looks like it's wearing a mask, but can still tear your face off [source]

The following are my five 'favourite' stories from the book, by that I mean things which I've talked to other people about

1. Komodo Dragon (pp. 164 -8)
I've already admitted my fondness for the Komodo Dragon, and I remember this in the news when it happened. In 2009, a park ranger on the island of Rinca was doing paperwork in a hut when he was attacked by a Komodo Dragon.The hut was accessible only by a ladder, which the dragon climbed before lunging at the man in his desk. It doesn't say, but I imagined it was from behind, so he'd be working one minute, then terrified the next- although hearing something coming up the ladder and expecting a human but being met with a Komodo would also be a good story. They fought for a little while before the man jumped from the window to safety.


2. Rhinocerous (p. 160)
This is a pretty gruesome story, but I suppose rhinos owe us some pain after we chop their horns off for no reason whatsoever.the story isn't verified, but is certainly possible: a group of slaves were being marched along a path, each shackled around the neck, and tied to the man before and after him. A rhino charged a man in the middle, reducing him to pulp, but the force of the attack broke necks of the other twenty men. It's an awesome display of power, and  it's from a really grim time in our history (unless you are from those parts of the world where slavery still goes on).

3. Buzzard (p. 174)
Less horrible, a buzzard is a large predatory bird, which I have seen terrorising the enormous seagulls in Scotland (seriously, they're so big). Anyway, in 2004 a buzzard attacked 22 people on a bicycle race in Devon, England, damaging the helmet or person in all cases. A bonus for you relating to birds: a Redtail Kite that nested near a golf course in Illinois attacked at least 60 golfers over four years. Awesome for so many reasons.

4. Centipedes (pp215-7)
Grice admits that as far as he knows, no centipedes have ever killed a man (although I remember distinctly being told by an 'animal safety' guy at school that one killed a girl in Perth (Australia) so we had to be careful around them.) Grice also gives the great description that they are like "a worm on many stilts."  However, what really caught my eye was that there are around 60 species with 'REPUGNATORIAL GLANDS' capable of causing harm to humans. The most insane one, desmoxytes purposea exudes a venom which contains cyanide. In case you're worried about a silent attack, it looks like this: 

It looks like some weird sex toy for an act I can't even imagine. [source]

5. Gorilla (p. 343)
Another one which was interesting and sad. In Dallas, Texas in 2004 gorilla was pelted with ice and rocks by two teenage boys. The gorilla was in a 12 foot moat ringed with a 14 foot wall, which was covered in electric wire. The gorilla cleared the moat with a single bound and raised hell, attacking people until he was shot by the police. The two teenage boys are probably still alive. That's pretty grim news, so to cheer you up:

In conclusion: Great reading, he's a great story teller (he relates a lot of it to his own adventures in the wild) and also is a great place to have lots of animal stories together. If that doesn't interest you, I'll leave you with this: Giant Panda v drunk Chinese guy, if you want to find the result, read the book.

Miyazaki Ranked: Top 5

Continuing the countdown we now come to the top five. Having watched all of these, you can tell that the common themes in a Miyazaki movie are: a fear of industry and pollution; the damage caused by environmental degradation; hatred of war; magic or monsters living within a 'normal' human world;  characters losing their purpose or being and having to rediscover it; humorous, often animal sidekicks; and most developed of all is a love of flight, particularly magical flight, propelled vehicles, and levitation. He often has female lead characters, particularly ones in their early teens. Here's the top five, the last five are here

5. Ponyo On the Cliff By The Sea [2008]

Plot: A young boy, Sosuke, finds a fish which turns out to be a mermaid named Ponyo. Together they must help each other decide whether the mermaid should stay on the land or return to the sea.

Ponyo In fish form [source]

Review: A Japanese take on the little mermaid: which means the little mermaid plus a bit of madness. Ponyo herself is a little frightening, but I suppose that's to be expected with her parents (a sea goddess and a mad scientist who lives underwater) - there is mild peril throughout, but at the heart of the story is a tale of love between two six year olds. However, it's a lot nicer than that sounds, a sweet, charming movie with some incredible scenes, the most obvious one is Ponyo's entrance on the fish-waves, and a less obvious one is the ineptitude of Sosuke's mothers driving, she's terrible. Still, a wonderful kids movie, and the animation is top-notch, especially the ocean scenes.  


Rating: 4 1/2

4. Porco Rosso [1992]

Plot: An Italian bounty hunter pilot, cursed to have the head of a pig, struggles to compete with a new American pilot brought in by his enemies.

Porco and the American pilot, Curtis. Why is he wearing glasses indoors? [Source]

Review: Despite the pig-head, this is the most straight forward and realistic of all his pieces. It's essentially a love letter to flight, and the scenes of flying are wonderful. It's set in the Adriatic sea and it looks even better than that does in real life. A tale Porco tells his engineer about a cloud prairie is brilliant. The movie is romantic, funny, spooky, and beautiful. It's a huge favourite of mine, despite the breezy plot. Magic.

Rating: 4 1/2

3. Spirited Away [2001]

Plot: A girl must work in a bathhouse for Japanese gods and find a way to return to the real world and recover her parents, who were turned into pigs

Pigs, a wonderful, delicious animal. [source]

Review: Probably the most famous Miyazaki movie in the West, and a great movie in its own right. There are so many cool things in it, my favourites: the radish god, the soot sprites and Kamachi in the basement, and the giant yellow ducks. On top of everything, you get a lesson about personal growth and morality, what more could one want? Oh, a giant baby and an evil sauna boss who looks like Margaret Thatcher? You got it. Incidentally, the street where the shops are at the beginning bears for me a more than passing resemblance to Newcastle-Upon Tyne's chinatown at dusk. 

Rating: 5

2. My Neighbour Totoro [1988]

Plot: Two young girls and their father move to a new house and wait for their mother to recover from an illness. They encounter a gigantic, benevolent spirit, Totoro, and his pals.

Totoro with a few pals. Is he based on a chinchilla? Perhaps. [source]

Review: The best children's movie ever? Probably, although Dumbo and maybe the Lion King are both pretty hot too. Totoro is spectacular, and it's peaceful and charming enough to enjoy as a fully grown person as well. There's no real bad guy in the piece, it's just a fond, evocative movie. It also has the Catbus, possibly the best thing ever. This was a huge favourite of mine when I was a kid, and it remains great fun now. Wonderful, magic, and a little sad, it's everything a movie, and life, should be. 


Rating: 5

1. Princess Mononoke [1997]

Plot: An outcast human intervenes in the battle between a fortified iron mill, a corrupt samurai and his army, and the sentient, intelligent animal gods. Among these gods are three giant wolves who have a girl, Mononoke, as an ally.

Is two wolves and a human enough to count as a pack? [source]

Review: I realise that that plot synopsis was insane, but it's as succinct as it can be. This movie is truly epic: violent and evocative, and sad, nothing is in black and white. It's very difficult to recognise who is bad and who is good. For example, the leader of the iron town is hellbent on profit and environmental degradation, but treats her villagers well. this is genuinely magnificent, and proof that not all (adults) movies have to be live action to be affecting or masterpieces. Also, the dub version isn't great, if you can, watch subtitled. 

Rating: 5

In conclusion: See all of these movies, at least four are masterpieces. That's all, go watch, now!

My sister has reminded me to comment that Miyazaki isn't the only director in Ghibli. There are other great movies released by the studio which he didn't direct. For example, my sister is a big fan of 'Whisper of the heart' and I also loved 'Grave of the Fireflies' even though it's so depressing it's untrue, despite being based on a true story.

That's that, everyone have fun, spend nothing, and love the one you've chosen to be with. Pascal.

Miyazaki Ranked: Bottom 5

Hayao Miyazaki is the founder, and most prominent director, of Studio Ghibli (Isao Takahata is also noteworthy, however). His animated movies are rightly heralded as genre breakers; bringing heart, emotion, and great attention to detail to the world. He has probably done more than most to show the rest of the world that anime isn't all giant robots and tentacle rape, and that it can offer a magical fantastic worldscape. As well as perfectly pitched childrens movies, and movies with more adult themes, there are others which appeal directly to everyone; probably the most obvious example of that is the oscar winning Spritied Away. He's now directed ten movies, and this is the countdown from the least impressive. 'Least impressive' is a relative term, as even these 'bottom' five are largely worth your time. The top five will come as soon as I've written it.
 
The format will be: a rough one sentence plot synopsis (which won't give away spoilers), my thoughts and then a rating. I'm aware that the rating should be obvious from how high it is ranked. It should also be noted that I don't look at plot synopses before I write my own, so they're often way off. Please also note that I am a huge fan, and at least 7 of these are great, and at least 4 of those are masterpieces, so please don't write nasty emails calling me mean names like when I said that soccer was boring. 

10. Howl's Moving Castle [2004]

Plot: A girl is changed into an old woman by a spell; as a war breaks out, she teams up with a mercurial wizard in a robotic, mechanical castle which roams the countryside.

How evil does this thing look? [source]

Review: This is pretty unimpressive stuff. the plot is jumbled, there's no real spark or magic, which is weird, as it's about a sorcerer and a girl changed into an old woman by a magic spell. It's also set in a land which is 'European' which is less interesting to me, living in Europe as I do. Overall, it's fine, and the artwork is great, particularly the castle itself, but the whole thing lacks that Miyazaki spark, probably because it's based on someone else work (my guess was 'Dianne Wyn Jones', and wikipedia tells me that it was Diana Wynne Jones, pretty close!) - The result is an unmemorable movie which seems longer than it is, and still has an incredibly rushed, little-too-convenient conclusion.

Rating: 2 1/2

9. Nausicaa In The Valley Of The Wind [1984]

Plot: In an apocalyptic world, the disparate remaining human settlements bicker and war with each other while also fighting giant worms, which may or may not be responsible for ruining the planets eco-system.

Scoff all you want, you'll never be as happy as her. [source]

Review: an early work, and one with much promise, but which kind of peters out and suffers from slow exposition. Still, the underground garden is nicely drawn, and there are several Miyazaki themes already in place: environmental concerns, the corruption of mankind through war, the beauty of nature, and Nausicaa herself, the archetype Miyazaki hero: a young princess floating around on a gldier, doing good, with a cute animal friend.

Rating: 3 1/2
 

8. Lupin III- Castle of Casgliostro [1979]

Plot: We follow the caddish master criminal Lupin, and his crew,  as they seek to overthrow a corroput European Principality, break into its impenetrable castle, save the world economy, save a beautiful princess, and settle some old scores.

Pretty primitive animation, but the story is still fun. Also, what's that fridge doing there? [source]

Review: This is a rough and charming crime caper adventure, and is pretty straightforward in plot and exectution. It's fun, and from what I understand the characters were already iconic in Japan before this was  released. However, it's a little rough around the edges and is notably less well animated than his other movies (because it's the oldest), also, the princess is a little too meek to be a real classic. Still, good fun.

Rating: 3 1/2

7. Laputa: Castle in the Sky [1986]

Plot: A flight obsessed adolescent boy and his friend, a cheery girl battle with a group of corrupt goons, and the military, to find a legendary castle in the sky, run by benevolent giant robots.

A picture of a mate at the Ghibli museum. He's the one who's not the giant robot statue.

Review: Another early, well-realised but slightly unfocused story. It's designed more specifically for children than some of his better works, and it lacks a little because of it. For example, a little too much is dedicated to action scenes, particularly a chase scene at the beginning of the movie which goes on for ages. Still, the robots are cool, and eventually prove themselves as killing machines, the castle in the sky itself is an awesome creation too. Overall, it's nice, but not quite up to that magical, intangible level that his best movies get to. Also, the dubbed version is terrible, watch it with subtitles.

Rating: 3 1/2

6. Kiki's Delivery Service [1989]

Plot: Kiki, a young witch, leaves home to find a new place for herself; she struggles to find her place in society, but comes around after meeting lots of interesting and helpful people along the way.

How cool does that look? Oh to be 8 again... and a girl (?) [source]

Review: Quite a sweet, odd litle tale. The central dilemma of the movie, as their is no real enemy to speak of, is how she will recover her love of life after she loses her mojo. I think the main reason she loses her nerve is because she's cast out of her house into a new city to fend for herself at age 13. It certainly didn't help me. The city she moves to is well-realised city, and there are some fun bits in the movie, as Kiki goes about her business. The cat is also fun too, especially when kidnapped by a collossal dog for the evening, although from what I understand, he's a little annoying in the English version, despite being voiced by a voice hero of mine, Phil Hartman. 

Rating : 4

Click here for the next five. I'd also like to say that I stand by the fact that soccer is boring to watch.

Dave Mustaine: Prick of the Day

Nothing is worse than young, rebellious rockers drying out, ageing and then endorsing Right wing politicians. Today we have Dave Mustaine, who after getting kicked out of Metallica in like 1982, released an album called "killing is my business... and business is good." Most sane people grow out of thrash metal by the time they are 14 or 15, but Dave Mustaine is still doing it at 50.

In 1992, he covered the Democratic Convention Which can be seen here, he expressed his frustration at the political system. By 2012, he was endorsing Rick Santorum, saying in a MusicRadar interview that whoever gets through the Republican Nomination, he hopes that a Republican will be in the White House after 2012. It's not such a surprise,  one shrivelled up, born-again Christian rocker supporting an intolderant fundamentalist Christian is pretty much to be expected. Santorum is one of those guys who is anti-gay rights that he must be gay. Nobody comfortable with their sexuality would spend so much time and effort denouncing other peoples sexuality.

Let's face it, anyone who got kicked out of Metallica for being an asshole is themselves an asshole. Luckily, no one will listen to him, because he's a washed up old crick. Just retire and shut up.

Soccer (a.k.a. football)

There's a lot in the news about Fabrice Muamba, a soccer player who collapsed while playing and remains in constant circulation on the press. This is a shame, and it's good that he's being forecast a complete recovery. However, the reaction of the fans has been irritating. While I appreciate the sentiment, it seems a little forced. Why? Because the fans are awful, it really brings out the worst in people. I once saw an Everton and a Liverpool fan fighting in the street in Brisbane, Australia. At the games themselves, bananas being thrown at black players occurs in most leagues in Europe, including the Spanish league, of all places. Even in England, there are chants about low points in soccer history: Liverpool (which I have already written about as a city) and Manchester City fans sing about the Munich Air Crash; Arsenal fans hiss to remind the predominiately Jewish support base of Tottenham of the gas chambers. In response, they sing that Arsenal's manager is a peadophile. There are also chants about Hillsborough, where a bunch of soccer fans got squashed to death. Hilarious stuff. There are hundreds more of examplesof this of tribalised nonsense, and there's no need for it. Most of the players aren't local, and are hired in from Europe or South America, and feel no affiliation for the place they are playing for, instead the fans take it too far, chanting stupid songs, making every train, and every major city in the United Kingdom unpleasant to be in on a Saturday.

On top of this, it's making millionaires out of people who actively disprove evolution. Wayne Rooney would be working in a chippy if he wasn't so good at chasing a ball around. He earns over £250,000 a week, every week, as well as sponsorship. If that's not proof that the system is wrong, I don't know what is. Now he's a hero to millions, despite his transgresions (like paying to have sex with an elderly prostitute, aka humping a granny). There are players I know only because they are terrible people: John Terry has cheated on his wife numerous times, and been at the centre of racial abuse allegations. He looks like a dead-eyed nightclub date-rapist, and should be ignored. Instead he is the England captain, which means an entire country of tattooed morons will go on about him being a 'hero.' Peter Crouch looks like South Park's Timmy, but he is bedding a skanky model.

It must be like being humped by a praying mantis [source]

All newspapers, not just the tabloids, are filled with soccer news and gossip, and if you've ever been in an English pub, it's all they ever talk about. As well as the players themselves, there is an unhealthy obsession with the dead-eyed, low-I.Q. women who fuck these idiots.

In conclusion, soccer encourages tribalism, it causes rifts between cities and brings out the worst in people, it has a near total press saturation, but the worst thing of all is: soccer is boring. Boring.

Greatest Injuries I've ever Seen

I've played a lot of sports, and have driven a lot, those things together ensure that I have seen more than my fair share of horrific accidents. My advice, don't drink and drive, if you do, expect to get the shit kicked out of you by the people you've injured. Anyway, here are the best 5 things I've ever seen in real life. In time I will add illustrations to add depth and understanding.

5. Guy can't outrun ogre
 Age 15 or so, playing a game of rugby. A guy sprints off into the distance, only to be caught by another overgrown ogre on my team. He tackles him from behind, by the shoulders. The other guys legs do a splits and his right leg goes the whole way up his back so that he kicks the back of his own head. Painful.
Result: Broken leg, dislocated hip.
Reaction: Everyone else looks uncomfortable, everyone then laughs awkwardly. He screams and weeps for at least ten minutes while we look for a stretcher. He is carried off on a stretcher. We then continued the rest of the match (played at walking pace because we were all in shock).

4. Guy can't slam dunk
 Age about 19, playing basketball in a tournament. A huge guy on the other team who me and a much taller guy had to double team went for a slam dunk, he failed, gotthe ball against the side of the hoop, and fell almost horizontally, landing on his elbow first. The elbow shattered, and the rest of his arm lay limply from his side. It was a little like this, except no one pushed him from the back in our case:

 

Result: Shattered elbow, probably a broken wrist too according to one of his team mates we talked to after. There was also a huge amount of blood coming from his fingers.
Reaction: He got up, walked off the court and straight to the medical station, who rushed him off to hospital. We finished the rest of the match (winning, if I remember correctly).

3. maniac doesn't know when to stop
Another rugby match this time. In the last year of school we were playing some local rivals, or 'local rivals,' as I'd only just joined the school. The biggest, hairiest guy on the team, who was and still is a tosser, played a half of a match after we all hear a horrific crunch in a tackle. After the match, he takes off his shirt to strut around topless (he was one of those guys) but can't get the shirt off his wrist because it is caked in dry, adhesive blood. He rips it off, exposing at least 5cm of exposed bone jutting out of his wrist. He fainted.
Result: Broken wrist, metal screws inserted into wrist, and no more rugby for him.
Reaction: A few people offer to help, the rest ignore him. He was that much of a genuine dickhead.

 2. Guy Forgets Human Biology
This was a good one, although at the time it was really unsettling. Our cricket team was playing away, and we had wrapped up our match before the other team who shared the bus with us did. We had waited ages, and were so bored we started playing soccer. A fat guy on the team tried to do a quick manoevre, which led to his leg twisting so much that his foot faced backwards, literally facing the other way. He tried to take a step with this backwards leg, but there was a loud, cracking sound, and then he fell to the ground and vomited in pain. It wasn't cool.
Result: Broke pretty much every bone in his leg, dislocated his hip, and was in an industrial sized cast for about 6 months. I think he learned to walk again.
Reaction: Two other people threw up, when he fell down, while everyone else ran off to find someone who could help.

1. Girl Throws Herself at Car:
At one of my old schools, there were a lot of buildings separated by roads which we had to cross. For some wee would have to cross town, I walked to get there with two girls from my class. At the end of the street, about 100m away from us, a girl from the same school was walking quickly, and started to cross the road, when a car swerved out of the way, which made her jump. The car then hit her, in mid air, and sent her skidding down the road, lying face down. The car's windshield was smashed, and the girl lay face down, her dress blowing up to expose her g-stringed, red-raw ass and mangled legs. Because I was only new at the school, that was the first time I had ever met her.
Result: She broke both legs, her ass-bone (that was where the impact was) a wrist, and because she had skidded up the road, was covered in scabs, which healed pretty well.
Reaction: Everyone pretty much freaked out, especially the driver, who when he asked her if she was ok, looked terrified when she lifted her head to expose a blood covered mess. I'd also like to take some chivalry points by using my jacket to cover her (impressive despite the accident) ass. The three of us were told off for being late, despite being nearly 18 years old. I didn't like that school.

Well, there we go, ther are others which really weren't fun, I've seen a guys eye socket collapse after being punched by a big Samoan guy,and saw a motorbike driver get flung under a truck after slipping on oil, but those aren't cool. The good things about all of those I've listed is, the people recovered.

hope everyone is ok, thanks for reading, Pascal.

P.S. As a bonus, I include a clip of an NBA player ruining their leg (a little like our friend at #2) I genuinely recommend though, that you don't watch this if you are in any way squeamish. Genuinely. You have been warned: P.S. I don't want to watch it, but not sure if this is it (they don't let you view or choose the specific youtube videos you upload, so would only be able to watch it)

 

Best Movies About Serial Killers

Another sinister turn from me, Pascal, as I discuss serial killer movies. These are either movies about the killer themselves, or how the police deal with them. Here are my favourite four, with se7en thrown in for good measure...  [Limited Spoilers ahead, but seriously, none of the following are particularly new, and all of them you should watch- so why not do that?]

5. Se7en (1995)

Who says only the Japanese can do great movie posters? This one is Wonderful! [source]

 Possibly because it's overhyped, but this isn't as good as the four others, though it is still very good. It also helps that I have a soft spot for it. You know the plot, and if you don't, you should check it out. The city itself is grimy, noisy and unfriendly, and the movie itself it full of hugely memorable scenes. For example, it contains probably the most famous cough of all time. The killer, John Doe, is cool, as is the whole premise of the movie. The two cops: the young,brash guy (Brad Pitt) and the older, more wizened guy (Morgan Freeman) are played in a way that it isn't the walking cliche that it sounds. As with many Fincher Movies, the opening titles are terrific. Another Fincher movie on serial killers is 'Zodiac' which is good, but more slow-moving and political. If you want a more sedate, realistic serial-killer movie, based on a real life crime which has yet to be solved, then see #2 on this list.

4. Cure (1997)

Another Cool Japanese Poster, most of the stuff on this doesn't even show up in the movie [source]

Another Kiyoshi Kurosawa movie, and another good one. Most of the case from Pulse are in this, but it's a more ethereal, sideways look at what possesses people to kill. The plot in essence tells of a man turning up in someone's life, with no recollection of what has gone before. He asks a relentless torrent of questions, and makes them feel uncomfortable. We, and the police, later see their wives, girlfriends or lovers all killed by the same method. The murderers readily confess to their crimes, but can never remember the reason for their actions. The main character, who is only possibly a killer, is a huge enigma which the police must try to unravel. He makes people uncomfortable, he seems to know a lot about people he questions. Is it a cult? hypnotism? It is something more cosmic? Why is a seemingly normal person leaving a trail of bodies in his wake? These questions are all allegorical for the aftermath of the Sarin gas attacks on Tokyo subways, and the movie is a confused response to that incident. At its heart is a deeper question, what makes us act how we act? The films conclusion, which suggests that the lead police officer has been infected / brainwashed is interesting and hypnotic, and suggests something greater than mere society. It's subtly magnificent.

3. Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986 - released in 1990) 

Here Henry (Right) and his rapist mate sit down and watch a video of a murder they did earlier... a perfect day [source]

A horrible movie, and one completely void of morals or regular societal values. Without comment or judgement, it deals with incest, date-rape, denial of family, and of course, murder, so much murder. I'm not surprised that this has been banned and edited wherever it was released. the story is: Henry and a friend kill. There's no explanation why they're acting like that (or in the end, why Henry acts like this) - there is a brilliant moment when he hints at childhood abuse to make him what he is, but that turns out to be a lie. He's just evil. The one woman whom we thought could bring out the best in him, and spurs him to his only positive act (he stops her brother from raping her), ends up dead in a suitcase on the side of the road. It's intense, it's horrible (although with a title like that should we be surprised?) but you won't ever forget it. Henry is grim, handsome, enormously muscular (look at him, he's colossal), and intimidating. Even 25 years on, he's the scariest thing in 'Walking Dead,' that Zombie soap opera. Looking this up, I've just found that this story is based on a true story. Not cool.

2. Memories of Murder (2003)

Old Detective and New Detective (Right), who looks a little like a Korean Graham Lineham [source]

A Korean movie, and easily one of the best I've ever seen (take that Oldboy). I was hugely surprised as to how good this movie was. It's based on a real, still unsolved number of murders rural South Korea in the 1980s. It follows two local police and the new detective brought in from Seoul to help solve the mystery. They don't get along: the ignorant local cops use violence and torture, they mock the new detective for his methods and rationale, which fails to gather results. In response to continual frustration, the new detective increasingly follows his less civilised colleagues methods, and all of them are hounded by a press corps bereft of morals or sensitivity. The 'capture' scenes, where the killers face is never shown, are filmed in terrifying detail. A scene on the rice fields is nerve-wracking stuff. It's compelling, morally ambiguous, a little violent, beautifully shot, and is set through with ambiguity, both factual and moral. On top of all that it's infused with healthy black humour. Brilliant.

1. Silence of the Lambs (1991)

Even in the muzzle, he still has a twinkle in his eyes... [source]

A great movie, and one which continues to terrify. Alongside the 'Chianti' scene, there are lots of scenes which stick with you. Alongside blockbuster scenes such as Lector's escape; Buffalo Bill himself, and any of the meetings between Jodie Foster and Lector, which form the backbone of the plot. She is a smart woman trapped in a stupid man's world: the Psychiatrist jailer in charge of Lector, the creepy bug Professor, even her Mentor, all hit on her, throwing metaphorical semen in her hair (which is better than Migs's "physical semen in the hair") However, she deals with it all, ostensibly at least, bravely. Her relationship with Lector has a wicked benevolence to it: he likes her because she's an outsider too. Furthermore,there are little details which add to the dread: the plump mannequin half covered in human leather, a brief glimpse of decomposing bodies in a bath, the girl holding the dog when she is raised to safety. What is also incredible is how little Lector is in the movie himself, it's largely the Starling show, and yet it's his terrifying shadow over the whole thing. This movie is now 21 years old, but outside of fashion, hasn't aged at all, and remains terrifying on a psychological and physical level.
 
In conclusion: If you watched all five of these, in reverse order, instead of sleeping, then you could start a spree of your own. On their own, these are all great movies, and well worth checking out. Hope everyone's had a great old time, in case you are worried, there are some funny posts coming up

Take Care, Pascal.

Things to avoid.

Jack Whitehall has been given another TV show, and being sent the trailer for it turned my day from 'good' to 'disappointing.' It's 2012, no one should be able to make a career out of being a posh guy. So, in honour of that, here are other things which annoy me intensely, and will be removed from society when this becomes a Pascalocracy. Most of these have been hinted at before, but I stand by them.

1. Guys who, when presented with a pretty lady (in person or on TV etc) say "I'd fuck her" as if that's a privilege for her.

2. People saying "we" won the rugby/football/soccer etc when the team they choose to support wins. So annoying, and so wrong, especially as the fatter and less athletic you are, the more likely you are to say this.

3. Perhaps a little more obscure, but this happened to me recently. I was filling up the car with petrol, and went to pay for it. In front of me in the queue was a fat woman talking about her two dogs to the teller. They could be seen in silhouette through the back of the window, and she was saying that the "girl is cleverer than the boy..." and then she added "just like humans" and turned to me with a malicious smile. She waddled off to her car, which - I kid you not - had a sticker on the back which said 'Powered by Fairy Dust.' Yes, a car powered by fairy dust is a real sign of intelligence, and will work well in reducing the gender imbalance. After she had left, the guy behind the till said 'what a fat bitch,' I had to agree. In conclusion, people who annoy me include these stupid, fat women who mistake their huge size and lack of intelligence for some sort of feminine triumph.

On a side note, there was a gigantic woman who I used to see parked outside a school near where I lived, who was always eating, and was so big she spilled over the handbreak, but who had a sticker on the car which said 'I didn't ask to be a princess, but if the crown fits...' on the back of her car. I hope diabetes has taken its toll on her. 

4. Having a facebook photo of you jumping on a beach. I mean you on a sandy beach, photographed in the air, your arms out and your legs kicking up. It's up there with 'relationship status: engaged to my best friend' as a signifier of a lack of imagination. Incidentally, my profile picture is me at the beach, but looking cragged and with feet firmly on the ground.

5. On a smiliar note, dealing with groups of girls in clubs posing to have their photos taken. All of them angled to the side, looking backwards, with their hand on their scrawny, cum-stained hips It's annoying to look at, it's annoying to navigate, and it's annoying my sense that we humans have the choice to be original in our views.

6. Guys talking about porn in polite company. I've encountered a few of these guys before, and not all of them were Australians, but there is one in the place I'm working now. He will sidle up and tell anyone, male or female about his preferred brand of porn. It's gross, and no one cares.

7. The last thing which is annoying me is the 3 or 4 people telling me to watch 'Archer,' that spy spoof cartoon. It's not as funny as it thinks, it's not original (Get Smart the TV show was out in the 1960s) and the voice acting isn't great in general, and the main character is too annoying to sympathise with.

There, did all of that without mentioning anything political (like that American soldier who killed 16 Afghanis has been airlifted back to the US to avoid trial), and there are a million other things which are niggling me, but this should do it for now. Hope everyone is having a great time. 

P.S. In an interesting note, the funeral I went to the other day, for a 88 year old grandmother to my cousins, and which took place in Central Scotland. It was hosted by a Korean-American Priest, who wore jeans under his robes and talked with a cool accent. I've just been sent the information that he was a Hollywood Agent who earned $3m a year until quitting to leave for a life of God. Why he would choose to come to Alloa (which is a dump) is beyond me.

Confessions

Last night I watched a movie with two friends. One a lovely lesbian, whose girlfriend recommended it to us, the other a straight guy. It wasn't a great movie, and it certainly wasn't as good as it thinks it was. It was called Confessions, a Japanese movie about revenge which used a non-linear plot and excessive slow-motion to cover up a pretty standard revenge movie. It was also incredibly overlong, which gave it an unwanted 'epic' feel despite it being non-epic in theme and tone.

It centres on a class of schoolkids following the death of their teacher's young child. Each of the main players 'confess' their actions as the plot unfolds. We're left with a few more deaths and everyone involved emotionally or physically ruined. You know the score, but it was interesting for a few reasons, hardly any of which were the plot, which was made even less interesting by the fact that nearly every character was completely unsympathetic.

For instance, the class of kids had at least 40 kids crammed into it, which was pretty intense. Despite being contemporary, only one of the kids knew that you couldn't get AIDS through drinking milk, and some of them think that they could catch it by breathing AIDS-infected air ("does this smell a little AIDS-ey to you?"). This occurred after the teacher infected the two kids who killed her daughter with AIDS milk, it's a really pleasant story.

There were two interesting people on show in the movie: one was the teacher herself, one the only schoolgirl to give a confession, Muzoko. The teacher herself is ostensibly the star of the movie, since she is the one to get the plot moving, but the actress who plays her suffers from a weird condition. She is very attractive from the front...

Yeah, attractive enough, until you rotate her 90 degrees. I wasn't joking about how many kids there are in the room hey? [source]

but whenever she is viewed in side-profile, she looked like a completely different, much less attractive person. Very peculiar, I call this condition 'hidefromsideviewitis.' It can be seen in the Facebook photos of anyone who only poses in one way (you know the type, she's hugging a friend to her right in every picture so that she looks her best - in all of her 3,415 photos).

The other, less morally approved incident for me was the character of Muzoko, a smart, seemingly misanthropic character who idolised an Internet figure who had killer her family and got away with it. She ends up dead. She was played by a very pretty actress, and one whom we all agreed would surely become a great beauty in due time. They often use girls older than their age to play schoolgirls in movies, and so we thought she may be 19 or 20 already. Imagine our (joint surprise) when we looked her up and found she was born in 1996. Isn't that ironic that my last post was partially about child molestation.

Anyway, my friend said that she would keep her on lay-buy, an Australian shopping process where you reserve something in a shop, which is kept on hold for you until you come to pay for it later. It's ostensibly to prevent you from either coming back later to find it gone, or lugging it around with you as you shop all day. Taking that to its conclusion, we'll ALL put her on lay-buy until she becomes legally ogle-able. But we all felt uncomfortable with ourselves. Personally, I haven't felt this bad since 'The Saturdays' came along.
Anyway here she is:

Yeah, give her three years, and she'll be either very pretty, or a Lindsay Lohan style wreck. Right now though, WAY too young for a room full of adults to fall in love with. [source]

                 
In conclusion: not a great movie, but interesting things in it. I will be in Leeds from Wednesday until Sunday, and so my survival isn't guaranteed. Today I am off to a funeral for a 91 year old woman I met once. It's sad, of course, and the constant reminder of mortality will probably make me the chief mourner. Have a great one everyone, and if you know anything nice in Leeds, let me know. Also, continue sending me poorly-written hate-mail. It makes my day.

Yours, P.

P.S. Logged back on to put the pictures up, funeral went down a blast: I was called handsome by a woman aged 95. Still got it ;-)

What cheek do you want me to turn?

"First the army, now marriage? Why do gays want in on all our worst institutions?" source

The following articles refers to attitudes to same-sex marriage, as opposed to the current situation where same-sex couples can enter into civil partnerships. In the U.K. Civil partnerships have a similar legal effect to marriage itself, although it is not officially approved of by the Church as a marriage before God. Great debate has gone on towards allowing same-sex marriages, and this debate has become more prominent after comments by Cardinal O'Brein, the most senior Roman Catholic cleric in the United Kingdom. O'Brein said that the idea of redefining marriage to include homosexuals would "shame the United Kingdom in the eyes of the world." I don't think it would. Here's why:

I think that legalising gay marriage would show the world that the United Kingdom, even under a mean-spirited, over-privileged Prime Minister like Cameron, is still determined to allow everyone the right to marry. Britain is still a reasonably large player on the global scale and this acknowledgement of rights would be important for global development towards genuine equality. 

In the same speech O'Brein said that same-sex unions are a "grotesque subversion of a universally accepted human right." I don't think he understands what a universal human right is, because it means a right which applies to all people, including- you guessed it- the gays. This either suggests that he thinks that homosexuals aren't humans, or that "universal human rights" only apply to heterosexuals. Either way, it's perhaps not the best way to show the empathy and compassion which are basic tenants of the Catholic faith. At very least, why someone who has taken a vow of chastity is commenting on sexual habits of others is beyond me. Perhaps he could explain to us how his god made homosexuals in order for you to deprive them of rights and to discriminate against?

Speaking of violation of human rights, I believe that it is a universally accepted right of people to grow up without being sexually assaulted by clergymen. There's a reason why Catholic and altar boy jokes have become cliche, because it has happened all over the world, again, and again and it has been like that for years. Child abuse is only practised by a tiny minority, it's not a tenant of the religion, and it disgusts most Catholic practisers as it does everyone else, but it does seem like the authorities of the Catholic Church should be the last people to take a moral high ground on homosexual activity.

Anyway, the whole thing came to a head last Sunday, when Roman Catholic churchgoers were read a letter telling them that "they have a duty" to ensure that same sex-marriage does not happen. It wasn't read out in every church service throughout the land, though it seems to have been read by a majority. The writers of this epistle, which is at very least intolerant, and at worst homophobic, were Archbishops Vincent Nichols and Peter Smith, two men who have now dedicated their working lives to sharing their opposition to homosexual marriage.

You might think that there are bigger things for the church to worry about, not least the ongoing sex scandals which still crop up from time to time. This sentiment was also hinted at by Ben Summerskill of Stonewall, who stated "it's a shame Catholic church leaders are so deeply opposed to a 21st-century balance of rights that they're not reading out letters about serious issues such as the AIDS crisis in Africa or the 2.5 million people who live in poverty in this country" - While there are undoubtedly progressive parishes where these issues, and others like them, have been made manifest, it is notable that the central powers of the Church seem to be most interested stimying homosexual marriage. Instead of encouraging priests to preach about charity, compassion and empathy, they are encouraged to preach bigotry and discrimination. 

Nichols and Smith are the last people anyone should be listening to. When even more religious nations than the United Kingdom, notably Argentina, have legalised Gay Marriage, and when even a Conservative Government is making strides towards homosexual marriage, it would appear that the battle is lost. Ill-thought out attacks on homosexuals by O'Brein will only help swing public opinion further away from the Church. This disrespects the five million practisers of Catholicism in the U.K. The vast majority of Catholics in this country are doing good, charitable, responsible work and deeds, who tolerate and empathise with the small majority of the population who are gay and want to get married. 

A Trip to the Bank

I am waiting in a queue at my bank. I need to put money in before I spend it. The queue is too long for the tellers, and time has passed. The woman in front of me is enormously fat, particularly around the belly. She is wearing a white shirt, which you can see through. Her tattoo is visible. It is angel wings on her back, mostly visible except for where her colossal bra is. It's not nice. She is eating a packet of bonbons noisily.

I look behind me, and see a man. He is greedily licking a mint cornetto. He wears a cap backwards, as well as sunglasses. Despite us being inside, and the day itself not being sunny or warm he continues to wear them. He wears shorts, exposing his oddly shaped legs. His shirt is too large and hangs off his torso. He is very skinny, and you can make out tribal tattoos around his shoulders, as well as those visible on his forearms. One hand holds his ice cream, and also his wallet, which has mint choc chips on it. His other hand is underneath his shorts and placed directly onto his genitals. He is at least 45 years old. I keep looking forward.

5 Best Pet (psychotic edition)

It is the distant future. The year: 2050, the human population: 9.5 billion. How do we feed all these people? Where is all the water coming from? Can the earth take any more? Those questions are irrelevant, because now, we have engineered pets. Despite the best work of our greatest scientists, we can only make animals shrink or grow to suit our needs. We can't, despite our best intentions, create things like this:

giraffe + turtle = Girtle

Elepigeon

Pig + Frog = Poglet

Tiger + Rabbit = Tibbit (probably)

Searill (I apologise for not being able to find the source of these, but they are kind of scary and kind of funny).

Instead: here are the best things that you can own.

6. Sheep, the size of a small cat.
These would be fun, they could mow very small areas of land, but you would need at least three to keep each other company (and, when the time is right, a full meal).

5. A gorilla which, when fully grown, would be the size of a housecat
Would still be powerful, but would be great fun to wrestle with.

4. A sloth, but the size of a volkswagen.
To sit in only the heaviest of trees. Would become a real status symbol.

3. a hippo the size of a guinea pig
Only the biggest bastards on earth wouldn't want one of these

2. An elephant, when fully grown, the size of a pug
An affectionate and loyal trnk-bearing friend. A bit like my friend, Frankie three-legs.

1.Tapir (giant version)
because what would be a better use of money than spending it on Tapirs?

I would also like to include, really small pigs, but they already exist as micropigs. Anyway, this whole thing was devised as a way to lighten up after my last post, which has been described as 'too intense.' Suggestion noted.

Long Term Relationships: A Post-Mortem

Let's go through my love-life, starting from age 15. We will have to use possibly incorrect initials here, as I'd like to preserve anonymity, but let's take a walkthrough of my previous long-term relationships. I don't expect anyone to find this interesting but me, but I'm sure it will prove cathartic:

1. H.F. (Just under 3 Years)
What happened? We had been together for the last couple of years of school, things fell apart when we both realised how much we had been cheating on each other. She was OK, very funny, and the cleverest person I've ever been with, but at the same time, very protective and jealous. My family didn't mind her, although she came on holiday a couple of times with extended family, my cousins in particular hated her, and I can see why, she was pretty stubborn, and wasn't particularly graceful about when she was right. She also had a really annoying laugh Also, her family were awful, her mother a constant nag, her father left the mother and started going out with schoolgirls. I saw him ask out a girl from my year a few years later, gross.
Where is she now? She is a professional naked life model and painter somewhere in England. Luckily I never had to pay to see, but it was all good.
Attractiveness: Hmm... an odd one. She was pretty, but not as pretty as she though she was. I thought she was pretty sexy, but I was at an easily manipulable stage in my development, so took account of my friends views who said she wasn't. She was short (only about 5'2) and relied too heavily on her boobs to get her by, though they were a thing of beauty. She also used to have to get waxed almost hourly (she was of Greek and Irish descent), which kind of made her arrogance about her looks a bit of a joke.Personality wise she was a bit of a drag, moody, possessive and asocial, but she was funny and really clever.
Are we still in touch? No. I called her and told her that we should meet to talk about our relationship. She brought another guy with her, they were "just friends." I told her that we should stick in touch, but that I wanted to move on, and she took that personally and still won't talk to me. Incidentally, the guy she brought along was her boyfriend for the next 2 years. An odd time in my life.

2. A.K. (6 months)
What happened? We met in university when we were both part of an informal friend group, we got to know each other more, and kept it secret from the rest of the group until coming out as a couple after months of making out. We were inseparable for about 5 months until she went to Germany on a work exchange thing, and it sort of drifted apart when she was there.
Where is she now? I think she moved to Thailand to teach English, but I'm not sure.
Attractiveness: Hmm... Another odd one. She was very nice, and really good company, so I didn't notice her looks too much. Her being fun to be around was an enormous surprise after H.F. (see above), but she was still pretty.
Are we still in touch? Yeah, which makes the fact that I don't know what she does or where she lives all the more harrowing.

3. S.R. (2 years.)
What happened? Still in university here, we met in second year, we both broke up with other people to be together, earning much resentment in the process. We were very much in love, and the first year we were together was passed in the gentle floatings of affection, physical attraction, and joy of new love. However, she became more and more jealous and possessive. She would screen calls and check emails, there was  also a long list of people who I wasn't allowed to talk to. She was also very clever, she would convince me that I was the one at fault, and would lash out if I would react. I'm not a very jealous person, and so my lack of jealousy was tested to the limit. For example, she'd go and make out with other people to get a reaction. She also manipulated my friends to think that I was the bad guy in the relationship. She had some abandonment issues (she had been in boarding school), and Daddy issues, which made her have trust issues. She also didn't deal well with stress, and had very limited control of her emotions. She was training to be a Dentist, which required some genuine hard work and stress. You can imagine how that went. I've never met anyone as moody as manipulative, nor as malicious. However, she hid all that for the first year we were together. During petty, yet spiteful arguments in the second year of the relationship, I kept thinking that she would change back to the lovely woman I knew, but never did. It didn't help that we were living together, and had no real outlet to escape each other.

 On top of it all, she was a great liar, capable of changing her story to fit her audience. I was too busy, terrified and lusty to leave her, until she started to get physical. She slapped me in front of a group of friends for no reason, and in one case scratched me hard enough to leave a scar on my chest which remains to this day. A few friends stayed by my side throughout the ordeal, and I love them for it, but many more joined her side, and still think I am a domestic abuser. They also think I cheated on her. I didn't. I cannot begin to convey the way that she treated me. After the chest scratch, The revenge story is a great tale, but I think I'll divulge that later. Needless to say, things ended very sourly indeed: I came home from work one night to find her sleeping with a close mate. Even after all this time, I can't imagine a worse person, she did more to undermine my faith in our shared humanity than anyone has ever done to improve it. I am happy to admit fault in every relationship I've been in except for her. As a point of reference, she slept with six guys in the week I moved out of our place. To this day, I still think she's a manipulative, jealous bitch incapable of happiness.
Reading that, she should be an ex-wife (Zinger!)
Where is she now? She's a dentist in Brisbane. To my amazement, she's married.
Attractiveness: Physically, a very attractive girl. However, she knew it, and knew her power as a woman. there was a great chemistry between us. Even when we argued, fought and hated each other for nearly a year, we still couldn't keep our hands off each other. Curse my libido.
Are we still in touch? Absolutely not. It will remain that way. I understand the importance of catharsis, but I would take it as a great failure on my part to go grovelling back to her, even after all this time.

4. Y.M. (5 months)
What happened? Her and her ex-boyfriend had been on a 'people I was not allowed to talk to list,'  despite the fact that he was on my basketball team. They broke up but we all still kept in touch, and she and  I hung out more and more until things escalated between us. Her ex didn't mind, as he now had a new girlfriend, who is now his wife. After the train-wreck of S.R. (who even now, still tried to interfere with this relationship, and used the fact that Y.M. and I had got together as more evidence of my being a bastard). Despite that, we stayed together and had a great time until we both moved away with work opportunities: she to Japan, me to the United Kingdom. Although this relationship was soured by S.R. ruining life-long friends for me, I really liked being with Y.M.,we had a great relationship and great rapport. It's a source of shame that we didn't stick together longer, I had considered moving to Japan for her, but foolishly decided against it.
Where is she now? Still in Japan, she's married and with a kid.
Attractiveness: Beautiful physically and in terms of personality. Although I was at my physical peak (i.e. I looked like a muscular porcelain ladyboy) I felt nowhere near her level. As well as being very tall and very pretty, she really brought out the best in everyone, especially me. As I said before, I regret not being with her longer.
Are we still in touch? Yes, though only as friends.

5. D.C. (nearly 5 Years)
What happened? We met through friends. I worked with someone who invited her in, and she came to chat to us. I was instantly captivated. (as an aside, I also knew her cousin- it really is a small world). Over time, we got together, eventually hanging out all the time. Slowly, we fell in love. We went on holidays together, travelled, went to things together, and every thing seemed peachy. I didn't like to be away from her, and only really felt right when she was around. It wasn't a particularly fiery relationship, it wasn't built on mistrust and jealousy, rather it was built on mutual respect and physical attraction. She was happy and likeable, and we had talked of marriage. It seemed the reasonable thing, most of our friends were married. I had thought that, after S.R., I wouldn't ever trust anyone again, but D.C. changed that. However, the breakup didn't catch me off guard completely, we had been long-distance for a while, and she had seemed less bubbly for a long time. Also, she had gotten more and more into work, into reality shows (she loved the Kardashians), and hung out more with her wussy ex-boyfriend, a scrawny little multi-millionaire who I hated. I also have to take some of the blame, after finishing my degree and taking up my new job I was pretty much a slob. However, the break-up wasn't very smooth, and D.C. showed a new side of her that I don't know if she hid for nearly 5 years. Just for the record, I made a genuine effort for her, and I resent being dumped the way that I was. Back to the drawing board.
Where is she now? In London, with her new life, and her new, scrawny boyfriend.
Attractiveness: She was ok, pretty without being very pretty, but in good shape. However, I had offset that with her personality. For four years she was: my best friend, my lover, and the nicest person I had ever met. I couldn't keep my hands off her, and couldn't wait to hear from her. That is, until she dumped me callously over the phone, so forget everything about nicest person I ever met I just said. For now, Screw 'er.
Are we still in touch? Not now, but probably will in the future, once I get the resentment out of my system.

In conclusion:
This brings us more or less up to date, though I must admit that this seems like depressing reading, I'm happy to have made such a difference to these peoples lives, for better or worse. I also had my heart broken by someone just before H.F., and during H.F. embarked on a six month relationship with G.R. (I make no apologies, I was young and virile), a lovely girl whom the choice between her and H.F. came down to H.F., but they don't really need a mention here. I also want to admit that I have numerous flings of less than this amount of time, I am proud to admit that I have made mistakes, and also enjoyed making them.

My biggest regrets are, other than spending more of my time sleeping around like my brother has managed to do (he's a year younger than I am, and has never had a girlfriend) would be not breaking up with S.R. after a year, and not using that time to get with another girl I knew (R.B. - who is still my number 1 dream girl - as it was we had a couple of dates, but S.R. intervened in them - she was her friend.) Actually, reading that back, my biggest regret should be S.R. in general, but, at the time it seemed right. If she had remained the open, friendly girl I was with for the first year of our relationship, I would be happily married to her now, living in Brisbane, and feeling my intelligence sap away like water poured into sand. My cousin has said that the next girl I'm with for longer than 6 months will be the girl I marry, and I'm not getting any younger, but I think right now it's not really a possibility to even consider.

Anyway, hope you've enjoyed this insight to my personal life, happy Tuesday.
P.S. I wrote this instead of doing work, pretty cool huh?

New Tim Burton ideas.

I love Tim Burton. I think that anyone with that world view is a real rebel, he knows how to push the envelope. here he is walking his mad aunt around with some friends.

[source] says that they all spent new year at Chequers. He's a real rebel.

Oh wait, that's not a mad auntie, that's Burton's wife, the heiress Helena Bonham Carter! Those aren't friends, that's David Cameron, a man who overcame an Eton education to become Prime Minister, and that's Cameron's idiot, multi-millionaire wife. She's got a tattoo don't you know! Tim Burton hasn't made a good movie since Edward Scissorhands (though Ed Wood was fine), and now he's doing remakes because he's run out of ideas. He's already ruined Planet of The Apes, and made a stupid, unnecessary version of charlie and the chocolate factory, but what's next?

1. Dog Day Afternoon
This movie was a counter cultural classic where Al Pacino and his mate rob a bank to fund Al's boyfriends sex change. Their robbery turns into a siege, the man is challenged, and it all ends in a thrilling and unpredictable climax. However, that is now getting a little stale, so it will be  remade for the modern era. Let's all go and see Tim Burton's Dog Day Afternoon, starring Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter. Together, they rob a bank to pay for weird debt they got from a gypsy woman. They succeed.

2. Snow White And The 7 Dwarves
A beautiful girl (though one played by Helena Bonham-Carter) tries to escape being murdered by a wicked witch. After a spell in hiding in the forest, she chances upon an empty house. It turns out that a a baker's half dozen of mining midgets live there (all are played by Johnny Depp. One is Scottish, one is angry, and one just can't stop sneezing. Will Snow White return to her town to be murdered? Will she find a way to get back at the wicked witch? Will Sneezy stop SNEEZING? view it in 3D to find out.

3. Dumbo
Finally,  a live action version of a classic. Follow a young, carefree Elephant (Jonny Depp in a latex suit) - after he is seperated from his mother, after she protects him from those yokels who attack him. How will this naive young elephant, with a heart as big as his ears, return to the loving trunk of his mother (played by, you guessed it, Helena Bonham-Carter). Joining a crowd of clowns, our elephant friend takes some advice from some still-racist crows (all played by the same midget who played the oompa-loompahs in charlie and the Chocolate Factory). From there, he learns to fly above their insults and live in his own weird and wonderful world.

4. The Godfather 
I can't be bothered doing this one properly, but I can imagine Jonny Depp as Michael, and Helena Bonham-Carter as Kaye, going it on their own, and turning their backs on the family business to sell wishes or some such nonsense.

5. Citizen Kane
Filmed in 3D stop-motion. Follow James Kane (Depp) as he moves from his humble origins to become the Prime Minister of Looneyland. With a little advice from Rosebud, the talking sled (voiced by Helena Bonham-Carter), and featuring family friendly sing-alongs, it's a story you KANE't afford to miss. 

P.S. This came about after watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for the first time today. Pretty lame. Hope you're all having a fuckin' great weekend.