British Supermarkets

I was used to having only one or two supermarkets in Australia. Coles New World now provides 35% of the Market share, 40% Woolworths, and the next highest has 20% market share [source] This is crazy. It also means that for me British supermarkets are a world of excitement and variance. You can buy more or less the same stuff everywhere, but prices and clientele change. The following is a list of supermarkets I've been to, complete with a 'realistic' slogan it should have, and a brief description of what you should expect when you enter. 

Tesco 'because misery brings success'
Where you go to see miserable staff members, odd sales (buy 1 get 3 free) and row after row of processed, shitty meat. Now more stores than people in the U.K.

Asda 'because there's no where else left to shop'
 If you live in a town with an Asda, it's sucking the life out of all the other shops around it. 

Aldi 'an unpleasant piece of Germany'
It's where you go if you feel like buying poor quality Schnitzel in unpleasant surroundings

Morrisons 'come on, it's the best you can afford'
Fresh fruit and vegetable is just a dream here.

Waitrose 'because Harrods is so far away' 
It's where you go to get your swan-meat, wear your Jack Willis clothes, and show off the voice that an expensive education has given you. 

Marks & Spencers 'we depend on your pension' 
If you ever need to locate old people, this is where to come. 

LIDL 'who needs pleasant shopping experiences when you have efficiency?' 
where you go because you're on the outskirts of a town and you need cheap German lager, efficiently stacked. 

Coop 'don't be a fagus, come get your haggis' 
where you go if you're in Scotland and need to stock up on biscuits, beer and magazines while ignoring anything healthy.

Sainsbury's 'because your awful child named Jake asked for cous cous for dinner'
If you can't afford to shop at Waitrose, but you speak like you should anyway, come to Sainsbury's

Somerfield 'where even the misery is for sale'
You go here if you want all hopes and dreams to die.

Iceland 'awful shite, attractively priced'
where you go if you had three kids by the time you left school at 16.

Rainbow 'no longer openly selling meths'
The best place to go to see how neck tattoo fashion is developing.

Londis 'small shops, big prices'
the place to go to see middle aged men buying porno magazines and toilet roll at 5pm.

Spar 'Salads? Pears? Apples? Rong!'
where you to buy food because they don't have anywhere cheaper nearby or if you don't like your vegetables mould-free.