Vikings: some thoughts, then an idea...

Hello, from foggy, frozen Scotland. I went out last night, and we were talking to a Swedish couple (who looked like brother and sister, but were actually husband and wife). Someone, out of the blue, said they had read that Vikings raped cows when they were pillaging. The Swedish couple said they had heard that too. They were, like all Swedish people I have met, good looking, peaceful, happy, and a little boring. This kind of goes against the notion of 'the Vikings:' blood thirsty murderers and yet skilled poets. Maybe it's one of those 'get it out of your system early and you won't be so angry later' - or a little like chickenpox, it's better to get it out of the way. I also cast my mind back to the Lerwick Festival, where a bunch of Scots set fire to a Viking longboat every year. For whatever reason, although Vikings got everywhere, as far a Russia and the USA, I only associate 'pure' Vikings with Swedes. Anyway, with help from my sister (who studies Vikings or something at university), here are the best movies about Vikings. (P.S. She says they are all historically inaccurate, but that shouldn't stop you from enjoying them right?)

 1. The Vikings [1958] 

A terrible poster, that's all I can say. [source]

Yes, the Vikings. It's got Tony Curtis and Kirk Douglas in it as half-brothers. I asked my mother who she preferred, she said Tony Curtis. There's also a really cool funeral scene at the end, they set him off on a longship and then set it on fire with arrows. That's the main thing I remember from it, but it's a pretty good action movie, and reasonably interesting. My sister says it is overlong, and Tony Curtis has an amputated hand, but it's not hidden very well.

2. Valhalla Rising [2009] 

In a weird way, this could be from the upcoming Hobbit movie... [source]

A really weird one, it's by the same guy who did that movie 'Drive', and it's about this one, mute Viking who is a fighting machine. He escapes, is captured, and ends up in America, possibly. It's at the same time poetic and violent. The extended scene in the small boat, which ends up possibly in America, possibly in the underworld, is particularly beautiful in a harsh and potentially violent way. The movie on the whole also makes you feel freezing just watching it (the main guy walks around barefoot, and it was filmed in Scotland, which is just asking for trouble- if the frost doesn't get you, the discarded syringes will).

3. Ironclad [2011]

This was the only picture I could find that didn't have James Purefoy waving his weapon around. I know to get an audience in you need to hint at a little bit of sausage, but this is just crazy. [source]

 There are some vikings in it, I suppose, so it counts. It's a siege movie, set just after the signing of the Magna Carta, and which I was pleasantly surprised by. However, that may have been because I was expecting an absolute disaster. James Purefoy plays a Knight Templar leading a small group against a bunch of Vikings and a wicked king. It's got a few big names in it too, Derek Jacobi, Paul Giamotti, Brian Cox and McKenzie Crook are all there, hamming it up like nobodies business. It's pretty brutal, but fun, and apparently pretty historically inaccurate. Still, who cares? My sister. For me, it is a guilty pleasure. (Update, watched this again at the request of a friend. It doesn't stand up to a second viewing, particularly the girl in it, who turns up every SINGLE time James Purefoy is on screen alone.) Still, better than...

4. Beowulf [2007]

Good news, cracking a fat over a computer generated man doesn't count as gay, for some reason. [source]

This was bad, even worse than the musical version of Beowulf I saw at the Edinburgh festival. An awful movie, awfully made- I refuse to accept that it is a satire of a bad movie, as some have said. Christ knows why I went to see it, probably so I could feel up some poor girl in the dark... mission accomplished by the way. However, if you want to see a good CG movie with Vikings in it, see How to Train Your Dragon instead.

My idea: Sven Samurai - a remake of Seven Samurai but starring one deluded guy called Sven, who for some reason, thinks himself a samurai. A good pun should be enough to make a good movie, right?

Anyway, have a great weekend suckaz.
p.s. this has been very homo-erotic, even more so than usual.